Meant to put up a video of the kid doing a takedown in BJJ in my last entry but I didn’t have the video edited for that so here it is now:
In any case, after the party, we hightailed it to New Jersey to see the in-laws – my MIL ended up making meatloaf and she and I ended up chatting about the time that Alison and she both made the ATK meatloaf.
Her: That one turned out really well. Me: After all these years, I still remember it.
Sorry. I get lost in my head and my memories sometimes.
Left that night to get home and get some work done. On the way home, I heard someone call out my name.
It turned out to be the ABFF’s sister, who just happened to be heading back into the city on the exact same train as me.
One of the things I had to do here while the boy’s away is check out apartments.
Essentially, I never seriously thought about moving – at least not without Alison – in the past but with this massive real estate tax rise, I have to figure out my other options.
The boy’s away all week for his mid-winter break so that gives me time to work and work on things that I need to focus on.
Before I dropped him off, though, we had a lotta activities together.
One thing is that he’s been enjoying his BJJ classes more after I essentially forced him to spar. Initially, he didn’t wanna do it.
Him: I’m just gonna lose. They’re better than me. Me: I, honestly, don’t care if you win or lose. I care if you try or not. It goes like this: (1) I need you to try, (2) If you fail, you have to try again, and (3) if you win, that’s great, but 1 and 2 are much more important. Him: So, you don’t care if I lose? Me: (shaking head) I care if you give up before you even start. Winning is great, but trying – that’s what’s important to papa.
So, after his very first roll – which he won – he’s been loving the sparring aspect to it. That’s been wonderful.
Afterward, the Firecracker and her son came by for a pizza playdate; she actually brought stuff for the kids to make pizza and they participated in some culinary arts.
Her: I dated a guy for nine months, and he never met my son. Me: Why not? Her: (shrugging) I guess I didn’t think he was my guy. Me: Works for me.
Let’s be honest, the kids could work on their symmetry and pizza-making skills BUT, I suppose that’s not the point of the whole exercise.
They left late, and both kids wanted to hang out longer but it was waaay past everyone’s bedtimes, including my own.
Me: So, what did you think of them? The boy: They’re nice. More than nice. I like them. Me: Good, maybe we’ll do that again.
In hindsight, pizza was probably not the best idea, because the very next day, we went to a pizza party for one of the kid’s friends around the way.
Do you remember when I told you that the kid was playing with this one girl for a while and that girl told him that she didn’t want to play with him anymore so he just turned around and met another girl named Sandy?
Well, some two years later, Sandy and the kid are still friends and she just turned 8 the other day and invited us to Chelsea Piers to do some ice skating.
Here’s the thing: The kid’s never been ice skating before. So, Sandy and her family essentially invited us to experience the kid’s very first time ice skating.
For some reason, I found that both sweet and fascinating – it’s so interesting to me that I get to experience another human being experiencing something for the first time.
In any case, he was literally falling down for the entire hour. But, goddamn if that kid didn’t smile, struggle to his feet, and try again.
Honestly, I was so proud of this kid. He didn’t cry once.
I do admit I laughed a lot more than I should, but he was so unsinkable, I didn’t feel awful about myself.
Me: So, what did you think of ice skating? Him: I liked it! (thinking) But I wasn’t very good at it. Me: (shaking head) That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you tried, and you kept getting up even though you kept falling. Are you proud of yourself? Him: Yes! Me: I am too.
Afterward, I spoke to Sandy’s dad…
Me: you asked me to drink the wine so you wouldn’t have to take it home. I just wanna say, I did as you asked. Him: (laughing) Did you really? Me: I did. Because I’m a good friend, that’s why. I do as asked.
…as well as her mom…
Her: You know, I’m still reading your blog. Me: That’s great! Her: So…how’s the Firecracker? Me: (laughs)
It was a pretty insanely cold weekend this past weekend.
6 degrees was the low on both Friday and Saturday with Sunday having a high of 48 degrees, which was all pretty absurd.
