Friendships and getting the invite

Late night in a bar in downtown NYC

Having some issues with some friends lately.

The problem with dealing with friends is that on one hand, y’can’t expect them to act as you do – they have their own life experiences and values – but on the other hand, there’s a baseline mirroring required for them to be your friend.

For the first friend, his basic understanding of what friendship is differs greatly from my understanding.

  • His definition is: I have something you don’t want or need, but it is of value to me; here you go.
  • My definition is: I have something you want or need, despite it being of value to me; here you go.

It’s been a historically one-sided friendship and I’m thinking that cutting my losses would be the smart way to go.

For my other friend, he’s a genuinely good fella. The issue’s that he hangs out with a buncha douchebags – usually of the female persuasion. In fact, he seems to be drawn to them.

Some of their recent escapades include: breaking a mutual friend’s funiture and then trying to hide it, getting drunk and sick at a house party then leaving without a thanks or offering to clean up, and thinking racist jokes are hysterical.

It’s that mirroring again. He doesn’t realize that people’re starting to think he’s a douchebag because he keeps company with douchebags.

When I was single, had a rule to never turn down an invite. But to follow that rule, y’gotta first get an invite.

When people think that you come with douchebag, those invites are far less likely to come in.

Location: desk
Mood: disappointed
Music: crossed the sea to find a brother
Subscribe!

Why would you want someone that doesn’t want you?

Diego the plant

Her: What name should I give it?
Me: I like Harold.
Her: No…I think Diego.
Me: Diego…OK. I like it. Diego and Harold.

We’ve bought furniture and a plant together. Suppose there’s no returning to single-hood. Harold, has to get over his jealously; a bit concerned he may start smoking again.

Speakinga singlehood, a buddy of mine’s newly single. Gave him my usual spiel, which boils down to, No matter how hard it is, why would you want someone that doesn’t want you?

He got his walking papers inĀ  fairly harsh way: she kicked him out. And for no other reason than talking with a female friend he’s known for 13 years. Told him to take the high road.

Him: And what’s that?
Me: Leave. And don’t build her up like she was a saint or rip her down like she was a monster. Just leave. If a woman tells you to leave, you get up, pack your bags, and walk out the door. Cut it deep, cut it clean, but cut it.
Him: I’m super busy today, I can’t just pack up and leave.
Me: Cut it quick, cut it deep, cut it clean, but cut it. And don’t try to read her mind like some rapist and say, “Well she really meant…” You can’t assume anything is true but the words that come out of her mouth, which was, “Move out.”
Him: Damn, I guess I’ll have to look for a place.

He moved out that night.

He’s erasing his map – in stark contrast to our other buddy who floated back and forth with his girl for a year. That girl actually ended up marrying the guy she cheated on him for a year and that friend just caused a solid year of pain for himself. This friend, however, sees the writing on wall.

Speakinga seeing the writing on the wall, recently had two clients hand me checks in very different ways.

One paid me a bonus for a job well done; the other paid me 50% of what was agreed upon. Not to get all schoolyard but a deal’s a deal. If I’ve ever learned anything from working for myself for 18 years, when a client hands you a check, you smile, take it, and make a mental note.

It’s all related, y’know? Why stay where you’re not wanted? Anyone that tells you, Move out, doesn’t want you.

Any client that pays you 50% of what you agreed upon doesn’t want or respect you.

Any client that pays you more than you asked does.

Even if you don’t like what you hear, people are telling you stuff all of time.

 

Location: Sitting in my living room, wide awake at 4AM
Mood: hungry!
Music: you open up the dirty windows, let the sun illuminate
YASYCTAI: Listen to what people are telling you. (5 mins/1 pt)
Subscribe!

Fridays Online

Location: 19:00 yest, cooking pork for the first time in kitch
Mood: inspired
Music: we the stars Steady rockin’ on y’alls boulevards

Picture of a bike in a park on the west side of NYC

Paul stopped by my place the other night. There was a time when I’d spend mosta my time with him chatting about Heartgirl rather than the other way round.

He’s still (kinda) living the life of a singleton – he’s got his front-runner – as’re lotsa my other friends. S’funny, the charm of being single’s the potential to meet someone that makes you not.

