It’s been a wild decade

So this guy, his wife, and his son, go to the big city for the first time. They walk into the first big building they see. While the wife goes off to look at something, the man and son stare at an elevator. Never saw one before.

The two watch this old, weary woman make her way into one. They see the elevator doors close, bells and lights go off, and then the doors open and a beautiful woman steps out. The father’s mouth drops open and he turns quickly to his son and goes: Boy, go find you mama, right quick.

Old joke. But made me think that I came inna 2000 one way, came out a whole other. Kinda.

1999 – become a lawyer.
2000 – leave the only job I ever had to change the world. Enter girl.
2001 – sit in a room with a red brick wall and saw buildings come down. Exit girl.
2002 – enter girl.
2003 – start one of several companies.
2004 – buy my pad. Exit room with a red brick wall.
2005 – exit companies.
2006 – take a temp gig that lasts for three years. CashCab. Exit girl. Start blog.
2007 – 72Canal: good. Lose life savings; get in a car accident: bad.
2008 – grandmother passes. Never get to say goodbye. Enter Heartgirl.
2009 – still a lawyer. Move back to a room with a red brick wall. Heartgirl’s come with.


In Orange Sky, Alexi Murdoch says,

Yes, I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother and my sister standing by


I make light of my insomnia – and all of the things that bring it about – a lot.

But if I were truly honest with you, there were times that I thought that I couldn’t bear the thought of another sleepless night. Could not bear it.

And if not my brother and sister, wouldn’tve. Not sleeping for 48 hours’ll make you think of all sortsa crazy. Life’s hard enough without your people.

So I wish for your 2010-2019 that, if you’ve not found your person, you’ve at least found your people. They’re your mirrors and help you find see yourself. And, looking close, you see just how small your problems are in the big schema things.

Dunno what 2010-2019’s gonna be like – probably nuthin like I expect it. But it’s ok, got my people and my person.

See you in the next decade!

Ah, that joke never gets old, yeah?

Location: a room with red-brick walls
Mood: so very grateful
Music: but sister, you know I’m so weary

Don’t really know

What’s the point of it all?

Cloudy day in NYC

Her: What was that sound!?
Me: Was working on something and the live power cable hit the fan.
Her: Logan! You’re going to kill yourself some day. (laughing) And your fly’s open.
Me: (slowly) Yes.

If something did happen to me, someone’d find that I’m 20% peanut butter (by weight, not volume). The remainder being rum.

Did y’have a nice Turkey Day? This year was different. Paul and WM hung up their club shoes to play board games by mine. Very Waltons.

The Professor wasn’t in town but I did see Johnny. With the exception of the Devil, he’s the onea the most dangerous men I know. That says a lot. And he brought his daughter over.

Her: I like you. You’re funny.
Me: I’ll take that as a compliment. Listen, keep your dad from punching me. He scares me.
Her: He scares me too!

This 25 year-old kid named Luis Armando Pena Soltren hijacked this plane from NY to Puerto Rico on 19681124 and went to Cuba where he spent the next 40 years in working as a day labourer.

At some point, he musta thought, What the #$@# did I do with my life?

So he came back an old man and’s sitting at some jail cell knowing that he’s thrown his life away on yet another thing that had the air of truth to it, but no real truth to it.

Him: 10 Million.
Me: Just this year?
Him: Yeah. (pause) Woulda made more if it wasn’t for this economy. Gotta fly back to China in three weeks.
Me: Why dontcha just sell it all? The factories, the buildings, all of it? Y’can spend time with your family, hang out with me. Start up that school y’always say you wanna do.
Him: (shakes head)
Me: Why not? You make more money than the pope but you’re miserable. What’s the pointa all that green if y’don’t get to see your family and I’m the only person in the world y’trust?
Him: Don’t really know.

Nietzxche was right, your convictions’re dangerous things.
The choices remain the same: Change your map; Change your reality; or Keep crying.

Better work out. Next year, doubt I’ll have his daughter there to protect me.

Location: a grey, half-sofa
Mood: cheerful
Music: come with me we’ll travel to infinity
YASYCTAI: Have you considered fencing? (90 mins/2 pts)

Fridays Online

Location: 19:00 yest, cooking pork for the first time in kitch
Mood: inspired
Music: we the stars Steady rockin’ on y’alls boulevards

Picture of a bike in a park on the west side of NYC

Paul stopped by my place the other night. There was a time when I’d spend mosta my time with him chatting about Heartgirl rather than the other way round.

