Me: Hey. Her: Yeah? Me: I feel we should just go do it. You and me. Her: Just us? Me: Yeah. I mean, it feels like we’re already married. I can’t imagine life without you. Her: (laughing) Well, that’s good, because you’re not getting rid of me. Me: Sweeeeet.
May or may not post on Monday.
Gonna hang out with the kids and Mrs. Lo for a bit.
Me: This ring is really gonna cut into my picking up women. Her: I will kill you, Logan. I will kill you dead. Me: Noted.
Location: earlier today, the courthouse downtown
Mood: married
Music: I’ll go anywhere you want to (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
The Devil once said something about his childhood that always stuck in my mind:
When you aren’t fed what you need by spoons, you learn to lick what you can off knives.
Never really understood what he meant by that until I became a dad myself, but I think it means that children will fill themselves with something, so it’s best that you do it before they do it themselves with things you may or may not want.
To this end, I’ve been trying my darndest to give him things that I loved as a child, like the books that made me, me or shows that I loved as a kid.
Obviously, he’ll find things of his own that he’ll know and love.
But sometimes I feel it’s a losing battle against the allure of technology and…screens.
Man, screens are crack for kids.
BUT there is one single thing that I loved as a kid that the kid loves as well: Board and card games.
So, the other day, instead of playing Big Two – which we’ve been playing pretty consistently around here – we dusted off the ole Settlers of Catan.
Man, I still remember playing with Paul and my friends way back when and coming home to Alison. That was a lifetime ago.
I digress…
The kids were really into it this time because they understood the rules and strategy, so it was a lot more fun.
While I ended up winning the game, for me, the high point of the whole evening came early on when we were all desperate for bricks.
The kid was the only one with any – he had just one – so we were all trying to cut a deal with him when he looks at the Firecracker’s kid dead in the eye and goes, You wanna trade that for this brick?! No way, bro, these are precious!
AND, I just happened to snap a pic right when he said it – that’s the pic directly above.
Laughed so hard I almost started crying.
That will be in the top ten memories for me and this kid for a while, I think.
Location: at a new studio, filming more shorts and video
Mood: drained
Music: with you, I am whole (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
In any case, I took my buddy out for a drink over the weekend and just heard his (and his mom’s) story, which I’ll end here because it’s not mine to tell.
Me: This is why alcohol was invented, man.
The second was the opposite.
My own mom turned a milestone birthday, one that I’m grateful she was able to reach.
My sister came up with the brilliant plan to have many of our relatives from all over – including Taiwan – to video call her at the same time and wish her well.
As an aside, I usually put up pictures that don’t include my kid sister and only include my brother and me because, by the time she was born, I was already a fatty-fat-fat.
Anywho, getting back to my mom and the video call, she’s not one for pomp and circumstance but I could tell she was touched by the gesture.
I know that, at some point, I will have to go through what my buddy is going through and I’m not – at all – prepared for it.
Don’t think we’re ever prepared to say goodbye to the people we’ve loved so long and so completely.
Ok, that’s my sister when she came home from the hospital. I can put pics of her up so long as I’m not in them.
When I think of my mom, the faces you see above is the face I always see in my head when I think of her.
She’ll always be that young and beautiful to me.
I wish everyone we love can always stay.
Doubt that I’m alone in this.
But that’s not the deal, and we have to accept it, however hard it is.
Me: Even I have to go someday. Him: But…what if you don’t, papa? Me: That’s the deal, kid. We all have to go at some point so someone else gets a chance. Him: (hopefully) But maybe it’ll be different for you. Me: (laughing) Ok, kid. Maybe. We’ll just have to wait and see. Go do your math.
A dear friend wrote me outta the blue one morning.
Her: Hola! You’re probably sleeping but I wanted to see if you and [The Firecracker] are doing anything on the 29th. This guy I’m dating, who apparently is my boyfriend, is taking me to dinner in the city. He’s inviting you both to join. Me: What?! Yes! And…what!?
I’ve known her a solid 17 years and have never met anyone she’s ever dated, let alone someone she’s called her boyfriend.
So, I moved a buncha things around and the two of us met up with her and her fella at Aqua, downtown.
He was actually a super nice fella and seemed a touch nervous, which I found pretty sweet.
Me: How did you two meet? Friend: (rolls her eyes) How do you think, Logan? Me: Ah, the traditional online meet-cute. Firecracker: Logan wanted to make the best first impression so he ate a full dinner before dinner. Me: This is true, I had to pregame with a burger and salad.
Of course, this didn’t stop me from finishing my entire meal.
As well as the Firecracker’s.
And my friend’s.
And…
Him: I actually only wanted half the pizza. Me: Are you sure? Friend: Just eat it, Logan, you know you want to. Me: (shrugging) Hokay. Firecracker: I honest-to-god don’t know where he puts it all. I always say that he’s got a peg leg.
Turns out that he’s only in town for a (very) long-term work project but hinted that he was open to moving to the area for her.
