Month: May 2022

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personal

Memorial Day Weekend 1: Putting on our administrative hats

$10 and a six-piece Chicken McNuggets

The Boy: How do you clean a tuba?
Me: With a tuba paste.
Him: Correct!

I dropped off the kid with my in-laws the other day and, after some food and computer repairs, high-tailed it back home to try and make my gym class.

Me: So, should I mail you the bill for the computer repair or just email you a PDF?
Her: Why don’t we call the child-care and computer repair a wash, Logan?
Me: (laughing) Fair. Thanks, mom.

Unfortunately, there was an hour delay due to a fire in the tunnels on the NYC side, while rain was coming down on the tracks on the other side.

It was something else.

Debated not going into Paxi but went in anyway. On the way in, I ran into Mouse, who was also late, and we ended up paired together for part of the class.

It was nice to spend some time with her, I gotta say. I asked her to give me a lift back but she declined. I understood.

It took a few years but I’m trying to accept the world as it is, not as I wish it to be.

Which was the core of who I once was before I lost everything.

Making it home, I broke my fast – because I hadn’t eaten since 4PM and it was 9PM – and ate four burgers.

It wasn’t my proudest moment.

The next day, I met with a friend of mine…

Her: Do you want to make out?
Me: Sure.

…and also arranged to see the Counselor.

Her: I’ll see you around 8:30?
Me: Yup! By mine?
Her: Yes.

We ended up catching Uncharted but our phones kept going off.

Me: These damn dating apps are always trying to get me to spend money.
Her: Weird, I don’t get that problem.
Me: You’re a woman, you don’t need to. Didn’t you say you had 1,800 messages/likes on one of them?
Her: God, it gives me anxiety whenever I think of it. I just delete the apps and start over again.

Later, we somehow got onto the topic of injuries. She actually had far more than I had expected and I think she was unprepared for how many I had.

Her: Whoa. Was all that from fighting?
Me: Well, that’s what I tell people but the vast majority of them are because I’m super clumsy.

It took us a while to watch the film because, not only were our phones going off, I kept stopping to talk about random things.

Me: Have you ever heard of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon; once you see something, you can’t unsee it. Well, I was telling my son about water barrels the other day…
Her: How do you know all this stuff, Logan?
Me: I don’t have many friends.
Her: (laughing) I doubt that. I think you might be a little ADD.
Me: (shrugging) Maybe. (later) Wait, how much was your haircut?
Her: OK, in my defense, it’s been a while since I had a proper haircut. (pause). $X00.
Me: $X00! Jesus Christ. Listen, next time, I’ll cut your hair for $10 and a six-piece Chicken McNuggets.

That was the second time in 24 hours a pretty lady declined a generous offer from me.

Which is probably for the best because we ended up killing what was left of my good rum and I was likely to try and re-cut her hair that night.

Me: (very drunk) I have some administrative things for us to discuss.
Her: (equally drunk) OK, let me put on my administrative hat.
Me: Oooooh, lemme get mine on too…

Location: earlier today, saving him from drowning in Long Island
Mood: protective
Music: momma always said, “Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day” (Spotify)
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personal

It’s always devestating

Honest and for true

Her: Do you want some cherries?
Me: Sure, rum if you have it, or beer – ideally light, since I’m watching my weight.
Her: Wait, I asked if you wanted cherries.
Me: (shrugging) I’ll just have any beer you have then.
Her: (laughs and gets two beers)

The boy just “graduated” his swimming class the other day

I remember learning how to swim at the YMCA on Northern Boulevard in Flushing, Queens.

Seems like a lifetime ago. Suppose it was.

He kept asking me to go to his last swimming class and the fact he so wanted me to be there was endearing. I couldn’t say no.

Him: You promise you’ll come?
Me: Yes.
Him: You swear?
Me: I do. But I don’t need to. I wanna see you swim.
Him: Really?
Me: (nodding) Honest and for true.

He got a certificate at the end of it and he stared at it with such joy and wonder that I wished, so badly, that Alison or someone was there with me to see how happy and proud he was, insteada just me.

Him: (noticing my face) You’re not happy that I finished?
Me: No, it’s not that at all. (smiling) Sorry, papa was thinking of something else. I’m super proud of you, kiddo.

