Keep thinking of going far away; all I really end up going is mad
Think I’m going a little mad.
My hands won’t stop shaking and I’ve become obsessed with idea of just hopping on a plane and going somewhere far away. I don’t know where or what I’d do about the mortgage, the businesses, the job, everything.
I was once very happy on this little beach in just south of Denmark. I was also once happy in the Forbidden City. I was also once happy in my little apartment off 5th Avenue. I was also once happy here.
My #$@$#@$@# hands won’t stop shaking.
And I still can’t sleep.
Think I’m going a little mad.
Location: @12:10AM, almost hitting 90 on the West Side Highway.
Music: I’ve got to go, I’ve got to go, I’ve got to go…
After a breakup, nothing makes sense
Went to vote today.
The joint was totally empty and a bunch of tired old people stood, smiled and shuffled me around when I arrived. It’s always cool to vote. It’s easy for me because my polling station is just across the street from my pad. I went in my pajama top and a pair of jeans and sneakers.
Whom I voted for is less important than the fact I did.
In my personal life, the ex and I spoke again last night for quite a while. Not sure what I should do about that whole thing. Not even sure what it all means.
When it comes down to it, miss being in love.
Man, I’m such a sap. And here I am voting in the most powerful country in the world.
They should have a screening process to keep out the saps.
Location: @4:00 – pulling levers
Music: This is a message, pay attention
The Ex and I spoke today – it wasn’t bad. Which itself is bad.
It’s Sunday according to the clock but the day was Saturday.
It’s been a weird couple of days but the weirdest thing is my ex called me at 8:27 this morning – the fact that I had only fallen asleep a couple of hours earlier (another story entirely) didn’t help matters.
Weirder still, we had a pleasant conversation. But I got off the phone with her after a bit because I could sense that I was feeling old feelings again and I’m not looking forward to being disappointed once again.
Well, that’s not entirely true. Think the real thing is that I know that the woman I loved so, is gone; this person looks and sounds like her, but it is not her. And like I said earlier, while I look and sound like me, “it is not I.”
And I’m sure it would all end up the same way.
Didn’t believe it before when people told me I would learn to love being free but I’m learning. Wish I knew what it was like to be free.
Told Blond Doctor that you can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube.
You really can’t.
Location: @9:00, doing a split in Fort Lee, NJ
Music: love but we’re not the same
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In yet another seedy hotel upstate
In yet another nondescript motel. Spend an inordinate amount of time in seedy hotel rooms.
Also, find that when I travel, end up eating junk – a lotta junk. Had Denny’s for lunch and tacos for dinner. Have no idea what comes over me when I travel. When I’m in the City, eat only healthful foods but man, once I change latitudes, I become Homer Simpson.
My hands are shaking again.
Got some sleep last night but not enough. This cold isn’t helping but I think the NyQuil is. Thank goodness for OTC drugs.
Actually had a thought today that it was Parkinson’s (especially since it’s all over the news these days) but then, that’s just me being a hypochondriac. I’m fine when I sleep six or seven hours and a wreck when I sleep less.
Better get to sleep.
You know, that Denny must be a fat bastard.
Location: Upstate NY in a bed with flowers printed on the sheets
Music: just leave it all up 2 me, we could have a good time
Calling up an ex is never a good idea
Gave my ex a ring the other day, which was painful.
Then she picked up – that was excruciating.
But it did make me realize that I’m actually enjoying being single. It’s been just under three months now (I’ve stopped counting so I’m not sure).
At the very least, I wash a lot less clothes and dishes.
Since this is also the first time I’m not sharing a kitchen with someone in over a decade, I forgot the simple pleasure of the whole drinking out of the carton experience in front of the fridge.
I also have something I never had in 11 years of NYC living – closet space.
If only I could find that damn blue sweater I love.
I’ve got to travel upstate this week (again) but when I come back, I think I’m going to buy the Sunday NY Times, a huge cup of coffee and a chocolate doughnut and then lie down in the middle of the room and make a royal mess.
It’s always good to have goals.
Location: @6:30, showing off the ‘hood.
Music: Demain, le crime en vacances, va se croire tout permis
Evidently, you can write an entire story in six words
My brother sent me the following to keep me entertained – they’re six word stories:
My favorite is by Margaret Atwood: “Longed for him. Got him. Shit.”
Halloween’s coming up – it’ll actually be my first Halloween as a single guy since…well a long damn time.
