Some more of the story
We gave a million reasons why. But the whole story starts like this: A decade ago, a family friend stole my life savings.
When I met Alison, was still struggling to get my life back together again. But she loved me anyway.
She could have had anyone and she chose me.
That’s part of why I was so busy. Was trying to make back 30 years of savings first. But she was busy too.
After we got married, we immediately tried to start a family. And failed. Repeatedly.
Ultimately, we went to several specialists and spent a huge chunk of our savings, including what I had saved up since the theft, trying to have a kid.
She was essentially pregnant for four years straight. And she lost six pregnancies. Six.
People are often crushed with one. You cannot imagine the heartache that comes with six. In a row.
Four were miscarriages. Two were ectopics. If a miscarriage is traumatic, an ectopic is devastating. With an ectopic, you’re in the horrifying position of praying for a miscarriage.
This is after sticking herself with needles every single goddamn night for years.
But it got worse. As I said in an entry I wrote about our very last loss, there’s always room for more down. That loss almost destroyed us because we heard a strong heartbeat only to lose it a few days later.
And the close friend in this entry was Alison. She had to have surgery due to another failed pregnancy.
Whenever we did go out, people would inevitably ask, “Are you planning on having kids?” And what do you say to that? When she actually was pregnant and she didn’t drink, people would always ask annoying questions.
We were tired of it all. So we either turned down all invitations or she just stayed home and I went out. This was for four years.
It’s funny but I have three good friends named Cary, Carey, and Kari; one has never met her and the others only met her once or twice in a all these years.
We never told anyone. Because we just kept hoping that someday, we’d have a family.
When she finally gave birth to Nate, we thought it was over. All the heartbreak, fear, dashed hopes, and loneliness. What we got instead was much, much worse. So much worse than our worst nightmares.
She deserved so much better than this. Her birthday is in a few days.
You wanna know the craziest thing? That’s not even everything. There’s more. But I don’t even think our story up to now is believable.
Her: We were finally supposed to get a good Christmas.
Me: (quietly) I know. I’m so sorry.
Location: at the foot of her bed
Music: Go to the ends of the Earth for you