No place to go

Loss and threat of loss

ABFF: I read about the breakup and your insomnia, are you ok?
Me: Strictly, speaking, I haven’t been ok since November 8, 2015. But I’ll survive. After all, that’s what I do, right?

Wrote once that anxiety is fear of the hypothetical. But if you look at it from the fear side of the equation, there are really only two types of anxiety:

  1. Fear of loss
  2. Fear of the threat of loss

I’ve dealt with the horrible realization of some of the worst fears any human being can imagine. Repeatedly. And whenever I thought no horror could top what I was experiencing, life was like: Not done with you yet, man.

On a smaller scale, some fears regarding the Gymgirl were realized recently. As I said, everyone’s grief is grief to them, even when they’ve dealt with the worst-of-the-worst for so long.

After all, I adored the girl.

This blogger named Jamie Anderson wrote:

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

The start of my insomnia was actually because the father of one of my oldest and dearest friends just passed away, in a similarly horrifying and grotesque way. I actually fell to my knees when I heard. Literally, my knees buckled. Because I knew everything he was feeling and felt it with him.

What happened with the Gymgirl happened the very next day and just added fuel to the fire.

Agony plus grief is, well, just a lotta f__king grief.

I sent my buddy the quote above in the hopes that understanding grief would make it a little more bearable. It did for me. Kindasortamaybe.

The plus side of this type of grief is clarity, i.e., the disappearance of anxiety. My buddy, I hope, has some peace cause the hypothetical becomes concrete.

Although, I’m sure he, like I, wish it were all concrete in the opposite direction. Then again, I wish for a lotta things. Like I wish I sold my bitcoin back at 20K.

For me, I now know all this information that I never knew before about my relationship with the Gymgirl. She knew, I didn’t, rather.

If nothing else, this new info allows me to see things in a different light, and that’s somehow better. Somehow.

Her: I’m sorry, Logan. You don’t have time for this.
Me: (dismissively) Don’t worry about me, I’ve been through this, so many times, before. Sometimes you’re the dumper, sometimes you’re the dumpee. I’ve always said that I prefer being the dumpee if given the choice.
Her: Why?
Me: (shrugging) Cause there’s nothing for me to do but take my ball and go home. Now she and I both know what’s in the other person’s head. It’s too bad we weren’t listening to each other this whole time.

Him: [The Gymgirl] sounded great. Can’t you two work it out?
Me: (rolling eyes) How do I do that? Make a 15-slide powerpoint presentation that starts: Reason 1 that the kid and I should be enough…? That’s not how it works. She’s an adult, I gotta respect the choices she makes. But there is an upshot to alla this.
Him: What’s that?
Me: (thinking) I now know that I can feel something for someone again that’s not Alison. That’s eye-opening. Was always worried that it would just be a parade of randos that I’d have to somehow explain to the boy.
Him: (amused) So, no parade of randos?
Me: Well, I didn’t say that. The boy has his own room, I could always…
Him: (laughing, interrupting) I’ve seen your powerpoint presentations. You should consider that first, Logan.

Gradgirl once told me: I could never love someone that wasn’t in love with me.

That was good advice.

I joke about the parade of randos but some people leave a deeper mark on my life than I care to admit.

Location: on a white couch with the boy
Mood: okay
Music: we are fools. Throw our lives away, for one happy day
Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

Conversations with Rose, Pt2

What am I, a child?

Rose and I talked for a lot longer than either of us expected we would.

Mentioned that I was still online friends with about a quarter of the women I (very) casually dated but not with anyone I dated seriously in my life.

Me: I got a lotta randos on my f-list, which is fine, because I’m a rando to them. Could probably cut out 90% of those and not blink. Told Alison I’d do it for her but she told me she didn’t care. She knew that I didn’t f___ with marriage
Her: Oh, no. I’m not friends with any of them at all. And I’d kill my husband if I found out he was talking to or seeing an ex.
Me: Does it really matter? Fiat and prohibition? You can’t stop people from doing what they wanna do. Even when you stop them from doing it, in their heart, they still wanna do it. You just end up making them wanna do it more. If someone thinks someone or something else is a better offer, you can’t do much but let them go find out.

As for her, she ended up marrying her fella from the UK not that long ago.

Her: I think we had quail.
Me: God, you’re so British.

I couldn’t go to the wedding cause it was in the UK and: Cancer, kid, life, death, drinking. You pick.

