Three barns with white horses & sliding doors

Barn’s burnt down. Now, I can see the moon


Barn’s burnt down — now I can see the moon. –¬†Mizuta Masahide
 

Worked this past weekend. Did manage to see Heartgirl for a bit – she said that I could mention her in this blog so long as it wasn’t anything terribly personal. So she’s back. On a related note, s’funny but about ten people unsubscribed since I stopped being single.

Heartgirl and I did have an interesting discussion about how Life works out. Year ago today I was queuing in Great Britain wondering what to do about losing all my scratch. She was doing some heavy thinking in Times Square.

She mentioned she loved Sliding Doors and In-a-Silver-Bag told me a story about a white horse. While I don’t think that everything happens for a reason, I do think that whatever happens in our lives sculpt us to be who we’re meant to be.

Having said that, had a terrible, terrible day. Said it before, out little lives are all just three things – health, wealth and relationships. It’s like our three barns. And onea my barns are always burning.

It’s hard thinking that there’s some good that’s gonna come outta this latest fire. Then again, realized this past weekend that, if my last major relationship didn’t supernova, never woulda started this blog, had the cool parts of the past 24 months, or met any of the people that matter so much to me now.

Also, never would have met Heartgirl. She alone’s worth the price of admission.

Well, her and the rum. Mostly her.

So…hoping that this latest fire is just my way to see Selene again and an excuse to drink some red, red rum.

Location: 19:45 yest, leaving office
Mood: terrible
Music: we got to do something about where we`re going
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Our trespasses

Location: 16:20 yest, eating burger #2 in Brooklyn
Mood: beat
Music: I know enough to know when someone trusts you

In any relationship, there’s always the time when you’re faced with two competing, equally valid, points of view.

  • On the one hand, you should never accept piss-poor behaviour.
  • On the other hand, you should forgive people their screw-ups.

Friday, was supposed to see someone but she just completely flaked. Not even a text saying, Not showing up. Her explanation was that this is her reality – this is acceptable behaviour for her and her friends. Which only makes me believe more than ever that you are the company you keep. Should point out we got into what I thought was a minor disagreement but what she thought was a full on argument prior to the evening.

When we finally spoke, I was livid.

But here’s the thing: after all was said and done, she pointed out one time that I showed piss-poor behaviour. And she said she forgave me.

Y’know, every night, every single one, I ask to be forgiven our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us. These can’t be empty words. Cause, I gotta believe you’re more than just your thoughtless screw-ups. Cause, I gotta believe that I’m more than my awful things.

———-

Saturday, in the midst of a hurricane, see LisaV and her friends downtown at onea my favorite joints, a hidden bar called East Side Company. No signs, no lines. Just the number 49, baby. Meet her friend, a tall, hella attractive Asian girl and ask for her info – but it’s not for me; she’s exactly my buddy’s type. Sometimes, you take one for the team, yeah?

Sunday, meet up with Heartgirl for a last minute thing. Stop by her place and help her bake cookies and discuss Scrabble. We had The Talk but it was nuthin I didn’t already know. Put our shades on and we’re off to a BBQ in Brooklyn where we hung out with her friends. Nice group but more on that some other time.

Get home Sunday night with a belly fulla charred meat, fatty carbs and beer. Nice but in my head I think, Man, summer’s really not my season.

But fall, man…fall’s my season. Cannot wait to see my fall blue sky again.

Waiting for the Right Scene / Hardest way to Travel

 

 

PCD: (turning to me) That’s not true, I haven’t kissed anyone else in a long time.
Me: Really? How long?
Her: A whole week.
Me: (quizzical look)
Her: (turning back to TV) When you stop kissing other people so will I.

My friend Joanne said once that dating past your 30s is like that board game Scene It. In the first part of the game, if you get something wrong, there’s no penalty. In the second part, you’re penalized for each wrong answer. She said that dating up to 30 is like the first part and dating past your 30s is like the second part.

Spoke to Heartgirl recently. Like HEI, she’s become what I’d consider a close friend. Well, as close a friend as I guy like me has. She thinks I’m going about this wrong, the random dating and whatnot. But I’ve done the serial monogamy thing for 16 years. It doesn’t work for me.

Without a hint of arrogance, I believe that whomever ends up with me is a lucky girlie. Cause I’m whip-smart. Given lead time to prep and the right jeans, I’m easy on the eyes. Have fairly good manners. Can cook.

Most of all, though, I’m loyal. For that girl, I can say, I’m yours. I’ve gotten it outta my system. 130+ dates later, I’m good to go. I choose you.

And yeah, I’m old, weird, clumsy, nerdy, insominatic – the list goes on. No lie, whenever there’s money left over for rum after a mortgage payment, it’s like Christmas morning.

But I know what I bring to the table. SX once asked me what entertainment I’d provide and responded, “I am the entertainment.”

One should know one’s value. Cause if your cup of self worth is only half full, why would anyone else see any more than that, y’know?

In other news, the woman I love the most in the world is on a plane to bury the woman she loves most in the world.

There’s no harder way to travel than with a broken heart. It takes 22 hours to get from here to there. That’s a long time to spend with your thoughts. If I could take that cross from her, I would.

 

Location: in front of a glass of rum
Mood: sigh
Music: Got no place to go but there’s a girl waiting for me

Oh…cm’on!

Location: My office, wishing I were outside
Mood: wistful
Music: Our hands are covered in cake But I swear we didn’t have any

Seriously, someone somewhere really just hates me. Hates me.

Realized as I went through records that I may be the oldest person in my entire condo building.

Still, although it’s served with a big slice of lemon, at least my blue sky’s back.

———-

Heartgirl dropped me a line recently. Isn’t weird how the more you don’t want to think about someone, the more you do?

