Finding out

Moving on from the breakup

That’s my houseplant, Harold. He keeps mostly to himself.

———-

Bought a new bed about four months ago.

Stopped making two cups of coffee every morning about three months ago.

Stopped thinking about her constantly about two months ago.

Last week we finally split up our phone plans (more on that later).

Just bought new linens and sheets.

I’m moving on.

But her shelves are still bare. Her side of the medicine cabinet is still empty. The spot where her desk used to be is still open.

The thing is, they’re not empty for her.

Tuesday night, I gave in and called one of those women I said I wouldn’t. Something about the weather I guess. Last night, we met up and were out for eight hours in the first real NYC snow of the year. Laughed harder than I have in months.

Maybe nothing.

Maybe something.

Who knows?

Let’s find out.

Location: @3:03 AM, hopping a cab on 9th St & 3rd Ave.
Mood: Working
Music: in the faces you see, you’ll see just who you’ve been

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Clear Blue Skies

I’d like to move away – but I’d miss my family

The funeral I went to has been on my mind. It’s made me pensive and sappy.

I have no death wish – far from it. I have a master plan to live until I’m 100. But the plans of mice and men…

What I think about is whether or not I’ll get to find out if my father is right or wrong.

My father, you see, believes me in. I don’t know why, especially in light of my dismal track record in, well…just about everything. Yet, he thinks that I am capable of things I don’t think I am.

He always says, The race is long, one day you’ll fly.

Maybe he’s just like every other dad in the world. Maybe he really believes it.

I like to think he believes it.

That’s the real reason I don’t just pack up and leave to Beijing, Berlin or someplace where no one knows me, you know?

Because it would be nice if I could prove him right.

And I’d miss them all.

Location: sick in bed
Mood: sick
Music: So, all alone I keep the wolves at bay
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Friends and funerals

The average American only has two friends

Went to yet another funeral last week. I’m going to far too many for my age. Or maybe it’s just right. I don’t know.

No joy.

My friend said, afterward, “It makes you think who’ll show up to your, you know, your…thing.”

I wonder who will.

You know, a recent survey says that the average American has only two close friends. I’ve got a few because I know I need them.

I hope you have more than two – life is hard enough as it is.

Plus it would just be sad if no one showed up.

Not that…oh, you know what I mean…

Location: -5 minutes in kitchen, waiting for coffee
Mood: sick
Music: Heads we will, Tails we’ll try again

Don’t wake me from the dream

Sometimes dreams seem so real, and we wish they were

Had a dream the other night that seemed so real.

Was in an old apartment I had and someone was washing the dishes. I came up behind her and tapped her shoulder and a face I haven’t seen in a while turned around to smile at me.

Her: (drying hands) You ok?
Me: What are you doing here?
Her: (laughing) I live here. Why? Are you trying to tell me something?
Me: You live here?
Her: Yes, I live here.
Me: Are we happy?
Her: What the hell’s wrong with you? The question is, are you happy?
Me: I am.
Her: Then what’s wrong?
Me: Not a thing. Everything is…everything is right.

Then I woke up.

I so didn’t want to wake up.

Location: @1:23AM, showering before bed
Mood: melancholy
Music: I’m so free…No black and white in the blue

I gotta talk to you

Made a bad email faux pas

Me: I’ll just get to the point – you’re gonna be REALLY mad in about 30 seconds.
Him: Why? What’d you do now?
Me: Did you see that episode of The Office where Michael accidentally sends an email to the wrong person?
Him: Oh god…
Me: Well, I forwarded those pics you asked for and my accompanying comments to X.
Him: How do you screw that up?!?!? My name is spelled nothing like her’s.
Me: Yeah, I did it though. I’m really sorry.
Him: …
Me: Hello? You’re really mad, right?
Him: What makes you think that? Because, while I’m working like a dog for coin, you’re dismantling my social life brick-by-brick? No, I’m not mad. Listen, you gotta take the train down here right now.
Me: Uh…sure. Why?
Him: Because I need to strangle you. Don’t wear a turtleneck.

Location: the intersection of embarrassment and stupidity
Mood: mortified
Music: I’m no longer moved to drink strong whiskey

Expanding

Take up your space in the world

Reaction of two people whose personal space ar...
Reaction of two people whose personal space are in conflict. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Personal space runs from 18″ to four feet from your body to another person.

In NYC, that number is probably two feet from you body. That would mean that your personal space is a 13 square-foot circle around you.

So in the past number of weeks, I’ve learned that three of my friends are involved in “secret” relationships, not with each other, where people don’t know that they’re involved. Two are women, one is a man.

Why would any self-respecting person want to be with something that isn’t proud to say, Yeah she’s with me?

That, and premium ice cubes, is just about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.

