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What’s there to celebrate?

I’m single again. Which is a weird thing to write. And I’m turning 45 soon. Which is equally weird.

I’m dull and vicious again


This blog has always been about people entering and leaving my Venn Diagram. Although some the leavings have changed dramatically  – and horrifically – in the past few years.

Gymgirl’s dropped out of this story; there’s more but that’s her story to tell.

Friend: You seem more upset about it than others in the past.
Me: Well, it’s my birthday next week, and it was more abrupt and random than usual.
Her: You should be one to talk about leaving people abruptly and randomly.

A lot’s going on in my life that I’m trying to get a handle on, least of which is that I’m turning 45 soon. It sounds so weird as I write it. Never thought I’d be single at 45, mainly because I was married and thought that was it for me.

I wanted it to be it for me.

But I’m going into 45 alone. Had a couplea people ask to do something and I’m honestly not sure. What’s there to celebrate?

Did see some friends over the weekend to watch the fights. And ate a lot more than I shoulda.

Him: How much chicken did you just eat?
Me: Clearly, not enough.

Probably drank a lot more than I should have as well.

Him: You should stop drinking.
Me: You’ve never said that to me in all our nights out before. So, I’ll stop.
Him: Good.

And I’m still me, as broken as ever.

Me: So what line of work are you in?
Her: I teach paddleboarding on the Hudson.
Me: (sighing) I have to sterilize everything you’ve touched now.
Her: (laughing) What? Why?
Me: Cooties, obviously.

Actually, it’s not true that I’m going into 45 alone. I have the kid. The kid’s enough. Dunno how anyone could ever leave that face.

Picked him up early from my mom on Sunday, despite little-to-no sleep, because I wanted to see that face so.

Me: Where we going?
Him: Home. Home. (smiles) [Gymgirl’s name]?
Me: (shaking head) No. It’s just you and me, kid. I’m sorry. We both really liked her, I know. Is it…is it ok if it’s just me again?
Him: Yesh. Yesh. (nods deeply then points at mouth) Eat. Eat.
Me: (laughing) That’s my boy. You and me against the world, right?
Him: Yesh. (touches my mouth) Eat.
Me: (nods)

Location: in front of a glass of rum and amaretto
Mood: dull and vicious
Music: the lovers and the lonely, start to whisper all about me

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5 replies on “What’s there to celebrate?”

You say you’re dull and vicious. You say you’ve lost your faith. I don’t believe a word of it. You yourself said, “the people that live good lives – the best lives – get ____ed. Jesus gets nailed to some planks to die in agony, John the Baptist gets decapitated as a party favour, Job loses everything just so God can tell a good story. It goes on.”

Do I understand any of it? No.

“Love, it has no need of words;
it itself, a word, is.
And as the passing grasses, speaks
more delicate that floating seeds
and where it rests, returns again”

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