He’s still (kinda) living the life of a singleton – he’s got his front-runner – as’re lotsa my other friends. S’funny, the charm of being single’s the potential to meet someone that makes you not.

This salesman named Alan Stillman was tired of being single so he started a bar to pick up girlies on 63rd Street and 1st Ave back in 1965. Dunno if it worked but kinda shows what people’ll do to not be by their lonesome.

Which kinda makes me wonder why people don’t explore the avenues out there to meet someone appropriate.

Like online dating – dunno why anyone’s got anything against it. The actual meeting of a body makes it just as normal as anything else. Sides, how’s it any more likely you’re gonna meet your better half in some smoky bar?

Said it before, it’s like y’got this aunt named Match or something like that, who says to you, “I know that guy/girl that y’might like.” Plus, how often when you go out and about do you also get a resume of the person in front of your face?

Oh, the name of the joint that that guy Stillman started was TGI Friday’s – he also started Smith & Wollensky’s, the joint that HG brought me on my bday.

Y’probably aren’t gonna meet someone right for you in TGI Friday’s but you get my point.

YASYCTAI: Try cooking something completely new today. (30 mins/1 pt)

Leigh Sakoda

Apologies, I interrupt our usual nuthin for a quick something.

If you’ve been reading this for any amount of time, y’know that real names are verboten. Unless there’s a good reason.

This was Lee – Leigh Sakoda, actually. She wasn’t a close friend, or a dear friend. She was, however, someone that I spoke to every day for two years at my old gig. And never will again. That means something to me.

Wish I dropped her a line like I said I would. That means something to me too.

Since I got no scratch right now to send her way, putting this up for now, to remind me to do it when I do.

In my head, she looked like that pic above, always smiling. The world’s lost a good soul.

Back to the usual nonsense tomorrow.

Nite, Lee.

Location: 2 hours ago, stabbing someone in the throat in the UWS
Mood: still pensive
Music: to everything there is a purpose

Not out to hurt nobody

Location: 18:00 yest, finishing the appetizer in LI
Mood: sympathetic
Music: Hey Abigail, I know your day has been hell

My friend’s having a bad day so I rang her. Wanted to tell her that daylight comes after the dark. Didn’t get the chance. It’s not a platitude, just simple truth. Hopefully she still reads me.


Her:…left of the overpass. There’s usually parking there.
Me: Got it. Oh and it’s a trestle not an overpass cause it’s for a train not car. Just thought y’should know…
Brother: (muttering in passenger seat) It’s troubling that you know that.
My brother came to visit me over the weekend so gave him the keys to my apartment. I’ve three doors and never lock the third one. But for some inexplicable reason, locked it.

So the poor guy was outside in the cold at 5AM for two hours. He called WM who insisted on driving in from across the river, to drop him off at the ‘rents. Took about an hour.

Both said it wasn’t a big deal. They’re just too nice t’get mad at me. S’ok, I’m mad at myself.


Her: Long Island? Why are you taking a class in Long Island?
Me: They have a steak dinner afterward.
Her: You’re going all the way out to Long Island just for that?
Me: Did y’not hear what I said? They have a steak dinner afterward.
Her: But it’s all the way out…
Me: (slowly) Steak…dinner.

: Learn the difference between a dash, an em-dash, an en-dash, & a hyphen – note that y’may be a huge nerd. (60 mins/1 pt)

More Cowboys

Me on a toy


Me: Hey, step outside with me for a sec.
Him: Sure. What’s up?
Me: Just wanted to say thanks. When I was going through my breakup, thoughta what you told me about your divorce. How you came back one day to find an empty house. Was nice knowing that you survived the blow.
Him: (grinning) Glad I could help.
Me: Y’know, actually hoped it was you she was seeing behind my back. (laughing) Least you’re a decent fella, a successful lawyer and not half-bad looking.
Him: (laughing) Com’on, I think our ladies’re waiting.

Now, where were we?

A while back, wrote about cowboys. Seems every seven years, you lose more than half of your friends. The person you think of as your best friend only has a 30% chance of staying in that role.

One guy that made the cut was my buddy Steel; he got hitched in Central Park this past weekend. Appetizers included whole lobsters. That was the appetizer. Need to get invited to more weddings like that.

Steel’s like all of my good friends. Never really see them; we don’t interact much. But he knows that I’m onea the few people in the world he can always count on and vice versa. We’re different races but the same people.

