I already promised her

She is my person

Alison McCarthy on the Brooklyn Bridge

My birthdays have sucked lately.

We went in for an emergency MRI on Friday, despite all our plans.

The cancer is growing stronger and bigger while she’s growing weaker and sicker.

And I die a little every minute.

That picture above was taken after my buddy’s wedding years ago. Knew at that moment, she was my person.

That she loves me as deeply as she does is worth more than anything you might imagine. And I love her so. I would do anything to take this from her.

I would do anything.

For those of you that have read me for years, you know I struggle with depression and dark thoughts. I struggle now.

The people in my life know that too. So I called my mom last night.

Her: …and you? Will you be ok?
Me: No. But I’m not going to hurt myself if that’s what you’re asking.
Her: I am.
Me: I have to raise our son. I won’t let him grow up alone.
Her: Promise me.
Me: Mom, I already promised her. 

\’

Location: the saddest place you know
Mood: absolutely f_____g crushed
Music: And oh my love remind me, what was it that I said?
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15 thoughts on “I already promised her”

  1. Logan,
    It’s Amanda Gershkowitz. I just wanted to let you know I’m praying for your beautiful wife’s recovery and wish only wonderful things for you and your family. All my best during this extremely hard time.
    Amanda

    1. Mandy – it’s so nice to hear from you. You’re sweet to write me and wish my little family well. Thank you for that.

      I hope you and Gertie are doing great and that you’ve found your person too. Life is so much better when you have your person.

  2. Logan,

    What you’re going through right now stirs up memories of what it felt like when I was 12, going through my father’s battle with cancer, and when I look back today, at 37, only the love remains. The love we shared together, through suffering and misery as well as through joy and tenderness. While we each have our own journey through deep suffering, I want to tell you that there will come a time, as far away as it may seem, that you will also hold onto the love and be able to gently set down the rest to a safe place, where it will no longer do you harm.

    1. I am not ready to let go of her yet. I don’t think anyone is ever ready.

      I keep thinking somehow she’ll beat this damn thing. If only I could think of a way to save her.

    2. I have read a lot since my brother has been diagnosed wit GBM. Your message that I just read was the first one that has made me cry. Beautifully written with a message that allows me to see beyond these oh so tiring days

  3. Logan,
    I’m not even sure how I came to read your story..I’ve been following for a year or more. This entry hit me hard. Please know people are lifting your little family up…Marcia

  4. If you are not ready to let go then “Do not lower your hands because you may do it just two seconds before miracle”

  5. I have been reading your story for a year or so now and just wanted to wish your family the best. I’m sorry for what all of you are going through.

  6. I am so sorry for all that you and Alison are going through. I think of you and your family often.

  7. Hi Logan – I’ve been reading your entries since your LiveJournal days. When you first wrote about your wife, I prayed and I will continue to pray for your family.

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