Tag: love

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personal

It might be her

Conversations with Sara

When I first met Sara, she was the Firecracker and I was trying to impress her.

Me:… And I have no debt.
Her: Ooooh, stop it with your dirty talk.

Like all relationships, after a certain amount of time, our conversations have become a lot more pedestrian.

Her: (panting from a hard run) So. Gross.
Me: Someone deserves a glass of iced tea.
Her: God, I hope it’s me.
Me: (laughing) Might just be, might just be…

I think that’s the reason why people always like new relationships.

Because it’s always so interesting to find out about another person.

But, when you’re with someone that’s as old as I am, I think that (a) there’s always something new to learn about me, and (b) I’m always interested in the little things that make someone uniquely them.

Me: (laughing at her hair curlers) I was not aware of this prior to our getting married.
Her: (still not looking at me) Hey, Logan.
Me: Yeah?
Her: Aren’t you the guy with multiple containers of other – used – containers.
Me: Well, I wouldn’t say multiple.
Her: Oh yeah? There’s the box in your closet, the bags in the front closets, the containers on the wall… So yeah, multiple. Leave my curlers alone.
Me: I’m Asian! We all have bags of bags!

The thing is that we’ve led such different lives that I find her endlessly fascinating.

The hope, of course, is that she continues to find me and my life interesting enough to stick around and we can continue to grow together.

Her: (to the Frenchman’s wife) Logan has a box of bags and a bag of bags, you know.
Frenchman’s wife: Wait, you don’t? We have a bag of bags…
Me: (interrupting) Ah-HA! Vindicated! Asians united!

Well, that’s the hope, anywho…

Location: my room, writing this and video chatting with the Scenic Fights fellas
Mood: grateful
Music: damn, those eyes, they get me every time (Spotify)
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Staying home for the first time in decades

She always looks like this

The very next day, Sara was going to her mom’s, and I was heading back to NYC – but not home.

My mom had some legal stuff that I had to help her out with – plus my sister and her entire family was away and I didn’t like the thought of her being alone in the house.

So, I went to keep her company for a few days.

Her: I’m not a child, you don’t have to stay!
Me: First of all, you’re not, but this might take more than a day to do. Second of all, your air conditioner is much better than mine.

Unfortunately, because of the timing, I had to cut my trip short with Sara because of it.

Sara: Well, I’m not happy. But I understand.
Me: And that, is why you’re the best. I’ll make it up to you, promise.
Her: You better.

Sara was such a doll – she even booked my flight back.

In North Carolina, it was so humid outside that the AC was literally steaming up the inside of the plane.

But I’d heard that NYC was even worse.

I arrived at LGA in less than 90 mins – it woulda been shorter but I flew out on the 4th of July and the airspace over DC was closed so we had to go ten minutes out west and come back ten minutes.

Still, a LOT better than our return trip two years ago.

I immediately hopped into a cab and headed to see my mom.

Honestly, I really wanted to go home and be in my own apartment and bed, but my family needed me so off I went.

The legal work took a little longer than I anticipated – that, plus the heat was ridonk; the real feel was 107 degrees.

Her: Should we turn on the air conditioner?
Me: Nah, we can just sit here and sweat.
Her: OK.
Me: That was sarcasm! It’s 107, mom!

It had been well over 15 years since I last slept over there. Maybe 20 years?

If anyone felt like a kid, it was me. She kept cautioning me to be careful when I went outside.

Me: You know I’m 53, right mom?

But I get it. I think my kid will always be my little boy, no matter how old he gets.

And, while my mom looks like the photo above these days, in my head she always looks like this (I’m probably thinking of food in this pic):

Honestly, it was nice spending some time with her, just the two of us.

Her: You did such a good job by yourself with [your son].
Me: Well, I had a lotta help.
Her: It’s not easy. Being a parent. (later) I was a good parent, right?
Me: The best, mom. You were and are the best. I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
Her: (wrinkling her nose) What does that mean?!
Me: (shrugging) Just something Alison used to say.
Her: Oh, you were so fat when you were young. (laughs)
Me: (nodding) I’m not unaware, mom.