Oddly, the gym was bursting at the seams on the coldest day of the week.
Didn’t expect that at all.
Sunday, I found out that my buddy, Grace, was holding a passport registration thingy in Flushing so I decided to (a) support her and (b) take care of getting the kid a passport.
Figured it’d be win-win. I was wrong.
First of all, the 7 train, which we use to get out there, wasn’t running so we had to transfer a few times to get to where it was.
Then when we showed up, the line was around the block. Literally.
We stood there for a solid hour.
The kid tried to entertain himself as best he could.
Ultimately, it didn’t move so we ended up just bailing.
I’m seeing my college friends this weekend for a 90s-themed dinner, so I decided to get a cheap haircut while we were in Flushing and also see my fam.
The kid was a riot over at the hair salon – the following was all in my crappy Chinese.
Her: He said, “thank you,” in Chinese! Me: That’s about all he can say. Her: It’s a start. Can I give him a piece of candy? Me: Sure! He’ll love that. Her: It’s doesn’t matter what kind of kid it is, they all love sweets, don’t they? Me: Looks that way. But he does like to eat.
Afterward, I went to see my mom and sister.
They both cooked and I ate until I was beyond stuffed.
I had the saddest thought recently, that there’ll come a time when I’ll wanna see my mom and I won’t be able to.
Shit, just writing that hurt my heart.
Me: Thanks for dinner, mom! (pause) I love you. Her: You’re welcome! And I love you too!
Think my sister may be the only person that regularly bakes more than me for his/her kids.
Like me, she bakes high fiber, low-carb, delicious things. Tonight was a chocolate swirl cheesecake that was killer.
When I went for my second slice, we had the following exchange:
Her: Hey, do you want some tea? Me: Do I! Her: Decaf? Me: Great! Her: Heavy cream ok? Me: Yes, please. Her: Here you go. (hands me cup, sits down) So…tell me about the Firecracker. Me: (laughs)
Location: this afternoon, showing the kid where I grew up
Mood: thoughtful
Music: If it’s alright, I’d like to stay (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Met up with the Firecracker for an early morning burger the other day as well, after I dropped the kid off at school.
Me: This used to be a joint called The Royal Canadian Pancake House that sold pancakes as big as [a trashcan lid]. Her: That sounds ridiculous. Me: (nodding) Totally was.
Like I said, there’s something incredibly convenient about seeing someone from the hood.
The fact that she’s sweet, smart, and hot doesn’t hurt.
Her: Let’s not give this thing a name, Lo. I like things how they are. Me: (nodding) That’s fine. I take direction well.
Later that week, I brought her a salad because she was working from home and was down for company.
We’re finding that, with the exception of a couple bright-line differences, we seem to live similar lives.
Me: I also brought you some bread. Her: (shaking head) You’re sweet but I don’t generally eat carbs. Usually just a protein and veggies. Me: OMG, that’s exactly like me.
She makes me laugh because she only ever calls me by my full name, “Logan Lo,” or just “Lo.”
She reminds me of the kids in Peanuts that call Charlie Brown by his full name, or Calvin and Hobbes calling Susie Derkins, “Susie Derkins.”
I only ever call her the Firecracker because I know three people with the exact same name as her.
Plus, I think it’s apropos to her personality.
We’re breaking all our rules around each other for some reason. For example, she introduced me to both her dad and sister, as well as her kid, something that she doesn’t normally do.
I break rules for her too but that’s something I’ll just keep to myself.
Part of being a single-father is finding things that the kid and I can both do together.
I got him this wooden knife kit just to have something to do with him and was excited to put it together with him and talk about things like knife safety and such.
Unfortunately, he didn’t really understand that it was supposed to be a him-and-me thingy and he gave it to his sitter to put together with him.
Tried my best to hide my disappointment – after all, it was my fault that I didn’t tell him that it was a him-and-me thing – but I was still bummed that we couldn’t do it.
Still, I like this little life he and I have together.
But I daydream of more.