Her: I actually met him when I was Gymgirl’s age. We broke up for…three years? Because of a buncha things. It was Bobby that convinced me to try again.
Me: (curious) Why’d you try again?
Her: He was trying to get back with me. (laughs) He was 31 when he came back. I told him to put a ring on it or go away.
Me: Evidently, that worked.
Her: Evidently. (glancing down at phone) Oh, that’s him…

It was late when we started finishing up.

Me: I gotta kick you out.
Her: Fiiiine. I’m gonna chug this. (drinks more of my rum) You’re not really going back in the dating world are you?
Me: Not unless you can get me a trust fund baby. (grinning) Don’t think I’ve been single and non-suicidal for … ever. Maybe I should try it.
Her: You should. Hey, whatever happened to Daisy, or Gradgirl? Or X?
Me: X’s gone. Daisy’s seeing the love of her life. So is Gradgirl, I think. Besides, neither looks at love and marriage like you and I do.
Her: Yeah, you gotta respect marriage, or even committed relationships. (thinking) How do you keep meeting all these women? Do you use an app?
Me: Why do people keep asking that? I use my personality and this face here. (points at face)
Her: (laughs) Well, stop bashing it all up.

We talked and drank a little more. Had a whole conversation about God that I gotta organize and write about someday but not right now.

I will say:

Her: I feel the need to tell you that I’m about to cry. I’m not asking you to stop, but…
Me: OK, then just lemme say that if there is a God – your God – he f___ked my family. And now, (sighing) we can stop.

On that pleasant note, she got ready to go.

Her: Hey, if the Gymgirl comes back (pause) talk to her, OK?
Me: Sure. We’re in the same orbit and I owe her a lot. But why?
Her: Maybe I like her, despite everything. (shrugging) She impresses me. She’s impressive. She kept your attention and she kept you from dying. Both are unique and both are something. Big somethings. No excuse but still…
Me: Like I said, we should all be with the one we want most. But, I’ll take it under advisement. Now, you gonna get back to your hotel ok?
Her: What am I, a child? (hugs me) I can hold my liquor, Logan.
Me: So you keep telling me. Goodnight, Rose.
Her: Night, Logan.

Location: don’t even ask
Mood: hot
Music: in love with the shape of you
Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

All that glitters is not gold

Playing cards with friends

Her: “All that glitters is gold.”
Me: (laughing) The saying is, “All that glitters is NOT gold.” You got that precisely wrong

Gymgirl’s gone again. The details are unimportant.

She’s great; I adored her, really. We just don’t see the world the same way.


Despite my reservations, three buddies of mine just showed up for drinks by mine…

…along with food, which I had to decline because of personal reasons.

Him: Man, you really didn’t eat anything.
Me: I told you, I’m a rock. I’m a goddamn brick wall.

Now, I desperately need sleep – see the convo below – which is another entry entirely, but I couldn’t say no to them.

I’m pretty touched that my friends always show up to see how I’m doing. Although they made their feelings about her clear as well.

Him: We all liked you with her, man. How much sleep have you gotten this week?
Me: Nine hours in the last 96.
Him: Are you sure you should be making decisions like this right now?
Me: (shrugging)The die is cast. We make our choices in life and accept the ramifications. Both of us. Alla us. These are the cards she dealt me and I, her. So we play them as we do.

Perhaps they’re my friends because I’m old as dirt and have learned a thing or two along the way.

Or maybe there’s just something in my life that makes some people wanna stay yet others not.

Death and f____ing cancer notwithstanding.

Although some of them could be a bit more supportive than others.

Me: What are you talking about? I’m the best looking Asian from our old gym.
Him: No, that’d be your cousin.
Me: (thinking) OK, that’s fair. She’s lovely.

Location: in the world, doing some work I’ve not done in a while
Mood: accepting
Music: Now, all I know, I know all these things
Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

Take your chances as they come

Waiting and hoping

Me: Where were we?
Gymgirl: I was talking about you.
Me: That I’m the best thing that ever happened to you?
Her: Why would I say that?
Me: Because it’s the truth!

Drunkenly met the most beautiful girl at a bar, once.

I was walking in, she was walking out. She was also drunk and happened to be on a date. I was heading out to talk to one girl after spending the night with another.

Called the girl walking in my Ship-in-the-Night girl. After a while, I knew her name was Alison, but – long after we started dating – still teased her that the girl I met that night wasn’t her.

Not so much because I didn’t think that she was that girl, but because I wondered if she was my girl; if I were her fella.

If we were each other’s person.

