Category: personal

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personal

Wait and hope

My one and done

Her: I’m not against it per se but, Logan, if we have a kid, say, next year. You’ll be 73 when she’s 21. Do you really want to be 73 with a 21-year-old kid?
Me: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

Alison was the oldest of three; two girls and a boy.

As the middle of three, we were the mirror of that; two boys and a girl.

She always wanted two or three kids, whereas I always wanted three. My son was always supposed to be the oldest of – ideally for me – three kids.

After Alison died, the thought of more kids was the furthest thing from my mind. After I started feeling better, I kept thinking that I needed to get into a stable relationship ASAP so that I could give the kid some siblings, which he’s always wanted.

That might have put undue pressure on my relationships after Alison.

The Firecracker and I discussed having more kids. I still dream of having more kids but I’m 52 this week (!!).

The practicality of having more kids seems less practical by the minute.

Although the NFL Player insists that we won’t regret it if we do – and he’s right, I’m sure we wouldn’t regret it. The issue is everything involved in it.

And the fact that the kid’s birth was so much joy wrapped up in so much horror further makes me more hesitant.

To this end, I’ve begun giving away alla the things I’ve been keeping the basement for the past seven or eight years in the hopes of having another kid.

Gave away a baby diaper pail, a chair that Alison got to nurse on, and the kid’s crib, which was probably the hardest thing to give away.

I love the boy in a way that I don’t have words to adequately express it.

And I’m sure I’d love whatever siblings he might have.

So, I do what I’ve done my entire life with everything, and do as Dumas said to do, Wait and hope.

Location: my old gym, shooting more scenes
Mood: thoughtful
Music: Open up the door, c’mon sing me home (Spotify)
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There’s no limit to skill or knowledge

Zero is plural

Me: Is zero singular or plural?
Him: I dunno.
Me: Use it in a sentence.
Him: “There are zero apples.” (thinking) Plural?
Me: Yes. All whole numbers are plural except for one – negative one is also plural, which is weird but here we are.

I spend a lotta time in my head, mainly because that’s where I’m the most comfortable.

Family aside, my entire childhood was essentially spent alone. Grade school, middle school, high school, etc.

College was different, though, which I found odd but nice.

I had a lotta friends, several close ones, and yet, I spent most of my time either at a girlfriend’s or by myself in the city when I’d come down by myself.

You get used to things.

Was chatting with Rain the other day and we both commented how similar we are when it comes to enjoying our solitude.

We’re good with people; we just choose not to interact with them unless there’s a good reason.

My son is different.

He not only doesn’t like to be alone, he craves human interaction.

I wonder if that will make his life better, worse, or just different.

The hope is for him to be happy and productive, whatever either of those two things mean to him.

In my younger years, being alone was hell.

But now that I’m older, I think being with random people is hell.

The more news I read, the more I think I want to just stay home with the Firecracker and the kid and never walk out the door.

Him: Why do I need to learn all this?
Me: Because there’s a limit to strength, power, or money. There’s no limit to skill or knowledge. You can always make yourself a little smarter every day.
Him: But why?
Me: Because it’ll mean that you can always be better tomorrow than you were today. That’s a powerful thing.

Location: my back bathroom, wondering if green tile is the way to go
Mood: slightly nauseated from too much cheese
Music: Should I try to do some more? Twenty-five or six to four (Spotify)
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Obviously, it’s a squirrel

Plus, a visit to an Asian market

Her: (showing me a picture) This one was taken in 98. What were you doing in 98?
Me: I’d already graduated college so…
Her: I was in seventh grade! You’re so old, Logan!
Me: Thanks…?

Seeing my mom is a coordinated affair.

The reason why is because she works and is also heavily involved in church, so my visits have to revolve around those two things with her.

But I also need to be mindful of my sister and nephews’ schedules as well because the kids all like to hang out together.

This means that I don’t get to see my mom nearly as much as I would like to but when I do, it’s usually a fun time, what with all the kids happy and excited to play together.

The Firecracker’s kid was a new wrinkle but, after my nephews met him last time around, and again for Thanksgiving, by this time, they all got along as thick as thieves.

In any case, my mom and nephews weren’t gonna be around for a bit, so I took everyone for a drive out to Long Island to kill a little time before we all met up.

Afterwards, while the kids were playing, The Firecracker and I went to go pick up some food.

We first stopped by a gardening store because I was looking for more stuff to plant around the pad.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t find anything that I really wanted.

Then we went to the local Asian supermarket.

The Firecracker still finds that kinda stuff interesting, I think.

