Yeah, that’s all

When you’re newly single, your grocery shopping changes

The sun setting this past weekend at a much nicer latitude than where I am right now.

Rain Noe and I are working on a script for a series that we’ve got in mind for the Internet and we had a table reading on Friday. I wasn’t used to the script so we went through it again tonight and I’m more comfortable with it. It feels good to work on things that aren’t money or relationship related – something I’ve not had a chance to do in a while.

A friend of mine was in town on Saturday so we went out to a club – there was some interesting entertainment there so I recorded it and put it up in the “Video” section.

Sunday I was out in Queens and then back in the city for church. Church was fine but on the way out I thought about No. 6. It was weird because I’d been so busy these days that I hadn’t thought about anything but my projects. I thought of her because I would always call her on the way home to ask if she wanted anything from the supermarket.

I ducked in anyway to pick up some things for myself and ran into the manager whom I’m friendly with. He said hello and, noticing the small amount of food I was buying, asked, “That’s all?”

“Yeah,” I said, “that’s all.”

Location: @11PM – 1 train Canal Street Station
Mood: Okay
Music: Wo yuan yi wei ni
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Train on Time

Both and I and the subways have changed – hopefully for the better

The N train at 3AM with most passengers sleeping – not that I’m jealous.

I remember that I used to take the train to and from high school – it took me an hour-and-a-half each way. Back then, the trains were covered in graffiti and filled with older people working their way through life.

Now the graffiti is gone and I’m one of the older people working his way through life. At least I dress better now.

I think.

Location: Back in NYC
Mood: drained
Music: it might sound strange but I wish it would rain
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What are the chances?

Sometimes you keep running into the same people

Last night I finally managed to get seven hours of sleep again. I felt like a different person again after I woke up.

I had lunch at a really classy and cool, old school bar. A bunch of old men were chatting it up with me and I was there for almost two hours. It was weird because the last hour was my giving them a history lesson on the rise of America as a superpower after WWII and how we made English replace French as the international language of business – I have no idea how the topic even started. They ended up buying my lunch (which made me regret that I didn’t order more than just a diet coke and salad). 🙂

I forgot to mention that I saw that girl that I met at Ricky’s rooftop party last week in the oddest of places. I was exiting my airplane and she was waiting in line to get in. The weirdest thing. I never met her before two weeks ago, she’s lived right around me for three years and I see her in an airport on a Thursday getting into the plane I just got off of. What are the chances? I didn’t realize it was her until a few minutes after I walked by her and it dawned on me who she was – I had that “I think I know that girl” feeling when I saw first saw her after I left the plane but I was too tired to process quickly enough. I figured it would be too strange if I went back and said “hello” so I just let it be.

Heading back home later this week and I’m sure I’ll be bending time again this weekend.

I’ve become a charmer of old men.

Eh, at least the food’s paid for.

Location: Another (but better) hotel upstate
Mood: Thoughtful
Music: That’s why I believe it is too late for anyone to believe
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Moving Day

Decided to make a new personal blog here

It’s been another blur of a weekend. I actually managed to sleep some last night although I don’t think enough. My hands have been shaking like a crack addict on withdrawal.

Ricky had his birthday party last night and I saw him and the rest of the guys. I would have stayed longer (there was a very cool girl I was talking to when I was leaving) but I had agreed to meet Rain downtown so I left at midnight or so.

I’m glad I went, though, because I met another nice girl who’s studying to be an actress and it turns out that we both go to the same church (although at different locations). I offered to give her a lift back home if she wanted to swing by my upper west side church but she had to call me, which she did this morning. She couldn’t make it this Sunday but we agreed to do it next Sunday. She has a nice web page of her own for her career so it was part of what prompted me to get cracking on finishing up my page.

I would type more but my hands keep shaking. I’m going to try and get some sleep. I’m flying back upstate this week for more boring work.

———-

I’ll now be at these two places:
http://logan607.livejournal.com
http://www.loganlo.com

location at 14:45: on 28th Street, playing “whoosh”
mood: awake
music: there must be an angel
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North Country

(Way) Upstate New York

I had another sleepless night. That makes two in a row. I hope this isn’t the start of another string of string of sleepless nights. I’m cloudy headed again.

I’m on my way back home. I can’t wait to relax in my own pad.

Today was the second time I took a ferry in my life – the first being earlier this week. The water was really choppy and I had my window open and this huge wave hit the boat absolutely soaking the driver’s side of the car. I spent the next hour I was driving with the windows open to dry out the inside. It was very Three Stooges.

I got to the airport some three hours early and had to go through the screening three times. The first time I had a tube of toothpaste so they made me go back downstairs and check my bag in. The second time, it was because I lost my ticket. The third time was after I got a copy printed.

I think both the leaving the window open and the ridiculousness at the airport is related, somewhat, to my lack of sleep. I’ve really got to find a way to sleep when I’m traveling because I’m traveling again next week.

Well, we’ll have to see how tonight goes.

