This time around

 

Camera Obscura in concert at the South Street Seaport

 

Camera Obscura – the drummer was smoking like a chimney.

Baltimore was nice. Coming home was nicer. This time around, there was silverware. Sorta.

Was in the Baltimore Penn Station and I remembered being there a year ago asking my brother what I should do when I got home. He reminded me of something:

You’re 33. How can someone that you’ve been with for four years define you? What’d you do before her?

Told him the same thing once before.

I’m troubled again, but this time, for totally different reasons.

Was going to make a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich but instead had a rendezvous with a single-barrel, seven-year rum. No oranges.

This week is going to be very unpleasant but I just told someone here that life has it’s highs and lows. Life’s like that.

I’m ready for some more highs.

Camera Obscura in concert at the South Street Seaport

Location: 9PM yest, Freehold NJ, hearing a sad story
Mood: troubled
Music: I’m a stupid little thing

Great Expectations

Everyone I ever liked was some form of Estella

Dickens actually wrote two endings for the book – in the published version, you don’t know what happens to the two of them.

In the original, Dickens had Pip realize that he loved the girl that was cruel. And that girl was gone. The good girl left behind, wasn’t the one he loved.

I can relate. Think all the women I’ve ever had a thing for was some version of Estella. Interesting, eh?

I would love to meet a girl with that name. There was this Korean girl Stella whom I had a crush on. When we got our yearbooks, she wrote, You should have asked me out, I woulda said yes.

Argh! It’s why I don’t tell people things like that.

Other names I like:

  • Alexis – damn, that’s sexy
  • Amanda – just dated one
  • Marie – just met one from France, seeing her soon
  • Melissa/Melody/Molly – no explanation
  • Yve/Yvonne – massive elementary school crush
  • Many French/German/Russian names – Tajania, Katja
  • Many Japanese names – Naomi, Marimo

Once dated a girl who was Frau Zuzanne D’Longe – that was just hot.

Just walked in from a date.

Keep wondering if it’s better to have expectations or to have none.

Location: -30 mins telling her, I’m going in again
Mood: sotted
Music: I’d just like to know do you love him or just making time

We all have our own Black Swans

A Black Swan is an unforeseen event that makes a huge impact

 

A Black Swan is an unforeseen event that makes a huge historical impact. The assassination of Franz Ferdinand, 9/11, and the rise of dot coms are considered Black Swans.

But we all have our own personal Black Swans, yeah? Those events that changed everything about our lives completely unexpectedly?

The ex moved out a year ago this week.

I recorded the above video for my brother after I got back from Baltimore and saw that she, and all her stuff, was gone (nothing risqué; trust me, totally SFW).

I used the spatula to make myself a peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwich. I sat in my empty living room and thought, Well, this is gonna suck. And it did. Really bad.

But it doesn’t anymore. When I do think of a girl, she’s not the one I think of. I never would have believed it.

Time and tide changes everything.

Note to self: If you ever live with a chick again, do not throw out your utensils just because hers matches.

Life is good.

Location: -20 mins, on Broadway, picking grapefruit
Mood: grateful
Music: My heart was broke, my head was sore, what a feeling
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Umbrellas in our drinks

 The night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks

 

Spoke to an ex a few times in this month. Probably not a good idea.

Speaking of exes, I met a designer who asked me what happened with my last serious girl. I don’t know why I told her because I don’t think I told anyone really, including you, did I? No great drama, really. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Me: One random day, I picked up tickets to a show and got reservations at her favorite Japanese restaurant as a surprise. She said she couldn’t make it that night because she was tired. So I tried to get her come out without ruining it and she hung up on me.
Her: That’s it? That’s crazy! You never told her?
Me: (shrugging) I tried but it’s hard talking to a dial tone.
Her: What? You couldn’t leave a message?
Me: I could have. But I felt that she should have been on my side, yeah?
Her: That’s your pride talking. I dunno who’s more f____ up, you or her.
Me: I’d put money on me. (laughing) But hey, we’re in New York, the night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks. Does anything else really matter right now?
Her: (shakes head, grins)

It’s been a while since I’ve thought of either ex.

Dunno if it’s church, chicks, the checks or the rum, but I’ve been oddly content.

That’s not true – I know why. I’ll tell you soon.

Promise.

Location: 5:45PM yest, alone in a church
Mood: excited
Music: Sunlight On my face I wake up and yeah I’m alive
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Logan still hates mice and AT&T

Switched mobile phone carries and thought of something

Note to self: After a major car accident and a two-week cold, avoid fencing.

Avoid…fencing.

———-

Haven’t seen my furry little houseguest in a few days, but the other thing I said still holds true.

After nine years, I’ve left the devil I know and ended up with the devil I don’t know, but already hate.

Funny, it’s sorta like my personal life, except with customer service, but just imagine…

Voice:

  • To leave a message, press 1.
  • To admit everything’s your fault since we’ve met, press 2.
  • To perform the traditional swapping of the stuff, press 3.
  • To find out things you really don’t wanna know but just gotta know, press…

Hope my 8/2007 is better than my 8/2006.

Location: 7PM yest, heading west on the LIE
Mood: sore
Music: ni wang ji wo xing ming
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Pets, Pt. II

Being friends with an ex comes with its own special baggage

Think I’m pretty much just feeding the mice at this point. They even keep eating all the poison bait I put out, with no effect.

