I’m kind of a late…

What’s so funny?

Been catching up with lotsa people from various walks of life, including RE Mike.

Before I knew it, I’m on a subway heading downtown…

… and on some billionheiress’s  private guest list (for serious).

Me: Hi, I’m Logan. I’m kind of a late addi…
Greeter: Logan Lo?
Me: Uh, yeah!
Her: (laughing) I just added you. You don’t need to wait in line. 66th Floor. (puts a red ribbon around my wrist) Have fun.

RE Mike was, and will always be, amazing.

Anywho, the party was pretty nuts. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.

Mainly cause I got pics…

Me: Hi, I need a photographer for the evening. You game?
Girl1: (laughing) Sure!

Fella1: What I really need is a copyright lawyer.
Me: Oh man, are you in luck…

Me: Well, now that’s something you don’t see every day.

Girl3: Wait, you’re leaving?! So early?
Me: Yeah. I gotta see about a girl. Nice meeting you.

Me: (walking in late) Hey. (laughs)
Her: (laughs) What’s so funny?
Me: You tell me.
Her: (later) I kept hoping it was you.

Location: the 66th floor in the pics above
Mood: ready to suffer and ready to hope
Music: I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind

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Just money, just allergies

Losing, Winning, Living

Him: Maybe she’ll come for dinner?
Me: No. She’s still on her adventure.
Him: What’s an adventure?
Me: It’s…it’s an exciting trip. (hesitating) Is…is that ok? If it’s just papa?
Him: (nodding) I want ham.
Me (relieved) You got it, man.
Him: I’m not a man, I’m a boy!
Me: Yes. (laughing) You’re my boy.

If only all these things were this easy to solve.

He’s graduating from pre3K this week. Like everything that should be a good memory, this one is bittersweet. It seems like we just started school.

I couldn’t sleep the other night because I knew that most of the other kids would have both parents there and he would look out and just see me.

Was going to call up the ABFF, or my sister, or even one of his sitters to come but, thankfully, Alison’s mom can make it. It’s a small thing but I slept like a log the day she told me she’d make it.

The thought of him just seeing me in the audience bummed me out no end.

Mother-in-law: Can I stay over the night before?
Me: God, no….joking! You’re always welcome here.

Should mention that I’m 100% confident that if I called Mouse and told her it was his graduation, she would come. Full stop. Cause she would do anything for him. But everything’s complicated enough as it is.

In any case, there’s so much guilt involved in parenting. Suppose it’s like a poor parent that looks at wealthier parents and feeling a niggling bit of jealousy and longing.

Except it’s not money. If only it were just money.

My dad once said to me that, if a problem can be solved by money, it’s not that big a problem. But when you have problems that can’t be solved by money, it’s a real problem.

But the boy doesn’t seem to notice, which is a small blessing, I suppose.

Another parent: Hi. I’ve been meaning to tell you that your son must be the happiest boy I’ve ever seen.
Me: Gotta say, that means more to me than you might imagine.
Her: Oh…well, it’s true. You and your wife are doing something right. (pause) Are you…
Me: Sorry, just…allergies. (clearing throat) Thanks. That means a lot.

I’ve got a lot going on but I’m trying to sort through it all so it’ll make sense to you. Cause not a lotta it makes sense to me.

And it’s Father’s Day in a week.

Me: Oh, I’ll make you a croque monsieur!
Him: No! Ham!
Me: But a croque monsieur is…you know what? Nevermind. Let’s get you some ham, ok? We’ll go to the market together. (gets keys)
Him: OK! (sings)

Location: home
Mood: allergies. Lotsa allergies
Music: gimme some, gimme some, gimme some sign. I think that we’re supposed to be

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I like that you’re broken

Broken like me

I’ve had a surreal week/month.

The Gymgirl/Mouse came by on Friday to keep me company. Friday was the 24th of May.

She made it clear it was just a one-off. But I was happy to see her, regardless.

Her: Headed to you now.
Me: Great, see you soon.

I’d originally earmarked the day to go to Bethesda Fountain by myself but she was gracious enough to keep me company.

We sat by the water and marveled at turtles and fish going by as we ate. And drank. A lot.

After drinks and a full meal at the Loeb Boathouse, she said:

Her: I’m still hungry. (thinking) Since we both broke our diets, we should go to Chinatown and get dumplings.
Me: I’m down.

So off we went.

Before you knew it, we had a table fulla complex carbohydrates after eating just minutes earlier.

Gotta say, I wasn’t going to spend Friday with anyone but I always set her apart. It ended up being a really nice day, all things considered.

I was hoping to see her again before the weekend ended but she’s been non-responsive.

Then again, she wrote something once where she said that she speaks through silence. I’m trying to figure out if she’s trying to say something or if she’s just saying, I don’t wanna talk to you.

Generally default to the latter but everything’s weird these days.

Anywho, it’s late and I just took apart my washing machine (I’ll explain some other time) so I’ve gotta take care of that and crash.

I’ll tell you more about the weekend tomorrow.

Or the day after that…

Oh, the boy’s been at Alison’s parents home but he’s coming home by the time you read this.

I’m super excited. I skyped with him earlier.

