I’m wearing a shirt that says, Do I Look Like a F___ People Person?
Made it home yesterday. Met two women on their way home too but home for them was Boston. Such is my luck.
It was dismal outside. Was gonna stay in when my flatmate reminded me that the reason I rushed home was to enjoy the Fourth. So I met up with my friend L. As you would expect, I totally missed the whole East Side Fireworks display but she and I did go out with some friends to eat.
Afterwards, I walked her home and got drenched. Totally soaked. So I took a shower at her place, borrowed this dead-sexy shirt, and crawled onto her sofa to crash. Her roommate Locationgirl was there and asked me over and over “Why are you here?” Didn’t understand the question until after they went to bed.
She meant, What are you doing here with L?
So I lay there for a bit and the ticking of the fan and the thunder kept me up. After about two hours of that, the rain finally stopped and I gave up trying to sleep. I left L a note, quietly left, took a cab back up to my pad and am about to crawl off and lie awake in my own bed.
Meant to post this a while ago but I thought it was too long. It’s my definition:
When I was 15, my best friend, Kevin, told me that my girl Diana cheated on me. We never spoke, I just shut her out. Stupid kid stuff.
Maybe a decade later, I drove by her home and, for some reason, I rang her doorbell. I expected her to slap me when she answered the door; instead, she let me in, gave me a smile and an apron. She had this huge bar of chocolate that she told me to chop for cookies.
So I went in and started chopping.
After a bit, I asked her, half-jokingly, what happened between us.
She stopped and answered:
You listened to Kevin but we both know that he was the first guy to ask me out after we broke up. So that makes you an idiot. I never cheated on you, you know that. I was your biggest fan. That makes me an idiot. You never stood up for me and I didn’t understand why, because I was kind to you. I was on your side but you weren’t on mine.
Why weren’t you?
I had no answer. Almost twenty years after the fact, I still have no answer. I don’t remember anything else but I remember what she said.
That conversation started me off in being who I am now. In fact, I learned the phrases biggest fan and on your side that day.
To continue from my last post, there’s this movie people either love or hate: Bride with White Hair. In it, the protagonist jokingly promised his chick that he would get her a flower one day that only bloomed once every twenty years on a snow-capped mountaintop. Later in the story, he betrays her.
To make amends, he sits in the snow, alone, in front of this plant for ten years, waiting for it to bloom. For her. Fool boy.
A friend recently gave me a drunken compliment: Logan’s got his issues but he’s f___ing loyal. If I was locked up in a cell in Panama and I had one call, he’d be it.
See, anything bad that could happen starts with disloyalty, yeah?
Cheating, lying, stealing, it all starts from there. You can’t get there without being disloyal first.
The goods? Love, respect, trust – you can’t get there without being loyal first.
That’s why I’ve never cheated on anyone. It’s also why I never speak ill of anyone after we break up. At it’s most basic, it’s disloyal.
Unless the reason we broke up comes from disloyalty. Then, screw it. Screw them.
Yeah, I got my faults. I got a whole blog of faults. But what he said made my drunken night.
Cause the people that know me, they know I’d sit on a mountain top and wait. It might be a mountain of brick and mortar, but there I’d be.
Somena called late the other night. We only ever talk when it’s late.
I thinks that’s a good definition although mine is a bit different but the same. I’ll write it up some time.
Me: Fair enough – what’s your definition? Her: (pause) Did you hear the lyrics to Cigarettes by the Wreckers? There’s a line that goes “someday I won’t have to prove ‘Cause somebody will see all my worth.” That’s what I think. It’s when somebody just thinks you’re great; you’re awesome. Me: (thinking) If that’s what it is then, I guess no, I haven’t had it in a while. Besides, I don’t… Her: Stop. The right person will see. She’ll think you’re awesome. Even if you’re not. You know how the line ends? It goes “until then I’ll do just fine on my own.” You always do just fine, you’re always fine. Me: (pause) It’s too bad we’re so alike… Her: (laughing) We’d kill each other. Get some sleep. Nite, Logan. Me: Nite, Somena.
It’s just as well, I need to stay home and clean up. I bought myself what I think is the best canister vacuum, yet I haven’t used it once, I’m going to use it, I just don’t know when.
Her: Spring cleaning, eh? I wanna do that too. BTW, so many people are single these days, a friend called me yesterday to tell me that he and his girl just split up. Me: Well, two friends of mine just got into relationships and someone I know just got back with an ex. But I think it’s all part of the same thing: spring cleaning.
Something about spring makes you wanna examine your stuff. The spring light sharpens things dull from the winter. You can see what’s worth working on and what’s gotta go. Doesn’t matter if they’re comic books, handbags, or relationships.
Last spring was terrible for me.
This spring, things are looking much better.
Excuse the mess – it’s I’m still a work in progress.
Spoke to L the other night and she said something that made me pause.
I’m always the fling, never the girlfriend.
Her comment was a general comment, not directed at me, but it reminded me about things from both my long and recent pasts that were directed at me.
About eight years ago, I briefly dated this beautiful and wealthy trust fund baby. One day she said, “Guys always treat me like the side dish. I want to be the main course. You’re not going to do that to me, are you?”
For reasons that still escape me now, I told her I didn’t know. After some crying and choice words from her, I found myself taking a 2AM walk home. Not the first, not the last.
Also saw Blue Jean Eyes again recently. She and I both want something, I suppose, and we get along so well but…
Don’t you find that the most hateful words come after the word but?
For the last four women that loved me before Blue Jean Eyes, my but was my insomnia – and the subsequent irritability, moodiness, arguing and general insanity.
For both Blue Jean Eyes and me it’s the choices we’ve made in life but Blue Jean Eyes’s also concerned by the choices I might make in life.
Returning to L and her comment, L asked, “What does that say about me?”
Once again, I didn’t know and once again, I thought about it on a 2AM walk home.
Had a late dinner and a bit to drink with Hazel and Locationgirl.
Probably have a 50/50 ratio of male/female friends. For me, there’s a clear line of demarcation between friends and lovers, potential or otherwise (of course that’s exactly what my ex said to me and that turned out to be total crap).
Still, it’s great being able to have feminine sounding boards. Consider the recent conversation between Casey and myself:
Her: You think your dating life is bad? On date three, a guy asked me to show up wearing a Halloween costume. Me: No way! What’d you say? Her: I said “F___ no!” Me: Nice. Strong work there, Case. Her: Yeah, and then just the other day he contacted me to ask if I had a Maid’s… Me: (interrupting) Wait, you answered? Her: (pause) Yea, I guess I shouldn’t have.
I’ve said it before, relationships are hard. You do what you can, when you can.
For me, life is…confusing. At least I’m not the only one who’s confused.
Me: Do you remember hitting me on New Years? Her: I hit you?! Why? Me: Well, someone, not me, grabbed your butt and you turned to me and you were all pissed. You asked, “Did you grab my butt?” And I said, “No.” Her: Did you grab my butt? Me: No. Her: Then what happened? Me: Then I grabbed your butt. And you immediately slapped me. Her: (pause) Was it any good? Me: (pause) Yes. It was totally worth it.
We then both laughed. My friends are awesome. She thinks I’m in love with her, I think she’s in love with me. We’re both wrong – a good thing.