Hills from which we look and caves in which we hide

A shrub in Times Square, NYC

Him: I remember your ex. She was a ______.
Me: I don’t think so. No 30 year old woman in a happy relationship looks to cheat. I wasn’t very nice to her.
Him: I knew you back then, you weren’t that bad.
Me: We all have our three lives: public, private, and secret.

Spent the holiday weekend working for the most part. One major downside for essentially working for yourself is that the work never really stops.

Every free moment you have, you’re thinking, I should be doing something.

We did find time to catch up with season 6 of Dexter, which reminded me of my three lives. Recently met a woman who said that she had no regrets in life cause, “To regret would mean I’m not proud of something in my life.”

Thought that was one of those things that have the air of truth but no real truth to it.

I’m not saying you should live your life fulla regrets crying over your possible pasts. Then again, a life of no regrets means that you’ve not done any growth at all.

Show me a guy that’d make the exact same choices at 39 he’d make at 19, and I’ll show you a guy that’s wasted 20 years of his life.

Onea the friends I cut, thinks that I cut him cause of some fights we had. That’s partly true. The main reason he got cut, however, is cause he finds it noble that he hasn’t “sold out” – whatever that means.

Suppose that means that he wants to remain the same while the world around him changes.

F Scott Fitzgerald once said that: At 18 our convictions are hills from which we look; at 45 they are caves in which we hide.

In reality, he’s less an artist and more just some dude living in a cave.

As for me, thought about writing my ex an email saying I’m sorry. I didn’t do any one majorly bad thing to her – it was more a series of thoughtless actions and stupid arguments over nuthin.

In the end, decided against writing. Instead, I’ll add that to my list of ten thousand regrets. Some things are better left hidden deep in caves.

Got other secrets too. But these aren’t bad ones.

I’ll tell you about them someday.

Location: on my stoop, telling workmen to keep it down
Mood: regretful
Music: Days seem to last forever but the weeks fly by
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11 thoughts on “Hills from which we look and caves in which we hide”

  1. RE reaching out and apologising: sometimes i feel like this kind of action is more about you and your absolution, than it is about genuinely trying to ease another's pain. at least, that's what has stopped me from writing similar letters in the past. i always realized the impulse was stirred by my feelings, not the other person's.

    1. I agree with you, which is the main reason why I didn't do it although every once in a while, I'll get that thought, "I really should…"

  2. I often say I have no regrets – with the knowledge I made the decision at that time for what I thought to be a right reason. I will add that I KNOW I've made bad decisions often in hindsight, but I don't know if I've ever wanted to change my past. All I can do is learn, and keep moving.

    1. Well, since we can't change the past, the only thing that differentiates us from others is whether or not we learn from our mistakes. I'm surprised both at how often people don't and how often II do the same thing over again. It takes a while to truly learn something, I think.

  3. I almost agree with that woman in question except I always thought that all this talk about not having any regrets was more about being proud of who you are at the present because of everything you've gone through -achievements, mistakes, all that stuff. Maybe that's what she meant? I dunno. I always thought of every siginficant moment of my life, good or bad, as a learning experience and an addition to my growth, thus making me into the person I am today and hence why I never regret anything. Almost similiar to your point of view.

    I'm the same way as well. I feel utterly useless on those rare occasions when I have free time.

    1. Hmmm, I think that's what she was saying but there's this Family Guy episode where Stewie opens a door that says, "Not an exit" and out comes a gorilla that mauls him. As he's being beaten up, he screams, "Why didn't they write 'There's a gorilla in here' instead of 'Not an exit!'"

      Similarly, I think being proud of oneself in the present while having a healthy sense of remorse for bad bad behaviour and decisions are two separate things. Then again, that's just me and I'm a guy that quotes "The Family Guy."

      1. Ah, point taken. It's one of the dangers of relying too much on cliches. Life's a little more complex to be summed up in one line.

        I like Family Guy, hence that example is valid.

  4. being treated poorly is not a good reason to cheat. she owes you an apology more than you owe her one.

    understanding why someone might have something doesn't necessarily make it okay that they did it

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