100th Post

Would it matter if I was?

This is my 100th post.

This weekend, I had the last of my birthday celebrations with my college friends. They like to celebrate in nice places with nice tableware.

Me? Burgers and wings, please. Gio and Hazel brought me out for more of the same the day before. Anything else will spoil me.

I had a weird conversation with a Rain recently:

Him: I gotta ask, are you gay?
Me: First of all, no. Second of all, what?
Him: I had to ask.
Me: Now? You’ve known me for almost ten years! Now? Would it matter if I were?
Him: Stop being a lawyer, and no. It just came up.
Me: It just came up?
Him: It just came up.
Me: Do you even read my blog?
Him: Does anyone?

I’m not – not that there’s anything wrong with it. There is no bigger fan of the female form. Someone overheard that I’ve had relations with two bisexual women, but I guess they didn’t hear that last part.

But I do have to say that I’m not even sure why women like men.

If I was a woman, I would be a raging lesbian.

Raging.

Location: 7:15 AM, in my car, rushing to midtown
Mood: Content
Music: they collide until the blue-eyed girl decides to let me go home

Hello…what?

Don’t want to comment on all the tragedy; there’s enough. So, here’s four happy/stupid:

  1. Instead of a birthday cake, I had a low-fat, low-carb ice cream sandwich. It was great good not so bad.
  2. CindyE sang me Happy Birthday, in-aeternum sent me an amazing gift, in_a_silver_bag sent me a picture of soup, and so many of you guys left me comments – I can’t even tell you how that made my day. Plus people remembered that I didn’t think would and people forgot that I didn’t think would. All good. Finally, katsmw digitaldewi, and frieseurfrau, all mentioned me in their journals. Cool.
  3. At least 15 people left me voicemail per my request.
    • I could use some more (especially male) for the project I’m considering. Could you give me a ring? Don’t leave your name if you don’t wanna.
  4. I appreciate all your kind thoughts but here’s my favorite greeting from the past week or so:

Him: Hey, I wanted to wish you a happy b-day. By the way, I’ve got some good dirt.
Me: Sweet, hit me.
Him: Remember when I told you that I ran into your ex out here?
Me: Vaguely…
Him: We totally hooked up. I mean full-on.
Me: (pause) How is that good again?
Him: I meant for me.
Me: (…)
Him: Why’s everything about you? Oh, there’s my ride, I’m out. Happy Birthday!
Me: (…)

I’ve decided that hope is good.

Thanks for the hope.

Location: on my birthday, in the UWS, swinging sticks around
Mood: happy
Music: built my life around you but time makes you bolder Even children get older

Love as it comes

It’s good to have female friends

Man, I miss Firefly – obviously (C) someone else…

Her: How’ve you been?
Me: Insanely busy, Nadi. I hate it. How’s unemployment?
Her: Good. Weird.
Me: Well, now you can enjoy having a personal life again.
Her: Yeah. Lorelei said that she would introduce me to a nice girl Saturday.
Me: Wait, girl?
Her: Boy, girl, either one is fine with me. Just someone nice, kinda cool, good looking enough so I’m not repulsed. You know?
Me: (pause) I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m a little turned on right now.
Her: …
Me: What? I’m still a dude, this is how we think.
Her: Fine, just don’t put this in your stupid blog.

Location: @9PM yesterday, on 20th and 8th, feeling old
Mood: insanely busy still
Music: What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover

Friends

Your friends bring out different parts of you

Went to see my college friends again last night. We don’t get together as often as, I think, we would like.

Life gets in the way.

Heard once that JRR Tolkien, CS Lewis and a third writer were all close friends and when the third writer died (Charles Williams?), CS Lewis said something along the lines of “When he died, I thought, ‘at least I’ll have more of JRR, but in fact I had less,'” meaning that, when the third friend died, CS Lewis found that the third friend brought out things in Tolkien that CS couldn’t.

In any case, I see my friends individually but when we all get together, it’s a different dynamic. I see things in my friends’ faces and hear voices from over a decade ago.

And it’s good seeing my old friends again.

I haven’t seen me in years.

Location: @3AM, taking the train home
Mood: thoughtful
Music: Good times, bad times, give me some of that

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Cowboys

Aren’t most friendships finite?

I’ve been stuck here for a bit. Don’t ask. But it reminds me of something from a while ago.

One of my closest friends in college was a guy named Crawford who was a god at meeting women – he was (a) good-looking, (b) charming and (c) shameless. We had a blast for two years.

He told me a story once. He said that real cowboys were hired, maybe five to eight at a time, in one state to drive cattle to the other end of the country. This bunch of guys was thrown together for months at a time and, during this time, they were each others’ friends, doctors, entertainers, cooks and guardian angels. They needed to keep each other sane and safe to get the job done.

And once the job was done, they separated. No emails, faxes, phone calls, letters. Just onto the next job.

