Month: June 2018

Categories
personal

Wedding stuff in Jerz

And some eating in Queens


Anthony Bourdain’s death really rattled me. Been trying to think of a way to write about it and started and stopped some entries a dozen times.

Thought I had something and then a suicide of a friend-of-a-(good)friend in New Jersey rocked me. That deserves a lot more than a quick sentence here but it’s not my story to tell

Man, suicide’s such crazy thing: It just transfers agonizing pain from one person to others.

Speaking of pain and New Jersey, when Alison and I got hitched, we had alla these wedding gifts from our friends and family.

They were mainly for a house in the suburbs that we’ll never see – flatware, chinaware, crock pots, etc. My tiny Manhattan pad couldn’t house alla it so it stayed with relatives out in Jerz.

This past weekend, Gymgirl’s brother got hitched in NJ. Coincidentally, the place where the wedding took place was only 30 minutes from Alison’s parent’s house.

So I reluctantly rang up her mom to finally deal with all those wedding gifts and she hauled alla it back to her place. That must have sucked for her. It sucked for me putting it into my whip.

Now I’ve got things like serving dishes and crystal serving bowls that I have no idea what to do with.

Cause they were for a life that never happened and remind me that it never will. F__k.

Interestingly, the wedding was the first time I’d met Gymgirl’s family. I’d met her older brother during that ER trip a few months back but not the rest.

Her other brother was the one getting hitched. I think I’d gotten out most of my grief at Alison’s family’s house. But I did have to step outside a bit just to get my head on straight.

Otherwise, the wedding was nice and different enough from mine that I didn’t get too messed up, mentally.

The next day, the Gymgirl and I returned the car I’d borrowed from my family to Queens and also picked up the kid. Although before we did that, we went to that food court in Flushing I’d gone to before.

Wish I had pics of everything but I was too out of it to take them.

Not been sleeping well the past week. Everything’s fuzzy again.

Location: two floors up showing an apartment with the kid
Mood: tired
Music: No tomorrow without a yesterday

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personal

Graduating

Enriching our lives

Bought a new car seat for the boy earlier today.

I remember how excited Alison was when the infant car seat arrived.

My random screaming out of obscenities continues, unabated.

The boy “graduated” from his school earlier this week. Two, actually. One was an art class, the other a music class. But really, they were a way to socialize him with kids his age. That was the goal, anywho. Along the way, I met these women that became the Mother’s Group that I talk to almost every day. In that sense, it socialized us both.

Friend: This is it, a first graduation!
Me: Whoa – well, let’s hope it’s the first of many.

If you live in Manhattan north of 42nd Street and are looking to start your kid off in some program, check out Rutgers Preschool and Eastside Westside Music Together. Amazing programs with amazing people.

Gymgirl: (watching TV) I’m pretty impressed that you figured that part out.
Me: (dismissively) Of course, I’m ridonk brilliant.
Her: Eh, you’re alright.

Speaking of graduating, not only did the Gymgirl graduate as well, she also started a new job recently so, after she got her first paycheck, she took me out to eat Korean BBQ in Korea Town at place called Jongro. A boy could get spoiled like this.

Went to that place years ago with my college buddies.

Leigh’s husband wrote me to tell me that he thought The Gymgirl sounded like an amazing person. It’s a lot for someone to deal with people like us that are saddled with such grief. I agree.

Although I feel I enrich her life in my own inimitable way.

Gymgirl: I need to post on social media that I graduated. What did you post when you graduated?
Me: I didn’t have the internet back then.
Her: (laughing) Good god, you have to put that in your blog.

Location: yesterday, wandering the parks in the heat
Mood: same?
Music: We pass the waiting with a warm meal

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Father’s Day 2018: Hands on my back

Trip to Chinatown

My Father’s Day was spent with the Gymgirl taking me to dim sum in Chinatown but the lines were out the door. So she bought me two lunches back-to-back. Soup dumplings at Joe’s Ginger and then Pho Bang on Mott Street. Was gonna stop by to see my buddy Rain but we had to get the kid.

