Me: Facebook just asked me if I wanted to join their VR High School. (long pause) That sounds just awful. Her: (laughing) Agreed. Me: Like, who on earth would do such a thing? Who thinks that’s a good idea? Why not just have “VR Let’s Stick Two Burning Red-Hot Spoons into Our Eyes?” It’d be about the same. Her: I would want VR DINKS – Dual Income No Kids. Me: Yeah, young adults with freedom and just a bit of scratch. Her: Exactly. But VR High School sounds awful. Me: What on earth was Zuck thinking? VR High School: Relive having no freedom, no money, and constant anxiety?
Went to the kid’s school the other day for a presentation he had.
Essentially, it was a business project, with every kid playing a role in sourcing materials, crafting, marketing, and selling bracelets.
Went in and bought the middle tier bracelet ($3.75) because all the other parents already cleared out the first-tier bracelets ($5).
Him: Thanks for coming! Me: Dude, have I ever missed anything you’ve done?
Don’t envy the kid having to go to school.
Granted, I liked being a kid and I liked parts of school – it was the only place where I didn’t feel that oppressive loneliness – although I’m not sure the alternative was much better.
Having said that, I remember wanting so much to be older. I try to tell myself that, there was once a time I dreamt of having all that I have.
I think being grateful for the things we once wished for and now have is the key to happiness.
While VR DINKS sounds like something that might be fun for a bit, I can’t really imagine life without the kid at all.
He’s just such a good little guy and I’m so proud of the fact that he’s so resilient.
Which is good, because he’ll have to be with the dense people that seem to surround him alla time.
Me: How was your field trip?! Him: Below average. Me: Oh man, do you wanna talk about it? Him: Not really. (pause) Well, we were on the bus for three hours each way with NO AIR CONDITIONING. Everyone was super hot. Me: Oh, that’s not good. I’m sorry, kiddo. Him: And…the person there asked a bunch of questions. One of them was “Whoever lives with your mom and dad, step forward.” And (long pause and a cracking voice) I was the only who didn’t step forward. Me: (sighing) I’m sorry, kid. Adults are really stupid sometimes. Him: Yeah. I didn’t…it didn’t feel very good. Me: (sighing again) Yeah.
ABFF: Do you still want to keep tradition of dinner on Alison’s birthday? There’s no pressure on that – as [the kid] gets older, I totally get that he may not want to do it, or you may do something else, or… Me: Yes, please. We’ll be there.
As we’ve been doing for the past several years, we went to ABFF’s place on Alison’s actual birthday.
ABFF asked me if I wanted to do it again this year, which I found surprising because I’m always grateful whenever someone wants to celebrate or remember Alison.
So, Sara, both kids, and I went.
We picked up a bottle of wine and had some pizza and Italian food, because that’s what the kid wanted.
And this day is really all about the kid and Alison.
And finished off the night with a Carvel ice cream cake, which also reminded me of my uncle.
ABFF: Do you remember the whale? Me: Yeah, what was the name of it? Her: I don’t remember. (later) Wait, Fudgie! Me: Yes! Fudgie the Whale!
This time around, we didn’t do anything like the balloons or anything like that, because the kid always takes it so hard.
This time around, Alison was in the background, which I think is good, because thinking too much about her – for the kid and me – is a bit like staring into the sun.
It’s too much to take for too long so we turn away.
I also wanted to say that I think it says volumes about Sara that she always comes to support us and is always just a great presence there.
Can’t tell you how grateful I am that she’s in our lives.
Dunno how I managed to do it, but I’ve really met some amazing and wonderful people in my life.
Heard this quote once that went something like, “There’s no such thing as a long road with good company.
My sister said something to me once, in reference to Alison, when she turned a major milestone birthday:
Growing older is a privilege, not everyone gets the chance.
I’m getting older with every entry.
Hard to believe I started this blog almost 20 years ago – some people that started reading me 20 years ago are still here, which I’m eternally grateful for.
When I met her early on, we traded dating stories, as I always did with people I started dating.
She told me once that she went with her sister to a blind/speed date thingy and it was packed with very average guys and almost no women.