Location: Propped up in bed/futon watching CSI
Music: won’t get fooled again
Met this young lady out-and-about and said exactly the wrong things
Saturday night, I went out to see a band play in Brooklyn, which ended up being hella fun. Course, had to up and ruin the night for myself.
Everything was going fine until we hopped a cab back into the City and ended up at a pizza joint downtown. I sitting to the side and when this very attractive blond comes in and sits down next to me. I’m not sure how we started talking but I find out that she’s from Florida, works with on a network program and is recently divorced. Somehow got her to also trade driver’s licenses with me and I realize that she’s six years younger than me. And divorced! Crazy.
We’re chatting a bit more and then she tells me that she’s going to eat more pizza. Scoff and tell her that women always think they can eat a lot but they never can, to which she tells me, “I can eat you under the table.” She goes and gets another slice and it’s just then my friends decide to leave. When she gets back, I’ve got my jacket on. Here’s the rest of the conversation:
Her: Oh, you’re leaving?
Me: Yeah, my friends are going.
Her: Do you go everywhere your friends go?
Me (wait for it): Well, we’re catching a cab uptown so, yes.
Did take down her number and I’m debating if it’s worth calling her at this point.
Oh who am I kidding – I’m calling…
20061024 UPDATE – Check that; I’ve lost her number.
I’m my own worst enemy.
Location: @8:15 – half breath, sight, pull
Music: the colors mix together to grey and it breaks her heart
Got some great and terrible news today; that’s just how life is I suppose
Today was a pretty exciting day – mainly because Rain and I had our first batch of auditions and two people that I brought absolutely nailed the parts.
Also got a piece of horrific news today too but I suppose I’ll start with the good and end with the bad.
With the auditions, Rain’s group was good and there was some talent there but the last two people that came in were spot on. The only problem was that they are both auditioning for the same role. We’re contemplating writing a part just for one of them so that we can use them both somehow. I spoke with Rain afterward and we’re both beyond jazzed with how everything is coming together. Freaking exciting…
Drove Tony and Francis out to Queens because I needed to pick something up from Queens. When I arrived, noticed a friend left me a voicemail. He told me that a good friend of ours just found out this morning that he has a brain tumor! Couldn’t believe it. He just got married a month ago and I just saw him yesterday. It was quite a shock and very sad. I’m worried about him and his new bride.
I’ll say a prayer for them tonight and hope for the best.
Location: @10:45 – on the LIE
Music: running to the edge of time, the moon will keep us company
Getting your ex off your cell / mobile phone plan is a lot like a divorce
Went out with some friends the other night and I met a girl who recognized me from years ago. She’s 24 years old and an art director now but it turns out that she went to the same church as No. 3. Moreover, some 10 years ago, she was in my apartment, when I was 23 and No 3. was 22, and had a “sleep-over/retreat” of some sort. Vaguely remember it. She was 14 at the time. Felt old.
So very old.
My friend signed his divorce papers yesterday; it’s sad because I was part of his wedding and I thought it would last. It actually the third wedding that I was part of that ended in divorce. I spoke to him today and he said he was fine (he sounded fine) but it was still sad to hear. His best friend dropped me a line about the situation too; it was good to hear from him. It’s good having friends that worry about you.
Speaking of which, my ex contacted me this week. It was the first contact we’ve had with each other for two months. Nothing angry or kind or anything. Just business. She wanted to tell me that my health insurance would run out at the end of this month (I’m currently on her plan) and she would like me to spin off her mobile phone (she’s currently on my plan).
Hadn’t thought about it or her for a bit. Well, that’s not entirely true. Try not to think about it or her.
Dunno…for me, it’s a little like signing divorce papers.
Location: @ 3:00 – having a burger on Grand Street
Music: Hol fuer dich den Stern vom Himmel
I was reading this article about the Amish girls that were killed the other day. The first to die was a 13-year old named Marian Fisher who asked “Shoot me first.” Her younger sister Barbie then said “Shoot me second.” Barbie survived. The thing is that that these kids never watched TV nor movies – they didn’t learn to be brave by why some actor taught them. They just were brave.
It’s hard being a Christian in the city – I admit, enjoy my sinful life a bit more than I should. But these are people who are at peace, even when they’re not.
It’s also hard having faith and being brave. I’m 20 years older than that girl was and half as brave (if that).
Maybe I just need a little more faith.
Location: @ 2:something – snapping this pic
Music: take these lies and make them true somehow