Month: April 2021

Who has it worse?

Chad’s teaching out in the middle of nowhere Brooklyn these days.

Tried to arrange either one late night or early morning there a week but, I gotta admit that I’ve not really tried all that hard.

You see, ever since I got vaccinated, there’s been a steady stream of people stopping by to roll with me.

While it’s suboptimal, the benefits of having your gym come to you – versus traveling for an hour each way – can’t really be overstated.

Him: I’m in your neighborhood, meet up for a drink?
Me: Dude, do you wanna come by and roll for a bit at 3:45?
Him: Sure, do you have a pair of shorts I could borrow?
Me: Yeah, I live here.

Again, I realize how odd my life must sound to you if you’re not in the life.

It definitely feels different in the city these days, what with so many people vaccinated. The City‘s not fully open, but I think the hoi-polloi are getting more social in general.

Just this past week:

• • • I’ve had more potential setups but I’ve been super busy.
      • I think people should really read this blog before introducing me to any friends.
    • My old Oktoberfest-traveling buddy hit me up for a meetup.
    • Gio hit me up for lunch this week.
    • Nadi and KG Betty each dropped me a line to get together.
    • Lviv moved closer to me recently. That’s a clipping from Harold I gave her ages ago. He looks like he’s doing well.
    • My college buddies wanna get together for Memorial Day with some other friends wanting to get together for the 4th of July.

This is all versus a whole lotta nuthin for the past year or so.

Met up with two friends for dinner last week. Of course, we chatted about dating in the big city.

I honestly don’t know who has it worse, men or women.

Girl1: One guy I was chatting with – on the first conversation – casually asked me to send him pictures of my feet. The first convo, Logan! I ignored it but during the second, he said, “Where’s the photo of your feet?”
Me: What’d you do?
Girl1: I dug up some ogre feet, sent them to him, and blocked him.
Me: (laughing) Strong work. I think I’m ready to just try and have two more kids on my own and be single forever.
Girl1: With the number of friends you have? Just ask one of your friends to set you up.
Me: (shaking head) Most of the time, whenever I get a setup, I’m like, “This is what you think I’m capable of? Have you met me?”
Girl2: (drinks her beer)  I’m totally ready to just stay single.

Speaking of feet, this must be a new thing. Because another girl I briefly dated wrote me to catch up and, when started to tell her this story, she told me that feet were her thing, which was new to me.

I’m not built for being single in 2021.

Location: more rolling and more Hudson Yards
Mood: clear-headed
Music: good times, good friends, morning sun on us (Spotify)
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Logan is fully vaxxed, yo

Him: This is your first shot?
Me: Second actually. It’s a long story but I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version.
Him: (laughing) OK, let’s hear it.

In NYS, they have this weird policy where you have to have your second shot at the same place you got your first shot.

Now, I’d gotten my first shot in the middle-of-nowhere Brooklyn but that was when the vaccines were in short supply. Now, there’s a glut just 20 minutes from my house at the Jacob Javits Center. I tried to change my appointment but they were unwilling to change so I just figured I’d suck it up and head back to Brighton Beach, Brooklyn.

However, I got a phone call from the Brighton Beach spot telling me that they had to cancel my appointment because there wasn’t enough vaccine. Surely, this was sign.

I decided to just roll the dice and schedule something at the JJC by saying it was my first dose when it was actually my second.

Worse case, I figured, they’d just refuse to vax me and I’d just try again in Brooklyn.

When I got there, was helped by a younger fella that told me he was musical theater major like my buddy Drew. So, I took a deep breath and told him everything.

Him: Well, you’re really supposed to take your second shot where you take the first one, but…(clicks keyboard) I’ll just change it for you.
Me: You’re a prince. Thanks, man.

45 minutes later, walked outta there fully vaxxed.

Now, because I like maximizing my time, met up with a friend-of-a-friend for a cuppa joe around the Hudson Yards right before my appointment.

People are always trying to set me up with someone for reasons I couldn’t tell you. But they do.

I’ve always said no in the past but this time, though, I figured, I was out in the area anywho so I agreed. Pretty soon, I was sitting on some steps chatting with a brown-eyed girl.

Me: So, what’s your best five-minute-or-less story?
Her: (laughing) That’s a lot of pressure!
Me: This is NYC, you’ve gotta be able to handle the pressure, darling.

