Tag: family

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personal

Putting it off

Three sammies and Pyrat rum

Dropped off the kid with my in-laws the other day.

We have all of these traditions now that I love and am so grateful for, like his going to Alison’s family for a few weeks every summer.

But it doesn’t make me miss him any less.

Me: He cooked for the first time the other day.
MIL: What do you mean, the first time? He’s been cooking eggs here for a while now. You said he was cooking them at home!
Me: He was only mixing and seasoning them – I wanted to ease him into it.
Her: (laughing) Oh, he’s been cooking here for a while.

Dammit!

Having said that, I use the time I’ve got to do all the things I need to do but have been putting off because I’m either too busy with the kid or it’s unsafe to do around him.

To this end, I asked the Firecracker to help me out over the weekend and – like the amazing partner she is – she readily agreed.

But, on the day we were supposed to begin, we put it off for another day because the weather was so nice.

See, it’s been ridic hot around here, even before summer officially began.

This is what the heat wave did to my plants.

Was super bummed because they were all (finally) doing so well and then the heat just cooked them.

So, to take my mind offa all that – and to enjoy the much cooler sunny day – we met up with the Firecracker’s sister and BIL at a bar.

We stayed for a spell and then, because we were close to Tiki Chick and I can never resist their chix sammies, I picked up a buncha them for us and then headed back to theirs.

Her: You bought three sandwiches for yourself?
Me: Evidently.

Afterwards, we showed them how to play 鋤大弟/Big Two. and then promptly lost to her BIL.

Dammit!

But it was a fun night.

And they had Pyrat rum on the rocks for me, which is always good.

Him: What are you two gonna do tonight?
Me: Probably binge Andor.
Him: Oh, it is good. We just haven’t gotten around to finishing it.

If you’ve not seen it, it’s excellent.

Rain told me that he felt it was one of the best written shows, period – with or without the Star Wars part.

Worth a watch, but that’s neither here nor there.

Location: my desk, with just under gigabit speeds on my computers
Mood: super bummed
Music: It’s not like everybody knows but you (Spotify)
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The kid cooked for the first time

Challenge accepted

Me: (tapping her shoulder) Hey, if you’re going to the market tomorrow, could you pick up some edamame?
Her: (irritated) Did you just wake me up to tell me to buy edamame?
Me: I thought you were awake!
Her: (goes back to sleep) Your food obsession can be…problematic.

While we were at the Surgeon’s the other night, Steel mentioned that his son – who’s a year younger than my own kid – has been cooking since he was old enough to stand.

He didn’t make these eggs, I did. But I’m starting him easy with scrambled eggs first.

See, Steel may be one of the only people that think about food just as much, if not more (!) than I do, the only other person I can think of being Bryson.

In any case, I’d been having my son beat eggs for the past several months so, the other, I upped the ante and had him make scrambled eggs for himself for the first time.

Him: I don’t think it looks that good.
Me: Are you kidding? For your first attempt, it looks great!
Him Really?! (after trying it) It tastes pretty good.
Me: And, at the end of the day, that’s the most important thing.

Unfortunately, then we had a heat wave come in.

Which meant that it was waaay too hot for him to safely cook.

It’s been disappointing for a number of reasons, not just that.

For example, I had planted some flowers outside my apartment and – after weeks/months of waiting – I had some blooms!

Was super excited.

But then the heat wave killed ALL my plants.

I’ll take some pics next time, I’m too annoyed ATM to do it now.

At least it’s a good excuse to drink ice cold beer.

Location: a train at Newark Penn Station, missing the kid
Mood: yearning
Music: I want it for infinity – let’s go, and never stop (Spotify)
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Four more events

Overscheduled

I may have overscheduled the last weekend of the school year.

For Friday, was supposed to meet up with some of the other fathers for drinks but ended up just having the kid’s good friend and his parents come by for some wine and the card game 鋤大弟 – which is also called Big Two.

The game was a hit with the other parents, and we ended up playing 18 rounds, I think (!!).

Kid: Can [my friend] stay over for a sleepover?
Friend: Please?!
Me: It’s not really up to just me, but sure.

