Month: April 2018

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The earth from the sun

Family

Her: It’s the 24th. Are you ok?
Me: No. But I fake it well.

Brought the kid to a playdate at a church this morning on the 24th. Some of the people there read my blog, which is heartening.

I’m writing this drinking beer of all things.

Mainly cause I’m outta rum. I hate the 24th.

My cousin’s probably been the biggest support for me this past year. It’s funny because we’re so different in age – she was always my kid cousin – but she insisted on coming by on my birthday so it wasn’t just me. She also took me out to eat along with her boyfriend to an all-you-can-eat Brazilian steakhouse recently.

Me: I’m not sure I’m up for it.
Her: It’s all you can eat steak! And it’s on me. Steak!
Me: This is compelling…

I don’t think I have a pic with just me and her. That’s her brother up there with me.

Gotta remember to take a pic with her.

Speaking of family, someone I know uses the word “family” all the time to talk about his business – and there’s a group of people, my included, that suspect he doesn’t understand what the word means.

He really means, acquaintance which is about four levels below friends.

Family, you can’t get rid of, even if you wanted to. At a minimum, it’s difficult. He has no problem cutting people out and people have no problem cutting him out.

I find it sad he can’t tell the difference.

Another old friend friend told me once that good family is like a balloon that lifts you up. She told me that her family was like an anchor. She had to change her name and move across the country to get away from them.

Still, I was able to see a lot of friends this month who are almost like family in many regards. They’ve all managed to keep me together in some fashion.

Him: When you’re ready for a cruise, you let me know. We’ll set something up.
Me: Oh man, thanks. I need to get away from everything.

And the college friends had a birthday party for one of their wives.

As great as they all are, though, family is always something different from friends. Something special.

That’s why I dread May so much. It’s when I lost my family.

The truth is, you can’t lose family without losing part of your soul. Family is as far from acquaintance as the earth is from the sun.

I miss my family.

And all I got for company this 24th is this goddamn swill beer.

It’s good, though, that if I needed company, I’d have friends to come and keep me afloat.

Him: Do you wanna play?
Me: No. You guys play. I’ll take a pic.

Location: in front of can of PBR
Mood: rough
Music: in my tomorrow, all the fields are golden

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It’s all gotta mean something

Putting up some artwork

Back when I was a bachelor, my old roomie Cain somehow scaled one double height wall to put up a painting hanger. After he moved out, and took the painting that was there, I bought this canvas Campari and put it up. You can see it in the background of this entry.

Alison was never a fan of the canvas but we kept it up because we didn’t have anything better. Always thought that I’d put up something like a picture I took of the W Hotel in Hoboken, because that’s where I asked her to marry me.

Never got a chance to do that.

But I decided that I wanted the things around the kid to mean something. It’s all gotta mean something.

So I gave my brother a ring and asked him to edit two pics for me. The first was that picture I was talking about.

The second was a quote I told my son in a letter a little while back.

Perhaps someday the kid’ll ask me what both pictures mean and I can sit down and tell him.

There’s so much I need to tell him.

Don't be afraid.

The Gymgirl and I are talking again. Kinda.

Her: Can you help me with something?
Me: Sure.
Her: (later) You’re the best ex-boyfriend I’ve got.
Me: (laughing) That’s really what I’m going for.

Brought the old Campari canvas down to another gym buddy downtown. Almost got blown away by the wind. It’s in that cardboard box behind us.

She’s a lot lighter than me. Hopefully, she won’t go airborne. If she does, and you see her, try to grab her before she gets too high.

Oh crap. I’ve run outta rum.

On a business related front, a lecture I gave on the GDPR the other day is currently available for free on Lawline. It’s one of their top rated programs with 97% positive rating and over 232 completions.

If you want to watch it for free, it available for the next six days via this link.

Location: in front of my last glass of rum
Mood: sick
Music: my love, it’s raging high inside

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Logan’s 45

Another health scare


Had my own health scare the other day, on top of the cracked teeth and everything else. My left eye suddenly went blurry for no reason and stayed that way for a bit.

My brother – poor guy has to field all my goddamn medical issues – told me to go see a doctor.

Man, I should really stop calling him and just go straight to the doctor.

Went over to the same medemerge I just wrote about before. The same one that I brought Alison and the Gymgirl to.

The doc there said that she didn’t see anything that made her worry enough to send me to the ER but told me to see an eye doctor.

Wanna know my honest-to-god first thought?

Maybe I’ll see Alison and my dad again.

And my second thought was: Whoa, I gotta be ok. I gotta raise the boy.