HEI’s going through some rough times but I told her that rough times are when you find out what you’re made of. Rough times cut away the fat of your life to see the muscle underneath. On a related note, while we’re both attracted to each other, we’re solidly in friends camp for our own reasons. Hopefully we stay in each other’s Venn Diagram.

BEG is off on vacation so I don’t think I’ll be seeing her any time soon.

Finally, PCD and I saw each other recently. In addition to being a cake decorator, she also has an anthropology degree so we’ve some interesting conversations.

Her: Today I made an onion – tomorrow I’m making asparagus.
Me: (laughing) You’re so non sequitur.

Her: I’m totally sequitur!

Me: It’s ok, I like non-sequitur.

Her: So one physical marker of an Asian is the shovel shaped incisors – the insides of your incisors are scooped.

Me: (feeling the inside of my teeth with my tongue) Well, look at that. (pause) Cm’re, lemme check out yours – for purely scientific purposes, I assure you…


My favorite picture

Location: 21:00 punching someone off West End Ave
Mood: excited
Music: don’t have to wait for words I can walk away and listen to the birds

Had the best news tonight when I realized that I had no one to share it with. Called someone because I wanted to but she didn’t pick up. Sad but not completely unexpected.

Gonna keep some more things to myself if you don’t mind; let’s just say, I got a tiny win today. Just a little. And that’s something.

Also, my fencing instructor said I was high intermediate – just under expert, which made me all sortsa warm and fuzzy too, in a cutthroat kinda way. I also talked to L and Pretty Jenny, botha whom reminded me how nice it is to have friends that are still on your side.

Finally, I found this picture after months of looking for it. It’s one of my favorites. I think that’s a hawk in the NYC sky.

Hey there, blue sky. Did y’miss me?

I’ve missed you.

Philly

Location: 14:00 yest, going 80 on the Penn Turnpike
Mood: tired
Music: since I came here, felt the joy and the fear Finding myself making every possible mistake

Rang up the the Sexologist (SX) last week.

Me: Gio and his girl Amy’re going to his friend’s birthday party (wait for it) in Philly this weekend. Thought I’d see you.

SX: How convenient. I could hang out Saturday night. BTW, I found your blog. I’m 22 not 23.
Me: (pause) Of course you are.

Off to Philly.

SX and I met up with Seemoore briefly at her restaurant; we both agreed that she’s very attractive. Why do pretty girls always think they’re not? Asked Seemoore if she believed all the stuff I wrote about. She said she did.

Me: Am I like what you expected?

Seemoore: You seem older in the blog. You’re more friendly and outgoing in real life.

Me: (laughing) I don’t like to visit my troubles on my friends in real life. Just you guys that read me – sorry ’bout that.


She actually paid for our dessert – she’s all win. Then SX and I left, spending the rest of the night talking and walking about town. It was punctuated by laughter as the laces of her boots constantly got tangled.

Her: I like how you just invite yourself over to my place. (dismissively) Men always just wanna get into my pants.

Me: Just looking to crash, darlin’. I can promise you I won’t try.

Her: Why not?

Me: (shrugging) Because.

We met up with her friend who told us about her sex life. In vivid detail. Evidently, I lived a very sheltered life in college I live a very sheltered life. Did I mention vivid? Later we watched a chick flick before we passed out.

Loathe to admit it, but I do enjoy the British chick flicks.

Came back Sunday morning. Gio and Amy were passed out in the back seat the whole ride back. 3 hours to get to Manhattan and an hour to get through Manhattan.

Turning 35 in two weeks. Gotta come up with 26K the same day as my birthday.

Ain’t that a kick in the head?

Least my blue sky was out.

Hug or Handshake?

On a first date, do you do the hug or handshake?

Me: Hi there. (pause) Ah, the awkward, Hug or handshake?
Her: (smiling) I’ll give you the hug.

Because of the craziness of various things in my personal/business life, I’ve not been dating at all. But, as I said yesterday, on Sunday I met up with a pretty green-eyed school teacher for a cup of coffee and we had the best time – the weather was killer and we just walked about the neighborhood. It was probably the most relaxed I’d been in while.

For a few hours at least, I forgot about my worries. I’m supposed to see her again this week.

It’s funny, even in my darkest hours, I can still find ways to distract myself with utter randomness. Case in point, I was queuing in the bank the other day:

Female Teller 1: (handing me receipt) Is there anything else?
Me: Yeah, (pointing to Female Teller 2) What’s her name?
Both: Lisa
Me: (turning to Female Teller 2) Hello, Lisa.

All three of us laughed and then I politely excused myself. The rest of the week sucked but I live for the weekend and these random bits of entertainment.

That and the blue sky, of course.

Location: 20:00 yest., on the 7 train, coming home
Mood: concerned
Music: rescue me lemme have a good time

Selene in the bright blue sky

There’s nothing like New York lights in the indigo

Regarding yesterday’s post, click here. Got a haircut.

I’m meeting so many new people these days. Weird. Must be the season. Or my cologne. Or the fact that I’m easy.

Kidding.

I don’t wear cologne. Much.

I like walking at night because it’s quiet and the New York lights in the indigo…well, you just can’t get that anywhere else. But I can’t tonight because of the rain. So I’m here with you.

Love the blue sky too, it’s just that I’m usually up at night. But in truth, the blue sky gets me every time, especially in the fall.

Sometimes I’ll just stop whatever I’m doing to go outside and look up. You gotta, from time-to-time. Cause really, is anything so important that you can’t spare five minutes to look up?

Once in a while, I’ll see the moon in the bright blue sky.

And I think, it’s gonna be a good day.

Today – grey, miserable, and wet.

Tomorrow?

I’ll let you know, yeah?

Location: under a raincloud in Queens
Mood: soggy
Music: She is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes