Month: June 2019

Die Berlingirl 2

That went well

One of the reasons I was ok with Berlingirl meeting the boy was because of what ABFF told me the day before.

In any case, Berlingirl came back once with her boyfriend while Alison was sick but with my schedule and Alison, I couldn’t meet up with her.

Whenever I meet up with anyone I dated, I use it as a chance to get feedback on what I did wrong and what I did right.

Me: I have to ask you: As a foreigner, meeting a complete stranger, and going to his basement apartment – which, let’s face it, was pretty sketch back then – weren’t you scared at all?
Berlingirl: (laughing) Definitely! I remember we were watching an action film and it was a bit scary for me. I told you that and…you were so sweet! You turned it off and we just talked.

I’ve no contact with anyone I was in a serious relationship with – I’m neither a psychopath nor a narcissist – but I’m oddly very proud that several people I casually dated remain friendly with me.

Me: Did I ever tell you that immediately after I met you, I met another German dancer?
Her: (laughs) There’re a lot of us.
Me: I honestly don’t remember if we dated or not.

She had her own questions.

Her: What’s going on with you and Maus?

I told her what I was willing to say.

Her: Well, there’s no relationship if there’s no communication. (sympathetically) I’m sorry everything’s like this.
Me: I’ll survive. It’s what I do. (later) I’m glad you came to visit us, Berlingirl.
Her: (nodding) Me too. I’ll be back.

With all this in mind, I gave another female friend of mine a ring. We dated as well, in a manner of speaking.

Me: It’s me. (thinking) I was wondering if you wanted to meet the boy.
Her: (long pause) No, Logan. It’s fine. It’s not a big deal anymore.
Me: (nodding on the phone) I figured. I just wanted to offer. And to say that I’m sorry…for a lotta things.
Her: Why? As you always said, things are they way they are. We accept them or we don’t. Anyway, I have to go, Logan. I’m cooking dinner for my boyfriend.
Me: Of course, I…
Her: (click)
Me: (nodding) That went well…

I deleted her number. It’s for the best. There’s zero point in trying to communicate with anyone that doesn’t want to hear from you. That’s how stalkers are made.

The next day, the boy asked about Maus and then said:

Him: I liked your friend. She was nice.
Me: I liked her too, kiddo!
Him: Will she come back?
Me: (nodding) One day. Always be the kind of person people want to hang out with. And then, hopefully, they’ll visit someday.
Him: OK, papa. Can I have dessert?

The insomnia’s not as bad but it’s still not great. I’m sleeping in my own bed again.

Again, “sleep” is a relative term.

Location: my bed with the grey sheets
Mood: sad
Music: Every single night, I find it harder to sleep

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Tags friends

personal

Die Berlingirl 1

A story within a story

I’m posting a ton because I’ve been awake for days. You’re welcome.

The rest of the weekend was pretty busy too. Saw some other old friends, including a woman I last saw 12 years ago.

Berlingirl: Do you remember exactly how we met?
Me: (nodding) Yes.
Her: Tell me about it. It was so long ago.

I met Berlingirl years ago at a club around the way.

I was actually there to meet someone for a date and I thought that Berlingirl was her. So I walked up to Berlingirl and randomly started chatting with her.

After a while, I realized she had an accent that I’d heard before whereas the girl I was supposed to meet was definitely American.

Me: Schuldigung…sind Sie Deutscherin, oder?
Her: (überrascht) Ja, und Sie?
Me: Nein, ich bin amerikaner…naja, chinesisch amerikaner. Sind Sie Jennifer?
Her: (lachend) Nein! Ich bin Berlingirl.

We hung out that night and for the rest of the week before she went home to…Berlin.

Berlingirl, Caligirl, and Gradgirl, all crossed my mind recently for related, but different, reasons.

For one, all three were/are unavailable to me – also for different reasons. In fact Caligirl, once chided me about only spending time with unavailable women years ago in this sad little blog.