I wonder if “more” is in the cards for a fella like me.
Me: Thanks. Her: For what? Me: (shrugging) It’s nice having someone to daydream about. It’s been a long time since I could daydream about anyone without it hurting. Her: (nodding) Yeah…
Him: Are you kidding? That’s the best. You have a built in playdate! Me: I dunno. Him: Expand your horizons! You have a kid, why shouldn’t she?
Only two people I’ve ever dated met the kid.
Personally, I think that the more good souls the kid meets, the better, but I understand her point of view, which is that she doesn’t want her kid to get super attached to a fella only to have him disappear.
She dated a few people before me but no one ever met her kid.
But my own kid and I had a weekend class thingy just a few blocks from her house.
Me: Do you have any interest in randomly running into me and my son on Saturday at 2:45 in the park? Her: Maybe? Me: Works for me.
Already had a full morning with the kid, and then the gym, and then this kid’s party thingy, and then a party with some other friends of mine so I was already packed to the gills.
After the gym, we were running late so I brought the kid to the local McD’s around the corner.
Me: I’ve failed as a parent. (later) We’ll be at [the park] by 2:30 but I’m sure we’ll message beforehand. Her: I’m positive you’ll message me before then. Me: Don’t be so sure! You think I like you *that* much? Her: Yup.
30 minutes later, I’m in the park and I see her come in with her son. She sits down and we “introduce” ourselves. After a little while, our kids start to interact.
It’s really quite cool, I must say.
We were out there in freezing cold for a solid two hours – I think some of the other parents were wondering what was going on.
Afterward, the kid and I walked them halfway home before heading to our last destination of the day.
Me: (holding out hand) It was lovely meeting you, Ms. Firecracker, and you too Little Firecracker. Her: (taking hand) Nice meeting you Logan Lo, and you as well.
And then the boy and I went on our final adventure for the day but I’ll tell you about that tomorrow or something.
My normal modus operandi when I meet someone I really like is to immediately find 2-5 other people to date, if I’m not already seeing anyone else, so that I’m not obsessing over one person.
That’s served me well for decades. After all, I’m aware of how a lotta things work, particularly myself.
But I’m still upgrading my OS and trying to do things differently.
In fact, for the first time, I went the other way around, in a manner of speaking.
Of course, I found myself in front of Alison’s apartment.
Remembered when I first visited there and the day we moved her stuff out. It seems like both yesterday and a lifetime ago.
Wanted to ring the bell because there was a tiny (crazy) part of me that hoped maybe she’d answer. But the saner bits of my brain won out.
Barely.
Probably for the best, otherwise, I’da been arrested.
As for the girl, we met up at a restaurant I’d never been to.
It was a nice night. She was easy on the eyes, which helped.
Her: I wore this for you. Me: Trust me when I tell you that I appreciate it.
We ended up hanging out and chatting for about five hours and hit up a few different places before she gave me a lift in her whip.
It was after midnight when I finally went to bed.
To be honest, it was a really fun and interesting night. But, like the narrator says in Fight Club, these are all single-serving friends; her for me and me for her.
It was a one-and-done, like most of these nights go.
Lviv dropped me a line the other day as well to wish me a Happy New Year.
She and her fella moved outta state and they seem to be doing well. I wonder if things would be different if we met now instead of then.
It’s strange, you never can tell who stays in your Venn Diagram and who leaves.
Her: I’m sure something good is coming your way 🙂 Me: Thanks, Lviv! Here’s hoping…
Here’s hoping.
Location: earlier tonight, on West 94th Street, playing Taboo
Mood: hoping
Music: I been looking for a new ride (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Her: I’m sorry about your wife. Me: So am I. All my gods look like her. Her: What does that mean? Me: Nuthin. (brightening) Let’s play a game…
It’s the first day of 2023.
I’m writing this on a computer that I first built when Alison was still alive and upgraded repeatedly, such that there’s nuthin left of the original computer, just like I talked about in my Ship of Theseus.