Location: 30,000 feet above Vermont
Mood: Relaxed
Music: Friday night I’m going nowhere, all the lights are changing
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Outside Canada

Seedy motels and insomnia

Been upstate since Monday; the work is mind-numbing but it’s a good distraction.

Right now, I’m on a bed that looks like it’s been using the same cover since the 70s. As I told several people, any hotel with “quality” in it’s name is bound not to have any. The oddest thing is that there’s a very old, small sticker in the bathroom that says “Please do not use the linen for anything besides bathing.”

What those other options are, are a mystery to me – and frankly a bit disconcerting.

The weirdest thing about being this far north is that there’s just no mobile reception – at least for Sprint. It’s maddening. I had to go out and buy a headset to make calls on my computer.

Another strange thing that happened to me this morning was that I had a dream about No. 2 except she was actually No. 6; she just looked like No. 2. I thought it was real when I woke up.

Speaking of which, I’ve been having lots of trouble sleeping again. I always have trouble sleeping when I travel and now is no different. At least I’m being super productive although not with work.

So actually, you could say that I’m just honing my procrastination skills.

Location: 9:05PM: Some seedy motel near the Canadian border
Mood: sleepy
Music: minor catastrophes bring me to my knees
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Eye Rolls

Sometimes your friends hinder rather than help in meeting new people

I can’t believe it’s Sunday already. It’s been a pretty busy week.

Wednesday night I saw the film My Life…Disoriented but it’s actually only a 26 minute television show that will be showing on PBS on December 26, 2006. It was actually pretty good. I remember that when I went there, I was worried because I was only one of about seven people in the audience but then it started filling up with people (although it was still only half full). It was an interesting story about two girls that move from San Fran to a small town where there are few Asians. Afterwards, there was a Q&A; discussion that I felt was really helpful for the show that Rain and I are working on. Afterwards, we went to the afterparty where I met the main writer and a few of the stars, including the main girl who, despite playing a convincing high-schooler, assured me she was a lot older – it was funny because within ten minutes of talking to her, she told me that she had a steady boyfriend in Taiwan (who’s Jewish but studying there). I thought that was amusing.

Kirk came by afterwards and then so did Rain. They asked me, as a dare, to ask the bartender for her number, which I did and got. Nice enough girl but not my type. I got home just after one, walking home from 58th and 1st. Interestingly, it was the same place that Alan had his Xmas party and I went with No. 6. Oddly enough, I didn’t really think of her there.

On Thursday I went to the German meetup in Queens with Francis, who called me up late and asked if I wanted to grab a beer with him. I told him I was going to Queens anyway and would give him a lift back. We went to this cool beer garden in Astoria where we ate some burgers and a sausage and drank some beer. Francis wasn’t really into it so we left early and I went home.

Friday I spent the entire day working. Korean-girl called me on my mobile, I think a little tipsy, and asked me when I was visiting her in Europe. I would like to travel but the timing isn’t good.

I drove into the city where I met up with Rain and Kirk again for a bar party. It was fun and I met a lot of people including another girl named Olivia. Two in three days and zero for three decades. Weird.

Last night, I met up with Rain and Kirk again. I was in Rain’s neighborhood because Big Dave was in town and he, his wife and his mother were in Little Italy going to the Feast of San Gennaro. I went after going to the gym and met up with them; the crowds there were almost impossible. Afterwards, Rain and I went to Pho Bang near his house – ate way too much. Cindy called me and we all met up, along with Kirk, at a bar on 2nd Ave between 12th and 13th.

The crowd there was kinda lame – the quantity of people, the layout, the humidity and the volume of the music made it unpleasant to hang out. I did meet one nice girl but a friend of mine made it difficult to talk more with her via two moves my friend made (the weird thing is, I actually just wanted him to snap out of his depression and just get used to talking to people).

Move 1
He went up to his friend and essentially said, “My friend (me) wants to meet your friend (her).” So it was essentially a non-introduction because he made it such that there were only three options and results:

  1. Talk to her, reinforcing that I really wanted to meet her but was too shy to ask myself thus tanking any conversation
  2. Don’t talk to her, reinforcing that I was too shy to ask myself but really wanted to meet her thus tanking any conversation
  3. Talk to her and we have a good conversation because she thought I was interesting or cute.

It may have ended up being “3” (purely by luck and because she’s just a nice girl) because I just rolled my eyes, sighed and talked to her.

Move 2
She invited us to go to a bar afterwards but he killed that too because he said he wanted to go – and guys have to stick together. So eye roll number two, and we’re off.

Oh well, moving on¦

Ricky had called me previously so I met up with him, Kathy, Edgar, Esther and a bunch of other people at Ave A and 6th at another karaoke bar. It’s always good to see them. Such a good group of guys. Kathy had encouraged me to ask for the number of the girl that lives around me but I told her last week that I was too depressed to contact her but now I wish I took her advice. As Gio says, “What’s wrong with meeting someone for a cup of coffee?”

So true.

Bettina had called me (or vice versa – we’ve been playing phone tag) at 4 in the morning. I was exhausted but I’m always happy to hear from her. She’s got drama of her own with her own random guy issues. I wanted to talk to her more about it but I was beat so I told her I would call her today.