That’s one of the main things about the Jaycee Dugard case makes me ill. Cause in addition to all of the sick things she had to go through – and they were seriously sick – she didn’t have her people. She didn’t have a family or friends. Real ones, I mean. What a terribly lonely way to go through life. Couldn’t sleep causa it.

Yet another reason, think I’m blessed – our dumb luck.

Speaking of blessed, thanks for the concern but said I was coming back, didn’t I?

If you read me, gotta think that there’s a good chance you’re onea my people too, yeah? Let’s face it, this is hardly an interesting blog and I’m not a scantily clad chick. But I suppose you read cause something I say makes sense to you.

Ergo, we gotta stick together.

Clumsy, geeky, optimistic dreamers’re rarer than y’might think in this world.

Lobster in Central Park!
Steel getting married

Location: 16:00 yest, my kitchen floor, scrubbing
Mood: concerned
Music: Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song

Gone Fisher King (but coming back)

If only we could just pay the bill and go home

A red door from the East Village


You ever kinda just space out while walking or driving and just magically end up on your doorstep? Hold that thought.

There’s this great line from The Fisher King where the lead, who’s destroyed a buncha people’s lives, wails out, “If there were some way I could just pay the fine and go home.”

It’s never that easy. Did you ever complete that sentence, The purpose of life is?

My answer I actually told you once a while ago, except, I didn’t tell you. It was my dating philosophy: Leave people better off having met you. Note that I never said “women.”

Did it to try and help the world out; turns out it helped me out.

Thought I’d take this time to tell you some things, because I still get the occasional email asking.

  • The PCD is doing very well; we chat every so often. She’s one of my people, even though we never see each other. She’s also Beatrix from an old entry and you can read up on her love life here.
  • And the HEI is doing well too; she’s packed up and gone to see about a boy and a life out west. She drops me a line here and there.
  • Caligirl got married and that’s a story in itself.
  • Elle’s finding her way through the big city and finding herself along the way.
  • The Italian Lawyer, GES, the writer, human resources girl, and others I run into from time-to-time.
  • It was the SX’s birthday recently but she’s MIA. She, like most of them’ve left my Venn Diagram. Suppose that’s probably for the best.

Finally, there’s Heartgirl. She’s asked that I not write about her so I don’t but I think it’d be amiss if I didn’t. Because I’ve set her apart.

Spent the last hour trying to figure out how to tell you about her. I’ve decided that she’s my receipt.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still hustling for scratch, several items on my body are broken and/or bruised. Lots of fail.

But I think she’s my cashed check from Life saying, OK, you did some horrible, _____ things in your life. And I still promise you nuthin but pain. But all of that stuff you did? For that, we’re square. You’ve paid your fine…and you can go home.

It’s been almost exactly three years – August 17, 2006 – since I left who I was to figure out who I wanted to be; three years since my feet were pointed home.

Tonight, while talking to her, looked up to realize that I was almost there.

Was thinking that this was gonna be my last entry. Was gonna put down: Gone Fish’n and be off.

But this blog helped me find my way. So even if there’s only one person that still reads me, wanna say “Thanks” for taking the time. (Mom, if it’s you, “rum” is what kids call “apple juice”).

Gonna take next week off while I try and figure out a few things and spend some time with Heartgirl. But I’ll be back Sept 1st round midnight, like always.

See you then, yeah?

DC Fat Darrell

Location: 12:00, getting pinned on 27th
Mood: hot
Music: let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France

Skip the first 30 seconds.

Weird thing was that I wrote a short story about a decade ago about a fairy godmother that I swear I told him about. But his version and mine’re vastly different.

Lemme know whatcha think.

Subway metro in Washington DC

Got a call at 1AM the other night from the girlie that I chatted to on a Gramercy stoop. She said I was one of the only people she trusted not to screw her over. Took that to heart and stayed awake to talk to her.

Her: So what do I do about him?
Me: Look, we all got this map of the world in our heads. And emotional pain happens when your reality doesn’t match your map. It’s like if you expect Broadway to be somewhere cause the map says so, but it’s not. So you’re thinking, WTH?
Her: So what do I do?
Me: (sighing) Y’only got three choices: change your map, change your reality or keep crying.
Downtown skyline

Question: What’s the only mammal that can’t jump?

Went to a house party on a roof the other night. Something about the NYC skyline y’can’t get elsewhere. But went to DC afterward anyway.