The other parents relented so my kid, the Firecracker’s kid, and the friend had a sleepover, which I think is pretty darn cute.

The next day, my sister stopped by briefly with her two kids – it was nice catching up, however briefly.

Then, later on that night, we went to the Surgeon’s pad along with Steel and his family.

No mezcal – thank goodness – but we had some absolutely killer drinks.

For example, here’s a sour raspberry beer that was pretty great.

I made some dumplings as well, plus the kids had pizza.

The thing about old friends is that there are literally decades worth of stuff to chat about.

Me: What I remember most about your wedding was the table of lobsters.
Him: I remember you and Alison driving by in a pedicab while we were taking pictures.
Me: The thing about Steel is that he knows me so well that he took time outta his own wedding to warn me that the lobsters were just the appetizers. That’s a real friend there.

Then, the very next day, we all went to see my SIL in Hoboken…

…for some swimming.

Afterwards, we’d been eating pretty poorly all week because of alla the school events so I insisted that we all had salads, which went over pretty well.

We also got to play Codenames with the kiddos, which was actually quite fun.

There’s actually a lot more that happened but this entry’s getting long so I’ll just wrap it all up here.

If you’re at all interested in learning how to play 鋤大弟/Big Two, watch this video, above.

Location: my apartment, trying not to melt, on the hottest day in six year
Mood: melting nonetheless
Music: I’m tired from the things I haven’t done, saving up just to retire (Spotify)
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Another school year almost over

Still showing up

Him: Are you sure you’re gonna come?
Me: I haven’t missed one yet, have I?
Him: No…I just wanted to make sure.

It’s been super busy here for a multitude of reasons, least of which is that the kid is winding up his school year.

This means that there’s one event after another, of varying degrees of entertainment.

The first was his end of year recital, where he played a cover of Billie Eilish’s Lovely on the guitar.

I should mention that the Firecracker’s never missed a single one – which is something considering that not all the kids were as talented as mine.

She’s the best, truly.

As for the song he chose, I’d never heard the song before and it was pretty maudlin, which was a bit concerning.

But, he did a great job and was pretty jazzed about it, so I just enjoyed it for what it was worth.

The next was his dance recital, which was absolutely adorbs.

I couldn’t get a good clean shot for video, but another parent was able to get some vids of them dancing.

Another one was the kid’s last publishing party, where the parents come in and check out all the artistic stuff that the kids were working on for the past few months.

I brought a huge jug of Dunkin coffee; several of the other parents brought a ton of delish looking carbs.

I’m proud to say that I didn’t have any but, man, did I want to.

In any case, with the portfolio of work due in just over a week, it’s been stressful around here.

Really didn’t have the 2-3 hours to spare this morning on top of the previous two events I went to.

But I told you once that it’s so important for little kids to have their parents show up to things. And there’s no “parents” here, it’s just me.

So, I showed up.

Gotta say, it was sweet to see him so happy to see me in the classroom.

There were another three or four events that were also end-of-year related but I’ll tell you about those in the next entry.

Location: Hoboken, playing Codenames and dreaming of more food
Mood: hot and bothered
Music: Always in my head space but I know some day I’ll make it out of here (Spotify)
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As fine a legacy

The richest people

I’m 26 in that picture above. Half my current age.

When Alison was here, I used to do most of the cooking. And with the Firecracker, I cook most dinners.

It’s because Alison and The Firecracker both preferred cleaning to cooking.

But there are so many dishes that I wish I coulda made for everyone, but I just don’t have the recipe.

Me: I wish I wrote down some of my dad’s recipes. But I was so fucked up at the time.
Firecracker: You did the best you could with what you had. And just leave it at that.
Me: Thanks for saying that.
Her: Anytime. And it’s true.

My kid let me sleep in – like, seriously, sleep in – for Father’s Day, which I really appreciated.

It gave me time to just stay in bed and think about my dad.

I mention him a lot in this blog, but I wanted to share another story to give you some idea of what he was all about.