The question Crawford posed to me was: were they truly friends? Is there such thing as friendship when there’s a finite ending?

What about when two lovers separate – was there any love really there?

My answer to all is yes.

Because at some point everything ends. Life will take everything and everyone you love. There is nothing you can touch that you won’t lose at some point down the line.

Five months, fifty years, the time doesn’t make it any more or less real.

I take solace in that.

At some point, these people I loved, once loved me. It’s sad when relationships end but goodbyes are always sad.

Crawford and I both moved here to the big city. We met up once but then I never saw him again.

He was a good friend.

Location: @ 7:10 AM, taking the east side local
Mood: optimistic
Music: Its such a shame, Always ends the same

Friends and funerals

The average American only has two friends

Went to yet another funeral last week. I’m going to far too many for my age. Or maybe it’s just right. I don’t know.

No joy.

My friend said, afterward, “It makes you think who’ll show up to your, you know, your…thing.”

I wonder who will.

You know, a recent survey says that the average American has only two close friends. I’ve got a few because I know I need them.

I hope you have more than two – life is hard enough as it is.

Plus it would just be sad if no one showed up.

Not that…oh, you know what I mean…

Location: -5 minutes in kitchen, waiting for coffee
Mood: sick
Music: Heads we will, Tails we’ll try again

I gotta talk to you

Made a bad email faux pas

Me: I’ll just get to the point – you’re gonna be REALLY mad in about 30 seconds.
Him: Why? What’d you do now?
Me: Did you see that episode of The Office where Michael accidentally sends an email to the wrong person?
Him: Oh god…
Me: Well, I forwarded those pics you asked for and my accompanying comments to X.
Him: How do you screw that up?!?!? My name is spelled nothing like her’s.
Me: Yeah, I did it though. I’m really sorry.
Him: …
Me: Hello? You’re really mad, right?
Him: What makes you think that? Because, while I’m working like a dog for coin, you’re dismantling my social life brick-by-brick? No, I’m not mad. Listen, you gotta take the train down here right now.
Me: Uh…sure. Why?
Him: Because I need to strangle you. Don’t wear a turtleneck.

Location: the intersection of embarrassment and stupidity
Mood: mortified
Music: I’m no longer moved to drink strong whiskey

Totally worth it

You pay a price for the things you do

Me: Do you remember hitting me on New Years?
Her: I hit you?! Why?
Me: Well, someone, not me, grabbed your butt and you turned to me and you were all pissed. You asked, “Did you grab my butt?” And I said, “No.”
Her: Did you grab my butt?
Me: No.
Her: Then what happened?
Me: Then I grabbed your butt. And you immediately slapped me.
Her: (pause) Was it any good?
Me: (pause) Yes. It was totally worth it.

We then both laughed. My friends are awesome. She thinks I’m in love with her, I think she’s in love with me. We’re both wrong – a good thing.

We’ll be friends for a long time.

Location: @12:25, Glitter and Doom @ 1000 Fifth Avenue
Mood: mellow
Music: Somehow, I lost my way, looking to see something in your eyes

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The Sweetest Thing

The Sweetest Words in the English Language

I humbly submit that the poets are wrong when they say that the sweetest words are, “I love you.”

The way we use it these days (“I love that place;” “I love that show;” etc) cheapens it a lot.

December 2006 has been a horrid month for several friends of mine – some suffered the worst shock one can get, others had lesser shocks that still brought them to their knees. Five days ago, I got a call from a girl I only met once who said that she found out her boyfriend cheated on her. I got the call only because I was close by but I’m ok with that.

Four days ago, I got a call from a very close friend of mine who told me his mother passed away.

The time from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day is usually the best time of year for me. The best time. It’s so sad.

When my breakup happened, I called my brother, my sister and my friend Tommy.

  • My brother lives 1286.44 miles away but he caught the first flight here.
  • My sister is nearer and caught the next train.
  • Johnny, who had just returned from four months in China that morning, arrived at my place first.

I’m surprisingly toungue-tied at times where people’s hearts eat them up from the inside out. I think I’m at my best when I keep it simple and say what my brother, sister and Tommy said in one way or another:

I’m on my way.

Now I submit that those words…those words will make a grown man cry.

Location: @7:20 on Rt. 3, going home – like old times
Mood: sad
Music: Baby’s got blue skies up ahead but in this I’m a rain cloud

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Notes to Self

Tequila is not your friend; rum is your friend

It started going downhill when Mikey bought a round.

  • Post a pic and edit this entry tomorrow.
  • Rum is your friend.
  • Tequila is not your friend.
  • Buy a new hat.
  • Tequila is not your friend.

I feel terrible.

However, I did manage to find my hat. Also made another related post and an unrelated post.

Location: at home, drinking lots of water
Mood: Thirsty
Music: The devil is alive I feel him breathin’

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