It scared me because those two thoughts should be reversed.

I’m tired, you see. Life is tiring.

Feel like a copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy again. I wanna raise the kid but I also wanna go see Alison and my dad and call it a day. Not that I have any faith any more.

Then again, the hope is that there are things that’ll make me wanna stay beyond raising the kid someday.

Suppose that’s always the cause and cure for all human suffering: Hope.

The hope that things might be better tomorrow.

Was thinking about that around this time 11 years ago and every day since. I’m still wondering what it all means.

Gymgirl: I was thinking of seeing you on your birthday.
Me: I’m all for that.
Her: Well, really, I was coming over for a sushi boat. (pause) Let me rephrase that: To treat you to a sushi boat and end up eating most of it myself.
Me: Works for me.

I just turned 45.

The past few birthdays have been horrific, for obvious reasons. It’s a low bar, but still, I hope that this one’ll be better?

Anyway, wish me a happy birthday, alla you bastards that read me and never say anything.

Me: Have you ever seen, “About a Boy?”
Gymgirl: No, what’s it about?
Me: …a boy?

Location: in front of a thermometer and a sick boy
Mood: curious
Music: I have lived ten years plus ten and ten and ten again. I have seen too much to pretend

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Cannot believe I’m back here (again)

The only luck I have is the kind no one wants


Went to the ER again last week. This time was for Nate.

I’d just written out the last blog entry and gone to bed when I heard him make this awful groaning/coughing sound.

Literally leapt out of bed and almost killed myself getting to his room. When I got there, he was shaking like crazy and making that sound.

Prior to Alison getting sick, prided myself on being pretty cool under pressure but hearing him sound like that and realizing that I was alone, I panicked.

Called my brother – a doctor – and asked him what to do. He just said bring him to the ER.

Not knowing what else to do, I called Gymgirl and asked her to speak to my brother and ABFF and ran out into the street where I nearly killed both of us trying to hail a cab.

Driver: Are you crazy?! You have baby! I should..
Me: (leaping in and fussing with straps) Drive us to the hospital, now!
Driver: (eyes widen and nods) Roosevelt?
Me: Yeah. F____king Roosevelt. (still looking at son) Sorry, kid. You’re gonna be ok. Papa’s here. (try to get seatbelt on)
Baby: (coughs)

And off we went to the goddamn ER for the millionth f____king time.

After getting there and going through everything, they put us two beds away from where they put me and Alison when we first went. Felt my broken heart break again.

We finally saw a doctor who asked a buncha questions and do a buncha exams. Presently, he said that the kid had croup.

Doctor: It’s really common and rarely complicates.
Me: Dude, the only luck I have is the kind no one wants.

Then he gave the boy the exact same steroid that Alison used to take. And those broken pieces of my heart fell into my shoes.

Me: Great.
Him: He’ll feel much better afterward.
Me: (reluctantly nodding) Yeah. Do it.

Nauseated, I got up and went to the bathroom. Walked all the way down to a bathroom I’d been to a few times previously. Didn’t retch this time. When I got out, a nurse was holding the kid who pointed at me and screamed:

Him: Daddy, pee-pee! Daddy, pee-pee!

And then he clapped, because that’s what I do while potty training.  The entire floor turned to look at me and I couldn’t help but laugh.

Me: Thanks, kid.

My brother checked in on us. Then I called the Gymgirl, who lives in Brooklyn, to apologize for waking and scaring her.

Her: It’s fine. I’m in the car going to you.
Me: We’ll just take a cab. I’m sorry, I didn’t know who else to call.
Her: I’m already in Manhattan. I’ll wait for you out front.

It was 2AM when we were finally discharged. And she was sitting in a car outside, waiting for the two of us. After I strapped in – parenting is a lotta fussing with straps – she drove us home, came in, and helped me put him to bed.

Her: He’ll be fine, Logan.
Me: I hope so. (thinking) It’s late. You could stay if you wanted.
Her: (shaking head) I have to bring the car back. (thinking) Why did you make it look like it was nothing for me to leave him in your blog? You and I both know it wasn’t. But you and he are a package deal. So…
Me: (interrupting) I know. I’m sorry. (pause) Thanks. For everything.
Her: I would do anything for him.
Me: I know. I’m sorry about how everything went down. For what it’s worth, you’re my favorite.
Her: (sighing) Go get some rest, Logan.

She left and I shut the gate behind her.

There’s more, of course, but this is all I wanted say on it.

Went into the boy’s room and gently put my hand on his back.