Location: the somewhat cooler apartment
Mood: pensive
Music: I’m just trying to find my way home (Spotify)
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Travelogue: Asheville, North Carolina Pt 2

Hot as blazes

The next morning, we met up with alla Sara’s relatives for brunch.

And then hung out with them for some swimming, day drinking, and chips.

Nice buncha folks.

Forgot to take pics so here’s what I had for brekkie instead.

That night was the wedding, which was HOT.

Me: Holy cow, it’s 6PM and feels like 2PM.
Her: The sun sets later down south, Logan.
Me: I’m seeing this.

It was on the roof of the brewery from the previous entry.

Gorgeous day and view but hot as blazes.

I stayed indoors for as long as I possibly could.

I had originally brought a vested suit and dress shirt to wear but I heard someone say that shorts were allowed so I quickly pivoted.

Sara, unfortunately, could not as she was one of the bridesmaids.

I thought she looked great, though.
Poor Sara had to be in the 95+ degree sun for over an hour for the ceremony and pics.

The actual ceremony was pretty quick, which is good because everyone – myself included was melting.

I actually bought this tiny little fan that I kept on me the whole time; at least half-a-dozen people commented on that.

Him: That is genius.
Me: Yeah, I got it as soon as I heard it was an outdoor wedding in July.
Him: I should have done that.
Me: I don’t do well in the heat.

I like things that are clever and there were two rather clever ideas that the bride and groom had regarding the table seating.

The first was that the groom is a tenured librarian so there were two Dewey Decimal System drawers with actual cards on them that our assigned dinner tables.

The second had to do with how they met; they’re both avid rock concert goers and met at a concert.

So, the wedding was music themed with every table having an album (I guess they really are making a comeback) name.

Sara and I were assigned the Fleetwood Mac Rumors table.

I couldn’t wait to get in the air-conditioned main hall – and start shoveling some North Carolina BBQ down my piehole – so, as soon as the ceremony was done, off we went.

After a buncha speeches, we got to the eating, which was excellent.

Me: When do you think we can go up for seconds?
Him: I think you gotta wait until all the tables have gone already.
Me: Fiiine. (later) Do you think it’s ok to get thirds?
Someone else: Go for it, people are going for dessert.

On that note, even the cake – cupcakes, really – were music themed.

Obvs, they are Grateful Dead fans…

They seriously felt like they were meant for each other.

Her: I love weddings! I love love!
Me: (laughing) I can tell. (thinking) It’s good. Waiting for the right things in your life.
Her: It took me a really long time to figure out what I did and didn’t like. I mean, half the time I still don’t know what I like.
Me: Well, you know you like old Chinese men.
Her: (laughs) Yes, I do.

Location: back at home, eating dinner number three
Mood: still hungry
Music: I’ll tell you ’bout the time when I first met you, listen to our favorite song (Spotify)
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The things he carried

What they represent

The stuff I took from my sister a few weeks ago deserves its own entry here, but I wanted to talk about some things that I found that brought back so many memories.

See, I recall the picture of my mom that you see above, and the vocab cards were always in his wallet.

I didn’t know about the other two pictures.

It reminded me of the picture of my son’s sonogram that Alison carried around in her filofax.

She must have looked at that image a million times and dreamt of the life that she and he would have together.

Fuck.

But this entry isn’t about her but about my dad.

This Father’s Day, the kid gave me this card that he wrote up in Chinese school.

He kept his promise from Mother’s Day and handed me the card you see below.

Just like with the Mother’s Day card he gave me, he wrote on this one: Happy, happy, happy.

Only, this time, it really was. He handed it to me beaming.

Me: Why did you write, “Happy, Happy, Happy?”
Him: (shrugging) I dunno. Why aren’t you going to read it now?
Me: Because it’s not Father’s Day just yet. I wanna have something to read that day.
Him: Oh, ok!

And I saved it for that day, which is its own entry.

I think children don’t really know what their parents truly carry around with them.

Alison and my dad both carried around physical pictures of the things that they loved because that was the time they were born in – there were no smartphones, no jpegs, no MP4 files, no digital flashcards.