Around the anniversary of Alison’s passing this year, the ABFF suggested we take the kids out for ice cream.

She actually got some balloons for the kids to write messages for Alison on and released them on her roof.

I didn’t go with them because I’d been pretty raw for a while.

It was touching, though, to see how much the ABFF loved Alison. I remember Alison telling me once how special she was to her as well.

Life is hard without your people. It’s always good when you find members of your tribe.

And it’s always devastating when you lose them.

We’re just left picking up the pieces.

Her: I’ll get some wine.
Me: I only like really sweet wines.
Her: Like what?
Me: Get a Moscato because I’m secretly a 65 year-old suburban Italian woman.

Read this report that people that lose meaningful relationships have long term mental, physical, and emotional issues – the more relationships you lose, the worse off you are in all three.

Couldn’t find that specific report but it’s pretty clear that good relationships lead to better lives all around.

And bad or no relationships lead to just awful lives.

In 2017, I lost both Alison and my dad, and I don’t think I’ve been anything close to who and what I used to be.

Just losing one would have been devastating but to lose them both within 90 days was more than I could bear, I think. Pretty sure I went a little starkers there.

Don’t really recognize who I was during that time, but I’m not sure who and what I am now.

Hope, whoever I end up being, it’s someone good. For the kid, if nuthin else.

I’m running outta time.

Location: earlier today, telling him not to be afraid of his dark room
Mood: messy
Music: look at our life now, all tattered and torn (Spotify)
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personal

I have weapons too

A birthday party with Paul

My buddy Paul moved close to me in the UWS years ago but I hardly saw him.

Nothing happened between us so much as life happened to us, individually. Plus COVID.

He knew Alison really well – in fact, he was there when we met, when we dated, and everything afterward. Until she died.

I remember asking him if Alison was attractive because I thought she was so beautiful that I thought I might be seeing things.

He told me she was. That’s happened exactly twice in my life.

In any case, whenever I thought of him, I thought of his wedding, which Alison couldn’t come to because she was pregnant with the boy and didn’t want anyone to know.

And then everything turned to shit. He did nothing wrong at all.

Like I said, I was avoiding people from my old life for a while after Alison died because everything reminded me of her and I wanted to forget.

But, because I don’t hit the grief button as often as I used to, I’ve been slowly seeing my old friends again.

He invited me to his kid’s birthday party the other day and the boy and I went.

Boy: Will I know anyone there?
Me: Maybe. But there’s pizza and cake.
Him: OK!

Weirdly enough, ran into a fella that went to my old gym that we used to call The Chessmaster. He was a really good fighter but was tactically very good as well.

He moved to the hood too. It’s funny how many people move into my area.

There’s a spot in Central Park, the Bethesda Fountain, where if you sit there long enough, the entire city walks by. – Fools Rush In

Afterward, the boy and I went on another bike ride around the park.

I wonder what, if anything, he’ll remember of these moments.

Him: Papa, look! A raccoon.
Me: Man, you have some good eyes, kid.

Did manage to catch up with the Counselor the other night near her pad, though.

Me: Before I come in, you should know that I’m armed.
Her: (shrugging) It’s fine. I have weapons too.
Me: (laughing and handing them to her) Noted. Please don’t stab me.
Her: I can’t promise that.
Me: Fair.

I had injured myself yet again at my gym, this time my knee.

Her: Do you want me to wrap it for you? I’m pretty good at it.
Me: Why is that?
Her: (shrugging) Cheerleader captain. You have to know this kinda stuff.

She propped me up on a knee brace she happened to have and put an icepack on my knee.

Me: I gotta say, this is one of the weirder dates I’ve been on.
Her: (laughing) Rum?
Me: (looking at her bottle) That’s like moonshine.
Her: This is what I grew up on.
Me: Well, ok then.

She gave me back my scarf too.

I think I’m making progress. A little.

Location: earlier today, unwrapping dinner for the kid in the gym
Mood: hopeful
Music: You told me I was selfish (Spotify)
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Dear Alison, it’s 2022…

It’s been five years

Dear Alison,

It’s been five years since you died. Half a decade. That blows my mind.

This May is better than it’s been in the past, which – honestly – isn’t saying all that much.