This salesman named Alan Stillman was tired of being single so he started a bar to pick up girlies on 63rd Street and 1st Ave back in 1965. Dunno if it worked but kinda shows what people’ll do to not be by their lonesome.

Which kinda makes me wonder why people don’t explore the avenues out there to meet someone appropriate.

Like online dating – dunno why anyone’s got anything against it. The actual meeting of a body makes it just as normal as anything else. Sides, how’s it any more likely you’re gonna meet your better half in some smoky bar?

Said it before, it’s like y’got this aunt named Match or something like that, who says to you, “I know that guy/girl that y’might like.” Plus, how often when you go out and about do you also get a resume of the person in front of your face?

Oh, the name of the joint that that guy Stillman started was TGI Friday’s – he also started Smith & Wollensky’s, the joint that HG brought me on my bday.

Y’probably aren’t gonna meet someone right for you in TGI Friday’s but you get my point.

YASYCTAI: Try cooking something completely new today. (30 mins/1 pt)

Being a Ham

Being Your Best Self

 

Me: You agree with what thing I said?
Him: That there’s no such thing as a line? It’s true. I was saying the stupidest things to this one girl the other day, and she loved every word.

Heartgirl asked me recently if I watched The Pickup Artist, implying that that’s where I learned to be the boy I am. But we both know that I made a fool of myself long before that show came out.

Tina Fey’s all over the place these days because of Sarah Palin but she cut her teeth in improv. In the vid, she takes one idea and ends on a completely different point entirely. It’s fascinating cause you can see how her mind snaps associations together. Rain’s like that too in real life (don’t send him an email). It’s called a Monologue in improv. It’s a crucial life skill to be mentally quick on your feet.

Have to say that improv was a one of two major components of being good out and about; the other was a line from a fella named Thomas S. Monson who said, Don’t be yourself, be your best self.

Contrary to what most people think, the key to connecting with people isn’t to be fake, but very much the opposite: to be as really you as possible – assuming, of course, that the real you’s not a douchebag.

Cause you never stumble for words with your friends – you just say what you think. The guys that screw up out and about are the guys that hide who and what they really are:

Her: Well, I have a terrier.
Him: Oh you have a dog. I love dogs. When did you get him? How big is he? How old is he? What do you feed him? Did you always have a dog? What colour is he? Where do you walk him? Um. What do feed him? Oh, I asked that?

Painful right? that was a real conversation. So was this one immediately afterward:

Me: Hi, I’m sorry, couldn’t help but overhear that you have a dog. I love dogs.
Her: (bored) Really?
Me: Especially with a twist of lemon and some salt and pepper. Then I like to finish off with a whole wheat donut. (noticing her face) What? Whole wheat donuts are great. Y’know what else’s great? Rum…

In a related note, Heartgirl’s sister thinks I’m gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Heartgirl says it’s cause I talk so much with my hands, use words like “lovely,” don’t play sports and am unabashedly nerdy. But it’s who I am.

It’s a suckers game to pretend to be someone you’re not. Y’can never keep it up. If you watch the vid, here’s the thing – everything she’s saying is true. It’s that honesty that makes it so entertaining, funny and compelling.

———-

The Game is recommended reading:

  • for guys, mainly cause you gotta think, if this dweeby, skinny, bald dude can ask anyone out…
  • for girls, mainly cause you should know what’s out there.

Location: at the rents
Mood: productive
Music: What I am is what I am, are you what you are or what?

Accepting it

 

Grey: I’m back in town next month. Do you miss me yet?
Me: Of course. But about that…

—-

Me: I wanted to tell you that I had that talk with the other girl and we decided to give it a try.
Blue: OK, thanks for letting me know. (pause) I’m surprisingly OK.
Me: I knew you would be.

—-

Me: So I’m not going to be seeing anyone else, right?
Green: (irritated) Why do you always put it like that: “I’m not going to be seeing anyone else.” You’re fine if I see other people?
Me: (laughing) OK, you’re right. We’re not going to be seeing anyone else, right? We’re actually dating each other and no one else.
Her: (pause) Yes. We’re not going to be seeing anyone else.
Me: OK, Heartgirl. I can do that.
Her: You’ve finally accepted that I’m your SING, huh?
Me: (nodding) Yes.

