Met up with the Ex one last time
I’m tired – my insomnia’s returned. I’m running about at half-speed and, more stressing, half-wit.
Saw my ex again a few days ago. She came by to pick up one last thing she left here. It was actually pleasant. She and I both managed to crack a smile or two.
Told her that I was seeing someone. Nothing yet, I said, more the chance that it could be something.
She nodded and slowly smiled and said that she hoped it worked out for me.
I believe her.
She also said that I should get a handle on my insomnia because it was a major problem in our relationship. The irony of her comment was that it kept me up all night despite a massive amount of chemicals.
But the other thing that kept my past girlfriends and me from being happy, I realized, was pride. Admittedly, it was usually mine. It’s a horrid sin.
Our respective pride has not served my ex nor me well.
Regardless of who I end up, I’ve decided to choose her over my pride.
Pride enables you to say, But at least I was right, to an empty room.
And I tell you from experience that there’s no more deafening an echo than that.
Location: in front of a nice warm cup of espresso
Music: love is stronger than…it’ll serve you longer than pride
Slow drowning in her blue eyes.
Location: @3AM, listening to 80s music downtown
Music: you finally found all your courage to let it all go
A bird fell out of the sky and into my NYC backyard
It beyond cold the other day. I woke up and heard a thud in my back yard.
I was pissed because people are always tossing things into my area, but I looked in and saw that a pigeon had just up and dropped outta the sky and into my yard.
Just stared at it for a while before I finally went back there to remove it.
Not the best way to start the day but, I gotta admit, my day was better than the bird’s. I’m hoping he was just old and it was his time.
My sister took the above picture over the summer. I decided that it was a better picture to post than one of the dead bird.
Always be positive, that’s what I say – there’s enough sadness to go around.
Fly, baby, fly…
Location: @3PM, bumping into an old friend off Grand Street
Music: slippin, slippin, slippin, into the future
Moving on from the breakup
That’s my houseplant, Harold. He keeps mostly to himself.
Bought a new bed about four months ago.
Stopped making two cups of coffee every morning about three months ago.
Stopped thinking about her constantly about two months ago.
Last week we finally split up our phone plans (more on that later).
Just bought new linens and sheets.
I’m moving on.
But her shelves are still bare. Her side of the medicine cabinet is still empty. The spot where her desk used to be is still open.
The thing is, they’re not empty for her.
Tuesday night, I gave in and called one of those women I said I wouldn’t. Something about the weather I guess. Last night, we met up and were out for eight hours in the first real NYC snow of the year. Laughed harder than I have in months.
Let’s find out.
Location: @3:03 AM, hopping a cab on 9th St & 3rd Ave.
Music: in the faces you see, you’ll see just who you’ve been
I’d like to move away – but I’d miss my family
The funeral I went to has been on my mind. It’s made me pensive and sappy.
I have no death wish – far from it. I have a master plan to live until I’m 100. But the plans of mice and men…
What I think about is whether or not I’ll get to find out if my father is right or wrong.
My father, you see, believes me in. I don’t know why, especially in light of my dismal track record in, well…just about everything. Yet, he thinks that I am capable of things I don’t think I am.
He always says, The race is long, one day you’ll fly.
Maybe he’s just like every other dad in the world. Maybe he really believes it.
I like to think he believes it.
That’s the real reason I don’t just pack up and leave to Beijing, Berlin or someplace where no one knows me, you know?
Because it would be nice if I could prove him right.
And I’d miss them all.
Location: sick in bed
Music: So, all alone I keep the wolves at bay
The average American only has two friends
Went to yet another funeral last week. I’m going to far too many for my age. Or maybe it’s just right. I don’t know.
My friend said, afterward, “It makes you think who’ll show up to your, you know, your…thing.”
I wonder who will.
You know, a recent survey says that the average American has only two close friends. I’ve got a few because I know I need them.
I hope you have more than two – life is hard enough as it is.
Plus it would just be sad if no one showed up.
Not that…oh, you know what I mean…
Location: -5 minutes in kitchen, waiting for coffee
Music: Heads we will, Tails we’ll try again
Sometimes dreams seem so real, and we wish they were
Had a dream the other night that seemed so real.
Was in an old apartment I had and someone was washing the dishes. I came up behind her and tapped her shoulder and a face I haven’t seen in a while turned around to smile at me.
Her: (drying hands) You ok?
Me: What are you doing here?
Her: (laughing) I live here. Why? Are you trying to tell me something?
Me: You live here?
Her: Yes, I live here.
Me: Are we happy?
Her: What the hell’s wrong with you? The question is, are you happy?
Me: I am.
Her: Then what’s wrong?
Me: Not a thing. Everything is…everything is right.
Then I woke up.
I so didn’t want to wake up.
Location: @1:23AM, showering before bed
Music: I’m so free…No black and white in the blue