When the few women that were there saw the pickings, they all left, leaving just Alison and her sister there with dozens of dudes.
But they both stayed because they didn’t want to absolutely crush all the remaining people there.
Me: Well, you coulda just left. Alison: I couldn’t do that, Logan. You should have seen how sad everyone looked. Me: So, you stayed there for hours just because you didn’t want to hurt a bunch of strangers’ feelings? Her: (puzzled) Yeah, Logan.
That was her in a nutshell – always thinking of others. Always.
I didn’t fall for her because I thought she was beautiful – which she was – but because she was so unfailingly kind.
She was such a good person.
The kinda girl you’d wanna start a family with.
Because she was built to love and take care of people.
That’s why it guts me that she’s gone.
The world is so much worse off that someone as good as her is not here and someone as misanthropic as I am, remain.
Here’s hoping I can still make the kid as good a human as she was.
Him: (softly) Mommy’s not here so…can I just give this to you? (quieter) I got a flower too. Me: I love it, thanks! Him: I’ll still give you something for Father’s Day, papa. Me: Sweet! You’re the best. I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
I noticed that he didn’t write “Happy Mother’s Day,” in the valentine heart on the card above.
Instead he wrote, “Happy, Happy, Happy” because…well, you know…
So, I took the card on behalf of Alison, gave him a hug and kiss, put him to bed, and waited until I could shower to cry for a little bit.
Like I do every year.
Goodnight and Happy Birthday, Alison.
We miss you terribly.
Location: uptown, with the ABFF, Sara, and the kid, looking at a picture of Alison that showed up on the ABFF’s digital picture frame and thinking she looked happy
Mood: melancholy
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Me: For Mother’s Day brunch, what’re you in the mood for? We may or may not need a reservation. Middle Eastern, Asian, Western, what? Sara: I want a 蛋餅 (danbing). Me: OK! That makes things MUCH easier. I’m on it. That’s it then. You just chill. I’ll handle the rest.
While we were in Taiwan, Sara and the kids go really into Taiwanese brekkies, their favourite of which was a savory egg crepe.
But, because (a) it’s Taiwanese and (b) it’s a breakfast dish, we haven’t had any places or opportunities with which to have it.
But for Mother’s Day, Sara really wanted some Taiwanese food for brunch, and I wanted to see my mom anywho, so this was perfect.
There, we ordered practically the whole menu, and she had to have her stinky tofu.
Her son: The whole restaurant is gonna hate us. We’re gonna scare people off like we did in Taiwan. Me: Nah, look around. You two are one of only three non-Taiwanese here. We’re all used to it.
Afterward, we went to go to a bookstore to kill some time (not sure what the kid is doing here)…
…before seeing my mom for a bit.
But we didn’t stay long as we took our kids and my nephews for a quick trip to the local park for them to enjoy the sunshine out in the burbs before dinner.
Sara was happy to just hear the birds, enjoy the sunshine, and smell the grass.
Afterwards, we came back to eat with my mom and my sister’s family.
Ended up getting BBQ of all things.
But my mom enjoyed it.
Mom: This is great! I really should stop cooking and just order in more. Cooking is tiring. Me: OMG, mom, that’s what we’ve all been saying!
Talking with my mom bums me out these days.
Not that particular exchange above, just in general.
Because she’s always had a memory like a steel trap – dude, that lady’s mind was razor sharp my whole life – but lately, she’s been forgetting things more than she’s ever done in the past.
I suppose it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise for me seeing as I’m already in my 50s and she’s in her 80s but it’s still hard to accept.
Everything is harder to accept these days.
But more on that in the next entry.
Location: earlier tonight in LIC, wondering if the homeless guy was gonna throw a large rock at us
Mood: full, so full
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Me: Why didn’t you answer you phone?!! Mom: I didn’t hear it ring! Me: For over an hour!?
My sister was inspired by our trip to Taiwan, so she took her kids there for Spring Break.
So, when she rang me, I assumed that it was to tell me something fun.
Instead, it was to tell me that her husband hadn’t heard from my mom in a few hours.
Without giving too much detail away, essentially, my mom forgot where she parked her car and decided to take an outrageously long walk home(ish).