Friend: (joking) I don’t know why he’s so into me. Me: Oh, I get it. Firecracker: Me too – when you know you know.
This isn’t to say that they’re guaranteed to end up together – although the Firecracker and I really liked him and hope they work out – but it’s definitely worlds easier when both parties are really into each other.
Afterward, we went to Thyme Bar where I bought a round of drinks before heading back.
The drinks were delicious and insanely strong.
On the ride back, the Firecracker and I got to talking; we both agreed that we felt a spark the moment we met and saw each other almost every day for weeks.
Me: The thing is that, when I met you, I wanted to see you as much as possible because the worst type of disappointment is the kind that takes months to figure out. Her: (nodding) Same. I wanted to know as soon as possible as well.
Firecracker: (reading over my shoulder as I write this) Like us! Me: (laughing) Agreed.
Location: home, listening to the dulcet sounds of TWO jackhammers right outside my door
Mood: Jackhammered
Music: And I want you to want to be here with me (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Mom: Was that today? I forgot. Me: (gently) That’s ok. I forgot too until [my sister] reminded me. It’s good that we forgot today. It’s not like we’d forget him. Her: Oh, I’d never forget him. Me: I know, mom.
I graduated college waaaaaaaay back in 1993. For a solid decade or two afterward, I told time in terms of “college lifetimes.”
Like, eight years woulda been two college lifetimes.
I remember when 1997 rolled around; I marveled that I’d spent four years in college and now, another four years had passed.
College seemed like it would go on forever.
And now, it’s been over for 32 years, which is such a kick in the head.
It doesn’t feel like my dad and Alison have been gone for two college lifetimes, and yet they have.
I suppose the only small solace in all this is both my mom and I forgot that my dad died this week, and that’s such a good thing.
Don’t wanna celebrate, or even memorialize his death, just his life, and how much it meant to me.
My dad drove an old beat-up blue Toyota.
The man coulda bought any car he wanted but that car never gave him a lick of trouble, and he loved it, so he drove it until it practically fell apart.
My siblings and I are pretty much the same way as him.
I used to take the train to Flushing and my dad would pick me up at 老地方, or “the regular spot,” for years in his blue whip.
There was one time, he picked me up with a mischievous grin on his face.
Him: You smell anything? Me: (getting into the car) Yeah. What is that? Him: Open the glove compartment. Me: (opening it) OMG, you got a Fontana’s gyro for me! Him: (nodding) With extra meat, just like you always ask for.
Swear to god, I had no idea that I’d replay that moment a thousand times in my head.
That was my dad. No one picks me up from the regular spot anymore.
I don’t have him or my regular spot anymore.
He woulda loved the kid so much too.
And he’d be so amused at how much he eats, like me.
Me: Oh man, thanks, dad. You’re the best! Him: (waving his hand) For my boy? Of course! Just remember to treat your kids the same way. Me: (laughing) Kids? Me?
I’m 26 in that picture above. Half my current age.
When Alison was here, I used to do most of the cooking. And with the Firecracker, I cook most dinners.
It’s because Alison and The Firecracker both preferred cleaning to cooking.
But there are so many dishes that I wish I coulda made for everyone, but I just don’t have the recipe.
Me: I wish I wrote down some of my dad’s recipes. But I was so fucked up at the time. Firecracker: You did the best you could with what you had. And just leave it at that. Me: Thanks for saying that. Her: Anytime. And it’s true.
My kid let me sleep in – like, seriously, sleep in – for Father’s Day, which I really appreciated.
It gave me time to just stay in bed and think about my dad.
I mention him a lot in this blog, but I wanted to share another story to give you some idea of what he was all about.
When I was a kid, I rarely saw him. He was out the door to job number 1 before I woke up for school, which meant that he was already up, dressed, and ready for the day by 7AM.
And I was usually in bed by 9PM but I didn’t see him because he went to school at night to try to better himself.
This left my mom home to cook and clean for us. We were poor so we almost never ate out or had take out anything.
She cooked 3-4 meals a day, because she also had to cook something for my dad at the crack of dawn.
When my dad retired, decades later, my mom was working. And he told her that she would never have to cook again.
He explained it to me once.
Him: Your mom stayed home to take care of the house so that I could work and make money for us. I told her that, because I have time now, I’ll do all the cooking and cleaning now while she’s working because it’s only fair.
And he did.
For at least the last decade-and-a-half of his life, he cooked every single meal he could for her.
He also wouldn’t let her clean up afterward.
That was the deal.
This was taken in 2002, 23 years ago when my life was so very different.
That’s who my dad was; he was a feminist and a liberal in many ways, without ever saying either word in his lifetime, I don’t think.
He just was madly in love with my mom, I think. And he innately believed in fairness.
He wasn’t without his faults, just like the rest of us, but when it came to his wife and family, he was the kinda guy we all wish we could be.
I miss his terribly, on this Father’s Day and every day.
I hope that what he gave me, I can give the kid so that the kid can give it to his family.
Suppose that’s as fine a legacy as anything.