The boy and I both miss you terribly. Well, I do. He misses a daydream of what he thinks you are. If only he knew how much better you really were.

The place is a mess but I’m trying my best. I just started making my bed, though. It only took 49 years.

God, you’d love this kid so much, honey.

He’s made of peanut butter and awesome. He can sing! Like, legit sing and play an instrument. No lie.

I’m so proud of him, I could burst, babe. You would be too.

I love him like a fat kid loves cake.

I love him because, he’s ours.

There’s so much more – good and bad – but I’m tired. I try my best not to think of you because things go dark when I do and I can’t go dark with the boy around.

I am his guard, after all. I have a job to do.

So I busy myself all these ridiculous things like strangers, Scenic Fights, and Paxibellum, but I’m just passing the time. Honestly, I would have been thrilled if I had the chance to spend the rest of my life just being your big-headed husband and the boy’s papa.

That would have been glorious.

Do you remember that stupid Blackadder joke I told you about years ago?

Him: Life without you is like a broken pencil.
Her: (puzzled) Explain?
Him: Pointless.

I think about that joke almost every goddamn day.

But lately, as always during this time, I find myself wishing that you were here and I was not. But, you knew that. You always loved life so, whereas, I always just loved you.

I’m going to put you away in my head again because I have to. It’s the only way I’ve made it this far. It’s the only way I can do my job.

But I’ll love you until the end of the world.

You knew that too, I suppose.

I miss you so much. It’s agony.

Our boy is the only thing that keeps me here. Because, I hate it here without you.

It’s all so pointless. It’s all so fucking pointless.

The Hubs

In My Life

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

 

Location: my possible pasts
Mood: heartbroken
Music: Not for better (Spotify)
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All sheen and no substance

Bet

Me: Sit down to eat your orange.
Boy: Why?
Me: I don’t want you to run around and choke on it.
Him: (rolling eyes) That’s never happened!

Don’t think things in the past are dispositive of things in the future, but I do think that they show probability.

Case in point, a month ago, wrote about the Empress Dowager and how the political corruption seemed eerily reminiscent of what’s going on in Ukraine now.

Back then, China’s navy – called the Beiyang Fleet – was supposed to be the largest fleet in Asia and the 8th in the world at the time.

According to all reports, it looked awe-inspiring.

But the basic purpose of a navy is to fight battles on the sea and, in this regard, it was all show. Because all the stuff you don’t see – ammunition, navigation tools, even basic training – was all lacking.

In other words, the Beiyang Feet was all sheen and no substance.

So, it seems the same with the Russian military machine.

Visually, its military looked formidable with modern looking tanks and such, but the less showy but equally important stuff was/is lacking.

Simple stuff like basic training, communication equipment, even navigation tools were all missing, which could explain how alla these career politicians like Putin could afford $700 million yachts.

Russian pilots are using store-bought GPS taped to their dashboards to navigate and Russian leaders are shooting their own wounded troops because they don’t have the basic medical supplies needed to save them.

And therein lies the problem with corruption, it hollows-out things of value from the inside so that everything looks good but it’s all for show.

Like I said, I don’t think things in the past are dispositive of things in the future, but I do think that they show probability.

Me: Past performance is no indication of future results. Sit down, eat your orange, and then you can play.
Him: Fiiiiine.

Me: Totally random but I’m gonna be taking my kid to Central Park on the east side on my bike today at around 5:30 or so if you’re out and about and want to randomly run into us.
Her: OMG, that sounds like so much fun!

Been biking around the city with the boy and we ended up on the East Side at some random playground not too far from the Counselor.

While we were there, the kid made friends with a little girl and they were having a pretty good time when I asked him to come over to do something for me.

He did and, presently, the little girl came over, put her hands on her hips, and exclaimed, “What’s going on here?! What’s taking you so long?”

That part made me laugh.

Counselor: I like her style.
Me: I can see the type of woman he’ll attract [in the future].
Her: Might run in the family.

It turns out that, of course, Heidi ended up going to Paris.

What’s with everyone heading to Paris, randomly?

Then again, I was actually planning on heading to Paris myself a few years back for some reasons that you wouldn’t believe if I told you.

I’m not even sure I believe it myself.