She was wrong at the time; I was looking for Alison. However, if she said something similar now, I’d find it hard to argue with her.

Caligirl, if you’re reading this, we’re good.

And I recently had a dream about Gradgirl; we weren’t …us. I mean, we were, but not. It’s hard to explain.

If things were different, well, I’m sure you can guess. But time and chance and alla that.

Which brings us back to Berlingirl.

Doorbell rings.
Boy: (opening door, yells) It’s your friend!!
Her: (to boy) Hello there! (smiling) Hello, Logan.
Me: (laughing, walking to the door) Hello, Berlingirl. You’ve met the boy, of course. (later) Can I interest you in a walk with us?
Her: Yes!

Berlingirl crossed my mind because she came to town with her family – and boyfriend – the other day. She stopped by to see the kid and me.

Me: To be clear, you told your boyfriend you were coming to see me, right? Sorry, I’ve all these rules. Plus, I’ve been on the other side where a girlfriend snuck around on me and it was humiliating. I’d hate to do that to anyone.
Her: Of course! You’re so…good.
Me: (laughing) Sheyah. Now, how’d you convince him to take time out of your vacation to see a guy you dated?
Her: (shrugging) I told him the truth – that you were nice. The real nice, not the “nice” Americans say when they want to be mean. I told him you were…a good guy.
Me: (laughing) I’ll take it.

This entry’s getting super long, so I’ll finish it later on this week.

Back to dreaming of sleep and my possible pasts.

Location: dreamland, still
Mood: exhausted
Music: she won’t believe me; it was only just a dream

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Tags conversations, friends, good things, random meetings, relationships

personal

Twice as good

Friday Pt. 2

A few weeks ago, I changed all my locks. Here’s a bit of fiction that’s more interesting than, “I just wanted to.”

Me: (walking in) HOLY ____BALLS! What the ____, man!?
Him: (sitting on my couch) Hello, Logan. I was worried about you. You weren’t returning my messages.

We ended up chatting for a bit.

Me: Why do you care so much? Who am I to you?
Him: (laughing) You may be the last honest man in New York. (thinking) In a city of bulls_____rs, you’re a man of your word. You’re unicorn. Who doesn’t wanna know a unicorn? Especially in my profession. (later) Like you said, rare things are valuable. That’s why.

/fiction

RE Mike, Caligirl, Daisy, and Gradgirl have all called me a unicorn in the past too. I thought that was interesting.

To continue from my last entry, I was supposed to meet up with someone at 1:30AM so I thought I’d take the long walk home when I realized I was in front of Kathy and Ricky’s. It was after midnight but I figured they were good friends.

We ended up having some fine aged rum on their roof.

Me: I’ve never been jealous of anyone. But you, Cappy, and the fellas have what I’ve always wanted, family.
Him: (joking) You were always with one hot women or another. That’s pretty good.
Me: (nodding) It’s pretty good. But it’s not family. (looking away) Family’s the one thing I don’t get. F__k all. (looking at watch) I gotta go.
Him: Can’t stay for another drink?
Me: No. I’ve gotta meet someone.

A little while later, I see another old friend. He was with a young man I’d not met before.

Him: Logan! Meet John.
John: So, you’re the Logan I’ve heard so much about. (smirking) Are you as good as he says you are?
Me: (sitting down) I’m half as good as I wanna be. (sighing) But twice as good as he says I am. Let’s see what you’ve got.

It was late when I get home. For reasons I can’t fully – or don’t wanna – explain, I slept on my couch.

“Slept” is a relative term. The insomnia’s definitely back and it’s not leaving anytime soon.

I feel dull and vicious again but don’t wanna be.

I’m Sleepy Logan again, also – swimming on dry land and hoping not to f__k up the real Logan’s life.

I’ll tell you a story about a dreamer and butterfly one day, but for now, I hope to sleep and dream of the people I love.

Or at least sleep. That’d be nice too.

I just washed all my color clothes with bleach and hot water. This is not good.