Location: the couch, with the kid, watching Charlie Brown
Mood: nostalgic
Music: you wouldn’t have to say (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Was walking the kid to his BJJ class the other day when we found another lost heart.
And I was instantly back to 2006 in my old life.
At least, in my head.
In the past five decades or so, gotta say that one of the truest things I’ve ever heard was from a glam rock back in the 80s, of all things.
The song went:
I wish to God I didn’t know now
The things I didn’t know then
Fuck me if that’s not onea the truest goddamn things anyone’s ever written.
Location: my roof, wishing it would stop raining
Mood: sleepless
Music: my best friend died (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
A little while ago, the Professor dropped me a line.
Him: If you’ve seen the HBO series Westworld there’s a line where a female robot is about to get her mind wiped again – to spare her from feeling the pain of her child s death – and she cries out “Please, no – the pain is all I have left.” I thought that line was quite powerful. Me: (sighing) Yeah. Thinking of Alison and my dad is always painful but it’s better than not feeling anything at all, I think. Sometimes, I think differently, but for now, I agree.
Him: I wish I knew her better. Me: Me too, kiddo. You woulda loved her. Him: And she woulda loved me? Me: Oh, kiddo, she absolutely did. And she’d be so thrilled with the person you’re becoming.
She had a little lamb, whose fleece was white – as white as snow, in fact. And this little lamb followed Mary everywhere.
Her friend, John Roulstone, upon seeing this, was so amused, he wrote her a poem about it.
Image via Art and Picture Collection, The New York Public Library.
The poem went:
Mary had a little lamb;
Its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rule;
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school.
And so the teacher turned it out;
But still it lingered near,
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear.
There’s some question as to the validity of all this, but I like to believe it.
See, almost everyone in America has heard about Mary, knew her situation, and remembered her little lamb that she loved so much, and that loved her so much.
But I’m struck that everyone forgot that Mary was a real person, with all her hopes and dreams, and people – and animals – that loved her deeply.
Even if the poem wasn’t actually Mary Elizabeth Sawyer, the hope is that Mary was a real person, and this was a real thing.
This coming week will be both Alison’s birthday and Mother’s Day.
And the anniversary of her death is coming up as well.
Every May I struggle with the void that she left after she died.
As hard as that is, it’s even harder for the kid, who – year-after-year – feels the loss a touch more acutely than the previous year.
Moreover, I worry that she’ll just be a distant idea to him, like Mary.
Like, I picture her in my head like the picture above while I think that my son pictures her like the blurry main picture of this entry.
It’s her but it’s…blurry.
Then again, it’s always good to be remembered in some positive way.
Whether that be in a children’s rhyme or a blog that almost no one reads.
I’ll probably write more later, but I just wanted you to know that the Lo household was thinking about her this May, like we do every May.
And like I always do.
Him: Papa! Did you know that there’s a country called Burkina Faso? Isn’t that a cool name? Me: It is! Did you know that mommy used to go there all the time? Him: She did? Why? Me: She worked for a place called Helen Keller and was always trying to help people. That’s one of the things that I always loved about her. She was always trying to help people – she was such a good person, kiddo. Maybe, when you grow up, you can help people like she did. Him: I will! Me: (nodding) She’d love that. She would have loved that. And you.
It took me two days because I wanted to get it just right.
Plus, I made two of them.
They came out perfectly!
I meant to take pictures of both of them but we were all starving and could barely take the pictures that we did.
I also made some mac and cheese for the boys – my sister has two boys, I have the boy, and the Firecracker has a son as well.
That was a huge hit with them, as was the chicken for everyone else.
And I got them some dumplings, which were actually not as much a hit with the boys as I’d hoped.
As was the mashed potatoes that the Firecracker made completely from scratch.
Her: We have a five pound bag of potatoes. How many should I make. Me: Five? Her: (shrugging) OK, five pounds of mashed potatoes, coming up.
She also made a broccoli casserole, which I love, from scratch, as well as some beef with broccoli, Chinese-style, but from a kit.
My sis made an absolutely delicious low-carb chocolate cake while my brother-in-law made a killer apple and cranberry pie.
I insisted that they take the pie home because: (a) I prefer pie to cake, (b) it was legit delicious – I was very impressed – but not low-carb so I knew I would eat the entire thing if left in my house.
We were all stuffed in short order.
The kids got to play a bit while the rest of us just chatted and caught up.
We were done pretty early and my family were on the road before dinnertime, along with lots of leftovers for everyone.
Firecracker: You mom said I should bring something to my ex. Me: Yeah, you should. (thinking) OMG, give him some potatoes. We can’t have it in the house. Her: Cause you’ll eat it? Me: Cause I’ll eat it.
Had a chance to talk to my mom before she left.
Me: So, what did you think, mom? Her: You gave me so much food! Normally, I would eat a lot less but I wanted to make you happy. Me: Honestly, I’m just glad you came. Her: Oh, we’ll come again! Me: That would be great, mom. It’d be really great. Thanks for coming.
May or may not post on Monday.