Me: (whispering) Thank you for being ok.

Location: in front of more rum
Mood: worried
Music: don’t know how to fix it now. Sorry, I’m not perfect 

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Catching up around the way

It’s an improvement


There’s been an unceasing parade of people through my neighborhood and door since my first post this week.

Kinda feel like people are taking this opportunity to catch up with me since so many haven’t really seen me in years what with all the things that went on with the kid and Alison.

Her: How are you?
Me: Utterly craptastic, you?
Her: I’m sorry.
Me: (shrugging) Honestly, it’s an improvement over my usual suicidally depressed nature last year.

My cousin stopped by to help watch the kid and, god love her, gave me just some terrible advice that I took.

Me: Dude, you were so, so, so, so wrong.
Her: Yeesh….well here are some adorable pics of your son to make you feel better.

They were adorable pics and it all worked out anyway. See above and below.

Then several guys from my gym stopped by for lunch and to meet finally my son.

Me: (to son) The first two guys you can talk to but avoid that guy.
Him: Hey, I’m great with kids. (turning to son) Right?

They brought Cuban Chinese food and I provided some really cheap beer.

Him: Rolling Rock and PBR? Man, you weren’t kidding when you said it was crappy beer.
Me: I need to get back to work and make some scratch. (looking at the food) And I told you guys, don’t get the Chinese food there. It’s terrible. (The Cuban food is excellent)
Him: Don’t worry, it’s for Andy and he’s not here yet so he doesn’t know.

And then another friend called me out for a late lunch and to bring me to her friend’s townhouse to check out what $15 million buys you in Manhattan. Amongst other things, a kitchen bigger than my apartment and a cool shaft where you send up and down wine.

Her: We’re wondering if we should put in a pool or sauna in the basement.
Me: Heck, do both. I’ll come over when it’s done.

Still another buddy has been texting me about all the stuff all of us are dealing with as we’re getting older. The texts culminated in this, which made me literally laugh out loud:

All of this woulda been fine except the kid – who normally sleeps like a brick – has been waking up in the middle of the night and needing a change. So I’ve been getting about four hours of sleep a night.

Plus I’ve been scrambling to have a sitter because both my regular and the Gymgirl are out. That means it’s just me and the kid, oftentimes.

Speaking of Gymgirl, spoke to her late the other night just to tie up some things. While that was great, for various reasons, it didn’t help the sleeping issues at all.

Man, I wish her every good thing.

As for me, I wish everything about my life were different. Every single goddamn thing.

Except the kid. He’s perfect. He’s my perfect little guy.

If only he’d sleep a little better.

Heck, if only I’d…

Location: Utopia Diner at 2PM
Mood: sleepless in the UWS
Music: We can change or part ways, and you take what you need

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Sewer

Massol Dental and My Mom

A little while ago, when Alison was in the ER for the umpteenth time, two buddies of mine showed up despite my telling them not to.

I think that most of my friends must have read that because my Facebook and email exploded after my last post with people wanting to meet up.

It was flattering but I told them all that I was busy with the kid, which is the truth.

But even then: Three people are swinging by while the kid’s asleep this week, another friend came by already, the ABFF told me she was stopping by as well, and this sweet girl – who’s also a pro-fighter – from my new gym wrote me this really upbeat message. Some of the mothers I know also boosted my ego as well:

Her: When you’re ready to date again, I have someone for you.
Me: This *just* happened!
Her: I didn’t even know you were dating again when you told me that you were exclusive with Gymgirl! Anyway, what are your thoughts on pharmacists?
Me: They give me drugs, what’s there not to like?

Of course, all this was balanced out by my mom:

Her: You’re single again?
Me: Yeah, it’ll be fine, I’ve been…
Her: Oh no! Can you function by yourself? What about the baby?
Me: Thanks, mom. (nodding slowly) That’s just what I needed right now.

Speaking of my mom, she sent this to my brother (in blue) recently, who sent it to me with a title: I’m. 46. Years. Old.

Told my brother that it doesn’t matter how big the kid gets, he’s always gonna be my little guy.

On that note, I had to scramble to find someone to take care of the kid while I went to the dentist for a final fix. Ending up having my cousin from the Cornell trip come by.

Me: Have you ever taken care of a kid while he’s being potty trained?
Her: (dismissively) I have two dogs. It’ll be fine.
Me: I literally have nothing to say about that.

The dentist is actually the wife of another friend of mine from the gym: Massol Dental, NYC. Honestly, it was the nicest dentist’s office I’d ever been to – much better than my usual dental joints. It felt kinda like a spa but with teeth drills.

