Wish I never was

Location: my pad
Mood: sotted
Music: wanna hear those sugar bells ring Wish me, love, a wishing well

NYC Times Square

Paul just left. We were in our fencing class and he stopped by for some rum. He just became friends with an ex of mine on Facebook; hadn’t thought about her in a while. Mainly cause I remember what a lout I was to her and what she did to get back at me. Probably deserved a lotta it, if not all.

My hands don’t shake as much these days. In fact, can’t remember when they last shook cause I get more sleep these days.

My sister came by the other night while I was making a ton of food (chili, of course) and slept right through the racket I was making. There’s this saying that a clear conscience’s the best pillow. It’s a silly thing to be jealous of but I am.

Do you think I write all of this cause I’m vain? Doesn’t really matter, I guess. But parta why I write is cause I’ve made made some dreadful mistakes and wouldn’t want anyone to repeat them.

Y’ever see Le Retour de Martin Guerre or Sommersby? It’s about a guy that’d rather be hung as a criminal than ever be the man he once was. It’s based on a true story. I get it.

Cause a sound night’s sleep’s the reward for good people that do good things. And people like me? Man, we just lie awake with our terrible things, wishing we did things differently.

Him: Nah. You can’t wish that.
Me: Why not? Never wanna be that guy again.
Him: Cause you woulda never been the guy you are now, if you weren’t the guy you once were.

YASYCTAI: You should say you’re sorry. If only for yourself. (10 mins/2 pts)



Sunset over Hobboken

Caribbean beach

It’s 20090125. My vacation’s over. Got some rest. Happy Chinese New Year.

Chicken crossing the road in the Caribbean

It’s 20090124. Pulled into port early. Too tired and dead to walk so I hop a cab to my pad with enough rum to supply a navy. It’s 22 degrees. Water Harold. Say Hi to George. They’re silent but I think they missed me. 212 emails. Damn email. Wrestle. Stumble to a party at Gio’s where I meet a 22 year old French girl. No lie, ask Paul. But I’ve the girlie I want most so smile politely and stumble home. Just before I go, see a buddy get her digits. Someone’s always playing the game.

It’s 20090122/23. Spend two days at sea. Which sounds like a chore but there’s this German saying that goes, Gutes Gespraech kuerzt den Weg. Season 1 of Dexter doesn’t hurt either.

Chicken crossing the road in the Caribbean

It’s 20090121. Arrive in Tortola. It’s 84 degrees. Not much to see so after 45 minutes, walk back. Another day, another sandy beach, but learned why the chicken crossed the road, and almost bought this. Didn’t. Got some sun on a deck before we headed home. Over dinner, Heartgirl and I discuss religion. Wanted to tell her that Blaise Pascal once said that Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. Didn’t get the chance. But it’s true and a good quote, so I’m telling you.

PiƱa colada and Rum Punch in the Caribbean

It’s 20090120. Arrive in St. Martin to go SNUBA-ing. Didn’t cause the diver said visibility sucked; cool dude – most guys woulda taken our dough and taken us for a ride. So we had three rum drinks, a Clara and an argument instead. No little umbrellas, though. Crashed the Hilton beach by the sea where I got crashed into some rocks by the sea.

It’s 20090118. Arrive in Antigua. Not much to see, so after 15 minutes, walk back. If I ever did drugs, this would be my place. But I don’t; I do rum. Note to self: See a rum factory. Another day, another sandy beach. Got a new camera a while ago. Sorry. Meant to introduce her: Clara. Learned to play 500 Rummy and taught Heartgirl how to play ChoDaiDi.

NCL Gem in St. Thomas Caribbean

It’s 20090117. Arrive in St. Thomas. It’s 76 degrees. The waters are a blue that you can only imagine. They’ve mobile service there so I ring up my brother who’s trying to figure out his love life. Someone’s always playing the game. 37 emails. Damn email. Sit by the salty sea and watch the elusive NJ Hoochie Mama perform her mating dance. The target NJ Guido isn’t impressed and takes flight.

It’s 20090115/16. Spend two days at sea. We wake up every morning at 6AM, have breakfast (carbs), work out, and eat a second breakfast (protein). There’s this saying that goes: Good conversation shortens the travel. Sounds better in German. Found out today that, round where we left yesterday, a pilot landed a plane on the water. Good. NYC deserves some win.

Deck of the cruise ship leaving the UWS docks

It’s 20090114. Water Harold. Say Bye to George. They’re silent but I think they’ll miss me. Zero out my emails. Damn email. Too awake and alive to take a cab so I walk to the docks on the UWS with my bags in tow, dreaming of rum drinks with little umbrellas. It’s 17 degrees.

It’s 20090113. My vacation begins tomorrow. Hope I get some rest.

Location: the rents for the holiday
Mood: ready
Music: My city or mountains Stay with me


Swept Away

Location: my living room
Mood: cautious
Music: I know exactly how he feels

Nantes, France, at dusk.

: You’ll meet her Friday – don’t tell me what you think of her.
Him: Don’t tell you?
Me: No. Cause I think she’s amazing and don’t wanna hear it any other way.

Friday was Paul’s B-day so we headed down to our usual joint. Some shots, some rum, some conversation. The usual NYC twirl. Bumped into a curly-haired blond downtown and she said “Excuse you,” with a big toothy smile. I smiled back politely but slipped out the door with Heartgirl by 1AM.

Her: Your friends are nice. I can see why you’re friends with them. That’s not always the case.
Me: I’m 35. (pause) Got ridda mosta the jerks by now.