By the time we got back, we were starving.

The Firecracker really enjoyed my mom’s ribs so when we got back, there was a plate waiting for us.

Sister: I wanted to eat some, but mom said it wasn’t for me, it was for [The Firecracker].
Her: OMG, you should have had some.
Sister: My mom wouldn’t let me!
Me: That sounds like our mom.

We round out the day with my mom showing off her collection of broaches.

If you ever wanna get on Mamma Lo’s good side, get that lady a broach.

She literally wears a different one every single day, God love that woman.

Me: Is that a squirrel?
Firecracker: Yep!
Mom: Obviously, it’s a squirrel, Logan.
Me: (nodding slowly) Obviously.

Location: home all day, nursing my back
Mood: blargh
Music: I need something to wash out the pain (Spotify)
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5 Columbus Circle

Did you know that you have scoliosis?

Do you have any place or time that fills you with dread thinking about it?

For me, it’s 5 Columbus Circle here in Manhattan.

Always walked in with a fully developed sense of reality, only to leave disabused of that reality when I realize that what I think is true, isn’t true at all.

My first – positive, actually – example of this was way back in 2008, when I finally found out after months of waiting that I didn’t have testicular cancer.

Remember walking into that appointment fulla dread, and leaving feeling so light and relieved.

Then came alla the darkness there.

The first was in 2011, where Alison lost the first of six pregnancies.

Each one was awful for me, and soul-crushing for her – two were ectopic that required surgery.

It was not the last with her as she was there several more times.

Then, in 2012, I was told that I probably had a torn ACL there, which was confirmed.

I spent the next two years rehabing it (the picture in that entry is directly outside the building).

Then, in 2014, had another kinda spot of good-ish news when went in and was told that I needed to get a colonoscopy there but that turned out ok as well.

Between 2015 and 2017, Alison went there a number of times for tests and such for her cancer.

None of those experiences were good nor happy.

I hated even being near the place.

Two years ago, I walked in and was told that (a) I had massive bone spurs in my hand, and (b) I’d broken no less than seven of my ten fingers in my life.

And then earlier this week, I walked in after three months of trying to get x-rays and/or an MRI on my back and I was floored.

Like always, I was given a complete shock that shook my sense of self.

 

Her: OK, well you definitely don’t have cancer.
Me: (breathing in deeply) OK, that’s good but it sounds like there’s a “but” about to happen…
Her: (purses lips and nods slightly) Yes, well…did you know that you have scoliosis?
Me: What?! No, wait, I don’t have scoliosis.
Her: I’m afraid you do. Here, let me show you…

And she whipped out the x-rays you see above.

You can see the curve in my spine.

Evidently, I’ve had that my whole life.

BUT, because I’ve been working out my whole life, I never really noticed it – until recently, that is.

Me: Is that why I’m in so much pain? Like a few months ago, I could barely walk down the street when it rained.
Her: Partially. You have a lot of arthritis in your back as well, and you can see in the slide on the right where your disc slipped.
Me: Is there anything that can be done?
Her: Just PT, I’m afraid. The (main doctor) will get you a script for a much higher dose of celebrex than you’re on right now. (later) You have a lot of injuries.
Me: (shrugging) Just clumsy, I guess.

Like I said, I walked in with one sense of what my reality was and left wholly with another one.

At least I don’t have cancer.

That’s always a win, despite all the other discouraging news.

Location: home all day, nursing my back
Mood: blargh
Music: read the signs from your head to your toes (Spotify)
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The Firecracker’s Birthday 2025

Just a nappetizer

Her: I’m going to take a nap.
Me: A NAP?! It’s 6:21PM. How do you fall asleep at night?
Her: (shrugging) It’s never a problem. That’s just a nappetizer.
Me: Oh my god…

It was the Firecracker’s birthday, recently so tonight, we packed up the kids and headed to that Japanese BBQ place around the hood that we like.

Her sister and niece were available, so they joined us, my kid, and the Firecracker’s kid for dinner.

My producer for Scenic Fights essentially told me that I had to lose some weight, so I stuck to protein, fat, and rum and diet cokes all night.

All-in-all, it wasn’t terrible.

The copious amounts of meat swimming in butter didn’t hurt matters.

The kids were, decidedly, not eating keto as they filled up on dumplings…

…and eggrolls, which were all hits with them.

Seeing as my birthday is only a few weeks away, we got to talking about our (somewhat sizable) age difference, and how our childhoods were kinda similar but also, very different.

