It’s Gestalt

 

Had this brilliant plan about a year ago, which was to only date people in my area. For those of you new to dating: terrible idea. Cause you keep running into them. After one of several such run-ins, one girl said after a long silence, Yeah…it’s not awkward hanging out with you.

Course, some run-ins are very nice. Remember the curly-haired girl? She dropped me a very personal email of condolence regarding my grandmother. Had to stop reading it halfway cause it was so honest. She was always very sweet. Also, a beautiful girl I’ve not seen in a decade sent me the following: Don’t know why, but I’m not worried about you at all. I know very little about you but I know you’ll make it again.

It’s the random bits of kindness that help us through.

Speaking of which, yesterday, PCD and I took a walk around town after work. The weather was just perfect. Today, spent the day in a lawyer’s office for some litigation I’m a part of. Always impressive to see people that are good at their craft at work.

As I write this a friend just dumped his bad day on me. Man! That’s like the opposite of a random bit of kindness – it’s a random bit of here’s my crap, you deal with it. Don’t want someone else’s bad day – got enough of my own, dontcha think? Luckily, got my good moments too:

PCD: You just like her (Laura Wilkinson) because she’s old like you.
Me: OUCH!
Her: I’m kidding…
Me: Good.
Her: Yeah, you’re a lot older than her. (later) Hey, make a face like the monkey in the video.
Me: Why would I do that?
Her: Because you’re cute and monkeys are cute – it’s gestalt!

Thought it was a tautology but I think I’m wrong. Eh, it happens. Either way, smart girls’re hot.

Speaking of which…Heartgirl’s back tomorrow.

Location: 20:00 yest, Sido in the UWS
Mood: ticked-off
Music: hear the clock tick and think of you

My corner in and of the world

Happy Birthday!

 

No lie, this video chokes me up.

Sometimessome and I both agree that it’s often the foreigners, the outcasts, that love this country the most. I’ve been to other countries and young people that rant about the state and the past of this joint have got to travel somewhere and see how lucky we are here.

A dude named Anthony Walton once said that, America’s greatest strength, and its greatest weakness, is our belief in second chances, our belief that we can always start over, that things can be made better.

This country has treated my family well. Not by handouts (we took none) but by chances. We only ever wanted the chance. I’ve made so many horribly stupid, stupid mistakes in my life. And each time, it’s like I get another ticket to ride. Quite something, this joint.

I’m always forgiving people their stupid mistakes. Cause I want so badly to be forgiven mine.

This place suits me just right.

It’s a fantasy. The hope that my better day around the corner is at a corner in Germany. Or China. Elsewhere. Still, this is home.

Yeah, I wanna spend some time elsewhere. But I can’t imagine getting old anywhere else.

Happy Birthday.

Location: 15 mins ago, leaving a gin mill
Mood: sotted
Music: Let them say of me, I was one who believed

Dressing for success

Location: 03:00 yest, bumping into a friend on Broadway
Mood: mischievous
Music: Again and again and again, I think I will break but I mend

Me: Oh for…why would you ask that now?
Her: Well, you have low, or no, creepiness factor and you dress well. A girl’s gotta know.
Me: I would think by now, you’d have figured it out.
Her: You could be bi.
Me: Oh for…

Been doing the online dating thing. Four months ago, it was about 90% RL and 10% online, then it flipped (please don’t search for me, that’s just stalkerish and weird). Lately, it’s about 50/50.

Dating in general is tiring – the constant hellos and goodbyes. But like most things, on the net it happens faster; the disappointing and disappointments zip by and I don’t even have time to register them. Still meeting lots of pescatarians. Don’t ask.

This weekend, I took a break. Friday, stayed in, cooked, and watched a Law & Order marathon. Saturday fenced and then Paul and I saw CaptainRedStar and crew. Ran into L – twice in a week. Bumped into each other earlier Tuesday at Candyfiend‘s party. We’re always so busy.

On another point entirely, decided to act and dress my age. There’s a story there, but it’s for next time. Guess I gotta start shopping at the Gap or something.

The other part’s harder – how does a 34 year-old act?

Music Week Day 4 – Bedtime stories

Location: 20:00, locked out of my car and freezing in Queens
Mood: sotted
Music: they keep getting younger, Don’t they baby?

no mother ever thinks that her daughter’s gonna grow up to sleep alone.

I was listening to this song before I fell asleep one night and I had the strangest dream about a man who couldn’t sleep and woman who wouldn’t speak. I’d like to tell it to you.

If I can remember it all, I will.

I’ll add that to the list of things I’ve gotta do. I’m sorry for all of those of you that said you could help – I don’t think I can do the rum project. No time.

There’s never enough time these days.

