Time after time

 

Met another young lady tonight.

Asked her what we the most difficult part about dating in the big city.

Her: I’d have to say the disappointment. I keep hoping this time’ll be different…
Me: Huh. (pause) Funny you say that…

Huh.

See you Tuesday guys, be safe.

Location: 12AM Columbus, having this conversation
Mood: thoughtful
Music: circles. Confusion. Is nothing new?
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Never gonna fall for

Saw a concert with Camera Obscura and The Last Town Chorus

 

The Last Town Chorus playing Modern Love at the South Street Seaport

Hopping on a 6AM train bound for Baltimore tomorrow. Exam.

Not ready but when are we ever for these tests we take in life?

Did go to that concert Friday at the seaport to see Camera Obscura. Opening act was The Last Town Chorus – that’s a pic of the lead singer, sorry so blurry, I was hella far away. They sang a cover of Bowie’s Modern Love.

Camera Obscura at the South Street Seaport

Told the Grey-Eyed Girl I went with that I got dropped off by my party bus rental at the seaport and spent my prom night there. She got a kick outta that. Been in this @#$! town too long.

Speaking of towns, looks like she and I are heading for Friendsville – weird, it’s usually me driving there. Well, it happens.

Been on 20 dates with 14 girlies in 60 days. Plus I met two separate women on the way to the concert. Not sure I’m cut out for this modern love – I’ve essentially turbo-charged my disappointments and disappointing. Perhaps I’m just all charm and no substance.

Startin’ to think dating’s just an excuse for me to blow coin I ain’t got, time I don’t have and hope I can’t spare.

Actually, hope? That I got.

Cause I keep thinking, this time’ll be different.

This time…

Location: on the telephone, dealing
Mood: indescribable
Music: Its just the power to charm
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Fallen Summer

I got my pad, my people and my poison. Someday, maybe my person too.

You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light.

My friend Jaerik made an interesting observation on my blog that I don’t think I’ve ever noticed myself.

He said that I rarely do angry blog entries. Never thought of that.

I think people do angry on the internet because it’s easy and makes for pseudo-intellect. Sure there’s lots to be pissed about; life is inherently unfair.

But man, that’s the quickest way to a bitter, solitary life.

This blog is mostly about my love life because, well, I got nuthin else to complain about.

Not really.

I got my pad. I got my people. I got my poison. I just picked up a new whip to replace my old ride. Another 300 payments and it’s all mine.

Figure someday I’ll get the girl too. Someday.

For now, I’ll take the fall weather we’re having in summer here in NYC.

Speaking of which, I met this girl at Bryant Park tonight…

Location: in front of a pile of books again
Mood: content
Music: God gave me everything

Anniversary / Year in Review

 

 

Him: You ok?
Me: Just thinking ’bout last summer.
Him: What about?
Me: (laughing) I feel free again.
Him: (disgusted) Don’t get all emo on me, dude.

It’s been exactly a year since I’ve started blogging. Had a different blog for a few weeks before I turned to this one.

Started it all because I was bleeding so much electronic ink anyway back then. Somehow, it’s morphed into what you see now.

Been in a good mood lately because I’ve had some time to reflect on the year. I wonder what my life would have been like if the ex and I stayed together – I think we’d have bits of happy with shades of miserable.

If we stayed together, though:

  • I never would have met Somena or L, (both of whom I met in bars – weird). I also wouldn’t be so chatty with KGBetty, Hazel or Nadi. With them plus new girls like Burn, I’ve got an awesome set of female friends.
  • I probably wouldn’t see the Zu Boys, Giovanni, Bryson, Hipstomp, Captredstar, Sheridan, Paul or any of the other guys nearly as much.
  • I wouldn’t have dated all the people I’ve dated – dunno if that’s good or bad. I’d probably have more scratch but less interesting stories.
  • I would never have dated the girl with blue jean eyes, which, for all it’s ridiculous drama, I still think of fondly. I should tell you that after we broke up, I got hooked on mac’n cheese cause of her.
  • I wouldn’t have gotten into photography.
  • There’d be no 72nd to Canal.
  • I wouldn’t know the joy that is aged dark rum on the rocks with a slice of orange.
  • I would have died having only kissed 10 women in my life – huh…
  • Probably still be driving my ride.
  • Harold’d still be a salad buffet.