Me: Hey there! I’ve missed…
Him: (loudly) ♪♫♬ I like that you’re broken..♪♫♬
Me: ?
Him: (continues to sing loudly)… ♪♫♬ broken like me, maybe… ♪♫♬
Me: (laughs) Well, the song choice is not inappropriate…

 

Location: home, in front of a disassembled washing machine and broken locks
Mood: accepting
Music: I could be lonely with you

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Conversations in May

Hugging porcupines

Been having a lotta interactions lately. Probably because it’s May. Some have been funny…

Him: I wanted to make sure you were still alive.
Me: It’s still early in the month.

…some just amusing…

Me: (holding out hand) My name’s Logan.
Her: (taking it) Malaga.
Me: Like the city in Spain? You know, I gave a lecture there years ago.
Her: Really?
Me: I know, I’m as surprised as you are.
Her: (laughs)

…some less so:

PT: I think about her a lot.
Me: Well, that makes two of us.

Alison’s really amazing physical therapist came by for the first time in almost over two years. She used to come here two-to-three days a week to try and help Alison – and refused to take any money for it.

We caught up and she saw the boy again for the first time in ages; he wasn’t speaking and had just started crawling the last time she saw him.

Her: He’s adorable! (later) I’m so glad we did this.
Me: Me too. I would have written you sooner but…(trails off)
Her: (gently) I know.
Me: I’d like to see you again, if I could. When you’re free.
Her: (nodding) I’d like that.

Actually, I communicated with a number of people that I’ve not spoken to in a while.

Her: How are you?
Me: (slight laugh) Probably exactly as you’d imagine.
Her: (later) I wanted to mention that my ex and I moved in together.
Me: That’s great. I always just wanted you to be happy.
Her: (pause) Why didn’t you ever let me meet him? Your son…
Me: (sighing) Alison told me once that, when you have a kid, and you see someone love that kid, you can’t help but fall in love with them. We were both in a weird…
Her: (interrupting) But the Gymgirl met him.
Me: Yes. She did. I set her apart.
Her: Before or after she met him? And did she set you apart?

Speaking of the Gymgirl, the boy asked about her every single day up until a few days ago. I’m not sure which of the two bothered me more.

And a dear friend took my breath away…

Her: The toughest thing for me is that the joy of my daughter’s birth is shadowed by my brother’s death. Every year she celebrates is a reminder that he’s gone for that long too. My mom took down almost every picture of him. It’s just too painful to see them right now.
Me: Yes. Someone, who lost his wife also told me that memories are like trying to hug a porcupine; you want to but it hurts too much to do it.

…while another friend took my breath away for different yet similar reasons.

Me: I was hoping I could avoid your fate. But Oedipus, and the Moirai, and alla that ____.
Her: You’re the only man I know that can bring up obscure Greek mythology and expletives in the same breath.
Me: I’m special like that. (later) I think about what you said alla time.
Her: But that’s me, Logan. You’re not me. (thinking) You should come visit.
Me: Maybe. I’m not the same person you knew. I’m not sure I can be or want to be.
Her: None of us are the same people we were. Everyone grows and changes, for better or worse.
Me: (laughing) That’s where you’re wrong. New York is fulla people who never grow up or change.
Her: (laughs) And that’s why I had to leave.

Finally, my old boss from decades ago contacted me too. Someone called him about his mom, who died, and he felt compelled to contact me.

Him: It was great to talk to her, but it was tough to get off the phone and be in tears. I thought you’d understand better than most.
Me: I actually signed off FB messenger because I was getting so many messages from people that meant well but didn’t really get it. Death is something no one truly understands until they experience it firsthand.

It’s funny. I wanna be alone alla time but I value these interactions – and rando bits of kindness – more than you might imagine.

Location: at the bottom of a bottle of rum
Mood: thoughtful
Music: missed you more than I thought I would

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Speaking toddler

Can you hear me?


We’ve all been sick so I put on Singing in the Rain for the Gymgirl and the kid.

Him: (after opening credits) It’s over…
Me: It just started!

On that note, the Gymgirl and I have been having a competition of sorts as to who understands toddler more.

Him: (unintelligible)
Me: What?
Her: He said he was done and wanted to watch television.
Me: How on earth did you get that?
Her: (shrugs) You’re old. He and I are closer in age. We speak the same language.

Actually, the boy speaks with some interesting turns of phrases:

When the boy was in his room: I’m here if you need me.
When I gave the boy a time out: Let’s talk about this.
When heading to school: Are we running late?

Again, he’s three years old.

Suppose he’s parroting myself, the Gymgirl, or some other adult. Still, it really floors me because there was a time I was worried he wouldn’t speak at all.

Although he did leave me speechless the other day.

Him: (gets a stool and climbs to the top) Mom! Mom! Mommy! Can you hear me?
Me: Wha…what are you doing, kiddo?
Him: I wanted to see what happens.
Me: Oh. OK. (pause) I’m sorry, kid.
Him: (laughing) Why are you sorry?
Me: No reason. I just am. (smiling) Cm’on. I gotta start dinner. Keep me company.

It’s April.

Me: I hate April and May.
The Gymgirl: May, I understand. But why April?
Me: It’s stupid but it’s because I know May is coming right up. Our birthdays were just about a month apart. I dread my birthday because I know we’re that much closer to May.
Her: (nods, puts her hand on my shoulder)

Location: 2:30PM today, Central Park with the boy
Mood: anxious
Music: used to talk with honest conviction
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