She was amazingly nice and I probably spent way too much time pestering her for childrearing advice because she has sons, while most of the people from my daily life have daughters.

Me: I didn’t know parenting would be so gross.
Her: Oh, it’s gonna be gross for a long time.
Me: (nodding) OK, good to know.

Eventually, she got to the task at hand.

Me: You’re lovely, really, but I hate being here.
Dentist: We get that all the time. Open wide…
Assistant: (later) Do you want to hold these [foam stress relievers]? They’re for children but…
Me: (mouth numb, nodding) Sewer.
Her: Here you go.

I’m 45 in less than a week but I got a birthday cake today after all.

OK, my mom may have a point…

Location: earlier today, a plush leather dentist’s chair
Mood: amused
Music: you can’t get what you want, but you can get me

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What’s there to celebrate?

I’m dull and vicious again


This blog has always been about people entering and leaving my Venn Diagram. Although some the leavings have changed dramatically  – and horrifically – in the past few years.

Gymgirl’s dropped out of this story; there’s more but that’s her story to tell.

Friend: You seem more upset about it than others in the past.
Me: Well, it’s my birthday next week, and it was more abrupt and random than usual.
Her: You should be one to talk about leaving people abruptly and randomly.

A lot’s going on in my life that I’m trying to get a handle on, least of which is that I’m turning 45 soon. It sounds so weird as I write it. Never thought I’d be single at 45, mainly because I was married and thought that was it for me.

I wanted it to be it for me.

But I’m going into 45 alone. Had a couplea people ask to do something and I’m honestly not sure. What’s there to celebrate?

Did see some friends over the weekend to watch the fights. And ate a lot more than I shoulda.

Him: How much chicken did you just eat?
Me: Clearly, not enough.

Probably drank a lot more than I should have as well.

Him: You should stop drinking.
Me: You’ve never said that to me in all our nights out before. So, I’ll stop.
Him: Good.

And I’m still me, as broken as ever.

Me: So what line of work are you in?
Her: I teach paddleboarding on the Hudson.
Me: (sighing) I have to sterilize everything you’ve touched now.
Her: (laughing) What? Why?
Me: Cooties, obviously.

Actually, it’s not true that I’m going into 45 alone. I have the kid. The kid’s enough. Dunno how anyone could ever leave that face.

Picked him up early from my mom on Sunday, despite little-to-no sleep, because I wanted to see that face so.

Me: Where we going?
Him: Home. Home. (smiles) [Gymgirl’s name]?
Me: (shaking head) No. It’s just you and me, kid. I’m sorry. We both really liked her, I know. Is it…is it ok if it’s just me again?
Him: Yesh. Yesh. (nods deeply then points at mouth) Eat. Eat.
Me: (laughing) That’s my boy. You and me against the world, right?
Him: Yesh. (touches my mouth) Eat.
Me: (nods)

Location: in front of a glass of rum and amaretto
Mood: dull and vicious
Music: the lovers and the lonely, start to whisper all about me

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Travelogue: Cornell University 2018, Day 2.5, 3.0

The food pic entry


Gymgirl and I were planning on eating dinner by ourselves the last night we were there but my cousins and their friends were all pretty easygoing and cool so we just ended up eating with them again.

Ras: No more buffets!
Me: I’m all about quantity over quality.

Alison was always into tapas – I never had any until she introduced me to them. By luck, everyone wanted to have that for dinner. So we went to Just a Taste, which was still packed with a 30 minute waiting list despite all the other restaurants being empty.

We figured that was a good sign.

Because Alison and I have had tapas so often, I did most of the ordering although some of her favourite dishes – Pan con Tomate and Croquetas de Jamón weren’t available.

But other things that she loved like Patatas Bravas were available so I ordered those plus we had two carafes of sangria for alla us.

Afterwards, Young and I started talking.

Him: I’m still hungry.
Me: We should get a sandwich for dessert.
Ras: You’re having meat for dessert?
Me: If we’re lucky!

We ended up going to a Jimmy Johns and ordering and splitting a Gargantuan.

The next day, we woke up, packed, and started heading back but not before having some Vietnamese food first.

Once again, I was so hungry that I didn’t take any pictures.

It was early when we got back. Ras and Young headed back to their pad and Gymgirl headed off to a family thingy.

That just left me alone in the empty apartment.

So I took out Alison and the kid’s picture and poured myself some rum.

Me: Just us again. So, what’d you think of Cornell?