So, they picked the most special things to carry with them and those were my dad’s

I know that Alison stared at that sonogram a million times throughout the day.

My dad looked at my brother and me so many times that he had to laminate the picture you see above.

And the picture of all three kids was folded, so I know he kept it in his wallet.

Finally, that picture of my mom always made me realize just how much he loved her.

I’m guessing that he looked at that picture of my mom – prior to him cutting it – and thought:

She looks so beautiful. But this isn’t a good picture. I’ll just cut out her face because I want to look at it while I’m busy at work.

Now, I totally made up that conversation with my dad to himself.

But, lemme tell you, I would bet my entire pad that I’m 100% right.

Because he only had eyes for her – everything else could go away.

My dad wasn’t perfect, but he taught me how to be a good father and husband without talking about either.

He just did it – meaning he just was a good dad and was a good husband – so I could copy him.

I think those are the best dads and the kind I hope I am, or at least could be.

I told you, decades ago, that:

You don’t love a picture because of the paper it’s printed on.

You love a picture for what it represents.

These are the pictures and things my father loved.

As for us, we are so very lucky; I have an entire phone that has access to thousands of pictures and videos – of Sara, of the kid, of my family, of Alison.

I carry my phone wherever I go, which means that I carry them wherever I go.

My dad carried less than I did, I carry more than he did, but we loved every single one of them the same way.

And he carried those vocabulary cards because he loved learning and I love learning because he did.

Just like him, I always carry something that will make me a little smarter than I was yesterday.

Just like I carry him with me.

Sara: You ok?
Me: Yeah. (pause) I just miss my dad.
Her: Yeah. (thinking) What do you want for dinner tomorrow?
Me: (brightening) Oh man, carbs! Like maybe pasta? Or sushi? Or…noodles? I know! Indian food – rice, bread, potatoes…yeah.
Her: (laughing) It’s Father’s Day. You can have all that.
Me: Thanks, baby. (sighing) Thanks.
Her: (nodding gently) Anytime, Logan Lo. Anytime.

Location: Chinatown…with all the carbs
Mood: wistful
Music: 上を向いて歩こう (Spotify)
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The key to happiness

VR DINKS

Me: Facebook just asked me if I wanted to join their VR High School. (long pause) That sounds just awful.
Her: (laughing) Agreed.
Me: Like, who on earth would do such a thing? Who thinks that’s a good idea? Why not just have “VR Let’s Stick Two Burning Red-Hot Spoons into Our Eyes?” It’d be about the same.
Her: I would want VR DINKS – Dual Income No Kids.
Me: Yeah, young adults with freedom and just a bit of scratch.
Her: Exactly. But VR High School sounds awful.
Me: What on earth was Zuck thinking? VR High School: Relive having no freedom, no money, and constant anxiety?

Went to the kid’s school the other day for a presentation he had.

Essentially, it was a business project, with every kid playing a role in sourcing materials, crafting, marketing, and selling bracelets.

Went in and bought the middle tier bracelet ($3.75) because all the other parents already cleared out the first-tier bracelets ($5).

Him: Thanks for coming!
Me: Dude, have I ever missed anything you’ve done?

Don’t envy the kid having to go to school.

Granted, I liked being a kid and I liked parts of school – it was the only place where I didn’t feel that oppressive loneliness – although I’m not sure the alternative was much better.

Having said that, I remember wanting so much to be older. I try to tell myself that, there was once a time I dreamt of having all that I have.

I think being grateful for the things we once wished for and now have is the key to happiness.

While VR DINKS sounds like something that might be fun for a bit, I can’t really imagine life without the kid at all.

He’s just such a good little guy and I’m so proud of the fact that he’s so resilient.

Which is good, because he’ll have to be with the dense people that seem to surround him alla time.

Me: How was your field trip?!
Him: Below average.
Me: Oh man, do you wanna talk about it?
Him: Not really. (pause) Well, we were on the bus for three hours each way with NO AIR CONDITIONING. Everyone was super hot.
Me: Oh, that’s not good. I’m sorry, kiddo.
Him: And…the person there asked a bunch of questions. One of them was “Whoever lives with your mom and dad, step forward.” And (long pause and a cracking voice) I was the only who didn’t step forward.
Me: (sighing) I’m sorry, kid. Adults are really stupid sometimes.
Him: Yeah. I didn’t…it didn’t feel very good.
Me: (sighing again) Yeah.

