Still Shaky

My insomnia is getting to me

Looked for Selene in the blue sky today. I didn’t see her.

I know I’ve picked up a bunch of new readers and I’m sorry that I’m not more entertaining at the moment.

My insomnia and hand shaking has returned with a vengeance, recent events – both open and secret – have kinda brought me down.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful I’m alright. Very.

The hand of God is in all things.

But I sometimes I feel like I take a step forward and two steps back all the time, you know?

Do you know where the word, tantalize comes from? There’s this myth where this dude Tantalus, cursed to be thirsty, bends to a stream to drink, only to have it recede just beyond reach. Cursed to be hungry, reaches for an apple, and the branches pull back.

Never go more than a week without a sleepless night. Last week, I slept. Last night, it started again. It’s ever the same. Two weeks now. I know it.

I hate it.

And it’s killing me bit by bit. Absolutely…breaking me.

Not at once. Just a little at a time.

OK, I’ll stop. Emo – just learned the term recently. Sorry. Working through a few things.

Above, the ever popular and lovely KT Tunstall again for your entertainment.

You cannot buy love. You cannot buy sleep. But red, red rum…that you can have for $10 a glass. And YouTube is free.

Friday the 13th. Of course.

I’ll be back on Monday after I’ve bent some time.

See you then.

Location: my red couch
Mood: still freaked out
Music: And now I’ve got a hole for the world to see

Always Dreaming

I dream a lot, but I’m not a very good sleeper

 

But I don’t want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can’t help that, said the Cat, we’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad.
How do you know I’m mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.

Sometimes I have nice dreams.

Unfortunately, it’s rare because of my insomnia – and when I’m awake, I feel like I’m sleepwalking. But I daydream a lot.

And sometimes, my daydreams are just as real and just as nice when I’m up as when I sleep. I spend a lot of time in my head, you see.

An ex once told me that when she and I lived in the same neighborhood, she used to walk to my building, sit on my stoop, and whisper, Come out, come out…let’s have some fun.

The times I did randomly come out, she thought she had magic.

In my head, she doesn’t hate me, and I don’t hate myself, for how I treated her.

And, in my head, my other ex is wrong and my insides do match my outsides.

But you can never change what another person does or thinks. Only yourself. I know that.

Still, being ambulatory for 18 hours a day means that I spend a lot of time there. In my head, I mean.

I know, I know – what if I get stuck there? I suppose large polite men in clean white coats will take me away. Funny, sometimes I think I’m just one more sleepless night away from that. I’ve been up for…I don’t know how long now…

Hey, you’d visit me, yeah?

Shake your head with that, “Oh, so sad, he had so much promise,” look on your face before you shuffle off?

But sometimes I wonder, which way is worse.

Because, you see, in my head, I’m quite happy.

Michel Gondry said, I dream a lot, but I’m not a very good sleeper.

I love that. The knowing that it’s not just me.

Come out, come out…let’s have some fun…

Location: physically, an ugly hotel bed in 14202, mentally…
Mood: awake
Music: one more, you’re nuts

72nd to Canal Episode 1 – Part 4

The last episode of our webseries


Had a really late night (again). Scrambling to catch up. Insanely busy.

Last part of 72nd to Canal above – so sad. Pimp us!

Met a designer as well as a writer last night. Interesting. The writer’s a non-NJ, non-pescetarian/vegetarian, local girl that’s under 5’7″.

Well now, wonder what that means?

No time to figure it out now.

Location: @3AM, on 5th Ave and 48th Street
Mood: insanely busy
Music: Shucks, for me there is no other You’re the only shoe that fits
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72nd to Canal Episode 1 – Part 3

I’m good for other things. “Like what?” she asked.


Thanks to everyone for watching our 72nd to Canal and spreading the word. We really appreciate it!

Met three women tonight at a party I went to with Hazel. One is a story for much later, if at all. The other two:

Brooklyngirl
Her: She your girlfriend?
Me: No dear, I love someone who doesn’t love me.
Her: Whoa, that’s a lot of…(hic).
Me: Excuse me?
Her: Sorry, I have the hiccups.
So, because I was pretty lit, I put my rum down, turned and kissed her.
Her: (surprised) Why’d you do that?
Me: Are the hiccups gone?
Her: (pause, laughing) Yes.
Me: Well then, you can buy me another rum then.

Dancergirl
Me: So you’re from New Jersey? Are you a vegetarian?
Her: I’ve NEVER been asked that before. No, but would it matter?
Me: (shrugging) Not even close.
Her: So what’s your story?
Me: I’m a pretty, straight boy in NYC looking to drink until I forget things. You?
Her: (thinking) I’m a pretty, straight girl in NYC looking to drink. Buy me one?
Me: No. I’m not that guy. But I’m good for other things.
Her: Like what?

I would say more but let’s leave it to your imagination.