I’ll be posting a lot this week cause Sleepy Logan and I’ve been awake and doing stuff.

Lotsa stuff.

Only mildly interesting.

Location: between dusk and dawn
Mood: so goddamn tired
Music: Let the rain fall, I don’t care

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Tags devil, family, friends, story, work

personal

What do you have for me?

Friday Pt. 1

Went to the gym on Friday night because I dropped the kid off with my mom. Was planning on going home and going right to bed because I agreed to see a buncha people that night but then the ABFF dropped me a line.

Her: What are u up to this weekend ?
Me: What do you have for me?

Before I knew it, I was at her pad breaking my fast with some Moscow Mules and Peruvian food with her and some other people.

Me: To be clear, everyone thinks I’m a good human being because I lost Alison and my dad. But I was never a good person; I was only good because of Alison.
Her: I don’t believe that.
Me: Yet it’s true.

The ABFF convinced me to not shelter the boy from the women/people in my life.

Her: Kids are resilient. As far as they know, everyone is just your friend.
Me: He asks about Mouse all the time. I told him she was coming by this past Saturday because we chatted but then plans changed and he was pretty…confused.
Her: Kids are resilient, Logan. He’ll be fine.

Her sister and I also chatted about dating in NYC.

Sister: I’m taking a break.
Me: Man, I feel that, as a woman, online dating’s gotta be easier.
Her: (rolls eyes) No. And it’s exhausting. And the same guys you didn’t want in the first place keep showing up over-and-over again.

Looked at my watch and told them I had to run, thanking them for the company and hospitality. Hopped a train downtown.

Soon, I was in an Italian restaurant with a dear friend of mine. It was his birthday.

Me: I wanted to buy you dinner.
Him: (laughing) You better have cash, because that’s all they take here.
Me: Get outta here…

Ended up having a latte and paying for most of dinner but not all, which was a disappointment.

We chatted for a bit. He lost his love to cancer too. It’s part of the reason I avoided seeing him. That, and another friend of ours also has cancer.

Suppose I’ll have to write about that as well soon.

Me: I wanna contact him. I’m just a coward.
Him: You’re not. (gently) Write him. He’d love to hear from you. I know he would. (later) I met someone. An old flame dropped me a line. Hoping things will work out.
Me: I hope so. You deserve a good life.
Him: You do too, Logan. (later, on 3rd Avenue) I’m always here, if you need anything.
Me: I know. I’ll see you soon.

Stopped by Solas for a spell and talked to some people there. There’s more but that’s all I wanna say about this part of the story.

It was after midnight when I left for my appointment but then I got sidetracked by another old friend.

I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.

It was a long Friday night and the kickoff of a three-day crazy insomnia streak.

Location: home
Mood: insomniatic
Music: I know that, time will heal it

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Tags friends, hope

personal

I’m kind of a late…

What’s so funny?

Been catching up with lotsa people from various walks of life, including RE Mike.

Before I knew it, I’m on a subway heading downtown…

… and on some billionheiress’s private guest list (for serious).

Me: Hi, I’m Logan. I’m kind of a late addi…
Greeter: Logan Lo?
Me: Uh, yeah!
Her: (laughing) I just added you. You don’t need to wait in line. 66th Floor. (puts a red ribbon around my wrist) Have fun.

RE Mike was, and will always be, amazing.

Anywho, the party was pretty nuts. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.

Mainly cause I got pics…

Me: Hi, I need a photographer for the evening. You game?
Girl1: (laughing) Sure!

Fella1: What I really need is a copyright lawyer.
Me: Oh man, are you in luck…

Me: Well, now that’s something you don’t see every day.

Girl3: Wait, you’re leaving?! So early?
Me: Yeah. I gotta see about a girl. Nice meeting you.

Me: (walking in late) Hey. (laughs)
Her: (laughs) What’s so funny?
Me: You tell me.
Her: (later) I kept hoping it was you.

