Father-to-Father

He’d be 82

It woulda been my dad’s 82nd birthday this week.

The saddest, most unnerving thing about losing a parent is that you always think that you can pick up the phone and call them. But you can’t.

A cousin I was super close with lost his dad this week too. Another uncle from my dad’s generation, gone.

It’s tough. That cousin and I used to talk all the time but we lost touch after Alison got sick. What can you say? What can you do?

Him: They told me that if I went to see him, I’d have to go to quarantine for 14 days. He wouldn’t last 14 days.
Me: So, what did you do?
Him: I asked them what would happen if I broke quarantine and they said I’d be fined $20,000USD and tossed in jail. I told them I was ok with that.

Being a father now, I understand my father in ways I never did when he was alive.

We fought so much when he was alive, but I never once doubted that he loved me and I don’t think he ever doubted that I loved him.

I’m sure the boy and I will fight, it’s what fathers and sons do. But I hope he knows I love him.

Ah, man…

I wish I could have spoken to my dad as a father speaking to another father. That woulda been so cool.

That woulda been so fucking cool.

Me: I’d pay that. To see my dad again? I pay that in a heartbeat.
Him: Yeah…

Podcast Version
Location: my apartment, hunting heel hooks with her and two others
Mood: awful
Music: the baggage in my heart is still so dark (Spotify)
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2 Replies to “Father-to-Father”

  1. I lost my dad last year to cancer. 4 months after Tums was born. We were suppose to go out there when she was 6 months so he could meet her. I know there was nothing I could do but it’s always going to be one of my biggest regrets.

    It’s been over a year and sometimes I’ll think: I haven’t sent dad a pic of Tums lately. Or I wonder why dad hasn’t called. Then it’s like the day he died all over again.

    The worst part was my mom didn’t even invite me to the funeral. Asian parents, I freakin swear.

    Sending you a ton of love and light. Losing a parent is probably the darkest shit I’ve ever had to endure.

    1. That’s just awful – I didn’t know things were so bad with you and your mom.

      I went to my dad’s but I honestly wish I didn’t. I didn’t want to remember him or see him that way. I didn’t go to Alison’s. I couldn’t. I loved her too much. I still do.

      I wrote once that when you lose the people you love, they leave holes in your life and soul in the shape of them. It was true then and it’s still true now.

      I don’t think that will ever change.

      I’m sorry. It does get better, but that grief button is never far away.

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