One thing that I did after the hack was to upgrade the operating system of that computer from Windows 10 to Windows 11, something I did with great reluctance.
Still working through the pros and cons of that, but I note that I went through Windows 7, 8, 8.1, and 10 on this machine before finally arriving here.
Just like the philosophical exercise of the Ship of Theseus, the question remains if there’s anything left of the original computer that I originally built all those years ago.
Speaking of philsophy, this blog has, more than anything, been my own personal repository of how I see the world, kinda like Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations.
Suppose my operating system has always been based on German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, who was introduced to me in my 20s by the Devil.
One of my earliest blog entries spoke about a quote that served me well my entire life: With increased intelligence comes increased capacity for pain.
When Alison, my dad, and another relative got sick – all at the same time – and I essentially gave up my career(s) to try (and fail) to save them, then lost Gradgirl and Mouse, I think that the truth of that statement is why I’m here writing you now.
Schopenhauer’s worldview was that life is, at its core, suffering.
Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom. – Arthur Schopenhauer
At no point in this blog – through all the highs and lows – did my baseline OS change; it was always run on some variant of Schopenhauer.
And you know my feeling about those who’s worldview never changes. I can’t be a hypocrite.
All this, despite the fact that some baseline beliefs of his contradicted directly with my own heart’s desire.
For example, I’ve always wanted family and family, by definition, requires children. Yet Schopenhauer, like my billionaire buddy, feels that “Bearing children into this world is like carrying wood into a burning house.”
Schopenhauer, as the base operating system of my life, was ill-equipped to deal with the overwhelming sadness and despair of it all, for various reasons.
For example, Schopenhauer’s world view of Wille zum Leben respected love like one respects a dangerous animal, but it doesn’t deal with love, which I both respect and submit to.
To Schopenhauer, love is an illogical means to an important end: The extension of our very species.
I understand that but, having loved and lost in the profound ways I have, I think it’s an idealized version of what humans are actually capable of.
While it’d be nice to live a life purely pragmatically, the way humans are designed, it’s not practical. Because emotions exist and aren’t going away.
I need an OS that reflects that reality.
The Devil’s gone from my life and, while I appreciate all that he’s shown me in the world, the OS he helped build for me doesn’t work with who I am now, especially given all that’s happened.
Moreover, I want more for my son. Assuming that Schopenhauer was correct, and our universe is only what we experience through our mental facilities – our operating system – then I plan on giving my son the best one I can.
After close to 30 years of working on myself, I think that answer lies in Stoicism. Not “stoicism” with a lower-case “s,” rather the full philosophy of Zeno, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca.
The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts. – Marcus Aurelius
I don’t think, at all, that Schopenhauer was wrong, or that the last three decades of my life were wasted. Rather, I think that it’s served its purpose for what I needed for that time and that version of me. Now, I have a new purpose – the boy – and that requires a new way of thinking.
We suffer more often in imagination than in reality. – Seneca
It’s still early yet in all this. Just like it’s early in the new year.
But I spent the last month reexamining my life and need to discard the things that aren’t working for me anymore, if they ever did, and find things that do work.
Don’t think you’ll notice any drastic changes here, per se. Just little things for myself as I try to give myself and – by extension, the boy – the tools I’ll need to be the best version of myself.
Man conquers the world by conquering himself. – Zeno
I’m still me, but I wonder how much of who and what I am/was is still there or if I’m a completely new being altogether, just like this computer I type alla this out on.
On that note, let’s start the new year off with a song.
This is by a young woman named King Princess that my brother introduced to me a little while ago.
Can’t put my finger on it, but it always makes me dream that my life might be better than it is.
Maybe it’s the line that goes, “I will keep on waiting for your love,” which goes directly against Schopenhauer’s distant respect of the concept of love.
Because love’s not only something I respect, but also something I want – to both give and receive – so it’s worthy of patience and time.
Even if it never comes my way again.
Here’s to 2023 and changing for the better.