Music Week Day 3 – Charm attack -ish

To continue from my last post:

Me: OK, I’ll meet your friend.
Cain: Wait, you know Logan has a strict catch and release policy, right?
Her: What does that…oh…
Me: Hey! (sighing) Nevermind…

Time: 500(ish) Days
Dates: 80(ish)
Relationships: 5(ish)
Shortest: 2 weeks
Longest: 4 months (4.5 if you count the recidivism)
Dates this week: 2
Batting average: 80:0

I’m 35 in two months. Cain thinks I’m self-sabotaging, my parents think I’m not getting any younger, friends Rain questions if I’m gay.

They all think I’m the guy that’s just passing by, but I’m not. I’m killing time.

I told you then, I’m waiting for my person.

I’m still waiting.

Location: 10:30 yest, queuing at the bank
Mood: creative
Music: Well, I’m no savior But I tried to save you

Music Week Day 2 – Not quite yet

Location: 15:30 & 19:00 yest, walking about the hood
Mood: disappointed
Music: you only want what everybody else says you should want

If you miss Freddie too, you’ll like this kid – he’s got pipes. Here’s another killer vid from him.

———-

Kemidra posted an interesting question in her blog and supported my parents’ theory that I’m attractive (bringing the total number of people that think that to three).

I wrote in my very first post that, for almost two decades, I wasn’t so much Logan as I was Loganandliz, or what have you – like Samanderic in Lord of the Flies. I was a unit as in: Let’s invite Loganandliz – they’re a cute couple!

It’s been 19 months and I gotta say, I like being single.

I don’t think you can have a good relationship with someone else if you’ve never fully fleshed out who you are. I mean what do you bring to the table if you’re defined by someone else?

Having said that, if I did meet the right girl at the right time for both of us, I’d stop being single in a heartbeat. Cause it doesn’t matter if you’re the disappointer or the diappointee – it’s fulla suck either way.

But sometimes, that’s how it’s gotta be. To quote St. Augustine again: da mihi castitatem et continentiam – sed noli modo

Give me chastity and continence – but not quite yet.

George

I went on a blind date with a very cool and attractive, brown-eyed girl today.

Me: After all my fish died, I bought a bunch more and named them all George.
Her: (quizzical look)
Me: (nodding slowly) They’re pretty upset over the whole matter, too.
Her: (laughs) You should get a goldfish and call him Token because he’ll be the token goldfish.
Me: Well now, that’s just silly.

Also met a bevy of lovely Christian girls at a party on Friday. Weird thing is that when I found out they were Christian, I slipped into anywhere but church mode.

It’s a mental block.

Location: 14:00 yest., the 66th Street Barnes & Noble
Mood: hopeful
Music: I don’t believe that you, you don’t believe in me

Mighty Forces in a Golden Cup

Basil King once said, Be bold – and mighty forces will come to your aid. I think this is true. Your friends, your family, yourself. It all comes together, somehow. Not perfectly, but it does.

It’s been 16 months since I became single. Seven months since the car accident. Three months since the theft. And I’m still here.

I drink a little more, I drive a little less and my clothes are exactly the same. But I’m still here.

Location: well, my mind’s elsewhere
Mood: hopeful
Music: I thought it out this very day. Noon upon the clock
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You and I know the reason why / Her

Location: 20:00 yest, caught in the rain
Mood: slightly less sick
Music: We’d spend our days travelin’

I fell in and out of imaginary love driving past 66th Street and Fifth Avenue. She was wearing jeans with a black hat, waiting for the light to change. She looked at me and we locked eyes. Just a moment really, but it seemed longer.

I dunno why, but I thew her a wink and she burst out laughing. So she blew me a kiss and waved as she crossed the street. I laughed by myself in my car. For a moment I thought about calling out to her but then I figured, why ruin a perfectly good moment?

The light changed anyway, as it always does so she and I blended back into the 8.2. Maybe it was her again – I still have her heart.

It’s finally Friday. I’m still sick but I think I’m good enough to have some red rum and daydream about Her and what might’ve been.

You don’t have

The Doc said I don’t have cancer

Doctor: You don’t have cancer. It’s a cyst, non-cancerous and it won’t become cancerous
Me: (sighing with relief) You have no idea how good it is to hear that.
Doctor: (laughing) I have some idea. Wear a cup when you work out and briefs in general.
Me: Who knew that I could have taken away somea this recent stress by wearing tighty-whities?

I almost wept when he said I didn’t have cancer. No lie. Score one for me. The only person I told in the whole world besides the docs was my brother. Secrets are lonely things.

For the male readers of this blog, you should know that: Although rare, testicular cancer is the most common form of cancer in men between the ages of 20 and 34.2. Take that under advisement.

It only took five visits, three months, three doctors, three urine tests, two blood tests and one ultra-sound to find out. To celebrate, I made myself a burger on whole wheat. No ketchup, mayo.

I’m sick with a cold but that I can handle. Sorry for the scare; I was up all night worrying.

Crazy right? Just madness…

Location: 7:20, sitting next to a pretty girl
Mood: sick
Music: All my friends say that of course it’s gonna get better