Mouse1: Look, I like that he leaves us food on these shiny wood and metal plates. But, #$@#! That green stuff gave me a @#$@#! stomachache.
Mouse2: Why do you have to curse so much?
Mouse1: I’ve become inured to it as the expressive vocabulary of my society. It’s neither indicative of a belief nor of a value system.
Mouse2: (…)
Mouse1: (sighing, shaking head) I know, we totally gotta get outta this #$@#$@ joint.

May take one of No. 6’s cats. Besides the mouse issue, I miss having a pet that doesn’t swim in its own waste.

Unfortunately, my last conversation with her was decidedly unpleasant. While I like the thought of having a cat that I’m used to, I’m worried it’s gonna come with baggage.

No more baggage for this bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, Asian boy, thanx.

Plus, I’ve never had a little kitten before; that might be kinda cool.

But we’ll see.

Wonder how Harold’s gonna take it.

Location: PM yest., 26th Precinct, writing a check
Mood: still sick
Music: After all the b__s__ I’ve heard It’s refreshing
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Somehow Stay

Heard a song by Tara Leigh Cobble that I liked

Called the ex today. Purely practical reasons, I assure you. Wasn’t that bad. Like I said yesterday, forgetting is good.

More on that later.

Went to church last Sunday.

Met this woman named named Tara-Leigh Cobble who sang a song called Somehow Stay. I liked it because I thought that it sounded like something I might have written; it’s a gospel but works as a love song too.

Liked it so much that I picked it up; you can also go to her website and hear it to decide if you like it.

OK, back to coughing up a lung…

Location: haven’t moved
Mood: sick
Music: none of us Are living the lives we planned
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The little things

I live my life through tiny cues

Despite my best efforts, had to go outside today for work. 95+ degrees of hell.

I live my life via interpersonal perception: quick, acute, and intuitive cognition. In other words: tiny cues.

Was at the bookstore the other day and this guy with hella scary tats came in. He had two short sticks in his bag and callouses on his right hand. So I asked, “Are you an XXXX fencer?”

His face broke out into this huge grin and he gave me the salute for my system, which I returned. We’re gonna roll after work craziness stops.

When it comes to women, think I fall or don’t fall for them based on these cues.

Broke it off with this one girl because she never said, “Thank you” to people. There’re a million pretty girls in the big city – I don’t need one that can’t be nice.

Once fell for another girl because, when she thought I couldn’t hear, she’d wash the dishes and sing just…terribly. Another girl would bob her head back and forth when she was happy or wanted to dance. I loved her right away.

In this video, look at Imogen’s eyes 3 mins, 35 sec before it ends. Things like that kill me. I can’t explain why. It just does.

KT Tunstall is half-Chinese with a smoky Scottish voice. My people rock so hard.

In the vid above, watch her eyes 11 seconds before it ends. Eyes get me every time (here’s another version – I’m crushing).

Little things. I’m a sucker for the little things.

Hey, aren’t we all?

Location: still in front of my cracked screen
Mood: oddly content
Music: won’t you please send me back

Joni Mitchell never lies

You don’t know what you got till it’s gone

I’m somewhere. Not elsewhere, I’m afraid. Just away. Here.

You know you’ve been traveling too much when you pull into a driveway and realize, Oh man, I’ve stayed here before.

Don’t even remember coming to Rochester before.

You don’t know it, but I’m sitting in my hotel room laughing to myself.

Spent a week here in this same hotel nine months ago. It was a strange time then. It’s strange again.

Sleep. Must sleep.

I’m coming back home tonight, I think. Losing track of time.

On a different note entirely, before I left, I found a shirt an ex left at my place.

Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s

Location: hotel room
Mood: drained
Music: I’m gone

Looks

 The man in the mirror

The show’s coming out tomorrow so I’ll post again this weekend or today.

Back in the day, my ex hated that mirror so I put it away. As luck would have it, I had just brought it out, dusted it off and put it up when she arrived last Sunday.

I spoke to the girl with eyes like faded jeans today who sent me back my jacket in the crumpled pink box in the picture. I’m disappointed because I thought it might be something but it turned out to be nothing.

We broke up twice before and each time, she felt I moved on too quickly. This time, I waited and made sure this is what she wanted. Yes.

We broke up because of an argument. I learned the hard way that it’s better to have honest disagreements than pretty lies. She wants someone who doesn’t argue with her and I guess that’s possible but I can’t see how real a relationship that could be.

Her past relationships have been rough on her and now I think I know why. Easy is fake; hard is real. Such is life.

I was going to tell her when I reconsidered. She would have just disagreed with me and that’s a losing bet. She’s not my girl anymore.

Me? I met up with a girl who’s leaving town. She loved a brown-eyed man on the other side of the world and I loved a blue-eyed girl on the other side of NYC.

We’re perfect for each other – except that we’re not.

With enough rum, we are and that’s good enough for the time being.

Looking back at all my posts this week, you must think I’m conceited. My friends always catch me staring at myself in mirrors. I’m not staring because I’m vain. I’m staring because I’m always surprised.

Because, in my head, I don’t look like that at all.

In my head, I look like this.

Location: @1AM, doing the Standard in some UWS bar
Mood: sotted
Music: gonna make a change, for once in my life