When I was a kid, I rarely saw him. He was out the door to job number 1 before I woke up for school, which meant that he was already up, dressed, and ready for the day by 7AM.

And I was usually in bed by 9PM but I didn’t see him because he went to school at night to try to better himself.

This left my mom home to cook and clean for us. We were poor so we almost never ate out or had take out anything.

She cooked 3-4 meals a day, because she also had to cook something for my dad at the crack of dawn.

When my dad retired, decades later, my mom was working. And he told her that she would never have to cook again.

He explained it to me once.

Him: Your mom stayed home to take care of the house so that I could work and make money for us. I told her that, because I have time now, I’ll do all the cooking and cleaning now while she’s working because it’s only fair.

And he did.

For at least the last decade-and-a-half of his life, he cooked every single meal he could for her.

He also wouldn’t let her clean up afterward.

That was the deal.

This was taken in 2002, 23 years ago when my life was so very different.

That’s who my dad was; he was a feminist and a liberal in many ways, without ever saying either word in his lifetime, I don’t think.

He just was madly in love with my mom, I think. And he innately believed in fairness.

He wasn’t without his faults, just like the rest of us, but when it came to his wife and family, he was the kinda guy we all wish we could be.

I miss his terribly, on this Father’s Day and every day.

I hope that what he gave me, I can give the kid so that the kid can give it to his family.

Suppose that’s as fine a legacy as anything.

Location: the couch, with the kid, watching Charlie Brown
Mood: nostalgic
Music: you wouldn’t have to say (Spotify)
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Showerheads and Siblings

Main Character Syndrome

Reading about the psychopath that blew up the IVF center in California gave me so many mixed emotions, least of which this asshole decided his opinion of the world trumped everyone else’s opinion of the world.

I don’t get how people think it’s ok, or even reasonable, to force their worldviews on others.

Like, that’s the ultimate in main character syndrome I can imagine.

But I digress.

Perfect Circles dropped me a line recently.

Her: Pregnant again! Number three joining us in August. Plainly we’ve lost our minds but it just felt like the gang wasn’t all here yet.
Me: That’s amazing, congrats!! Oh man, that was my dream, to have three kids. Alison only ever wanted to have two. Sigh.

Told her that I was thrilled for her, which is true.

But then that got me thinking: I’ve got a few embryos out in the world that I’m still struggling to figure out what to do with.

I’ve always wanted another child but that doesn’t appear to be in the cards.

In any case, one idea was to donate them to couples in need – ie, a couple that can’t produce a child on their own.

I seriously considered it in the past, but there’s an interesting phenomenon where people that are biologically related – a fact that they often don’t know initially – find each other and fall in love.

There’re a buncha stories like this:

    • Reddit reported revealed that a woman found out her six-year relationship with her boyfriend was really a six-year relationship with her biological brother after taking a DNA.
    • A Mississippi couple found out that – not only were they brother and sister – they were also twins!
    • A lesbian couple have suspicions that they might be half-siblings but plan on remaining a couple.
    • A couple from Brazil – with a six-year-old child – found out that they were actually brother and sister, both of whom were abandoned by their mother as children. The kicker is that they found this out together and live on the radio.

It’s not hard to see how they might fall in love; after all, we’re equal parts nature and nurture.

In fact, you can see how a hypothetical conversation might go:

Him: I love 80s music.
Her: Me too, my favourite band is Duran Duran.
Him: OMG, me too! I went to their last concert in London back in 2022.
Her: Wait, I was there too!

I’d read about this phenomenon ages ago but I was recently reminded of it when I visited my sister the other day.

I never told her that I fixed my bathroom but when I went to use her newly renovated bathroom, I found out that:

We both picked the same shower head – in the same colour to boot!

The one on the left is my sisters and mine is on the right. They’re the same colour – it’s just the lighting that makes it look different.

AND we picked the exact same tiles!

These are hers…

…and these are mine.

Again, we both did our bathrooms without discussing it with the other.