Her: (surprised) Why did you do that? Me: (shrugging) Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Her: (laughing) OK. (pause) You can do it again.
Location: in the first hours of 2023, on W 97, wondering if we should sell our apartments and move to NJ
Mood: new(ish)
Music: I love it when you try to save me (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Her: So, what’s your typical day like? Me: Well, there’s a lotta singing.
Like I said, I’m really behind in what I wanted to tell you but I’m also behind in putting up videos.
See, through the course of my day, I record rando things that I find interesting, thinking that I’ll show you them.
But, by the time I get around to remembering that I have them and take them off my phone to upload here, the moment has long past.
Ergo, I though I’d end out this year a bit differently by posting somea these rando videos for you to see, if you’re so inclined, in no particular order.
The first is a glimpse as to what my day is typically like.
The kid likes to practice his ukulele on my bed while singing me something.
I feel compelled to tell you that he’s six in this video, which I cannot express how proud of him I am.
Speaking of my son, he’s been taking swimming classes all year, hopefully to avoid something like what happened over the summer.
But I figure that you don’t wanna just see grainy vids of my kid.
The other big part of my life is the gym, so heading there, I see some pretty interesting things, I gotta say.
Here’s a quick sampling of a busker in Times Square, albeit from last May.
Actually, there are quite a number of buskers all over the city.
These are some at Union Square in September, just a couple of blocks from Paxibellum.
As for non-musical things, there was also the time that I left the gym and caught this sight; it doesn’t look like much but what’s happening is that water is coming out of an upper floor window onto the streets below.
This means that either a pipe broke or someone left their water on in their apartment, filling that apartment with water so high that it went over the window and onto the floor below.
I’m gonna guess that the lower floor apartments and businesses were not happy that day. You can hear sirens going off in the distance
There are a ton more videos but I figure I’d just toss these up.
Now, I was torn with ending this entry with either this symbolic store display in the UWS which – if it’s 3AM and you’re two sheets to the wind – is goddamn fascinating…
…OR posting this of my son at B&H Photo, where I went to get a small server for my apartment after the last major hack.
He was enthralled by the very modern-yet-old-timey interior conveyer belt system.
Here’s hoping that 2023 is better than the past few years.
Him: What will you do for New Year’s? Me: I’ll dream of my family. Him: That’s boring! Me: (laughing) Not to me, kid. Not to me.
Location: my apartment, wondering what I should do tonight
Mood: cautiously optimistic (?)
Music: See, that pain was all around (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
The boy’s been away for a few days, so I’ve been out every night this week and it’s been exhausting.
I’m waaay behind in updates and this is – I think – the first time that I’m posting chronologically outta order, at least to this extent.
This is because, even before he left, I was amping up my social life for a number of reasons.
Some things, I’m keeping to myself, which is why I’ve not mentioned any of them; I was trying to figure out what I wanted to share and what I didn’t.
So, I gotta fill in some gaps.
To wit, before the kid left, we headed down to Chinatown for some food. While there, we came across his name on onea those novelty license plates.
Him: PLEASE?!?! Me: We’re not made of money, kid! Him: (sadly) Oh… Me: (sighing) Fiiine… Him: Yay! Me: OK, but now I’m getting a haircut, then.
Man, I’m so easy.
When we walked into my usual joint, one of the women that worked there had this huge bloody kerchief on her head. Evidently, she fell down and cracked her head open.
The owner waved me in to sit down anyway and get a haircut so I did. Before long, EMT came over to pick up the other lady. It was surreal.
Him: Is she gonna be OK? Me: I think so. If it was really bad, they wouldn’t have let us in. Him: Ah…
The Chinese food we had downtown wasn’t enough so, a few days later, the boy and I met up with Pac, the NFL Player and my buddy Thor around the way for some authentic Szechwan Chinese food as well.
Me: Does anyone here mind spicy food? Boy: I do! Me: (shaking head) Besides my son, does anyone here mind spicy food?