With the help of my brother-in-law – thank goodness he was home – she made it home and found her car but not until hours later.
Out of an abundance of caution, and because I always, always, always regret not seeing Alison and my dad every chance I could, I woke up bright and early the next day to see her.
Because it was so early, I took the same route I took to return home to Queens from high school – it had been years since I’d taken that route home.
It was faster than I remembered.
Maybe it was because I had my laptop and could do work, and that made the commute a lot faster.
I remember that my dad would sometimes be waiting in the car at the subway station for me.
I looked at the place he would usually park for reasons I can’t explain.
Dunno why I do things like that.
Stupid, really.
But in some reality, he’s still alive and he’s waiting for me.
I digress…
Me: I’m just worried about you. Her: What’s there to worry about? I forgot where I parked my car is all. It’s not that big a deal. Me: I dunno, mom. Her: It’s fine, it’s fine. Did you eat yet? Lemme make you something to eat. Me: It’s ok, I’m not hungry.
That last part was true.
Literally, the only time I’m ever not hungry is when I’m worried. And I was worried about my mom.
Didn’t stay long. It took me 90 minutes to get to her, but I only stayed for 45 mins because I had so much to do.
Just wanted to see and hug her.
If you can see and hug your mom, you absolutely should.
Since I was in Queens, I remembered that I saw this Instagram short about this dude in Flushing Queens selling this 2000-year-old Chinese gyro / shawarma thingy – and you know what a sucker I am for those things – and I decided to get one before I headed back home.
Essentially, I saw that she seemed like herself and my hunger came roaring back.
Him: Look… (holds up belt) Me: What? HEY – you got it! That’s my boy!
This was a pretty busy week, kid-wise.
First, the kid got a new BJJ belt, which he’s been hoping for for quite a while now.
Then I went to another one of his publishing parties at his school – it was nice that he was so happy to see me.
Then we dropped down to 0 degrees Fahrenheit with wind chill this past weekend in the city and we had a full day shoot at my old gym.
Me: Whoa! Why’s it so cold? Him: The heat’s out. Me: Get outta here.
It was wayworse in that everyone else got to wear sweatshirts and hoodies, but I had to do all six hours in a tee-shirt.
I was absolutely miserable.
For serious, one of the guys was literally wearing his entire outer wear AND his costume while setting up while I’m in a tee-shirt.
Director: Whoa, your hands are turning blue. Me: (teeth chattering) I am not unaware…also, I hate you.
Normally, I’m one of the fastest of the bunch to shoot his scenes but, because I was absolutely freezing, I kept messing up my lines.
Me: By the end of this video, you’ll know the mistakes that get people killed by Ghostface… Director: You can’t say killed. Me: Goddammit! OK. Sorry. “By the end of this video, you’ll know the mistakes that get people killed…” Director: You can’t say killed. Me: Goddammit! OK. Sorry. “By the end of this video, you’ll know the mistakes that get people killed” – GODDAMMIT!
Repeat about 20 times.
But I had to get my lines done because I had to make the kid’s recital, which was supposed to be at 5PM waaaaaaayyy uptown.
Because I wasn’t gonna make it, I wrote Sara and asked her to talk to his guitar teacher and ask if he could push it back 20 minutes to 5:20.
As soon as I cranked out that stupid line, I dashed up there, RAN outta the subway station (in boots, on ice, carrying a ton of gear and frying pan (part of the shoot)) and into the church where he was the next kid up.
Just made it.
At 1:52, there was a slight glitch with the video, sorry, but otherwise, it’s pretty good, I think?
Watch the video and catch the ending, where he saw that I came.
Ever since COVID not everyone has been in the office at the same time, so it was nice seeing everyone all at once.
The food and the company were great, as usual…
Me: (to new attorney) I graduated Fordham Law School in 1999. Him: Oh, that’s when I was born. Me: (nodding slowly) I’m gonna need another drink.
…for the most part.