Location: the 66th floor in the pics above
Mood: ready to suffer and ready to hope
Music: I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind

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Tags friends, kindness, love, meeting people in NYC, nightlife, NYC, out and about

personal

A beautiful life

New England Hurricane

Her: …an actress. My first was in Spy Kids with Robert Rodriguez. You?
Me: Well, I was a ruthless capitalist and attorney. Now, I’m just a high-functioning drunk.
Her: (laughing) What happened?
Me: Life, darling. Same as everyone else. But this is a party, and we just met. I figure I’ve got all night to bring you down.

I still don’t know how much, if any, work to do these days. The thing with being a lawyer is that you have to be a zealous advocate and it’s hard for me to be zealous about anything these days.

Did get a work email recently that came close, though:

I forgot about this lecture I gave and I pulled it up: In less than a year, I got almost 1,000 4.5 star reviews.

My other lecture has almost 1,500 4.5 star reviews. That’s almost 2,500 lawyers that think I’m worth listening to.

I was really good at what I did.

I’m just not that guy anymore. Not sure I can be or if I even wanna be.

When my mother-in-law stayed over the other night to see the boy graduate, we talked of Alison. Of course.

To this end, told her the story of a hurricane that happened in New England in 1938.

It killed over 600 people and completely wiped out parts of New England. I figure each of those 600+ people were loved and terribly missed.

Numbers sanctify.

Anyway, it also killed alla the trees in the area; you see, 90% were white pine that either stayed green or just turned brown. But in their place grew maple, birch, dogwood, and elm trees, amongst others.

Those are the trees that turn beautiful colours.

You know the absolute best way to have an insanely successful kid? Have a parent die or disappear:

- - Steve Jobs
  - Sonia Sotomayor
  - Bill DeBlasio
  - Hell, 67 percent of British prime ministers from the start of the 19th century to the start of World War II lost a parent before the age of 16.
  - It’s not just in England, here 1/3 (27!) of our presidents didn’t have both parents.
  My life and the boy’s life is nothing like it should have been, nothing like I wanted it to be for us. For ~~my family~~ the boy and me.
  
  Nothing’s ever like I want it to be.
  
  Now, the thing is, I betcha you didn’t know that New England wasn’t always colourful and beautiful in fall. As far as you knew, it was always like that and not just since 1938.
  
  And that’s the thing with the kid: He doesn’t know about the life he coulda had. Just the one he’s got.
  
  So fuck it. If I can’t get the family I’d hoped we’d have, he’s gonna get as colourful and beautiful a life as I can possibly provide for him.
  
  Whatever that means.
  
  Me: You’re on vacation! Whaddaya wanna do!?
  Him: (stretching) I want to go to school.
  Me: The first day that you don’t have school, you wanna go?
  Him: Yes.
  Me: (shaking head) This is gonna be a long three months, kid.
  
  Location: yesterday, caught in the rain between NY and NJ
  Mood: resigned
  Music: sorry that I couldn’t get to you

personal

Love: Early and Often

Father’s Day 2019

There’s a lot going on again that I gotta sort out. Trying to organize it so it’ll make sense to you…and me, I suppose.

The main thing from last week was that my son graduated from pre-3K. My mother-in-law was there and I was glad she got a chance to see his school.

MIL: You know, I went to Catholic school for years. This reminds me of things.
Me: Everything reminds me of things.

It was Father’s Day yesterday. I spent a good part of it with Mouse.

Because that’s what she does: She shows up when she knows I’m on my knees. She sits with me and tells me that it’ll be ok. Even when we both know it won’t be.

I love her. Dunno if I ever told you that.

Do though. Suppose I have for a long time. Maybe it was obvious to you. Everything is obvious once you accept the answer

See, I accepted it too late. Told her even later.

It’s one of my ten thousand regrets.

Even though I didn’t wanna, thought about my dad a lot over the weekend. A man’s dying, and all…

That’s kinda what I said to my MIL when she was here: I try not to think of Alison and my dad.

Because it’s painful. It’ll always be painful, I suppose.