I suppose that these days, I wouldn’t mind being set up as often as I am except no one really seems to know my type. Then again, I’m not sure what or who I find attractive anymore.

She was sweet enough but we were both probably just killing time.

Some other women from my past also reached out to me.

I think it’s a confluence of the weather, the vaccines (and the world reopening), and my birthday. Speaking of Brighton Beach, most people just hit me up to wish me a happy birthday although others contacted me “inadvertently.”

I don’t know why people can’t just let true things be true; if you wanna see me, just ask to see me.

I’m always happy to see people that are actually happy to see me.

Time permitting, of course…

Tomorrow, the boy goes back to in-person school for the first time in over a year.

The principal and other school admins have told me that they chat about him and some of the truly funny things this kid says or does over Zoom.

I think is one reason people are drawn to him is that he’s so relentlessly upbeat. I think Alison would be proud that her son is so well-thought of at such a young age already.

It’s weird that it feels like tomorrow is the first day of school in September but, really, it’s the end of April.

Me: Are you excited about tomorrow?
Boy: I’m so excited!!
Me: You’re not scared or worried?
Him: (rolling eyes) It’s just school, papa.
Me: Of course. Silly me.

Location: 15 mins ago, with Chad watching a killer flick, wishing one of us spoke Russian
Mood: so impressed
Music: you push and I’m pulling away (Spotify)
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Awesome Once

I think the reason why the narcissist accusation bothered Chad and me so much was because we both had to deal with a self-aggrandizing narcissist for years.

Him: These people think we’re like him?! (shakes head) You gave up everything to try and save Alison – your career, your personal life, your friends, everything. I don’t know many people that would do that.
Me: Still…
Him: Logan, saying that about anyone is serious, saying it about you and what you’ve gone through is beyond fucked-up.

You see, a cornerstone of a narcissist is that they’re always bragging about their credentials and achievements. But Chad never knew I knew kali, let alone taught it, until the day he showed up at our first video shoot.

You still don’t know even know what I do for a living. Not really.

In fact, one major reason why I resisted the idea of Scenic Fights for over a year was because I like to keep my private life private.

Chad is similar in many ways. I suppose that’s why he and I get along so well. We both live by the credo that we want to leave people better off having met us than not, the opposite of what a narcissist does/is.

After a long conversation, we came to the conclusion that the people that called us that either don’t fully understand the gravity of what they’re saying or they don’t really know us at all.

It’s kinda like people in Asia wearing tee-shirts with words they don’t fully appreciate.

BTW, there are whole blogs dedicated to them and they’re, admittedly, hilarious.

On that note, I wouldn’t have brought this matter up again but for three women and a superstar. One is a stranger, one is an old friend, one is someone I adore, and one is a…superstar.

The first was a woman named Joan that wrote that, at least from my writing, I didn’t seem like a narcissist.

There was no reason for her to contact me but she did it anyway. I don’t understand people that go out of their way to ruin other people’s day, but on the flip-side, there’s something about someone that voluntarily decides to make a complete stranger’s day better, donchathink?

I told her, honestly, that I always liked the name Joan because of this lovely woman named Joan I knew in college.

Joan-from-College was probably one of the coolest people I knew. She was beautiful and popular – the opposite of me. She dated one of my closest buddies so I never thought of her as anything but a good friend.

With the exception of one staggeringly drunken night, I’ve never made a pass at a female friend. Considering how many nights I’ve been out and how many women I know, I’m pretty proud of this.

As for Joan-from-College, we lost touch after she graduated but she wrote me out of the blue one day, two months before Alison got sick.

Joan: I wonder if you remember me. When I was going through a really difficult time my sophomore year you were very sweet to me. I know it must have helped me because I still remember you fondly.
Me: Of course I remember you! I don’t remember the conversation either but I remember it being around Uris Hall and you smoking (a lot).

I do remember feeling flattered and awestruck as a nobody freshman that a cool and pretty sophomore girl deigned to talk to me.

Late one night, I also sent out a quick message to a buddy of mine who happens to be a legit superstar; you’ve definitely seen some of his movies/shows.

Me: I am so upset.
Him: Give me a call [sends number].
Me: You’re a prince.

We literally chatted for an hour. It was surreal. And he was just great.