Me: Let’s do an experiment. Honey, quote that show you showed me on YouTube and see if she can guess it.
Firecracker: She’s gonna know. But ok. (pauses, affects a voice), “I’m so excited!”
Sister: (immediately) Oh, that’s Jessie Spano when she ODed on caffeine pills.
Me: (shakes head) That’s ridiculous. You two are ridiculous.
Sister: You totally missed that era of pop culture, didn’t you?
Me: So, it would seem.

The kids were more focused on their screens and the deep fried oreo cookies that we got for them.

 

Him: This is amazing!
Me: I told you you’d like it.

Everyone was stuffed but I legit coulda eaten another 2-3 plates of food.

But, I figured that I’m supposed to be dieting so I called it as we wrapped up.

Afterwards, we decided to walk the mile home just to work off some of what we just ate.

It was a good evening and everyone was happy, which is all you can hope for.

Me: Did you have a good night?
Her: Were you there?
Me: (laughing) Yup.
Her: Then I had a good night.

Location: 620 Amsterdam Ave, with lots of kids, protein, and drinks
Mood: moderately tipsy
Music: standing ’round this corner, tall enough to touch the New York sky (Spotify)
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Sneak Preview: A Working Man

The Screening Room

One of the perks of doing Scenic Fights is that we get invited to movie premiers and sneak peeks.

My first movie premier was The Killer in 2022, which I saw by my lonesome.

Then I saw Gladiator II with the Firecracker late last year.

Pac was supposed to catch a sneak peak of A Working Man with Jason Statham with his girl, but he couldn’t make it, so I took his spot.

This meant that, last week, after the kids were settled, we snuck off to The Screening Room at the Bryant Park Hotel to catch the film.

I’d been there a buncha times before since it’s close to my office, but never in the theatre.

After waiting in line…

…we made it to the theatre.

It was tiny, but clean and comfortable with large leather seats.

There were, at most, 20 people in the entire audience, which was cool.

While there weren’t mixed drinks nor passed hors d’oeuvres, there was a nice table of drinks and snacks, which was appreciated.

Grabbed some candy for the boys.

Me: It looks like Sylvester Stallone produced this film. Wait, he wrote it too.
Her: Oh, that’s interesting.

All-in-all, it was an ok film.

Pretty much every cliche in every action flick that both Stallone and Stratham were ever in showed up in the film.

Having said that, in terms of mindless fun, it wasn’t bad.

Afterward, we met a family that took the picture of the two of us you see above, in exchange for our taking a picture of them.

Like I always say, it’s nice being tourists in your own city.

Location: my old Kinko’s, asking if they could cut my dad’s book (no, they can’t)
Mood: weary
Music: Been sleepwalking an eternity (Spotify)
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Meathearts

Hearts, but not the chicken kind

Me: Has there ever been a thing I’ve made that you truly disliked?
Her: The chicken hearts.
Me: Was it the flavor, the consistency, or the general thought of them?
Her: Yes

Had to pick something up from someone in my nabe the other day and I laughed when I got to her door.

I live on the upper level of a small building and I’m always telling people to go UPSTAIRS and not DOWNSTAIRS to deliver or pick up anything.

Nine times outta 10, they’ll ignore or miss that information, and I’ll have to come to outside to get them from the downstairs area.

I’m guessing that this lady had something similar with people ringing the wrong doorbell.

The Firecracker is getting used to being with someone that enjoys cooking.

We have this arrangement, similar to mine with Alison, where one person cooks and the other cleans.

It’s been working out well.

Made her some Chinese tomatoes and eggs the other day and she was skeptical, but she and the kids loved it.

On that note, I’ve been watching this channel called Made by Lau, which I use to supplement the recipes that my mom and dad taught me.

Like all home cooks, my parents never had any recipes – they just knew how to make dishes, so the website gives me better measurements and ideas for changes.

Speaking of food, I forgot to mention that the Firecracker got me a heart-shaped box for St. Valentine’s Day last month.

Except – like the previous year – it was fulla dried meats.

Man, that girl knows me so well…

Location: the kitchen, making some killer ribs with her
Mood: stuffed and content
Music: There might be a part of me that I won’t let you keep (Spotify)
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Don’t stop believin’

You did a great job

Remember last year when the kid played Hotel California for his school’s talent show?

Welp, this year, he played a cover of Don’t Stop Believin’.

Thought you might like to hear it.

I’m super proud of him – he did a lot of hard work to prep for it.

While there were alotta talented kids, I honestly thought he did the best job – and I think the organizers did too as he was second to last, before the group skit that ended it all.