I laughed as I wrote this line because, man, I’ve been pretty starkers the past few years, lemme tell ya…

Pac: “Spam” stands for “specially proceed army meat.”
Me: Nope. It stands for “spiced ham.”
Him: Bet.
Me: $20 bucks says I’m not.
Tom: (looking it up) It stands for “spiced ham.”

As I said, I’ve been really busy lately, especially with Scenic Fights.

But, completely unrelated to it, Pac came by late two nights ago for me to fix up his laptop.

It was try number two, since the first time, we didn’t have the right items due to alla Apple’s proprietary nonsense.

We ended up trying to fix it for hours, without success. The thing about Pac is that he’s a man of his word. Without even asking, he Venmoed me $20 because of the Spam bet.

So, I told him I’d keep trying to fix his computer until it was done. It’s a gift for his dad, you see.

I know all about wanting to do stuff for people you care about.

Especially, when it comes to your parents.

And people that are more substance than sheen – like people that follow through with their commitments – get from me the most valuable thing I got besides the kid: My time.

Location: earlier tonight, just off Union Square, trying to rip off a friend’s lower leg
Mood: slightly less crazy
Music: Un peu naïve mais pas trop Pour ne jamais perdre la tête (Spotify)
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I’m a bitter person

Heidis

Last week was super busy. By design. Didn’t wanna have time to think.

We had a double shoot of Scenic Fights and will again this coming weekend. It’s been exhausting.

Brought the kid out to a diner and had brekkie with the ABFF around the way.

Her: You’re both having a burger for breakfast?
Me: (shrugging) It’s the breakfast of champions. Protein, fat, and fiber. What more do you need?
Boy: Burger! Burger! Burger!
Her: Wait, you gave it to him on whole wheat toast?! (to the boy) You know, in the real world, you have burgers on these fluffy, delicious…
Me: (interrupting) Stop undermining!

We almost had to reschedule the Scenic Fights shoot because I couldn’t find anyone to babysit the kid while we did the shoots but Pez came in and saved the day.

Her: Your kid is a RIOT!

He does have his moments.

After one shoot, we grabbed a quick drink before she left.

Me: I’m gonna warn you that it’s super sweet.
Her: (tasting the wine) Whoa, that is super sweet.
Me: Well, I’m a bitter person so…

She’s dealing with a whole raft of stuff, but that’s her story to tell. It was nice to catch up.

Which is less than I can say about the Counselor because we were trying to catch up most of the week. But, either something comes up with her or something comes up with me and we have to change plans.

We’re just two too busy people. Maybe this week.

Speaking of stuff to deal with, that girl Heidi, I mentioned, is dealing with some really crazy ones.

To the point that she dropped everything and high-tailed it to Europe for a spell.

Didn’t wanna pry but I’m gonna guess that she didn’t head to Ukraine.

Like Daisy, she’s dealing with a whole mess of things all at once but is trying to be better.

Me: Someone once said, “To try to be better is to be better.” So, I’m glad you’re trying.
Her: Thank you. I have a long way to go and I’m afraid I’ll never get there.

I give credit to people trying to be better. There’re few things more soul-crushing than to try and be told, repeatedly, that nothing is good enough.

Speaking of Heidis, I know a number of women with that name.

One is pretty well known in the cosplay circuit under the name Cosplay Kitten.

Her issues have been leaning towards horror; normally, I wouldn’t tell someone else’s story but she recently put up a GoFundMe for hers, which is cancer. It’s legit crazy how many people I now know with it or had it.

Anywho, if you want to toss some scratch her way, she’s a doll and could use the help here.

Getting back to Scenic Fights, there’s actually video connected to the podcast that mentioned last time, which you can see below.

It’s embarrassing because you literally just see the top of head for most of it.

But, it’s still better than nuthin, which is what happened earlier. See, this was actually the second one we did with these guys; the first one – which was better, IMHO – didn’t record properly so it was lost.

So, if you’ve not heard our podcast yet, here it is again in video. Enjoy my enormous head talking about nonsense.

Location: earlier today, just off Union Square, getting slammed to the ground by Pac
Mood: exhausted
Music: Let’s leave before we eat each other alive (Spotify)
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personal

I found treasure

Aloha Teahouse

Mother’s Day was hard. Alison would have been 43 this week.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Counselor: How was your Mothers Day?
Me: It started off pretty bad but ended really amazing.
Her: Oh, why?
Me: (excitedly) I found treasure! Hold on, lemme show you!