Then, one September day, we told each other that we didn’t wanna be with anyone else.

Alison: You’ve finally accepted that I’m your Ship-in-the-Night Girl, huh?
Me: (nodding) Yes.

That was a great day. Probably one of the happiest days of my life.

A good friend of mine was given an opportunity to start his own gym and asked me my thoughts.

Told him, honestly, that he owed it to his future self to take his chances as they come.

I mean, that’s the thing with every facet of life, yeah? You’re presented with an opportunity and you have to decide whether to stay with the devil you know or push all that doubt to the side of your mouth,  shut up, and take your chances.

When Alison met me that night, my business was failing. A family friend stole most of my money. Was drinking and womanizing way too much.

And yet she saw something in me that made her take a chance on me.

She believed me when I told her I was looking for her all those years. While it was the truth, I can see how that might be a hard thing to accept with a fella like me.

I admit that in my sleepless nights, I worried she’d wake up one day and realize she’d made a terrible mistake.

But she never did.

She’s been gone only a year and I’m already in another relationship. Can’t express how guilty that makes me feel. But she’d want what was best for me and the boy.

And Alison knew I loved her and only her. That’s all that really matters to me.

That’s not entirely true: I want the kid to know I loved his mamma completely.

Did everything I could to save her for us. Life f___d us anyway.

The Gymgirl left this story a while ago. Suppose in the simplest terms, she and I both thought that it was too early for us to be in relationship. She had school and life going on and I had…well, you know what I had going on.

But I can’t be a hypocrite and tell my buddy, and everyone else, to take their chances as they come and not do it myself.

You see, the Gymgirl sees my broken self and thinks I might be something or someone great. Or nearabouts. And I think she’s something great also.

So we both take our chances. And we wait and hope.

Me: I think we should give this another try.
Her: I don’t know, Logan.
Me: You can’t leave me. I’m perfect.
Her: (laughs, rolls eyes)

Location: my usual spot, wondering
Mood: cautious
Music: I’m beyond your peripheral vision
 Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

What’s there to celebrate?

I’m dull and vicious again


This blog has always been about people entering and leaving my Venn Diagram. Although some the leavings have changed dramatically  – and horrifically – in the past few years.

Gymgirl’s dropped out of this story; there’s more but that’s her story to tell.

Friend: You seem more upset about it than others in the past.
Me: Well, it’s my birthday next week, and it was more abrupt and random than usual.
Her: You should be one to talk about leaving people abruptly and randomly.
Me: (shaking head) The truth is, it’s not so much that she left me – I get that – it’s that she left the boy. She’s the only one that met him. That’s what bothers me the most.

A lot’s going on in my life that I’m trying to get a handle on, least of which is that I’m turning 45 soon. It sounds so weird as I write it. Never thought I’d be single at 45, mainly because I was married and thought that was it for me.

I wanted it to be it for me.

But I’m going into 45 alone. Had a couplea people ask to do something and I’m honestly not sure. What’s there to celebrate?

Did see some friends over the weekend to watch the fights. And ate a lot more than I shoulda.

Him: How much chicken did you just eat?
Me: Clearly, not enough.

Probably drank a lot more than I should have as well.

Him: You should stop drinking.
Me: You’ve never said that to me in all our nights out before. So, I’ll stop.
Him: Good.

And I’m still me, as broken as ever.

Me: So what line of work are you in?
Her: I teach paddleboarding on the Hudson.
Me: (sighing) I have to sterilize everything you’ve touched now.
Her: (laughing) What? Why?
Me: Cooties, obviously.

Actually, it’s not true that I’m going into 45 alone. I have the kid. The kid’s enough. Dunno how anyone could ever leave that face.

Picked him up early from my mom on Sunday, despite little-to-no sleep, because I wanted to see that face so.

Me: Where we going?
Him: Home. Home. (smiles) [Gymgirl’s name]?
Me: (shaking head) No. It’s just you and me, kid. I’m sorry. We both really liked her, I know. Is it…is it ok if it’s just me again?
Him: Yesh. Yesh. (nods deeply then points at mouth) Eat. Eat.
Me: (laughing) That’s my boy. You and me against the world, right?
Him: Yesh. (touches my mouth) Eat.
Me: (nods)

Location: in front of a glass of rum and amaretto
Mood: dull and vicious
Music: the lovers and the lonely, start to whisper all about me
 Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Blogarama - Observations Blogs

Three changes in life

I think people go through three major changes in life

Water Towers in NYC

When I first started blogging years ago, I wrote on LiveJournal and met a number of people I still keep in touch with.