Anywho, yeah, I don’t think I’ll give those embryos away…

Location: the wet rain
Mood: brrrrrrr
Music: Tell me all the things that you like (Spotify)
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Mother’s Day 2025

A lotta distractions

The weekend wasn’t bad. Had a lotta distractions to keep the kid – and myself – busy.

The Firecracker’s dad’s in town so the Firecracker mainly spent time with him, which was good so I could focus on the kid.

The kid mainly did his own thing on Saturday but my college buddy, Ricky stopped by late at night to catch up after meeting up with our buddy, Ox, around the way.

Rick and I are probably the most athletic guys from our group of friends but that means that he’s got back issues too.

Me: I’m walking around most days at a 2-3; it jumps up to a 5-6 when it rains though.
Him: I’d kill for a 2-3. I’m walking around most days at a 7.
Me: Jesus Christ, how do you manage that?

Evidently, just like I did when I went to see Bryson and the Frenchman – case-in-point: Like me, he just lay down on my floor as we caught up.

Similar to that time where we randomly met him on his roof, the Firecracker and I agree that random meetups with good friends are the best.

Then, on Sunday, the kid and I woke up bright and early to head down the greenway on my scooter and get carbs in Chinatown.

There were a lotta carbs – scallion pancakes and fried dumplings – to be had before we headed back uptown.

Then we hightailed it back to catch the train to go see my mom and my sis.

The kid got to play with his cousins; I even hopped on the bike and rode with them to the local grade school for them to play for a bit.

While we were gone, my mom made dinner for us all; she didn’t know the Firecracker wasn’t going to be there, so she made the Firecracker’s fave dishes.

Me: Mom! It’s Mother’s Day. I wanted to take you out or at least bring food for you.
Her: (shrugging) It’s fine. I wanted to cook for you all.

That’s my mom.

Afterward, the kid and I went home and met up with the Firecracker, who was hanging with her family the whole weekend.

Another Mother’s Day Weekend/Alison’s Birthday, done.

Just have to get through the next few weeks and I won’t have to think about May again for a whole year.

Location: 6PM, picking the kid up late from school
Mood: damp
Music: open the door. Oh, it’s my love (Spotify)
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Alison would have been 46

I’m able to pay, for now

A little while ago, the Professor dropped me a line.

Him: If you’ve seen the HBO series Westworld there’s a line where a female robot is about to get her mind wiped again – to spare her from feeling the pain of her child s death – and she cries out “Please, no – the pain is all I have left.” I thought that line was quite powerful.
Me: (sighing) Yeah. Thinking of Alison and my dad is always painful but it’s better than not feeling anything at all, I think. Sometimes, I think differently, but for now, I agree.

There was also a NY Times Article that my brother sent me that had a subtitle that read, If grief is the price of love, I am unable to pay.

For now, I’m able to pay it.

But, early on, I thought paying it would kill me.

As I age, it’s a bit less painful.

Time just dulls everything.

Yet, when I do feel it, man do I feel it.

But I’d much rather feel it than forget her.

Because pain is the price we pay for love.

And pain is all I have left of her.

Well, that and the boy.

Him: I wish I knew her better.
Me: Me too, kiddo. You woulda loved her.
Him: And she woulda loved me?
Me: Oh, kiddo, she absolutely did. And she’d be so thrilled with the person you’re becoming.

Location: 2017, at least, in my head
Mood: complicated
Music: don’t look back from a hurt like that (Spotify)
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Something about Mary (Elizabeth Sawyer)

Feeling it acutely

This little girl named Mary Elizabeth Sawyer was born in 1806 and she led a fairly unremarkable life except for two things:

    1. She had a little lamb, whose fleece was white – as white as snow, in fact. And this little lamb followed Mary everywhere.
    2. Her friend, John Roulstone, upon seeing this, was so amused, he wrote her a poem about it.
Image via Art and Picture Collection, The New York Public Library.

The poem went:

Mary had a little lamb;
Its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rule;
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school.

And so the teacher turned it out;
But still it lingered near,
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear.

There’s some question as to the validity of all this, but I like to believe it.

See, almost everyone in America has heard about Mary, knew her situation, and remembered her little lamb that she loved so much, and that loved her so much.