Location: about to get ready to run in park
Mood: sleepy
Music: If I don’t get some shelter, oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away
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72nd to Canal Episode 1 – Part 2

Let’s have a code, you and I

Met a nice girl recently. She lives…quite far away. Thus, no shiny future for the two us. Sad, really.

Still, another pretty friend in the world is nothing to shake a stick at.

And we both know that I’m the type of guy just that’ll just up and go someday.

Let’s have a code, you and I; should I ever just leave suddenly, I’ll post Gone Fishing!

Nothing else.

Then you’ll know.

You’ll know I cashed in those miles, packed my bags, sold the car, gave away Harold and the fish, and left. I’d be elsewhere.

Actually, I’d bring Harold.

I think he’d like to see the world too.

Location: nowhere special
Mood: cloudy
Music: I’m tired of whys choking on whys Just need a little because
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72nd to Canal Episode 1 – Part 1

Out and about every night

Going to post a lot this week because of 72nd to Canal. If you can help us pimp it out in any way, that’d be much appreciated.

Above is Episode 1, part 1 – the rest are coming along.

Had quite the weekend; I was out every night except for Sunday. Saturday, I was at the same roof-deck, with the same friends as in one of my very first posts. Wow, I was chatty then. No rum, so I got a little sick. That, and I think I ate my body weight in carbs.

Sunday, I ran into an old friend I’d not seen in years after church. He’s the fourth guy I know going through a breakup. Must be something in the NYC water supply.

Or maybe, like I thought, it’s just spring cleaning.

I was wrong, this summer is a lot like last summer.

This week, I’ve got plans every night single night of the week. Some professional, mostly just social.

Well, at least I’m not bored.

Location: my own apartment, thankfully
Mood: exhausted
Music: I can’t seem to get you off my mind
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72nd to Canal Promo #4 – Comic Books


I’m still traveling.

I was in charge of finding a place to screen 72nd to Canal and I wasn’t having much luck:

Him: Are you sure?
Me: Of course I’m sure, I passed the bar exam in one shot! I have a JD! I’m an ivy league grad! I think I know how to make a phone call.
Him: (pause) You know you gotta dial a (1) first…
Me: Are you even listening to me?
Him: Did it ring?
Me: (pause) You know I have to kill you now.

Location: I’d rather not say.
Mood: tired
Music: I find myself shaking in the middle of the night

What to do?

72nd to Canal promo: Abraham Lincoln

Long post. I come to you with questions. But first, some background:

Her: Do you only date non-asians?
Me: (puzzled) Most the women I’ve dated have been Asians. In fact, I’ve only dated two four that weren’t. I’m equal opportunity.
Him: Yeah, everyone deserves an opportunity to be miserable with Logan.

With nods to Mylai, I have FOUR weddings to go to in the next two months and I’ve already RSVP-ed with a date as…oh, I’d rather not say, it’s complicated. Anyway, questions for you – answers will be much appreciated (really, I wanna know):

  1. Should I call and tell them all that I’m going stag? Inevitably, I’ll have to say at least 12 times: “I’d rather not say, it’s complicated.”
  2. Should I just bring someone? Pro: no questions. Con: You read this blog, use your imagination. I’m reluctant to bring a friend because weddings are big deals – especially these weddings (man, reading this, I am an idiot).
  3. Unrelated to the above, am I updating this blog too much? I’ve had RIDICULOUS insomnia these days.
  4. Are you enjoying these teasers/promos?

We’ve got a crapload of them coming your way.

Location: @12PM yesterday, hurtling up Route 9A
Mood: disappointed
Music: baby don’t waste your time I know what’s on your mind

72nd to Canal – Teaser 3

Another commercial for our webisodes

The title of this clip is called Helen Keller.

We filmed this on Sunday and you wanna know the crazy thing? I walked almost six miles from 86th and Broadway to Canal Street and Broadway to meet up with Rain to film this.

Just had to get out, I guess.

Stop by on Saturday the 19th to watch a sneak preview of the show with us – you can find details and buy advance tickets for $5 by visiting www.72canal.com.

We’ll watch the show, have some rum and a few laughs.

You will come, won’t you?

They have rum.

Location: @7PM yesterday, getting hired on the UWS
Mood: pleased
Music: everything i own, smells of you

Bad Robot…bad

Robots and computers always turn evil. Always.

One thing I do share with my buddy Rain is his irrational suspicions of robots. As he noted, Honda has come up with a robot that runs. Look at this little bugger go!

Man, have we as a collective learned nothing from the likes of the Terminator Trilogy, a Space Odyssey or Battlestar Galatica?!

Between this and global warming, we are totally screwed.

Robots and computers always turn evil. Always.

Unless they’re hot like Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner.

That’s ok.
Location: at home working
Mood: sad
Music: lost without u can’t help myself