While I saw my mom and sister’s family for Mother’s Day, my head was fulla Alison and my dad.

My sister asked that I help clean out the basement, which was mostly my dad’s stuff, but also some of mine and my brother’s randomness here and there.

I’ll tell you more about all that later but do you remember when I told you about the paper umbrellas and my dad?

Well, there’s a coda to that story: He had alla these scary, but cool looking, mugs and glasses that we weren’t allowed to use. Those were for the customers.

Only discovered when I was older that they were tiki mugs and my dad’s restaurant – called Aloha Teahouse – was fashioned after a Japanese hibachi restaurant and tiki bar.

Fast forward to last week. My sister wrote my brother and me that she found a whole box of these.

Sister: Finally giving away these mugs from Aloha Teahouse that dad kept in the garage.
Me: (shocked) Wait! Is there one I could have?! I didn’t realize we had these!

Evidently, they’ve been sitting in our garage since 1984 and I never knew.

Asked her to hold onto four of them for me and she did. My book bag was already stuffed to the brim with things to bring back to my pad, which I’ll tell you about later.

Mom: Just bring back the cups next time.
Me: I can’t. I’m worried they’ll break or they’ll be lost. I gotta bring them back now.

Took my time getting home because I had to manage the kid, all the junk I was hauling back, the food my mom and sister gave me, and the treasure in my bag.

After getting the kid settled and putting away the food, I gently washed each one of the cups and dried them. Once the kid went to sleep, I put all four of them onto the kitchen table and stared at them.

The last time I laid eyes on them was in 1980, 42 years ago.

I had never drunk out of any of them because my dad wouldn’t let me since we were so young.

Somehow, they gave me comfort. I still haven’t drank out of them yet but I will. Maybe in 42 years.

They made me feel like my dad was still around.

I’ve not seen nor spoken to Mouse in months.

But we used to have this thing that we used my little cubby in the gym as a dropbox; I’d leave her things like stuff she left in my house and she’d leave random things for me, like a magazine she knew I loved to read but never bought.

A few months ago, I came in and found these paper umbrellas there.

No real reason, she just decided to leave them there for me.

I asked her why later on – she didn’t leave a note or anything, but I knew it was her – and she said that she just wanted me to have them so I could make the kid a Shirley Temple and tell him stories of my dad.

And that, in a nutshell, is Mouse.

As for me, I think I will use them for exactly what she suggested.

Maybe even with these cups/mugs. Maybe.

Him: Why can’t I touch them?
Me: Because they’re from my papa. He’s not here anymore and I miss him so much that just having these make me think he’s here. Because they were his, so they’re special to me.
Him: (sadly) I don’t know why but that makes me sad. I’m sorry your daddy isn’t here. (thinking) Can I give you a hug?
Me: Heck, yeah – c’mere, kid!

Quick little admin note, Chad and I are in a podcast this Friday the 13th at 11AM so tune in and check us out?

Here’s where you can go:

APPLE PODCASTS: https://podcasts.apple.com/me/podcast/ikuzos-unscripted-podcast/id1586974342

SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3FLnOT2GnvWBh2aqJq0sR0?si=1tVpICTbSFKO_PCdThYISQ

GOOGLE PODCASTS: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy82YzBjYzhmMC9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw

DEEZER: https://deezer.page.link/kMHbvMuZ5Lw25ZaM6

INSTAGRAM: https://instagram.com/ikuzo_unscripted

WEBSITE: anchor.fm/ikuzounscripted

 

Location: 1979, a barstool in a hibachi restaurant on New York Route 141, drinking a Shirley Temple from a highball made by my dad
Mood: gutted
Music: I just wish I could have told him in the living years (Spotify)
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personal

What gets wetter the more it dries?

Unseeing things

Him: What gets wetter the more it dries?
Me: A towel.
Him: Correct!

It’s been a weird week, which sounds about right. Like always, I need to sort it all out.