Obvs, nonea them did so we gorged ourselves on a ton of killer dishes like this spicy lamb and taro dish below.
We ended up ordering a ton of food and a ton of drinks.
It was late when we left but school was already over, so I figured it was fine.
I’m still pretty behind in entries but I’m gonna try to get to it all. Eventually.
Girl-with-yellow-eyes: I found your blog. Me: Well, that was bound to happen. Her: Why do you even have it? Me: Such a long story. OK, so, there was this reporter…
It had a high in the mid 50s but then a low of 7 degrees. It was so cold that we contemplated closing the gym but decided to just keep it open.
Speaking of gyms, the kid was great all week – he got another stripe on his BJJ belt to boot – that I relented when he asked if I could get him a Happy Meal before we went to the gym.
Damn, that company knows how to work kids.
In any case, it was good that we kept the gym open because it was 19 degrees outside that night but inside was pretty comfortable.
I had these ideas to improve the R-values of our insulation and it was nice to see that what we implemented did the trick.
Me: Considering that we’re all not wearing shirts, I’d say this was a success. Him: Or, we’re right by the showers. Me: Don’t take this from me. It’s the holidays.
Speaking of the holidays, I’d been meaning to spend time with my mom but I didn’t like the thought of Alison’s parents spending it with just the two of them, so we made the trek out there.
It was so cold, not even the pidgins wanted to be outside.
Son: Will you stay overnight? Me: Do you really want me to stay? Him: Of course! You’re my papa.
Usually, we have a pretty nice meat dish – like a prime rib or something – but this year we had homemade meatballs and baked ziti.
I wasn’t complaining.
Plus, when my MIL picked me up from the station, she brought this:
Me: God, you know me so well. Thanks! Her: If it’s ok, I wouldn’t mind having a chicken breast. Me: I’ll consider it.
Although, the kid’s dessert had more iron than we were expecting.
Me: I think it’s a nut – and not the kind you eat! Her: How did that get in there? Me: You’re asking me?
There were a buncha things I’d been meaning to read/watch, including this one documentary called Fish & Men, which I found interesting.
Read the kid a book that my sister-in-law bought us years ago with a single dad and his son. Gotta say, it almost made me cry.
But I was surprised when the boy started to cry.
Me: Why are you crying? Him: I don’t know…I miss mommy. Me: (nodding) We can stop. How about a hug? Him: (nodding) Me: Sweeeeeet, cm’ere you…
I woulda stayed over longer but the heat stopped in my building and I’m the only one that understands how to work the boiler.
Me: OK, with the data you now know: There’s no heat in the downstairs units, but heat in the upstairs units, what can you conclude from this data, kid? Him: (thinking) The heat is stuck on the top and can’t come down. Me: (laughing) That’s not bad, actually. It’s something like that.
It’s weird, up until a month ago, the kid and I were the only males in the building; a fella just moved into one of the units but the rest of the building is all X-chromosomes who were decidedly cold.
So, I left a lot earlier than I planned because (a) I didn’t want them freezing in the single digits but (b) I also didn’t want my pipes freezing.
Because heat and pressure are closely linked, I had to increase the temp of everything to increase the pressure enough to force all the accumulated cold water in the radiators down the pipes but not so much that the whole thing…explodes.
Dying wasn’t high on my list of to-dos this holiday season (this time) so I kept a pretty close eye on the pressure gagues.
In the end, managed to fix it in just a couple of hours, so that was good and rewarded myself with some Korean soju that I had in the house.
All-in-all, it was a pretty nice Xmas, as my Xmases go.
Hopefully yours involved less fixing boilers and metal shards in your food and more time with your loved ones.
Him: I wish you could stay. Me: People need me to help them. We always try to help if we can, right? Him: I guess. Me: I’ll see you again before you know it, kid.
Location: earlier in the boiler room, with a portable speaker, a glass of soju, and a rubber mallet. I didn’t use one of those things.
Mood: frigid
Music: I can live off of your body heat, yeah baby (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