I actually like Facebook for what it is: A way to keep up with the lives of people you know (kinda) without having to interact with them unless you actually choose to.

But, on the flip side, I miss good long-form writing. Twitter, FB, and the like are good for quick quips or pithy observations but not for thoughtful prose.

In any case, when I was on LJ, I met a number of young married people. Off the top of my head, I can count ten.

All of them ended up getting divorced except for one young lady, who called me out of the blue this weekend asking for some advice on how to get a divorce.

As an odd by-product of that period of time when I was actively dating, I’ve developed a good ability to sense when a couple is headed for a break-up or divorce. It’s not 100%, but it’s pretty good.

I think that people go through three major changes in their life. People try out a personality in their late teens and early 20s – usually becoming a genre of a person – but often become someone different in their late 20s, then again in their middle 30s.

I think that I’ve settled into who I’m supposed to be at this point in my life although some people think that more change is ahead.

The thing about young people getting married young is that you’ve got two people that probably did see the world the same way in that first period but don’t last through the second and third.

Years ago, people did – my parents did, and so did yours, I suppose – but with the world getting smaller, it’s a lot easier to try and find someone that sees life the way you do rather than try and convince someone to see it your way.

Anywho, breakups are hard, regardless of the reasons why.

Me: Is it really over?
Friend: Yes, I think so.
Me: I’m sorry to hear it. OK, here’s what you have to do…

Location: home
Mood: thoughtful
Music: been all around the world, marching to the beat of a different drum
 Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

Asian Males and White Females

I dunno, it’s just something I do

 

There’s this sword movement done where a block is performed with the spine of the blade and the sword then rolls into a slash. It’s really cool looking and possibly one of the most beautiful sword movements that exists.

I noticed it years ago with another fencer and asked him what it was. He looked at me, puzzled. And said, I dunno, it’s just something I do. For him, it was nothing special, just part of his makeup.

I’ve alluded to this in the past, such as when people are extraordinarily proud to be Irish, or Chinese, or what have you. For most of us, myself included, being Chinese is simply something I am.

Having said this, since my wife and I got married, we do notice that there are few couples like us: Asian male and White female (AMWF). In fact when we’re out and about, we invariably remark to each other when we notice another couple like us.

I bring all of this up because I was in court yesterday kiling time and I came across this blog entry called Why Aren’t We Talking More About The Rarity of AMWF? – and it really made me think.

While it should be noted that the writer is a Caucasian writer living in China (very cool), it’s just as true here in the States, I think.

Regarding my own experiences, there are many friends I have now that I’ve only recently met. And the funny thing is that the version of me they know is not the version I actually think I am in my head.

In college, I dated a Korean girl for years. In law school, it was a Chinese med student. Then I dated a hapa. Then I just dated.

There’s a running joke with some of my friends from 2008 onward that I only dated Caucasians. Which my older friends would find funny because they thought I only dated Asians.

And yet neither is true. I dated whomever I liked.

This version of me is only the part they know. Had an argument with a dolt I met online via FB who immediately labeled me as a self-hating Chinese man, which only made me roll my eyes and move on with my life.

After all, I’m not another person’s opinion of what I am. I am, simply, what I am.

Getting back to the  questions posed: Why are there so few Asian male, Caucasian female combinations?

I’m not sure.

Out and about, I was frequently the first and only Asian person many non-Asians dated. There were two common things they said. Either:

Regarding point one, a good deal of that has to do with exposure IMHO. If they don’t know any Asian men well, there’s no one to whom to be attracted.

As for point two, many of my male friends are:

  1. more strongly attracted to Asian females,
  2. more comfortable dating Asian female, or
  3. assuming that point one above is definitive – Non-Asian women are not attracted to Asian men.

I’ve never found number 3 to be true but this is just anecdotal to me and all of this is just my opinion.

I’m not really sure why I didn’t really think about it all that much while I was dating, mainly because – for me – it’s just something I did.

What do you think?

A Great Online Dating ProfileIf you liked this entry, I recently wrote an April 2014 book on how to write  A Great Online Dating Profile with 30 tips to get noticed and get more responses – it’s just $0.99 at Amazon, BN.com, and the Apple Store, as well as most other online retailers:

I also wrote a book about first dates with information I just haven’t seen in other books that I learned from three solid years of dating in NYC.

A Great First Date, early 2014It’s just $2.99 at at Amazon, BN.com, and the Apple Store.