  • I say, you’re entitled to your 13 square-foot circle.
  • I say, take up your damn space in the world – in fact take up more.
  • I say, if you don’t think you deserve it, you don’t.

Me? I’m expanding.

Location: Home sweet home.
Mood: grumpy
Music: I’m thrown and overblown with bliss.

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Totally worth it

You pay a price for the things you do

Me: Do you remember hitting me on New Years?
Her: I hit you?! Why?
Me: Well, someone, not me, grabbed your butt and you turned to me and you were all pissed. You asked, “Did you grab my butt?” And I said, “No.”
Her: Did you grab my butt?
Me: No.
Her: Then what happened?
Me: Then I grabbed your butt. And you immediately slapped me.
Her: (pause) Was it any good?
Me: (pause) Yes. It was totally worth it.

We then both laughed. My friends are awesome. She thinks I’m in love with her, I think she’s in love with me. We’re both wrong – a good thing.

We’ll be friends for a long time.

Location: @12:25, Glitter and Doom @ 1000 Fifth Avenue
Mood: mellow
Music: Somehow, I lost my way, looking to see something in your eyes

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Peace, Hope and Harold

Good people make all the difference

I’m still excited about 2007, it’s only a few days old and I’m hopeful for the future for two reasons.

Reason One
So the big thing in NYC is this 50 year-old guy, Wesley Autry, jumps onto the train tracks to save the life of a kid he doesn’t know. The train rolls over both of them and his two daughters, four and six, are sure he’s dead. But it turns out, Autry pushed himself and this guy into this pit full of sewage as the train rolled over both of them. They’re both fine.

Still believe that people as a whole are a bunch of selfish scumbags. I should know, I’m one of them. That’s why when something like this happens, an entire jaded city of 11 million plus takes note.

They just re-did the Milgram experiments and the results were the same. What a freaking disappointment. But you’ve got singular people like Autrey who, when asked why he did what he did, shrugs and says, “I thought the guy needed help.”

Reason Two
I have a plant that my family brought over from Asia. His name is Harold (yes, I name my plants – trust me, that’s the least of my oddities).

He’s been with me for over a decade. When my ex moved in with me, her two cats used him like a #$@@# salad buffet so I put him outside where my upstairs neighbor promptly dropped buckets of cement on him.

Harold’s been a nasty mess for months now but this morning, I noticed that he was growing new shoots.

It’s beautiful outside right now.

Blue skies above; cold, clear air below.

I’m hopeful.

Location: @3:15, standing in line at the post
Mood: hopeful
Music: I’ve been searching for a long time, I still have hope, I’m gonna find my way home
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Bother, bother…

We make cameos in people’s lives

I’ve had time to digest what happened over New Year’s Eve. Overall, it was great.

There were some moments I could have lived without but that’s pretty much my life.

Went to my fencing class tonight and actually got clocked because I was thinking about it. Not fun.

Well for me, anywho; the guy that hit me thought it was hilarious.

Tonight, I spoke with a girl I just met. She’s potentially going through a breakup too. That makes 11 that I know of in as many weeks. It’s gotta be something in the air. Or maybe relationships are just hard.

Someone once said to me that it’s better to be the star of your own movie than have a cameo in someone else’s.

She was totally right about that.

It’s funny because Kirk’s never been in a long-term relationship and wants to be in one; I’ve never been alone and want to try it out. But it’s not easy because it’s just nice to have someone to think about about in my quiet moments.

Oh, bother, bother – let’s just be honest with each other.
I probably already think of you, you just don’t know it, or I don’t show it.
But I’ve tricked you, you see;
It’s quiet now,
And I made you think of me.

06:13:03 AM – UPDATE
The insomnia’s back.

Location: @8:25, getting jtabbed with a wooden sword on 72nd
Mood: pensive
Music: You know that I’m falling and I don’t know what to say

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Burning boats

You can’t go back

Ooooh, my aching head.

One would think that, with the sheer quantity of alcohol I ingested last night, I would have slept like death.

One would be mistaken.

I saw a ton of friends last night and it was hella fun. It was my first new year’s eve as a single guy, I think ever in my adult life. Kinda weird. And as the night wore on, it got progressively weirder.

  • I got slapped at least once but it was totally worth it (not (exactly) what you think)
  • Almost dis-robed a very cool girl I met last night (totally by accident) – she did not look pleased but I hope to see her again anyway
  • Got hit on by a friend (that was weird)
  • Regretted not hitting on her back (that was weirder)

Alexander the Great used to burn his boats once his army landed somewhere so that they had no choice but either fight and win or die in a foreign land.

In 2006, I made my choices and burned my boats.

2007 then.

Let’s go, let’s go…
Location: @3AM-ish, stumbling home on Broadway
Mood: tired
Music: Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich?

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