The thing about the Gymgirl is that’s she’s so young, she never really thought about how she might raise a kid. But I’m pleasantly surprised that she and Alison woulda seen eye-to-eye on a lotta things.

Yesterday was the first Father’s Day I remember since everything went down last year. Don’t even remember if I saw my dad last year. Was in such a haze of grief, exhaustion, and alcohol.

After the Gymgirl left to see her own dad, I went shopping with the boy. He wasn’t feeling well so he just sat on the sidewalk and refused to move. Thought that was kinda frustratingly amusing. My dad woulda thought so too.

I always sigh when I think of things like that. Did it again just now.

God, I loved my father. He was difficult, but I think all fathers have to be a little difficult. Alison always told me, “Remember that we’re gonna be their parents, not their friends. At least, not for a really long time.”

When the boy sat down on the street, I tried to reason with him but ultimately had to start walking away for him to get up. Sometimes you gotta do that.

As for me, this lady named Mignon McLaughlin once said that, The past is to our back. We do not have to see it; we can always feel it.

Don’t believe in much of anything these days. But in my head, Alison and my father are behind me, with a hand gently on my back in support.

I try to raise my son as they woulda hoped and wanted me to, which isn’t that hard because we all saw the world the same way.

That’s why I loved them so.

Location: yesterday, wandering Chinatown in the heat
Mood: pensive
Music: always thinking of you but I can’t think of the right words to say

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personal

Take your chances as they come

Waiting and hoping

Me: Where were we?
Gymgirl: I was talking about you.
Me: That I’m the best thing that ever happened to you?
Her: Why would I say that?
Me: Because it’s the truth!

Drunkenly met the most beautiful girl at a bar, once.

I was walking in, she was walking out. She was also drunk and happened to be on a date. I was heading out to talk to one girl after spending the night with another.

Called the girl walking in my Ship-in-the-Night girl. After a while, I knew her name was Alison, but – long after we started dating – still teased her that the girl I met that night wasn’t her.

Not so much because I didn’t think that she was that girl, but because I wondered if she was my girl; if I were her fella.

If we were each other’s person.

Then, one September day, we told each other that we didn’t wanna be with anyone else.

Alison: You’ve finally accepted that I’m your Ship-in-the-Night Girl, huh?
Me: (nodding) Yes.

That was a great day. Probably one of the happiest days of my life.

A good friend of mine was given an opportunity to start his own gym and asked me my thoughts.

Told him, honestly, that he owed it to his future self to take his chances as they come.

I mean, that’s the thing with every facet of life, yeah? You’re presented with an opportunity and you have to decide whether to stay with the devil you know or push all that doubt to the side of your mouth,  shut up, and take your chances.

When Alison met me that night, my business was failing. A family friend stole most of my money. Was drinking and womanizing way too much.

And yet she saw something in me that made her take a chance on me.

She believed me when I told her I was looking for her all those years. While it was the truth, I can see how that might be a hard thing to accept with a fella like me.

I admit that in my sleepless nights, I worried she’d wake up one day and realize she’d made a terrible mistake.

But she never did.

She’s been gone only a year and I’m already in another relationship. Can’t express how guilty that makes me feel. But she’d want what was best for me and the boy.

And Alison knew I loved her and only her. That’s all that really matters to me.

That’s not entirely true: I want the kid to know I loved his mamma completely.

Did everything I could to save her for us. Life f___d us anyway.

The Gymgirl left this story a while ago. Suppose in the simplest terms, she and I both thought that it was too early for us to be in relationship. She had school and life going on and I had…well, you know what I had going on.

But I can’t be a hypocrite and tell my buddy, and everyone else, to take their chances as they come and not do it myself.

You see, the Gymgirl sees my broken self and thinks I might be something or someone great. Or nearabouts. And I think she’s something great also.

So we both take our chances. And we wait and hope.

Me: I think we should give this another try.
Her: I don’t know, Logan.
Me: You can’t leave me. I’m perfect.
Her: (laughs, rolls eyes)

Location: my usual spot, wondering
Mood: cautious
Music: I’m beyond your peripheral vision

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