Like I said, random, unexpected kindnesses are the absolute best.

But, really, the most impactful thing that made me believe that the person that said the narcissist comment was both cruel and wrong was, of course, Mouse.

Honestly, that girl is like my own personal MPDG except that, obvs, she has her own agency.

I can honestly say that, for the past few years, she was my best friend and the biggest influence in my life outside of the boy. I adored her.

While, I haven’t seen or spoken to her in a bit, she sent me a lovely gift and wrote a little something about me on my birthday on her blog.

I gotta say, between the two Joans, the superstar, Mouse’s kind words, and seeing my family, I had a pretty sweet birthday.

The next time someone tries to convince me that I’m something I know I’m not, I’ll pull up Mouse’s entry and remember that someone I once thought was pretty awesome, once thought I was pretty awesome too.

After all, The respect of those you respect is worth more than the applause of the multitude.

Location: earlier today, rolling with some friends
Mood: determined
Music: what I have to do, I don’t wanna (Spotify)
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Basil Get

This fella named Joseph Bazalgette designed the London sewer system back in the 1860’s.

He said, “Well, we’re only going to do this once and there’s always the unforeseen” and doubled the diameter of the pipes suggested by the engineers.

Had he used the pipes that were originally recommended, the sewer woulda stopped working a hundred years later in the 1960s but instead, it’s 2021 and they’re still going strong.

While it was unforeseen that London – and the world – would see its population explode, it was also somewhat foreseeable as well.

In some way, that’s a lot like me.

I have contingency plans for my contingency plans. People are surprised that I not only have one advanced degree but two – in two wholly different fields of work. The idea was that if one career flopped, I would always have the second one to fall back on.

Alison and I always said that if everything – positively everything – failed, she could go back to waitressing and I could go back to building networks and teaching people how to stab each other.

We would survive. Or so we thought.

We planned for everything. Except her dying. That was the very last thing either of us thought of. It was our black swan.

We even thought of my dying, just not her; we took out a half-million dollar life insurance policy on me that expires this Friday at midnight.

In other words, if I die before 11:59 on Friday, the boy gets $500,000.

2021.04.16_09:59 edit: It’s actually $750,000. Damn, I’m worth more dead than alive. At least until midnight tonight.

And the reason why it expires this Friday is that I’m turning 48 on Saturday.

I was supposed to get another ten-year term for the foreseeable unforeseeable but I just didn’t have the stomach to go through the whole nurse’s visit and alla that again.

I still remember when Alison and I did it together the first time around but this time, it’d be just me (she had a tiny fraction of my policy amount because we figured that the chance of her dying was so small).

We got it ten years ago this month, right after we found out she was pregnant. Later, we heard the heartbeat. Three months later, the heartbeat and the baby were gone.

I thought 2011 would be the most painful year of my life. I was wrong.

Man, I was so fucking wrong.

Two people independently, and separately, called Chad and me a narcissist recently. Here’s the definition of one.

No one had ever called either of us that before and it threw us for a loop because we know someone that assuredly is and we don’t feel we have any nexus at all with this person.

It’s definitely not true about Chad, and I don’t think it’s true about me either. I’m many fucked up things but that’s not one of them.

Because the only thing I ever wanted wasn’t accolades, fame, or fortune. All I ever wanted was to be known as a good writer and a family/fatty to call my own.

These days, my hopes are even more modest; I’d like nothing more than to be remembered as Alison McCarthy’s faithful companion and the boy’s faithful guard.

If I am remembered as nothing more or less than those two things, I consider my time on this shitty little planet well earned.

In any case, even though it’s a foreseeable unforeseeable thing, I let my policy lapse. Maybe I’ll pick up a new policy later on this year. Just not right now.

Because it’s just me and him. If I die after midnight this Friday, the kid’ll get the money Alison left for him, this apartment, a shit-ton of knives, several hundred worthless comic books, and tech up the wazoo.

I’m just tired of thinking of death and the weight of the world.

I’ll just try and be extra careful for a bit.

Before Alison got sick, I used to ask for the same ridiculous and crass thing every year because I thought it was funny.

Suppose this is as good a year as any to start that up again. So…

Wish me a happy birthday, alla you bastards that read me and never say anything.

Location: in front of 48
Mood: pensive
Music: blink your eyes and the years go by like that (Spotify)
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