Lemme tell you this one story: When I was 32, I stayed over at my parents house in my childhood room because I had an appointment in the area.

Everyone had left by the time I woke up so I got dressed in my room and walked out the door to go upstairs. There, I saw something strange on the steps.

It was two hard boiled eggs that my dad made me for brekkie. And he wrote on them: “Good Morning” and “I love you.” I remember laughing and thinking I had to take a picture of it.

I’m so glad I did.

The running joke is that Asian/Chinese parents are not effusive. A college roommate told me that his father never told him that he loved him.

Him: I have no idea what it’s like, to have a father that says that.
Me: I’m sorry. I have no idea what it’s like to have a father that doesn’t.

But that was my dad. He loved me, my siblings, and my mother. And he wasn’t shy about telling us.

Hoo-boy, that man embarrassed me more times than I can count. And I’ll probably embarrass my son.

Because when you love someone, you should tell them that you do, early and often. See above.

Anywho, I try not to think about my dad because I loved him so and the weight of my grief equals the weight of my love.

Which is a shit-ton.

God, I miss all these people I love so.
But there’s no place for the love to go.

Location: home, in front of several glasses of rum
Mood: heartbroken
Music: I keep on wantin’ more of you and me

Tags death, family, goodbye, love, pain

personal

Just money, just allergies

Losing, Winning, Living

Him: Maybe she’ll come for dinner?
Me: No. She’s still on her adventure.
Him: What’s an adventure?
Me: It’s…it’s an exciting trip. (hesitating) Is…is that ok? If it’s just papa?
Him: (nodding) I want ham.
Me (relieved) You got it, man.
Him: I’m not a man, I’m a boy!
Me: Yes. (laughing) You’re my boy.

If only all these things were this easy to solve.

He’s graduating from pre3K this week. Like everything that should be a good memory, this one is bittersweet. It seems like we just started school.

I couldn’t sleep the other night because I knew that most of the other kids would have both parents there and he would look out and just see me.

Was going to call up the ABFF, or my sister, or even one of his sitters to come but, thankfully, Alison’s mom can make it. It’s a small thing but I slept like a log the day she told me she’d make it.

The thought of him just seeing me in the audience bummed me out no end.

Mother-in-law: Can I stay over the night before?
Me: God, no….joking! You’re always welcome here.

Should mention that I’m 100% confident that if I called Mouse and told her it was his graduation, she would come. Full stop. Cause she would do anything for him. But everything’s complicated enough as it is.

In any case, there’s so much guilt involved in parenting. Suppose it’s like a poor parent that looks at wealthier parents and feeling a niggling bit of jealousy and longing.

Except it’s not money. If only it were just money.

My dad once said to me that, if a problem can be solved by money, it’s not that big a problem. But when you have problems that can’t be solved by money, it’s a real problem.

But the boy doesn’t seem to notice, which is a small blessing, I suppose.

Another parent: Hi. I’ve been meaning to tell you that your son must be the happiest boy I’ve ever seen.
Me: Gotta say, that means more to me than you might imagine.
Her: Oh…well, it’s true. You and your wife are doing something right. (pause) Are you…
Me: Sorry, just…allergies. (clearing throat) Thanks. That means a lot.

I’ve got a lot going on but I’m trying to sort through it all so it’ll make sense to you. Cause not a lotta it makes sense to me.

And it’s Father’s Day in a week.

You maybe already saw this.
Tennis player Mahut losing at Roland Garros in front of his family, breaks down in tears.
His kid runs on court to hug him.
His opponent Mayer getting emotional.

Father and son walk away hand in hand.

Losing, winning, living.pic.twitter.com/YOE3ohKVGJ

— Tancredi Palmeri (@tancredipalmeri) June 4, 2019

Me: Oh, I’ll make you a croque monsieur!
Him: No! Ham!
Me: But a croque monsieur is…you know what? Nevermind. Let’s get you some ham, ok? We’ll go to the market together. (gets keys)
Him: OK! (sings)

Location: home
Mood: allergies. Lotsa allergies
Music: I’ll go if you go, if you’re cool with that

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Tags family, kindness, love

personal

I have my rules

Whatever works for you, bud

Her: Hey!
Me: Hey!