Today I woke up, thought about No. 6, chatted with Hazel and then took the train to my improv class. Great time as usual.

I just took another PHQ-9 test – scored a 5. Hmm, things are looking up.

Location: Apartment, as usual
Mood: exhausted
Music: we’ve got stars directing our fate
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Wash, lather, repeat

Getting back into the dating world

So, what’s your name pretty lady? (smile, nod, ask if she gets hit on a lot, compliment her (eyes, skin, hair, etc.) ask for number, promise you’ll call, smile again, wash, lather, repeat).

“Olivia, that’s a great name. You’re the first Olivia I’ve ever met. It’s true. Really. Is that really your number? You’re pretty but you lie. I’m going to call it now. (grin – if she smiles at you, smile back. Hate self.).”

At least I’m impressing my friends, like a trick monkey.

Ah, I’ll meet you someday, just you wait. Fate will find you. I’m just working through a few things.

Just you wait.

Location: Bed
Mood: cynical
Music: She does not walk she runs instead
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Sunny Days

Even when you’re depressed, you have some sunny days

It’s a beautiful day today – the weather’s just right. A few more days like this would be ideal but I think it’s supposed to rain in the coming weekend.

I was a bit concerned that perhaps I’d go back to my depressive state but for the past four days, I’ve been good. Last night I slept for about six or seven hours and I think that’s the best indicator that I’m over the worst of it.

Yesterday I spent most of the day at home working on some personal projects. A friend called me and told me I had to meet his friend that was moving into the City. I told him I ate and was going to gym afterwards but he said it’d be worth it for me to meet her so I agreed to skip out on my gym class.

She was very nice but she’s seeing someone out in California – my friend said something to the effect of, “Come on, he’s a college boyfriend. He’s done for.” I thought that was pretty funny. I didn’t ask her for her number because I figured I’d just run into her again in the near future and I didn’t want to interfere with her current situation. A few other friends joined us and we hung out for a bit before we split up. I found out later on that two friends, who were heading south, saw a fight happen right in front of them. You almost never see street beef any more.

I had called Ricky and Roger when I passed their respective places to see if they wanted to come out but they were both occupied. I worked my way across the island to the west side to grab the red line home.

Today I’m in Queens working on some things but I’m going to leave soon because I’m catching an indie flick in the city called MY LIFE…DISORIENTED.

I’m still pretty disoriented so it should work out swimmingly.

Location: Queens office w/ a huge cup of coffee
Mood: busy
Music: if this is love it’s a good thing you don’t hate me
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Not Me

Yes, but it is not I

St. Augustine was a guy who lived a pretty sordid life until he found God. He was walking down the street one day and he ran into a prostitute he used to frequent and she called out to him, “Augustine, it is I.” To which, he replied without stopping, “Yes, but it is not I.”

So I have now been single for 31 days. I woke up yesterday after seven hours of sleep and went into the bathroom and looked at myself and I saw a face I hadn’t seen in years look back me. Last night, I slept for another seven hours.

Today I went to see my doc and I took something called the PHQ-9 test, which is basically a test of depression. 30 days ago, my score was 24 out of a possible 27 meaning I was pretty baked. 15 days ago, I scored 19.

Today I scored 6.

I once wrote that I had been here before and I had. Back then, took about a month to get past the worst of it and another four months to get back the remaining bits and pieces. In between that time, I knitted myself back together again (literally and figuratively). I know from past experience that I’m most likely going to fluctuate between a 3 and a 9 over the next several months, because that’s what happened last time. But that overall feeling of sadness is gone. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that I’m not sure who I am any more. I’m not really sure I ever knew. The last time around, after I picked myself up, I was just a patchwork of pieces. Even No. 6 said I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet and maybe if I listened to her, we’d be happy right now. She once wrote that “It’s like dating two people and I never know which one will come home.” One of these two, she called a “monster” because he was always irritable, tired and moody.

It’s not so much like a split personality where you don’t know what the other you is doing, rather, it’s like when you’re intoxicated: You know what you’re doing but sometimes you don’t know why you’re doing it.

It’s easier for me to know who I am when I’m with someone because I can always blend into the other person – like Samanderic from Lord of the Flies. My college friends always joked that I have a million jobs and a million interests. But it’s not so much that – rather it’s my need to be able slip in and out of work and lives. And when I can’t slip in and out easily, like this past month, I stutter and stall.

I waited a day to write this just in case it was just gas, but no, I’m good again. I’m not great, I’m not whole, I’m still a bit busted up and dented in places, but I’m back.

I just don’t know who’s back.

I guess I’ll figure that out as I adjust to single life. I’m going to work on clarifying what I do and who I am in the next several (weeks? months? years?)

I started some projects, one of which will be a proper blog that will replace this one (yes, Nadya, you have to come with me) but I’ll continue to update here until that new blog is in place.

I’m back, but it is not me.
Location: @12:34 – Scoring a 6 on 71st Street
Mood: relieved
Music: I’m free
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