I still sigh a lot around here.

Location: the gym, worried that I crippled someone. I did not. But he’ll need ice for a while.
Mood: forlorn
Music: she never dies. Wipe that tear away now from your eye (Spotify)
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Staring into the sun

All about the kid

ABFF: Do you still want to keep tradition of dinner on Alison’s birthday? There’s no pressure on that – as [the kid] gets older, I totally get that he may not want to do it, or you may do something else, or…
Me: Yes, please. We’ll be there.

As we’ve been doing for the past several years, we went to ABFF’s place on Alison’s actual birthday.

ABFF asked me if I wanted to do it again this year, which I found surprising because I’m always grateful whenever someone wants to celebrate or remember Alison.

So, Sara, both kids, and I went.

We picked up a bottle of wine and had some pizza and Italian food, because that’s what the kid wanted.

And this day is really all about the kid and Alison.

And finished off the night with a Carvel ice cream cake, which also reminded me of my uncle.

ABFF: Do you remember the whale?
Me: Yeah, what was the name of it?
Her: I don’t remember. (later) Wait, Fudgie!
Me: Yes! Fudgie the Whale!

This time around, we didn’t do anything like the balloons or anything like that, because the kid always takes it so hard.

This time around, Alison was in the background, which I think is good, because thinking too much about her – for the kid and me – is a bit like staring into the sun.

It’s too much to take for too long so we turn away.

I also wanted to say that I think it says volumes about Sara that she always comes to support us and is always just a great presence there.

Can’t tell you how grateful I am that she’s in our lives.

Dunno how I managed to do it, but I’ve really met some amazing and wonderful people in my life.

Heard this quote once that went something like, “There’s no such thing as a long road with good company.

Not sure about that, as I’ve been on some long and awful roads.

But good company makes it more bearable.

Her: Are you OK?
Me: No. But I will be. I just have to make it past this week.
Her: OK.
Me: Thanks for being here.
Her: Where else would I go?

Location: earlier today, a roundtable, being told I’m no Daredevil
Mood: better
Music: And I’m tired of getting used to the day (Spotify)
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Alison would have been 47

Growing older is a privilege

It was just Alison’s birthday.

My sister said something to me once, in reference to Alison, when she turned a major milestone birthday:

Growing older is a privilege, not everyone gets the chance.

I’m getting older with every entry.

Hard to believe I started this blog almost 20 years ago – some people that started reading me 20 years ago are still here, which I’m eternally grateful for.

And some of you met Alison when I met her, suffered with her as I did, and said goodbye to her when I did as well.

I’m definitely eternally grateful for that also. Thank you.

And, selfishly, if nothing else, I made alla you think of her for a second or two today.

That always gives me some comfort because she always wondered if people would forget her.

There’s little chance of that.

Can I tell you a story about Alison?

When I met her early on, we traded dating stories, as I always did with people I started dating.

She told me once that she went with her sister to a blind/speed date thingy and it was packed with very average guys and almost no women.

When the few women that were there saw the pickings, they all left, leaving just Alison and her sister there with dozens of dudes.

But they both stayed because they didn’t want to absolutely crush all the remaining people there.

Me: Well, you coulda just left.
Alison: I couldn’t do that, Logan. You should have seen how sad everyone looked.
Me: So, you stayed there for hours just because you didn’t want to hurt a bunch of strangers’ feelings?
Her: (puzzled) Yeah, Logan.

That was her in a nutshell – always thinking of others. Always.

I didn’t fall for her because I thought she was beautiful – which she was – but because she was so unfailingly kind.

She was such a good person.

The kinda girl you’d wanna start a family with.

Because she was built to love and take care of people.

That’s why it guts me that she’s gone.

The world is so much worse off that someone as good as her is not here and someone as misanthropic as I am, remain.

She was always better at being human than me.

Here’s hoping I can still make the kid as good a human as she was.