Spent mosta Saturday and all of Sunday by myself. Me time is always a good time. Chatted with PCD online for a bit.

PCD: You’re like an imaginary person now.
Me: I find that both funny and sad. Why is that?
Her: Because we aren’t real life friends
Me: Because we never see each other? (thinking) I try to see things from Heartgirl’s point of view, if there was a guy she liked a lot and saw him regularly, I’d be a little peeved. (pause) She knows I’d never cheat on her. But I also told her that you were kind and good and that kind and good people we should keep around. I do consider us real friends.
Her: I know. Just have a fun vacation, ok?


Her: I kind of feel that I…I just got swept up in my own life. How weird is that? To get swept away by your own life?

At the party, met a friend that was easing into single life as I was easing out. One minute, I’m 27 and walking outta the Harbor Hotel in Beijing to a waiting car wearing Valentino and a Speedmaster. The next minute, I’m 33 and out both a girlfriend and all of my scratch. Then the next hot minute, I’m here. Telling my secrets to reeds and strangers. And thinking of a girlie I didn’t know existed before 4/7/2008.

The problem with being half-asleep all of time is that reality and dreams blur. There’ve been plenty of times I thought something was something, but just turned out to be a lotta nuthin. Kinda wonder if this’ll all just turn out to be nuthin at all. Man…that would suck.

Me: Yeah, I know what you mean.


Supposed to be the coldest weather here in NYC in 15 years. But I’m leaving this week for sunnier climates and’ll, thankfully, miss it.

I’ll write when I can.

YASYCTAI: Get ridda mosta your jerks. Screw em. (time/3 pts)


Mental Health Break

Location: 17:00 yest, finding parking on CPW
Mood: hyper
Music: blinked my eyes and you were in flight But I did not move, I just watched you fly away

Logan Lo in front of the Washington Monument

Onea the things we saw in DC was a section on bomb shelters. Submit that my parents could outlast yours in a nuclear disaster. No snub against your rents, rather a testament to the hoarding abilities of my, curiously small, forbears.

Know this cause I stayed over the other night and woke up hungry so poked around their pantry. That alone should give you an idea of what we’re talking about; who has an actual pantry these days?

Lemme tell you who – my parents.

Let’s just talk about the 100 packages of ramen there: at 536 calories each, comprised of mainly fat, white flour, and sugar, that’s 53,600 calories, or enough to keep them each alive for 22 days. That’s just the ramen. There’s also the 10 pounds of instant oatmeal, the two 50-pound bags of rice, and the two dozen boxes of spaghetti – they don’t even eat spaghetti!

They also have three, count em, three refrigerators. Three.

Some people hoard gold. Some fine art. My parents? Complex carbohydrates. God love em. Did I mention the three iceboxes?

Though y’didn’t ask, ended up cooking a frozen pepperoni pizza for four and killed it myself. Before you judge, also had an orange. Don’t tell Heartgirl as she’s ill prepared for how I eat.

In other news, after the tease of a weekend in DC, decided to blow what little coin I’ve left on a vacation in some warmer latitude. First one in over a year.

Perhaps not the most fiscally sound decision, but then again, I’m down six-figures and have a belly fulla processed cheese, so the heck with it.

Let’s call it a mental health break, yeah?


YASYCTAI: Plan a mental health break of your own. (120 mins/1 pt)


My first days of 2009

Location: 15:15 yest, Grand Hyatt, Washington DC
Mood: cranky
Music: tell them I’m fine and to show I’ve overcome the blow

Rosslyn Metro Station in Washington DC

New Year’s, had dinner with Heartgirl by mine. Ate so much that we had to leave at 23:30 to get into our fat clothes – and by “we/our,” I mean, “me/my.” But she’s a trooper. Saw the ball drop on the big screen and promptly passed out.

New Year’s day, stayed in and mostly digested but we did see Slumdog Millionaire. See it.

Friday, was on the way to see Ricky Wong and a buddy at a bar downtown when I saw a guy playing a piano on the platform in the subway station – not a keyboard, a full-on piano. Took out camera and started taking pics. When other people saw me snapping, they did as well – about 10 people all snapping pics of this dude that somehow managed to drag a piano into Union Square Station. At the bar, sat next to Jason Patric who was sucking face with some chick.

No place like NYC.

But, on Saturday, hopped into the whip with Heartgirl to go to Washington DC where we didn’t see any pianos on any of their stations. Stayed at the Grand Hyatt – nicest hotel I’ve stayed at in over two years. Note to self: buy an apartment that can fit a queen-sized bed make some scratch. Had a dinner of tapas at La Tasca where I discovered that I love tapas.

Sunday, saw the American History portion of the Smithsonian and went to the Spy Museum. When in Spy Museum, see the exhibits but avoid the interactive game, Operation Spy. You’ll thank me. Were too tired for dinner so got some sandwiches and ate on the 11th floor lobby balcony.

Monday, hopped back into the whip and took off for home. It’s PCD’s birthday, should give her a call to wish her well, but it’s late. Sure we’ll talk soon.

S’funny – used to wanna call the ex to tell her that I survived the blow. But stopped caring enough ages ago to ever bother.

Washington DC’s nice. Not as nice as NY. But nice.

So, 2009…

Lobby of the Grand Hyatt in Washington DC; view from 11th Floor
Guy playing the piano on a NYC subway platform; Union Square, 14th Street
Spanish Tapas at XXXX, in Washington DC
Heartgirl and Logan Lo

YASYCTAI: Go to a museum. Cause you just should. (90 mins/2 pts)