His grandmother, Alison’s mom, also came in and sat for three hours watching other acts just to support him.

And the Firecracker came as well.

Three hours is a long time to sit on hard auditorium seats to listen to a buncha kids perform while waiting for your one four-minute act to play.

Firecracker: Man, you owe me – I’ve been to seven of his events and shows.
Me: God, that is so true…

Afterward, I took them all out to eat along with another family that had a kid play in the show.

I think that Alison would be so thrilled with and proud of what her kid can do.

I certainly am.

We couldn’t have asked for a better kid, honestly.

That is also so true.

Him: Did I do a good job?
Me: Nah, kid. You did a great job. Papa’s so proud of you.
Him: Yay!

Location: home, with a sick kid
Mood: busy
Music: Some are born to sing (Spotify)
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Where’s my flying car?

A Skybridge to Nowhere

Him: What is that?
Me: That’s a skybridge. When I was a kid, people thought that – by 2025 – we’d all have flying cars so they would build these bridges between buildings so people could get around easier if we were all flying around. There are still a few left in NYC.

The kid noticed the below skybridge one late night when we were out with the Firecracker just outside Penn Station.

Now we’re on a quest to visit some of them if we can.

From ScoutingNY

Learned how to speed read around middle school.

I’d already read pretty quickly but I read something once that said that the simplest way to speed read is to read with your finger, but for a peculiar reason.

Take the sentence:

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

Most people don’t read it like that, they read it like this:

The quick quick brown fox fox jumped jumped over the the lazy dog dog.

They go back at least one word, sometimes two.

You probably do it too. Try it.

Just read a sentence with your finger and force your finger to constantly move forward.

At first, it’s a bit disconcerting but you get used to it after a few weeks.

That alone should increase your reading speed, significantly.

Nowadays, I probably read normally around 650 words a minute with full comprehension and as much as 750 if I really focus.

Now, I’m not telling you this to brag but to say that I was sitting bed one day watching this clip of Bill Barr commenting on meeting flat earthers.

It allowed me to finally answer the question: Where’s my flying car?

By Mr.choppers – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=152037030

See, I assumed that, by now, I’d be flying around in my car. Instead, we got this monstrosity.

What happened?

I think that humans take two steps forward and one step back.

Constantly.

Like we got rid of the measles.

Because most people have no memories of just how horrific the measles were.

Then fucking morons like RFK Jr come along and say that measles aren’t a big deal because they have no fucking clue.

Then a lotta people die.

Then we gotta figure out the measles again.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

The Arabs were once some of the most brilliant people on the planet, giving us algebra (al-jabr) and the House of Wisdom, among other things.

Then religious zealots took over and burned books and so much knowledge was lost.

Although, to be fair, this happened everywhere: China, England, Nazi Germany, even right here in the good ole US of A.

The US even had one just last year.

That’s why people, particularly the willfully ignorant ones, are such a disappointment to me.

There’s no end to stupid people doing stupid things and other stupid people cheering them on.

Him: Why don’t we have any flying cars, papa?
Me: Because there are so many stupid people in the world, kid. For every two steps forward, we make as a society, we take one step backward.
Him: Awww…a flying car would be cool.
Me: It really would be.

As I was writing this entry, this article just came out about almost all Tesla Cybertrucks needing to be recalled.

You cannot make this stuff up.

Location: The sunny upper west side
Mood: disappointed
Music: Boy, I don’t understand (Spotify)
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St. Paddy’s with Indian and Irish-American food

A weekend of food and trains

ABFF: Hey last min but any chance you guys could do dinner this Fri or Sat?

It’s been a busy week or so for the kid and me – well, it was a busy weekend of food, at least.

We started off by heading to ABFF’s for dinner with her kids, my kid, the Firecracker, and some of the ABFF’s friends.

The adults basically just chatted while the kids were up to something.

We’d been on an Indian kick lately, so we all had that.

A few days later, I made some corned beef and cabbage for St. Paddy’s Day.

Then we went to my SIL to swim at her pad again.

The Firecracker’s kid and my kid had a grand time.

With us taking the light rail…

…and PATH afterward, which both boys got a kick outta.

As for me, I liked the rando artwork everywhere in Jersey City and Hoboken.

Me: Did you have a fun time?
Him: Yes! Can we do it all again next week?
Me: (laughing) It’s not really up to me, but I’m sure we’ll find something fun to do, yeah?
Him: Yeah!

Location: home, working on the garden
Mood: proud of the kid – I’ll tell you why later
Music: She took the midnight train going anywhere (Spotify)
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