Boss: What book do you recommend? Me: Hmm, for fiction, you really can’t go wrong with The Godfather but for non-fiction, I think that every lawyer, really every person, should read Getting to Yes. Female Partner: You mean, Getting Past No? Me: Oh, that was the sequel – Getting to Yes is a book on negotiation but really, it’s for anyone who wants to be able to negotiate well. It’s good for any relationship, including interpersonal ones.
It was only supposed to be for a few hours, but we were there some five or six hours.
Had to head home a bit earlier than everyone else to tuck the kid into bed because we were heading off later on that week to Alison’s parents for Christmas.
Moving forward, I’m going to refer to Alison’s mom as A-MIL and Sara’s mom as S-MIL.
Her family and I don’t talk much about Alison during the holidays but that’s because we don’t really need to. We know we’re all thinking of her.
A-MIL: You should invite Sara. Me: Are you sure? Her: Of course, we have plenty of room.
I think it says a lot about Alison and her family that everyone – from Alison’s sister to her parents – have done their best to make Sara feel welcome.
And it says a lot about Sara that she came and was just amazeballs with them.
Sara: I brought flowers. A-MIL: Oh, you didn’t have to do that. They’re beautiful, thank you! I’ll get them into a vase.
A fella could really fall for a girl like that.
There’s a ton more I can say about all that, but I suppose that’s a story for another time.
It was also nice that the kid was completely oblivious to all of this because everyone was just great.
Him: I got a baseball pitching machine! Me: Thank god someone’s here to teach you how to play baseball, because it’s not me.
It was funny because Sara and A-MIL had to teach him how to properly hit the ball – A-MIL played a lot, while Sara was on the softball team.
Me: How long were you on (the softball team) for? Her: Eight years. You never played baseball before? Me: Lady, you need friends to play baseball.
I got my own gifts to focus on, including stuff from the kid.
Of course, we had to teach them how to play Big 2.
A-SIL didn’t get it for the first two rounds and then immediately started winning.
Me: Sara will play this anytime, anyplace. Sara: This is true. A-SIL: Oh, I love games. Me: Great, we’ll have to play this more.
This is the eggnog that A-SIL made. Usually, it’s just the two of us that drinks it but this year, Sara helped.
After a while, Sara and I headed back to Manhattan while the kid stayed for a few more days with the in-laws.
Me: (on train) Hey, I just wanted you to know that you helping the kid practice hitting the ball will be one of my treasured memories. Her: Oh, it’s not a big deal. Me: It is. I couldn’t do it, and you didn’t need to, so thanks. Her: You’re welcome, Logan Lo. Merry Christmas. Me: Happy Christmas. Her: No one says that, Logan. Me: Look, “merry” is an anachronistic word that only eve… Her: (groans, rolls eyes)
Said that I was gonna post more of the wedding pics and I figure now is as good a time as any.
Her: At my office Christmas party tonight, Virgil said you looked “fit,” in the British context.
Me: He’s not wrong.
Her: I told him, you had to be to keep a woman well over a decade younger than him around. He was shocked – I don’t think he knew.
Me: How old did he think I was?
Her: Older but not 52 older.
Me: Oh man, I’m so old.
Her: You’re not very old, you’re just kinda old.
Me: (sighing) I suppose. Hey, since we’re married, do you think this would be a good time for me to tell my blog readers your real name? Since you’re “Sara Lo” now?
Her: I don’t know…what do you think?
Me: It’s your decision to make at this point; but I figure we ARE married…
Her: True. (thinking) OK, let’s do it!
Me: Sweeeeet.
Her: It’s too bad I don’t have a cool abbreviation for my Lo. You’ve got “Logan Lo.” Your mom’s “The Original J.Lo.” Me? I’m… Me: (laughing) SLo! Her: Exactly! (sighing) I can’t use that.
Meet Sara Lo, everyone.
She’s my fave.
Probably not gonna post until next week to just enjoy the holiday.
Him: (after meeting the Firecracker) You have a type. Me: (shrugging) It’s not so much that as there are certain traits in a partner that I value. And the partner that I would pick to be my “until-death-do-you-part” partner would have the most of those things because I value those things.
The Firecracker isn’t Alison, but they have a lot in common – far beyond both being blondes with coloured eyes.
This shouldn’t be surprising because I seek certain things, just like everyone else does.