Ran into a girl from my gym today while I was walking with the boy. Like I said a million times before, NYC’s a small town sometimes.

Turns out that she babysits in my area. I’m literally collecting babysitters like other people collect Pokemon.

Speaking of babysitters, I was chatting with someone the other day on the train that mentioned that she babysat. As the Germangirl used to say, I’m a talker/glattzüngig.

Her: Your son’s so cute!
Me: Thanks! I have to keep him regardless, but the cute helps. (later) Oh, you’re right by my gym. You should join us, it’ll change your life.
Her: (laughing) Sure. Let me know when you’re around.

She’s super young but seems like a sweetheart. She has a blog as well. I miss having a group of blogger friends.

Speaking of the gym, I legit thought I’d have to change gyms this week for a number of reasons. I even called up a new one in my area to find out details to switch.

I swear, I have PTSD from my old gym.

Him: You’re fine.
Me: I was actually more anxious about this than I woulda imagined.

Speaking of friends, spoke to another young lady I knew from waaay back but never made it into this here blog.

She’s going through a breakup too, as is a friend of hers. We said we’d all get together at some point. She also wrote me something very nice about her friend and me.

Speaking of friends getting together, saw Curt a few more times. He and I have radically different ideas of what it’s like to be out and about in the city. Radically.

Her: 23.
Me: (laughing) Of course your are. Let’s play a game: How old does my friend look? (pointing at Curt)
Her: 25?
Me: OK, and me?
Her: A bit older. 27?
Me: I’m older than that, but thanks for making my night! Enjoy your evening, ladies.
Curt: (later) See, you care about things like that. The moment they told you their age, I saw you check out. And she’s the best looking person here.
Me: (shrugging) Still not my type; just seeing if I’m still me. Besides, I have my rules.
Him: (shaking head) You and your rules. I honestly don’t get you at all.
Me: (getting up to leave) It’s simple, man. She’s not the prize. (pointing at self) I’m the prize.
Him: (shaking head) You’re nuts.
Me: No, I’m Harvard. See, anyone can apply. Not everyone makes it in. Besides, I’m just killing time. I know what I want.
Him: (laughing, rolling eyes) Whatever works for you, bud.

Location: out and about
Mood: thoughtful
Music: makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else

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Tags conversations, friends, hope, meeting people in NYC, random meetings

personal

She’s on an adventure

Where I’m supposed to be

The boy: Papa!!
Me: (grabbing him) There’s my little guy! How are you? Did you miss papa?
Him: (laughs, shakes head) Nooooooooooooo…
Me: (feigning pain, shaking head) Hurtful. Hurtful. (brightening) Well, I missed you.
Him: Where’s Mouse?
Me: She’s…she’s on an adventure!
Him: In Brooklyn?
Me: (nodding) Yes! In Brooklyn.
Him: When she gonna be back?
Me: (frowning) Oh, I don’t know. She might be gone for a while. Adventures sometimes take a long time.
Him: Oh. (frowning) I miss her.
Me: Of course, I do too. And, I know for a fact that she misses you. She’s definitely going to see you again, don’t you worry.
Him Good! I love her like a…toothbrush!
Me: (laughing) I’m gonna take that as a compliment to her and tell you that I know that she loves you like TWO toothbrushes.
Him: That’s silly! (thinking, quiet) Papa, will you go on an adventure too?
Me: (imitating him, shakes head) Nooooooooooooo… I belong with you.
Him: (laughs, sings loudly) ♪♫♬I belong to you, you belong to me, you’re my sweetheart…♪♫♬
Me: (nodding) Always, boy. (hugging him) Always.

Location: home, where I’m supposed to be
Mood: convinced
Music: think of what it might have been

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Tags family, goodbye, love, parenting