100th Post

Would it matter if I was?

This is my 100th post.

This weekend, I had the last of my birthday celebrations with my college friends. They like to celebrate in nice places with nice tableware.

Me? Burgers and wings, please. Gio and Hazel brought me out for more of the same the day before. Anything else will spoil me.

I had a weird conversation with a Rain recently:

Him: I gotta ask, are you gay?
Me: First of all, no. Second of all, what?
Him: I had to ask.
Me: Now? You’ve known me for almost ten years! Now? Would it matter if I were?
Him: Stop being a lawyer, and no. It just came up.
Me: It just came up?
Him: It just came up.
Me: Do you even read my blog?
Him: Does anyone?

I’m not – not that there’s anything wrong with it. There is no bigger fan of the female form. Someone overheard that I’ve had relations with two bisexual women, but I guess they didn’t hear that last part.

But I do have to say that I’m not even sure why women like men.

If I was a woman, I would be a raging lesbian.

Raging.

Location: 7:15 AM, in my car, rushing to midtown
Mood: Content
Music: they collide until the blue-eyed girl decides to let me go home

Hello…what?

Don’t want to comment on all the tragedy; there’s enough. So, here’s four happy/stupid:

  1. Instead of a birthday cake, I had a low-fat, low-carb ice cream sandwich. It was great good not so bad.
  2. CindyE sang me Happy Birthday, in-aeternum sent me an amazing gift, in_a_silver_bag sent me a picture of soup, and so many of you guys left me comments – I can’t even tell you how that made my day. Plus people remembered that I didn’t think would and people forgot that I didn’t think would. All good. Finally, katsmw digitaldewi, and frieseurfrau, all mentioned me in their journals. Cool.
  3. At least 15 people left me voicemail per my request.
    • I could use some more (especially male) for the project I’m considering. Could you give me a ring? Don’t leave your name if you don’t wanna.
  4. I appreciate all your kind thoughts but here’s my favorite greeting from the past week or so:

Him: Hey, I wanted to wish you a happy b-day. By the way, I’ve got some good dirt.
Me: Sweet, hit me.
Him: Remember when I told you that I ran into your ex out here?
Me: Vaguely…
Him: We totally hooked up. I mean full-on.
Me: (pause) How is that good again?
Him: I meant for me.
Me: (…)
Him: Why’s everything about you? Oh, there’s my ride, I’m out. Happy Birthday!
Me: (…)

I’ve decided that hope is good.

Thanks for the hope.

Location: on my birthday, in the UWS, swinging sticks around
Mood: happy
Music: built my life around you but time makes you bolder Even children get older

Hole

I’m always working through a few things

I can’t believe no one sent me soup.

Despite my better judgment, just walked in the door from a night with the guys. I took the long walk home to clear my head and sober me up. I got in at 2AM on Monday and now 3AM on Thursday.

I’m turning 34 next week, I’ve gotta stop with these mid-week late nights. Then again, I don’t really work but that’s neither here nor there.

So, here I am in front of my computer trying to get some things done and my thoughts drift.

I’m feeling philosophical, what with the volume of chemicals in my system. As I said before, all of life’s problems can be traced to health, wealth or relationships. We all have holes in our worlds that go through one of those routes.

Now, I’ve got a hole in all three. I’m trying to fill them as best I can but they seem un-fillable, sometimes. Timing.

Speaking of which, another girl – whom I’ll just call Caligirl and let you guess why – and I were orbiting back in December. We never got together because of my situation back then and I ended up with someone else. Now – well, now, I’ve got a new situation on my mind. She’s nice enough but I’m trying to clear my head.

Her: Hey, I heard you’re seeing someone.
Me: I was. Past tense.
Her: Oh, well…that’s too bad. Not that it’s related (laugh) but, you free for lunch this weekend?
Me: (pause) I’d love to but I think I’m sick. I’m also…working through a few things.
Her: (sigh) Yeah…you’re always working through a few things.

Yeah…I’m always working through a few things.