—-

Me: I can’t do you that favour, brother.
Him: Fine, be an idiot. By the way, stop calling me the Devil.
Me: Ah, you found the blog. Sorry about that. But you know why we call you that.

Location: 20:30 yest, walking home alone
Mood: thoughtful
Music: People stop and stare. They don’t bother me

We make rules for a reason

I’m always alright

Me: Is it that you don’t want a relationship or you don’t want a relationship with me?
Her: (pause) Couldn’t take another failed relationship, Logan. I can’t. (looking at me) Are you alright?

My fishes keep committing suicide. They jump outta the tank and flop around my floor. They did it tonight when someone was over and she screamed. Dammit, I’m down to one George.

Met up with some blue eyes on Friday to a downtown rooftop where I took a picture of the pier above.

Met up with some green eyes on Saturday where I went to the pier above and took the picture below of the rooftop I was on Friday. My life goes in these funny circles.

PCD made me laugh recently. She kept her promise to stick around. Heartgirl told me that we’re not dating cause we’re beyond that. So I told her she should wind up and swing. She said she couldn’t. Said I understood – but only cause I didn’t wanna know. Trust me when I tell you, y’never wanna know why.

Have a secret I’ll tell you someday. But not now. For now, I repeat that my life goes in circles. Said it before, y’keep doing what you do, y’keep getting what you get. Keep getting what I get cause I keep breaking my rules.

You know why you have rules? You have rules so you don’t have to think. The decision was made a long time ago when someone, hopefully you, were thinking clearly. I’m always tired – never think clearly anymore.

I just keep screwing things up cause I keep breaking my rules.

The girl that screamed went to church with me tonight and walked me home. Just before George jumped outta the tank, she also asked me if I was alright. So I turned to her and put on my best face.

Me: I’m always alright.

 

Sometimes if you put something into the aether, it becomes true and it’s a good thing. I am alright. Just gotta follow my rules. I’m always alright. George on the other hand…

Location: home
Mood: awake
Music: Don’t wanna leave you but I can’t stay anymore.

Killing time on a rainy night

Who’s our lucky contestant tonight?

Her: It bothers me when you tell me that I’m just killing time with you. I consider you a pretty close friend so I definitely don’t think of it as killing time in any sort of way.
Me: Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2, Lines 1-2, I believe…
Her: What’s the line?
Me: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

In the above quote, Juliet tells Romeo that Capulet is just a name, just a word. She loves a man named Montague but the name is irrelevant to her. He could just as well be named Smith or McCarthy for all she cares. Doesn’t change who he is.

Courtesy is all about the polite lie. You don’t really think God will bless someone just because they sneeze, do you? Or that if you say Good Morning to someone, they’ll actually have a good morning?

The girl in the above conversation’s too polite to tell me that I’m her placeholder; her stopgap measure. I’m the guy she kills time with until she meets Mr. Right. Not ideal but I’m not one to cry into my porridge.

Besides, anything’s better than the lukewarm.

So I smile, nod and say, Sure – look there’re worse people to spend a rainy night with than each other.

And she nods and says, OK.

So you take a breath breath. Stuff all of that doubt into that little pocket you keep for just such a night. Get dressed cause you never turn down an invitation.

And try to keep that doubt at bay. Don’t think of green eyes or blues eyes. Cause you’re a brick wall. Y’gotta be. And everything, for better or for worse, makes sense again. Shut the door behind you. Breathe in that fall night air and think:

Hello weekend – who’s our lucky contestant tonight?

Location: about to step out
Mood: determined
Music: I just don’t belong here

If only for a while

Her: (exasperated) LOGAN! When I tell you to go out to go out and check on my friend, I don’t mean make a pass at her!
Me: In my defense: (a) you weren’t totally clear on that point, (b) you know what I am.

Busy weekend. New roomie moved in. Work drama My brother came to see me too; we hung out with PB, WM and Kathy for a fashion designer’s party. Met a blondie that went to the same grade school as me and lives around the way. I asked her to tell me a secret and she told me a sad one.