Location: In front of a painting of Campari
Mood: missing my son and wife
Music: Tryin to raise a family is an empty home

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Travelogue: Cornell University 2018, Day 2

Buttermilk Falls


Didn’t get to sleep the night before until it was late.

I was gonna spend the day inside writing while everyone else went on a hike to Buttermilk Falls but the weather was too good not to go.

Gymgirl: You’re going hiking?
Me: I’m as surprised as you are. I mean, I’m gonna complain the whole time, but yes.

Got dressed and grabbed my bag.

Her: Oh! Don’t forget to bring your picture of Alison.
Me: (feeling for her picture in the bag) Got it.

We went downstairs to meet my cousin and her boyfriend, Young, who’s only a few years younger than me (no pun intended).

Cousin: You’re going hiking?
Me: I’m as surprised as you are. I mean, I’m gonna complain the whole time, but yes.
Young: (later) This is great. Now I know why she likes making fun of how old I am.
Me: Yeah, this is just great.

We arrived at the falls and it was pretty empty. Most people were away for the Easter holiday, which meant we had most of the hill for ourselves.

We ended up hiking for a solid 90 minutes or so, mostly uphill. The girls really enjoyed it. Us, not so much.

Me: This was a terrible idea. We should just push the two of them down the hill and get something to eat.
Young: Nah, they’ll both just say “wheeee!” alla way down.

We got as far as we could go before we had to turn back. Well, that’s not completely true.

Me: It says it’s dangerous and blocked off we should…
Gymgirl: (goes around fence)
Me: …just ignore all the warning signs and go in anyway.

Gymgirl: (later) Why don’t I take a picture with you and Alison?
Me: (nods)

Afterward, took the hike back down and then went to the Statler Hotel for brunch. Was so hungry that I forgot to take pics.

Cousin: I thought you were just going to eat bacon.
Me: I didn’t know steak and salmon were an option.

When we were done, most of them wanted to see the brain exhibit that was going on but Young and I both decided to head to the library there and just chill for a while.

Took some more pics of Alison there. The library was where I spent most of my time in college and I always wanted Alison to see it. It looks like a scene from Hogwarts. She woulda loved it.

Gymgirl met up with us a little while later and took some pics of me.

Everyone ended up going to some wineries around the area but I just wanted to sit in the library and think and write for a bit.

When everyone got back, we went out for dinner but this post is getting long and you’re probably bored so I’ll just finish it up tomorrow.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of my family in Cornell, finally.

I’d been waiting so long to take it, y’see:

Location: In front of a red painting
Mood: missing my son
Music: every now and then she dreams of all the lovely places

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Travelogue: Cornell University 2018, Day 1

All good or all powerful?


The Gymgirl and I decided to head up to Cornell with my cousin Ras and her guy. Ras’ brother, RL, was in grad school there so it was a good excuse to go while the kid was away for Easter.

I was last there ten years ago, right before I met Alison. We always talked about going up there, especially after we went to her college, but something always came up.

Me: Would you mind if I brought a picture of Alison up with us?
Gymgirl: Of course not.

We got out of the city late so didn’t end up there until after a quarter past six and checked into the Marriott there.

Her: You never stayed in a hotel here before?
Me: I have but this is nicer than what I was used to. When I came back after I graduated, I did mostly couch surfing.

It was late so I persuaded them to go eat dinner at one of the food halls I used to go to as a freshman there, RPU. It was almost empty, which was just great for me.

Ras’s brother had some friends join us.

Friend: Y’know, you’re just a little over a year older than my dad.
Me: Well, this dinner’s ruined. (turning to RL) Thanks for inviting your friend to come eat with us.

Neither Gymgirl nor I had been feeling well; the kid got a stomach bug and we, in turn, did as well.

Ras: Man, you ate a lot.
Me: Imagine what I woulda eaten if I wasn’t sick.

I walked them through my campus at night where I kept thinking that Alison woulda loved to have been there. I told her about the clock tower there and she said it sounded nice.

We went to my cousin’s office for a bit where we had a beer and then finished the night over sangria in Collegetown.

RL: I recall Neil DeGrass Tyson once said that you can’t have a God that is both all good and all powerful. He has to be either one or the other.
Me: My friend believes – very much – in god but has always said something really similar that answers that.
RL: Which is?
Me: He believes god exists but is convinced he’s evil. He said that every grotesque leader was once loved and thought of as a savior. That what the Devil’s all about. (shrugging) I don’t know what to believe but I see his point better than ever now.

Location: three nights ago, Collegetown Bagels
Mood: lonely
Music: marry me, your father will disown you

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