But I’m struck that everyone forgot that Mary was a real person, with all her hopes and dreams, and people – and animals – that loved her deeply.

Even if the poem wasn’t actually Mary Elizabeth Sawyer, the hope is that Mary was a real person, and this was a real thing.

This coming week will be both Alison’s birthday and Mother’s Day.

Again and like always.

And the anniversary of her death is coming up as well.

Every May I struggle with the void that she left after she died.

As hard as that is, it’s even harder for the kid, who – year-after-year – feels the loss a touch more acutely than the previous year.

Moreover, I worry that she’ll just be a distant idea to him, like Mary.

Like, I picture her in my head like the picture above while I think that my son pictures her like the blurry main picture of this entry.

It’s her but it’s…blurry.

Then again, it’s always good to be remembered in some positive way.

Whether that be in a children’s rhyme or a blog that almost no one reads.

I’ll probably write more later, but I just wanted you to know that the Lo household was thinking about her this May, like we do every May.

And like I always do.

Him: Papa! Did you know that there’s a country called Burkina Faso? Isn’t that a cool name?
Me: It is! Did you know that mommy used to go there all the time?
Him: She did? Why?
Me: She worked for a place called Helen Keller and was always trying to help people. That’s one of the things that I always loved about her. She was always trying to help people – she was such a good person, kiddo. Maybe, when you grow up, you can help people like she did.
Him: I will!
Me: (nodding) She’d love that. She would have loved that. And you.

Location: home, worried about the weekend
Mood: concerned
Music: A few years had gone and come around (Spotify)
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Building up the opposition

Letter vs Spirit

When I was a kid, I loved the Support your local… films  with Support your Local Sheriff as my favourite of the two.

There’s a scene where an old crook named Pa Danby is trying to bust his middle-aged son Joe Danby outta jail.

Couldn’t find that scene but the above scene is before the bars are put in.

After the bars are installed, the dad tries to yank them out with Joe’s brothers and three horses, but the men are all flung from their horses and the bars don’t budge.

Joe: I could’ve told you it wouldn’t work.
Pa: Why not?
Joe: Because they set these bars in too solid.
Pa: What do you know about anything?
Joe: I helped to set ’em in.
Pa: You helped ’em put in those bars?!
Joe: I didn’t have nothin’ else to do.

Hold that thought.

Did you know that Jefferson Davis was the Secretary of War for the US right before he became the President of the Confederate States?

He built up and – vastly – improved the very army that he would face himself.

[Davis] suggested that the size of the regular army was too small and that its salaries were too meagre. Congress agreed and authorized four new regiments and increased its pay scale. He ended the manufacture of smoothbore muskets and shifted production to rifles, working to develop the tactics that accompany them. Id.

Been thinking about that fact and Support your Local Sheriff a lot lately because the kid and I’ve been arguing a lot lately.

He pushes back with me on a ton of things.

Me: You were supposed to call me.
Him: But you said call when I get out of school, you didn’t say right when I got out.
Me: True, but the point of your calling me was so I would know when to pick you up.

And I realize that it’s a delicate balance with having him be independent but also compliant – two wholly incompatible but necessary things to successfully function in society.

Balancing it properly leads me to no end of stress and us to no end of disagreements.

But this is my job, so I do it.

After all, my dad did it for me – and I’m sure he regretted teaching me to challenge everything.

Unlike Jefferson Davis, however, I’m fully aware that however I train him to behave, I’m gonna have to deal with myself, one way or another.

Because it’s the destiny of all fathers and sons to be adversarial on some things down the line, no matter how much we support and care for one another.

That’s just how things are.

But I’ll always be on his side, whether he realizes it or not.

Here’s hoping that I’m doing it right.

Him: You didn’t say that! You just said to call you after school.
Me: (sighing) Fine. But the next thing we gotta chat about is the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law…

Not looking forward to the teenage years.

Location: My incredibly dusty room sans bathroom
Mood: beat tired
Music: you start me up before breakfast – how about we fight fire with fire? (Spotify)
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