Mostly though, I wouldn’t have this blog. You wouldn’t be reading me; I wouldn’t be writing this.

There’d be no you and me.

Funny thing is: I intended to only write this for a year, at most. Figured I’d run outta things to say to the three people that read me if I posted, say, every two days or so.

Now, I look forward to these daily conversations with you. Like I said, 8.2 million people but few connections.

Check it out: just for now, we’ve traveled through time (I wrote this before you read it) and space (I’m here, you’re there) and we’re connected. Writing is more than just words strung together – writing is telepathy.

You may think I’m vain, a womanizer, a hypocrite, awesome, humble, self-involved, brilliant, stupid, what-have-you,

The very last thing said at the end of this 80s flick called Heaven Help Us is by Ed Rooney. After everything, he’s a shampoo boy at a Bensonhurst hair salon, where the hours suck, the pay sucks, and I’m surrounded by ‘funny guys’, but the tips are great! Thank you, God!

It’s sucked a lot from there to here but I don’t think it could have played out any differently, or better, really.

One last movie quote. In You’ve Got Mail, Kathleen writes to Joe:

The odd thing about this form of communication is that you’re more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.

I’m not on the other side yet, but I think I’m on my way.

Without getting too emo, thank you, very much, for reading me.

I’ll keep writing…

Thank you, God.
Location: here, telling you something important to me
Mood: grateful
Music: I’ll be back in the high life again
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We all have our own Black Swans

A Black Swan is an unforeseen event that makes a huge impact

 

A Black Swan is an unforeseen event that makes a huge historical impact. The assassination of Franz Ferdinand, 9/11, and the rise of dot coms are considered Black Swans.

But we all have our own personal Black Swans, yeah? Those events that changed everything about our lives completely unexpectedly?

The ex moved out a year ago this week.

I recorded the above video for my brother after I got back from Baltimore and saw that she, and all her stuff, was gone (nothing risqué; trust me, totally SFW).

I used the spatula to make myself a peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwich. I sat in my empty living room and thought, Well, this is gonna suck. And it did. Really bad.

But it doesn’t anymore. When I do think of a girl, she’s not the one I think of. I never would have believed it.

Time and tide changes everything.

Note to self: If you ever live with a chick again, do not throw out your utensils just because hers matches.

Life is good.

Location: -20 mins, on Broadway, picking grapefruit
Mood: grateful
Music: My heart was broke, my head was sore, what a feeling
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Still thinking of the other side

If we fail, let’s fail greatly

Saw my friend Skinny tonight. He’s on his way to Japan to a new life.

I’m secretly a little jealous, but happy for him too.

Teddy Roosevelt once said that of the person who tries something bold and new:

at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

I’m always impressed by who just pick up and go. Thought so many times about moving here or here. But I never did.

Don’t know why I don’t just get to the other side.

Someday.

Until then, Skinny, if you meet a nice (non-pescatarian) Japanese girl, send her my way?

I’ll be here. I’m ever here.

Location: 10PM, yest., with friends
Mood: sotted
Music: What does this city have to offer me
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Selene in the bright blue sky

There’s nothing like New York lights in the indigo

Regarding yesterday’s post, click here. Got a haircut.

I’m meeting so many new people these days. Weird. Must be the season. Or my cologne. Or the fact that I’m easy.

Kidding.

I don’t wear cologne. Much.

I like walking at night because it’s quiet and the New York lights in the indigo…well, you just can’t get that anywhere else. But I can’t tonight because of the rain. So I’m here with you.

Love the blue sky too, it’s just that I’m usually up at night. But in truth, the blue sky gets me every time, especially in the fall.

Sometimes I’ll just stop whatever I’m doing to go outside and look up. You gotta, from time-to-time. Cause really, is anything so important that you can’t spare five minutes to look up?

Once in a while, I’ll see the moon in the bright blue sky.

And I think, it’s gonna be a good day.

Today – grey, miserable, and wet.

Tomorrow?

I’ll let you know, yeah?