Him: (softly) Mommy’s not here so…can I just give this to you? (quieter) I got a flower too.
Me: I love it, thanks!
Him: I’ll still give you something for Father’s Day, papa.
Me: Sweet! You’re the best. I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

I noticed that he didn’t write “Happy Mother’s Day,” in the valentine heart on the card above.

Instead he wrote, “Happy, Happy, Happy” because…well, you know…

So, I took the card on behalf of Alison, gave him a hug and kiss, put him to bed, and waited until I could shower to cry for a little bit.

Like I do every year.

Goodnight and Happy Birthday, Alison.

We miss you terribly.

Location: uptown, with the ABFF, Sara, and the kid, looking at a picture of Alison that showed up on the ABFF’s digital picture frame and thinking she looked happy
Mood: melancholy
Music: the stars, look how they shine for you (Spotify)
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A Taiwanese Mother’s Day

Hard things to accept

Me: For Mother’s Day brunch, what’re you in the mood for? We may or may not need a reservation. Middle Eastern, Asian, Western, what?
Sara: I want a 蛋餅 (danbing).
Me: OK! That makes things MUCH easier. I’m on it. That’s it then. You just chill. I’ll handle the rest.

While we were in Taiwan, Sara and the kids go really into Taiwanese brekkies, their favourite of which was a savory egg crepe.

But, because (a) it’s Taiwanese and (b) it’s a breakfast dish, we haven’t had any places or opportunities with which to have it.

But for Mother’s Day, Sara really wanted some Taiwanese food for brunch, and I wanted to see my mom anywho, so this was perfect.

To this end, I took Sara out to the very first Taiwanese restaurant I’d ever taken her to out in Queens

There, we ordered practically the whole menu, and she had to have her stinky tofu.

Her son: The whole restaurant is gonna hate us. We’re gonna scare people off like we did in Taiwan.
Me: Nah, look around. You two are one of only three non-Taiwanese here. We’re all used to it.

Afterward, we went to go to a bookstore to kill some time (not sure what the kid is doing here)…

…before seeing my mom for a bit.

But we didn’t stay long as we took our kids and my nephews for a quick trip to the local park for them to enjoy the sunshine out in the burbs before dinner.

Sara was happy to just hear the birds, enjoy the sunshine, and smell the grass.

Afterwards, we came back to eat with my mom and my sister’s family.

Ended up getting BBQ of all things.

But my mom enjoyed it.

Mom: This is great! I really should stop cooking and just order in more. Cooking is tiring.
Me: OMG, mom, that’s what we’ve all been saying!

Talking with my mom bums me out these days.

Not that particular exchange above, just in general.

Because she’s always had a memory like a steel trap – dude, that lady’s mind was razor sharp my whole life – but lately, she’s been forgetting things more than she’s ever done in the past.

I suppose it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise for me seeing as I’m already in my 50s and she’s in her 80s but it’s still hard to accept.

Everything is harder to accept these days.

But more on that in the next entry.

Location: earlier tonight in LIC, wondering if the homeless guy was gonna throw a large rock at us
Mood: full, so full
Music: If you could see it then you’d understand (Spotify)
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An unexpected trip to Queens

A Chinese Chicken Gryo / Shawarma

Me: Why didn’t you answer you phone?!!
Mom: I didn’t hear it ring!
Me: For over an hour!?

My sister was inspired by our trip to Taiwan, so she took her kids there for Spring Break.

So, when she rang me, I assumed that it was to tell me something fun.

Instead, it was to tell me that her husband hadn’t heard from my mom in a few hours.

Without giving too much detail away, essentially, my mom forgot where she parked her car and decided to take an outrageously long walk home(ish).

With the help of my brother-in-law – thank goodness he was home – she made it home and found her car but not until hours later.

Out of an abundance of caution, and because I always, always, always regret not seeing Alison and my dad every chance I could, I woke up bright and early the next day to see her.

Because it was so early, I took the same route I took to return home to Queens from high school – it had been years since I’d taken that route home.

It was faster than I remembered.

Maybe it was because I had my laptop and could do work, and that made the commute a lot faster.