Her: I just want to be normal and boring: A job that I sort of hate, two kids that have too many activities, and a husband that knows that when I make a certain favorite dinner of his, it’s my silent I Love You.
Me: Let me get the kid down and I’ll give you a quick ring. 
Her: Not best time to speak.
Me: OK, then we’ll try at some point. I’m sorry things are so hard.
Her: Thank you. I feel like you understand better than anyone else
Me: Like I said, grief and I are old friends. Take care of yourself.

For all the other single parents out there, I honestly don’t know how you do it. I’m tired all the damn time. Him getting COVID and missing a week of school didn’t help matters.

Still, I’m grateful that his COVID experience was radically different than mine. He was happy as a clam and at full energy levels.

Him: What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mount Everest was discovered?
Me: Hmm, I don’t know.
Him: Mount Everest!
Me: Clever…

He’s so full of energy and curiosity that it’s hard to manage. But I’m trying to see the world as he does – full of wonder and mysteries to be solved.

Him: (walking outside with me) How does water get into our apartment?
Me: (stopping) Do you see that wooden barrel on the top of that building? Ok there are two pipes inside, one small pipe that sends water up to the barrel. The second pipe is bigger and…
Him: (later) There are wooden barrel everywhere, papa!
Me: That’s called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon; once you see something, you can’t unsee it.

Therein lies my problem with life. I’ve seen way too much. I know too much.

As much as I’d like to unsee things, most times I can’t. Which is why I value the ability to forget so much.

I spend a lotta my time actively trying to forget things and people. To survive everything I’ve survived, I have to leave so many things I once loved in the past.

Man, to be like this kid and see the world for the first time. To get a do-over.

Him: What are those lines in the street for?
Me: It’s so the cars don’t hit each other. They’re called “lanes,” and people try to stay in them to keep everyone else safe.

I’m not sure how I could possibly be more jaded. Shit, the entire month of May is a reminder of things I’ve lost and try to forget.

Him: What do you have to break to use?
Me: Eggs.
Him: Correct!

As much as I take care of the boy, the boy takes care of me as well.

I can be coldly dispassionate about things but, with children, that’s not healthy. So, I find myself trying to be in the moment with him as much as I can – with optimism and joy, which is pretty much him in a nutshell.

Him: What has four legs, is green and brown, and would hurt you if it fell off of a tree?
Me: (thinking) I don’t know.
Him: A pool table!
Me: (laughing) Well, that’s just silly.
Him: (giggling) I know! A pool table!

I know he doesn’t know that I’m faking it.

But I worry that, someday, he will.

See, while I know a shitton of nonsense, people escape me.

I don’t get people. While I’m great with people, I don’t understand people.

That’s a whole entry in itself.

In some ways, I’m great with the kid because I talk to him the way I talk to most of the world, for better or worse.

Few people get my full dispassionate cerebration, otherwise, I’d just be alone again, like I was when I was a kid.

Him: What eats apples and books?
Me: A bookworm!
Him: Correct!

I remember watching Dexter with Alison in Bermuda and wondering if she made the connection that both that character and I (to a much lesser degree) fake so much of being normal.

If she did, she never let on.

Suppose, in the end, it didn’t matter.

As for the kid, all I really want is for this kid to be better, and happier, than I. At the very least, I hope and expect that he’ll get along with people as well as I do but he’ll understand them in a way I don’t think I ever will.

If wishes were horses, yeah?

Him: What building has the most stories?
Me: A library!
Him: You’re good at these, papa!
Me: (nodding) I spent a lot of my life thinking, kiddo. A lot of time alone with my thoughts. Something that I hope you won’t have to do.

Location: the basement of my brain again
Mood: dreading Mother’s Day
Music: Are we out of the woods yet? (Spotify)
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personal

Cupcakes for brekkie

A small kindness

Been doing all sorts of activities to try to keep the boy entertained.

He’s happy to not be in school but misses his friends.

So, I just baked a whole crapton of almond flour chocolate cupcakes and cake for him, just to cheer him up and so he would have something tasty and, relatively speaking, nutritious.

Several of the boy’s classmates also have COVID, so we’ve worked out our own little pod system where they rotate time with each of us.

It’s better than nuthin.

Little girl: I’m bored.
Me: Wonderful! I have math problems for you to do.
Her: Noooooo! We’ll read.
Me: Good choice.