DC was nice. Hot. Very hot. Spent mosta the time in the museums: Natural History and American History. Place was packed; kinda gives y’hope about the future if the museums’re packed, yeah?

Managed to score a suite at the GWU Inn; had a view of Watergate. Ugly as sin.

The room was a suite cause it had a stove and fridge, meaning that we loaded up at the Trader’s Joe around the way. Then, on the way back, stopped off at Rutgers to get a Fat Darrell.

View from room to Watergate

Felt like a tubster so wrestled today. If one’s 36 with a broken middle finger, injured neck, and tennis elbow, you’d think one’d not wrestle with 20-year olds at 99% humidity.

Then again, making good choices isn’t my thing.

Anywho, a client finally called me today. Heading upstate tomorrow to try to make some scratch.

Oh, and…elephant.

Rutgers Fat Darrell

YASYCTAI: Have you ever had a Fat Darrell? Jog 15 miles, then head to Rutgers. Your mouth’ll thank me. Your heart won’t. (15 delicious minutes /-1 pt)

Worth the Trouble

Location: 4 hours ago, looking for a White Castle on 6th
Mood: sotted
Music: all I ever knew, only you

: Where’re you?
Me: I’m with a buddy looking for a White Castle.
Him: So, are you “Harold” or “Kumar?”
Me: Clearly, I’m Harold.

Went to my buddy Kung‘s birthday party; this year, made it home before the sun set versus last year when I made it home as the sun rose. Getting old. Sheridan floated me into another high society open bar joint with a BBQ on a rooftop but I couldn’t get in touch with him. Just as well. Instead, caught up with a friend that was recently given his walking papers.

Me: Y’should go try starting over somewhere else. There’s nothing keeping y’here.
Him: My friends’re here.
Me: Your friends’ll still be your friends – I mean not me, but your real friends. I’ll forget about you before you leave. Besides, then you can meet someone that not a total idiot like you last girlfriend.
Him: She wasn’t stupid. She was…average.
Me: Calling her a “moron” would be an insult to all the real morons out there.
Him: (laughing) That’s not fair, we’ve above average intelligence. You can’t hold people to a higher standard.
Me: Please – someone stole my life’s savings, how smart could I be?
Him: You’re at least as smart as me.
Me: (laughing) That’s really not saying much.
Him: Anyway, she did good in her last class.
Me: WELL – “she did well in her last class.”
Him: (mock annoyance) I’m a physicist, “well/good,” it’s all the same to us. And yeah, maybe she wasn’t really all that smart or even that attractive. (sighing) But…I still loved her. It’s stupid, I know but…
Me: Yeah…I know. I know.

For better or worse, y’got no control who you fall in love with. If you’re lucky, it’s with someone who’s worth the trouble.

Speaking of worth the trouble, going to DC for a mental health break with a pretty lady this weekend.

YASYCTAI: It’s time for a mental health break, no? (72 hours/2 pts)

My three islands

59th Street Bridge from the tram


Interviewer: Rampage, where do you see yourself in 2 years?,
Rampage: Well, right now I’m 23, so in two years, I see myself, 25.

Bryson met up with me to take some pics for him on the tram. Was cloudy and overcast but I took them anyway. Was born on the island east of this bridge. Live on the island west of it. Yet, I’ve never taken the tram to the island between them until today.

Afterward, we had lunch at Johnny Rockets. Never been there either. Thought of my grandma; cause you always think there’ll be time enough to do things. Then one day, you find you’ve done run outta time.

He’s having a kid. His wife, a doctor, agreed to let him teach her how to roll. Should mention that’s he one of the best architects in his field and part of the teams in charge of giving the tram a facelift.

Me: Look at us, we’re two old, ivy-league educated, white-collar guys. I know why I do it, why do you do it?
Him: It’s just like running or something. It’s not about beating the other guy, it’s about beating yourself. (Fighting in the ring’s) different than brawling; to paraphrase Rampage Jackson, if you get into a fight with someone in a club, eventually, someone’s gonna have their feelings hurt.

Those three lives I told y’about. We all got them. Realized 90 minutes ago, that I’ve spent 90% of my life on these two islands, doing two very different things, living two very different lives.


Before his rematch against Chuck Liddell:

Interviewer: Chuck said in his pre-fight interview it’s gonna be a first round knockout. What do you have to say about that?

Rampage: If he plans on getting knocked out in the first round that’s his business.

Location: 14:00 yest, taking these pics
Mood: geeky
Music: Slow down, you move too fast
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