Location: @2AM, grabbing an uptown train at 14th
Mood: tired
Music: if it’s all the same to you I love you oh so well Like a kid loves candy

Look at the time

I’ll be 34 soon

Just walked in the door from drinks with Nadi, who always makes me laugh, even when I’m as sick as a dog. As I’m sobering up, I hope I didn’t say too much but I’m sure I did. Something else for some other time. She’s looking for something too. I wish I could help her find it.

As for me, I’ll be 34 shortly, so I present three separate conversations from people I met recently:

Her: Oh you went to Cornell too?
Me: Yep, class of 1993.
Her: (pause) I think I was in first grade then.
Me: (sigh) I think that’s my phone…

Her: 1993?
Me: Yeah, why?
Her: (counting) Man, I was nine then.
Me: (sigh) Dark rum on the rocks with a slice of orange. Keep ’em coming.
Her: (pause) We don’t have oranges
Me: Of course.

Him: You graduated high school in 1990?
Me: Yep.
Him: (pause) Wow, that’s when I was born.
Me: (sigh) Look at the time…
Him: (confused) Dude, you’re not even wearing a watch.

But I still know what time it is.

Location: @2:32 AM, spilling secrets on 72nd with an old friend and new
Mood: sick
Music: in love with a girl who’s in love with the world

50/50

You think your dating life is bad?

Had a late dinner and a bit to drink with Hazel and Locationgirl.

Probably have a 50/50 ratio of male/female friends. For me, there’s a clear line of demarcation between friends and lovers, potential or otherwise (of course that’s exactly what my ex said to me and that turned out to be total crap).

Still, it’s great being able to have feminine sounding boards. Consider the recent conversation between Casey and myself:

Her: You think your dating life is bad? On date three, a guy asked me to show up wearing a Halloween costume.
Me: No way! What’d you say?
Her: I said “F___ no!”
Me: Nice. Strong work there, Case.
Her: Yeah, and then just the other day he contacted me to ask if I had a Maid’s…
Me: (interrupting) Wait, you answered?
Her: (pause) Yea, I guess I shouldn’t have.

I’ve said it before, relationships are hard. You do what you can, when you can.

For me, life is…confusing. At least I’m not the only one who’s confused.

Location: @10PM, in front of pitcher three
Mood: drunk
Music: another chance and a someday soon, Shining like the Alabama moon

Don’t wake me from the dream

Sometimes dreams seem so real, and we wish they were

Had a dream the other night that seemed so real.

Was in an old apartment I had and someone was washing the dishes. I came up behind her and tapped her shoulder and a face I haven’t seen in a while turned around to smile at me.

Her: (drying hands) You ok?
Me: What are you doing here?
Her: (laughing) I live here. Why? Are you trying to tell me something?
Me: You live here?
Her: Yes, I live here.
Me: Are we happy?
Her: What the hell’s wrong with you? The question is, are you happy?
Me: I am.
Her: Then what’s wrong?
Me: Not a thing. Everything is…everything is right.

Then I woke up.

I so didn’t want to wake up.

Location: @1:23AM, showering before bed
Mood: melancholy
Music: I’m so free…No black and white in the blue

Totally worth it

You pay a price for the things you do

Me: Do you remember hitting me on New Years?
Her: I hit you?! Why?
Me: Well, someone, not me, grabbed your butt and you turned to me and you were all pissed. You asked, “Did you grab my butt?” And I said, “No.”
Her: Did you grab my butt?
Me: No.
Her: Then what happened?
Me: Then I grabbed your butt. And you immediately slapped me.
Her: (pause) Was it any good?
Me: (pause) Yes. It was totally worth it.

We then both laughed. My friends are awesome. She thinks I’m in love with her, I think she’s in love with me. We’re both wrong – a good thing.

We’ll be friends for a long time.

Location: @12:25, Glitter and Doom @ 1000 Fifth Avenue
Mood: mellow
Music: Somehow, I lost my way, looking to see something in your eyes

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