As always, May’s a pretty awful month for me in general. I still hate May.

Alison was born in May. She died in May. Mother’s Day is May.

It’s like, one hit after another.

On a smaller, but more annoying, note, it turns out that allergy season peaks in May as well. Of course.

Somehow, though, I feel that this May will be more manageable – emotionally, at least – than previous Mays.

One thing that really gave me a sigh of relief was when the kid’s teacher wrote to say that they wouldn’t be doing Mother’s Day or Father’s Day this year but “Family Day.”

Evidently, I’m not the only parent in the class that has an unconventional family.

I wrote her a short thank you and she wrote back that she was glad she could help in some small way to give me one less thing to stress about.

It’s the small kindnesses that I think I value the most.

Him: Can I have a cupcake for breakfast?
Me: A muffin is just a naked cupcake so, sure, why not?
Him: You’re the best papa, ever!
Me: This may well be true.

Location: in the gym for the first time in a while
Mood: hesitant
Music: you are my sunrise on the darkest day, got me feelin’ some kind of way (Spotify)
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personal

It’s always something

But at least he’s happy

Client: Did you finish [the work]?
Me: Shoot, no, my entire weekend and this week got shot. I can get it to you this afternoon. I’ve just gotta get a few things done right now. Is 4PM too late?
Him: That’ll be ok.

The kid’s eczema is somewhat under control in the sense that it’s gone from pretty darn bad to just bad.

Whereas before, it was the entirety of his lower back, arms, and back of legs, it’s now somewhat localized to just his arms. It still keeps him up at night, scratching, though. It’s painful for both of us – in very different ways.

Found myself sitting outside his room, hoping that he won’t call me to come in and help.

Fortunately, the oatmeal baths, a crapton of homemade oatmeal cookies/bars/pancakes/cereal and constant moisturizing seem to have helped matters a great deal.

But, of course, it’s always something.

He got COVID.

I’ve been taking COVID tests every few days because I’ve been coughing my head off for months. All negative.

I think that – back when I got COVID in 2020 – it really messed up my lungs without my realizing it. Had really light allergies that basically meant a consistent but light cough and that was about it.

Now, when the pollen count is high, I’m in misery. Coughing, sneezing, itchy eyes/throat, etc.

Misery.

To the point that, during gym class, Chad literally has to stop teaching for a moment because I’m coughing so much.

Him: I’m trying to time it.

Of course, considering that my dad died of lung cancer, there’s that concern as well. But I note that, when pollen counts are low, I tend to be fine.

When they’re high, sometimes I’m fine, most times I’m not.

Right now, I wanna crawl into bed and just sleep everything off.

Anywho, regarding the kid, I wasn’t planning on having him take a COVID test because – eczema aside – he’s just totally normal: High energy, bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

But he was supposed to see the ABFF’s kids over the three-day weekend so, outta an abundance of caution, I gave us both a test.

As always, mine was negative but I was floored when his was positive.

That set off a flurry of emails, texts, and calls to rearrange a whole bevy of things and give notice to a raft of people.

Me: I have to cancel this week, I…
Her: If you don’t want to see me, stop wasting my time.
Me: It’s not that, I… <CLICK> Well, that worked itself out…

Least of which is the Counselor as we’ve been playing phone, text, and date-tag for the past few days because we’re both so busy.

Me: I’m on daddy duty all week as my son’s not allowed back into school until Friday. COVID. So, XXXX may well be out. I’m hoping he’ll be negative for my sitter at [some point]. We’ll play it by ear?
Counselor: Woooow. Sheesh it really is everywhere again. And it’s fine.

Chad and I had a podcast to do just the other day, which I arranged for the kid to be safely away at that time, and we did quite well, I thought.

Him: I got bad news.
Me: Oh no, what?
Him: The video didn’t record. Something happened on their end. We gotta do it again.
Me: Well, of course we do.

Dammit. It’s always something.

At least the kid’s happy.

Him: No school?! All week?! YAAAY! No school! No school! No school!
Me: Yeah. Yay.
Him: No school! No school! No school!
Me: (nodding, slowly)

Location: home, obvs
Mood: so damn tired
Music: gimme some sign. I think that we’re supposed to be (Spotify)
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