For example, they’re both female, which makes sense, as I like females. They’re both unwaveringly kind. They both liked that I cooked and I liked that they both cleaned.
Who’s the ultimate example of your tribe if not your partner?
And if your partner isn’t the ultimate example of your tribe, why isn’t s/he, and why would you be with her/him then?
Firecracker: Are you happy? Me: (thinking) Yes. But it’s complex.
This fella named Oliver Sacks once said:
When people die they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is the fate – the genetic and neural fate – of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.
Yeah.
And when someone leaves your Venn diagram, they take with them that unique space in your life that only he or she coulda occupied.
So, I have a hole in my soul the shape of my dad that was carved out once he died.
My father, Alison, my grandmother – they were all my wonderful things.
So, when the Firecracker asks me something like, “Are you happy?” The answer is yes.
But, imagine that you lost your left arm seven years ago. And in those seven years, beautiful and terrible things happened, because, that’s how life is.
Assume that you’re lucky and the beautiful things far outnumber the terrible things.
I’d assume you’d be happy.
But you’ll never be as happy as you would have been if you got a chance to enjoy those wonderful things AND still have your left arm.
Except, it’s not just your left arm. It’s your right hand as well.
And other bits and pieces of your body soul.
As happy as you could possibly be, you’ll never be as happy as you could have been sine qua non/but for the losses.
That’s the truest answer for the Firecracker’s question and it’s something that I’m acutely aware of for my son.
Because, as happy as he’ll be, as good as a parent as I could possibly be, he’ll forever miss having his mother raise and love him.
He’ll forever be missing something most people, myself included, take for granted.
And my heart aches as to the truth of that statement.
Because we met after she’s lived decades of her life and the purpose of life is to wear you down.
She too has injuries that she bears so that, as happy as she might be with me, those injuries remain. But that’s her story to tell.
I know that I can make the years the Firecracker and I have together as happy as I can.
But I also know that there are things that I can’t do because we all have those holes in our souls in the shape of the people and things we’ve loved and lost.
I like to think that, it’s not so much that I’ll die one day, so much as it is that I’ll have so many holes in my soul that, one day, they’ll be too many for me to go on.
I’m 39 in this picture above and the main one.
My friend Nadi took them while we were having dinner one night.
Life was perfect at that moment.
At that moment: My clients are awesome, and my career is taking off. My dad is alive. I’m happy and laughing with friends. And she’s alive and we’re about to start a family. Three kids. Suburbs.
Alla that.
A year after that picture: Alison and I lost our first pregnancy. It was the start of a winter of sadness and pain that I wouldn’t have believed possible for anyone to survive.
Nonea that.
But, in that moment, I was happy because I didn’t know how fucked up life could – and would – become.
The next day, we had Taipei street food and coffee for brekkie.
25 years ago, the coffee in Taiwan was pretty meh, but it’s about on par with the rest of the world at this point.
Everyone absolutely loved the food I got and devoured it – forgot to take pics but it was essentially this type of dan bing.
Although I did take manage to take pics of a fruit that I ate like there was no tomorrow as a kid here, the wax apple.
If you ever find any, get it.
Crap, now I want more.
Afterward, we left the AirBnB we called home alla those days and took the bullet train – first time for all of us – from Taipei to my mom’s hometown, Hsinchu.
Trip was ridonk fast, less than 40 mins; used to take like 90 mins by car.
She booked a five-star hotel that was less than seven minutes walking distance from my aunt’s pad and my mom’s childhood home.
This caliber of hotel was not around when I was here last in 2000. Case-in-point, there was not only a bidet in our room, but literally, every bathroom in the hotel.
Son: (trying a bidet for the first time) Oh my god, this is the best!!
The blue garage was where I spent all my childhood summers; it was a garage my grandmother converted into a convenience store, and it’s back to a garage now.
Me: (looking out from the balcony) Holy cow, we’re so close. We can see my mom’s home from our room. Her: I spent a lotta time planning this. Me: Oh man, I love you!
See all the tall buildings? Zero of those were around when I was a kid.
Zero.
Below’s a pic I took of that exact area 25 years ago. No joke.