 

Location: not in court
Mood: analytical
Music: Paris to China to Colorado
Subscribe!
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

Enhanced by Zemanta

What if there’s a monster?

That’s why they call you Jerkface McGee.

Washington Square Park NYC in early Spring 2013

Her: I’m going away for three days, are you going to miss me?
Me: Yes.
Her: (smiles)
Me: What if there’s a monster? Who am I going to throw at it?

Bag of Doritos

The wife is off for a work thingy this week so that means I’ve:

  • queued up hours of documentaries on Netflix.
  • arranged what I like to call “rum-tasings” but you might just call drinking
  • already scheduled time at my local halal cart for pickups
  • began what I like to call “cleaning out the fridge” but you might call eating whatever I can find

But first, a breakfast of corn chips.

11 servings per container?

Clearly one of us is not good at math, good sir.

Her: …and that’s why they call you Jerkface McGee.
Me: Only you call me Jerface McGee!
Her: Says Jerkface McGee…

Location: regretting my choice of breakfast
Mood: ambitious
Music: I’ll see you when I fall asleep
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.

Enhanced by Zemanta

We make our own luck in this world

Drinks in Times Square, NYC

Me: Y’know, in a decade, we loook pretty close to what we looked like back then. You look great!
Her: Oh thanks, you too.
Me: Well, I always look good.
Her: That’s…hey!

Met up with Hazel for some drinks the other night. She’s come around to my way of thinking that meeting your person deserves as much thought as getting a good job or going back to school for your career.

Me: Imagine if I said, “I’ve decided that I’m just going to leave getting a job to chance. It’ll happen when it happens. Until then, I’m going to sit at home every day and night and I believe that a high-paying, awesome job will call me and want just the way I am.” What would you say about my career plans?
Her: That that’s not a good idea.
Me: Right. But I can’t tell you how many times I have people say to me, “I’m just going to meet the right person. It’ll happen when it happens.” The right person’s a big deal – too big to leave up to chance. Y’make your own luck in this world.

———-

This recent study has a new take on why exercise is so good for us. Apparently, it makes our very healthy cells eat the weaker cells in our bodies as a kinda natural recycling.

Goes to show two things: (1) why exercise really is the fountain of youth and (2) that I can find a way to eat regardless of where I am and what I’m doing:

Me: We vacation well together – we can hang out or get our own alone time.
Wife: Yes, like I go to the spa, you go eat, I go to the beach, you go eat, I go to the cafe, you go eat, I go to…
Me: I would say something but that’s pretty accurate.

Location: getting dressed to meet a client
Mood: contented
Music: on the other side I’ve got friends and they’ve got my back
Subscribe!

All of your life’s problems can be divided into health, wealth, and relationships

LED snowflakes on a building in NYC

Her: (cleaning) Do you know you have a can of chili up here behind the dishes?
Me: Yeah, that’s my emergency stash.

It’s a funny season for relationships – at least three couples I know that “broke up” are back together again, while my FB feed is exploding with “XX is now in a relationship with YY.” Assume that’s the Lockdown effect and it’s contrapositive.

Health, Wealth, and Relationships – all of your life’s problems can be put into onea those baskets.

My relationships seem to be stable, with the occasional hiccup. As for health, nothing major – thank goodness – although I think I’m coming down with something or just run down.

And the reason I’m run down is because of that wealth part: on the negative side, it’s been a busier Nov/Dec than it’s been in years.

On the positive side, it’s been a busier Nov/Dec than it’s been in years. All this means less time for side projects like this blog and the other things I’m trying to get started.

Since we’re talking about wealth, been thinking of that formula mentioned a while ago, which I’d like to slightly modify. Think that scratch and time have an inverse relationship that shifts as you age.

When you’re young, you’ve got a lot of time, so you concentrate on making scratch. When you’re old, you hopefully have more scratch but you’re running outta time. Then there’s that place in the middle, which is where I am and mosta the people I know. It’s a tug-a-war between conserving one and making the other. And we’re all hoping, in some small way, it’s important somehow.

Suppose there’s time for more philosophy later. Right now, got deadlines.

In case I don’t see you until next week, and if you read the same book as me, wish you Happy Xmas. If you don’t read the same book as me, wish you happy holiday.

If you don’t read any book, not sure what I wish you, but assume it’s something positive.

Location: getting dressed to go to the post office
Mood: sick maybe?
Music: I am a seeker, I seek both night and day
Subscribe!