Location: under a raincloud in Queens
Mood: soggy
Music: She is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes

Always Dreaming

I dream a lot, but I’m not a very good sleeper

 

But I don’t want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can’t help that, said the Cat, we’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad.
How do you know I’m mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.

Sometimes I have nice dreams.

Unfortunately, it’s rare because of my insomnia – and when I’m awake, I feel like I’m sleepwalking. But I daydream a lot.

And sometimes, my daydreams are just as real and just as nice when I’m up as when I sleep. I spend a lot of time in my head, you see.

An ex once told me that when she and I lived in the same neighborhood, she used to walk to my building, sit on my stoop, and whisper, Come out, come out…let’s have some fun.

The times I did randomly come out, she thought she had magic.

In my head, she doesn’t hate me, and I don’t hate myself, for how I treated her.

And, in my head, my other ex is wrong and my insides do match my outsides.

But you can never change what another person does or thinks. Only yourself. I know that.

Still, being ambulatory for 18 hours a day means that I spend a lot of time there. In my head, I mean.

I know, I know – what if I get stuck there? I suppose large polite men in clean white coats will take me away. Funny, sometimes I think I’m just one more sleepless night away from that. I’ve been up for…I don’t know how long now…

Hey, you’d visit me, yeah?

Shake your head with that, “Oh, so sad, he had so much promise,” look on your face before you shuffle off?

But sometimes I wonder, which way is worse.

Because, you see, in my head, I’m quite happy.

Michel Gondry said, I dream a lot, but I’m not a very good sleeper.

I love that. The knowing that it’s not just me.

Come out, come out…let’s have some fun…

Location: physically, an ugly hotel bed in 14202, mentally…
Mood: awake
Music: one more, you’re nuts

My biggest fan

What is your definition of love?

 

Meant to post this a while ago but I thought it was too long. It’s my definition:

When I was 15, my best friend, Kevin, told me that my girl Diana cheated on me. We never spoke, I just shut her out. Stupid kid stuff.

Maybe a decade later, I drove by her home and, for some reason, I rang her doorbell. I expected her to slap me when she answered the door; instead, she let me in, gave me a smile and an apron. She had this huge bar of chocolate that she told me to chop for cookies.

So I went in and started chopping.

After a bit, I asked her, half-jokingly, what happened between us.

She stopped and answered:

You listened to Kevin but we both know that he was the first guy to ask me out after we broke up. So that makes you an idiot. I never cheated on you, you know that. I was your biggest fan. That makes me an idiot. You never stood up for me and I didn’t understand why, because I was kind to you. I was on your side but you weren’t on mine.


Why weren’t you?

I had no answer. Almost twenty years after the fact, I still have no answer. I don’t remember anything else but I remember what she said.

That conversation started me off in being who I am now. In fact, I learned the phrases biggest fan and on your side that day.

It’s why I’m always loyal.

You see, she doesn’t know, but I still wonder if No. 7 ever found that job under the California sun; I wanna call her office someday and hear that message that says she’s left the company she hates.

And I still wonder if Diana bought that ranch in Colorado that she dreamt of and has kids to help her make cookies. I wouldn’t know, though.

I never saw her again.

But I hope she got it all.

As for me, I’m waiting for someone to be on my side again.

Location: home
Mood: pensive
Music: But until then I’ll do just fine on my own

Still Running

Humans survived because we ran

With nods to 0utre who cheered me up yesterday while I was hanging out in Stressville.

Been working out like mad but gaining weight!

The late night eating and drinking. I was out and about again tonight only briefly because I’m sick.

Just as well, I gotta cut all that out.

My roomie (ah, betcha didn’t know I had one) said Harvard has this new theory why humans are on top of the food chain:

Humans survived, not because they are smarter than other animals, but because we can run longer than any animal. No animal, not even horses or dogs, can run the distances a man can run when put to task.

Marathon Marathons.

We hunted until the animals just gave up.

We survived because we ran. It is in our nature.

Until I’m breathless and weak, I’m running. Towards what?

No idea.

But, dammit, I’m running.

Location: -30, stumbling home
Mood: stressed
Music: She is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes
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