This picture was taken April 8th, 2000. If you look to the right, you’ll see zero tall buildings. That’s where my mom’s old home was. Nothing was there then. Oh, and that’s my aunt’s helmet in front; she picked me up on her scooter.
We immediately took a walk so I could see the old hometown.
Her: How do we cross the street without getting killed? Me: Honestly, I have no idea. There were never this many cars around before. This is crazy.
The church that I played at as a kid was still there, which blew my mind.
It wasn’t this color when I was a kid. There weren’t as many cars here so we used to play in the lot. I used to climb up the side of that wall on the right.
Everyone was hungry so we took a walk and found a bao joint.
The buns were hot, fresh, and delicious.
The Uber Eats sign made me chuckle.
Of course, we stopped by a convenience store for some drinks and snacks.
Son: I’ve never seen this before. Me: What? Him: M&Ms…but as a chocolate bar. Me: Crazy what you find in other countries, yeah? You gotta travel when you get older, kid. Who knows what you’ll see elsewhere?
We headed home afterward for the kids to crash.
There was a spa in the hotel that the Firecracker and I both took advantage of except I managed to slip in the whirlpool area and cut a one-inch gash on my left knee.
Her: How did you do that!? Me: Well, first of all, I’ve had very little sleep…
But the staff there patched me up pretty quickly.
Later that night, my cousin picked us up to take us out to eat.
Him: We were so sorry to hear about your late wife and dad. We told your mom but didn’t want to bother you directly. Me: I know. I get it. It was…it was my year of horror (可怕的一年). What can anyone say?
Met up with my aunt – my mom’s younger sister and his mom – at the restaurant. My cousin insisted on taking us all out to eat.
To a buffet of all places.
Firecracker: Oh man, does he know you or what? Me: I think it was just an amazingly lucky guess.
This was my kid cousin. He’s now taller and bigger than me.
He’s got two kids of his own to boot – alla the kids got along like a house on fire, which was sweet.
We caught up for a while and then he drove us all back to our hotel, where we all crashed pretty hard.
But before that, we drove past our grandmother’s store/house.
Me: I shoulda come when she…she went away. Him: Your mom came. Me: Right. Still. Him: It’s ok. Me: I loved that old lady. Him: Of course. We all did. Me: Yeah. (nodding, looking away)
The next morning, we inhaled the brekkie buffet, where I ate my weight in dragonfruit.
Son: Papa, your tongue is bright red. Me: Take a pic and lemme see.
We caught an Uber to a neighboring town where we saw a replica of a Hakka Tulou, something unique to my particular ethnic group.
That’s a full entry for another time as there’s too much to get into now. Yet another thing that the Firecracker researched and set up for us.
Afterward, we caught an Uber back to Hsinchu, where we went to a mall and had some western food because the kids wanted a break from Asian food and so we could get some new clothes for the kids.
Spaghetti in Taiwan turned out to be a very bad idea.
We also brought them to a park to run around before heading back to the hotel.
For dinner, the Firecracker and I wanted some authentic local Taiwanese food from Hsinchu, which is the type of food I think of when I think of Taiwanese food, so my cousin brought me a great local joint.
The beer was really good – kinda sweet and not bitter at all.
Him: When our cousin K came by last time, we blew like $500 USD here. Me: You’re kidding. Him: Nope. Closed the place down. Me: (nodding) We are related.
Something about the lunch we had didn’t sit right with the kid, so he sat alone and didn’t eat – so I knew he was def feeling off.
Like I said, spaghetti in Taiwan turned out to be a bad idea.
The Firecracker, her kid, and I absolutely demolished alla that food.
Afterward, we went to my cousin’s pad and hung out with his kids and my aunt for a while before heading back to the hotel.
It was a sobering thought but I thought that this might be the last time I ever see my aunt again.
Firecracker: Not necessarily. We can come back soon. Me: Maybe. I’d like that, though. Maybe.
Location: my old gym, getting a plaque that says I have a million subs on SF
Mood: ecstatic
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Essentially, it was a business project, with every kid playing a role in sourcing materials, crafting, marketing, and selling bracelets.