Sunday, spoke to HEI and told her that, while I didn’t lose anyone very close to me in 9/11, can’t leave it behind me. And I wanna. Also spoke to Heartgirl, who said she saw a lotta street beef over the weekend. In the backa my head, thought, I can understand, a little, why there’s so much rage.

Speaking of Heartgirl, a conversation with her not that long ago sparked another one with someone else from my past.

Me: I was thinking maybe…maybe you were right.
Her: Oh, Logan, I’m not. I’m sorry.I didn’t mean it. All the cruel things I said.
Me: Ah…Caligirl, doesn’t matter. (pause) How’s married life?
Her: It’s nice. (faint laughter) You should try it some time…
Me: (pause) I’m trying. I’m trying so hard…
Her: (sadly) I didn’t mean…
Me: You did. (pause) It’s ok. I earned it. It’s only right. It’s only fair.You get what you give in this life. But I hope you’re wrong. Maybe you’re right but I hope…
Her: (interrupting) I hope I’m wrong too. We all deserve to be happy. If only for a while.

Location: my parent’s guest room
Mood: hard to say
Music: for a minute it lets me let it all go.

whoo-hoo?

I’ll be in LA in December or January helping a relative settle in.

Him: I left my job. Moving out to Cali.
Me: !
Him: ?
Me: whoo-hoo?
Him: Whoo-hoo!
Me: WHOOO-HOOO!!!!

Come to the conclusion that I need at least 84% more Whoo-Hoo! in my life. Got outta work at 19:30 today. No joy. Have a new client called King Happy Shrimp Rice, Ltd. Really. Just came in from fencing. Think I tore my ACL. Also, no joy.

That aside, I’ve been averaging about 18% Whoo-Hoo!, M-Thr, about 60% on Fridays, 90% on Saturdays and 60% on Sundays.

And even my Saturday Whoo-Hoo! is never consistent. Well, it is – just never in a good way:

Me: I’m gonna say 22.
Her: (surprised) That’s right. How did you know?
Me: Call it a gift. (thinking) Luckily for you, tonight I don’t care. My name’s Logan, and you are…?

Location: 19:29 yest, wondering why I’m not home
Mood: so freak’n tired
Music: Oh, yeah. It’s business time. It’s business time.

Our trespasses

Location: 16:20 yest, eating burger #2 in Brooklyn
Mood: beat
Music: I know enough to know when someone trusts you

In any relationship, there’s always the time when you’re faced with two competing, equally valid, points of view.

  • On the one hand, you should never accept piss-poor behaviour.
  • On the other hand, you should forgive people their screw-ups.

Friday, was supposed to see someone but she just completely flaked. Not even a text saying, Not showing up. Her explanation was that this is her reality – this is acceptable behaviour for her and her friends. Which only makes me believe more than ever that you are the company you keep. Should point out we got into what I thought was a minor disagreement but what she thought was a full on argument prior to the evening.

When we finally spoke, I was livid.

But here’s the thing: after all was said and done, she pointed out one time that I showed piss-poor behaviour. And she said she forgave me.

Y’know, every night, every single one, I ask to be forgiven our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us. These can’t be empty words. Cause, I gotta believe you’re more than just your thoughtless screw-ups. Cause, I gotta believe that I’m more than my awful things.

———-

Saturday, in the midst of a hurricane, see LisaV and her friends downtown at onea my favorite joints, a hidden bar called East Side Company. No signs, no lines. Just the number 49, baby. Meet her friend, a tall, hella attractive Asian girl and ask for her info – but it’s not for me; she’s exactly my buddy’s type. Sometimes, you take one for the team, yeah?

Sunday, meet up with Heartgirl for a last minute thing. Stop by her place and help her bake cookies and discuss Scrabble. We had The Talk but it was nuthin I didn’t already know. Put our shades on and we’re off to a BBQ in Brooklyn where we hung out with her friends. Nice group but more on that some other time.

Get home Sunday night with a belly fulla charred meat, fatty carbs and beer. Nice but in my head I think, Man, summer’s really not my season.

But fall, man…fall’s my season. Cannot wait to see my fall blue sky again.