I remember that my dad would sometimes be waiting in the car at the subway station for me.

I looked at the place he would usually park for reasons I can’t explain.

Dunno why I do things like that.

Stupid, really.

But in some reality, he’s still alive and he’s waiting for me.

I digress…

Me: I’m just worried about you.
Her: What’s there to worry about? I forgot where I parked my car is all. It’s not that big a deal.
Me: I dunno, mom.
Her: It’s fine, it’s fine. Did you eat yet? Lemme make you something to eat.
Me: It’s ok, I’m not hungry.

That last part was true.

Literally, the only time I’m ever not hungry is when I’m worried. And I was worried about my mom.

Didn’t stay long. It took me 90 minutes to get to her, but I only stayed for 45 mins because I had so much to do.

Just wanted to see and hug her.

If you can see and hug your mom, you absolutely should.

Since I was in Queens, I remembered that I saw this Instagram short about this dude in Flushing Queens selling this 2000-year-old Chinese gyro / shawarma thingy – and you know what a sucker I am for those things – and I decided to get one before I headed back home.

Essentially, I saw that she seemed like herself and my hunger came roaring back.

 

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So, I went there, waited in a short line, and ordered one.

$6. Chicken with a ton of cumin.

The bread was like a cross between a crossiont and phylo sheet. It was pretty delicious, I gotta say.

Realized, as I ate it at noon or so, that it was the very first thing I’d eaten all day – it was my first bite of food in 18 hours.

When Alison and my dad got sick, I dropped down to 140 pounds. I was skin and bones.

I know that I should spend as much time with my mom while I can.

Just don’t wanna think about things like that.

So, I think about stupid things like 2,000 year old Chinese gyros and push all that doubt to the side of my mouth.

Location: the gym, trying to impress this hot blonde
Mood: meditative
Music: we brave beestings and all (Spotify)
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Run for your children

You made it

Him: Look… (holds up belt)
Me: What? HEY – you got it! That’s my boy!

This was a pretty busy week, kid-wise.

First, the kid got a new BJJ belt, which he’s been hoping for for quite a while now.

Then I went to another one of his publishing parties at his school – it was nice that he was so happy to see me.

Then we dropped down to 0 degrees Fahrenheit with wind chill this past weekend in the city and we had a full day shoot at my old gym.

Me: Whoa! Why’s it so cold?
Him: The heat’s out.
Me: Get outta here.

It was way worse in that everyone else got to wear sweatshirts and hoodies, but I had to do all six hours in a tee-shirt.

I was absolutely miserable.

For serious, one of the guys was literally wearing his entire outer wear AND his costume while setting up while I’m in a tee-shirt.

Director: Whoa, your hands are turning blue.
Me: (teeth chattering) I am not unaware…also, I hate you.

Normally, I’m one of the fastest of the bunch to shoot his scenes but, because I was absolutely freezing, I kept messing up my lines.

Me: By the end of this video, you’ll know the mistakes that get people killed by Ghostface…
Director: You can’t say killed.
Me: Goddammit! OK. Sorry. “By the end of this video, you’ll know the mistakes that get people killed…”
Director: You can’t say killed.
Me: Goddammit! OK. Sorry. “By the end of this video, you’ll know the mistakes that get people killed” – GODDAMMIT!

Repeat about 20 times.

But I had to get my lines done because I had to make the kid’s recital, which was supposed to be at 5PM waaaaaaayyy uptown.

Because I wasn’t gonna make it, I wrote Sara and asked her to talk to his guitar teacher and ask if he could push it back 20 minutes to 5:20.

As soon as I cranked out that stupid line, I dashed up there, RAN outta the subway station (in boots, on ice, carrying a ton of gear and frying pan (part of the shoot)) and into the church where he was the next kid up.

Just made it.


At 1:52, there was a slight glitch with the video, sorry, but otherwise, it’s pretty good, I think?

Watch the video and catch the ending, where he saw that I came.

Little things like that make everything worth it.

Mood: still brrrrrrrrrrr
Music: Leave all your love and your longing behind, you can’t carry it with you if you want to survive (Spotify)
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