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personal

Thanks, Kymberly!

I’ve decided to be happy

Me: I just wanted to say thank you for working with me for this past year.
Therapist: Logan! You think we’ve only been talking for a year? You mentioned looking forward to your date with the Firecracker, and that was at least 20 months ago.
Me: I cannot be trusted with things related to time these days.

I had my first therapy session with my therapist, Kymberly, on 2021.06.03.

She was the third regular therapist I had but the one that I’ve seen the longest and most consistently.

That’s for a buncha reasons: On the practical side, my insurance covered alla it and I could do alla my sessions at home on Zoom.

On the personal side, I knew I needed to talk to a professional, but I suppose that I didn’t realize just how much I needed to talk to one.

The first few sessions were not great as I was pretty belligerent, but she stuck with me and I her.

As time passed, I began to notice that I was less angry – still angry, just less so.

Me: There’s this joke I heard once where a man says to the other, “What would you say if I gave you a million dollars but only on the condition that the person you hate most gets two million?” And the second man replies, “Of course, why wouldn’t I want three million dollars?”
Her: You hate yourself?
Me: More than anyone, sometimes. (thinking) It’s a good joke, though.

Chad once said he felt that I was clinging on to a wrong relationship with a death grip because I’d lost so much already and was loathe to lose anything else.

Think that was the most accurate and sage thing he ever said.

With the passage of time, and Kymberly’s help, I was able to accept my new reality, though.

Me: Losing Alison and my dad was a bit like losing a leg. I know I’ll never be complete again, and I’ll always remember the days when I had them both here as my happiest. I know I can be happy again, I just also know that it won’t be the same because I will never be the same.
Her: But this version of Logan can be happy, can’t he? Maybe not the same as before, different, but still good?
Me: I suppose that’s the hope.

Unfortunately, she’s moving to a different office and one that doesn’t take my insurance. So, we have to part ways, at least for now.

She was a good therapist – and I’m well enough now, a good deal thanks to her, that I’m not in a rush to replace her.

Thanks, doc.

I’m feeling much better now.

Her: I like that analogy of your losing a leg. But, I think you can be happy again. If you’re nicer to yourself.
Me: I’ll try. It’s not easy, but I’m gonna try. I’ll never be happy like I was when Alison and my dad were still alive. But…it’d be nice to be happy again.

Every so often, I’ll hear a song, and it’ll feel as if it was written just for me.

To wit, here’s a song called Decide to be Happy by a band called Misterwives.

There are several lines that I feel I’ve said here myself in some manner or another:

Been feelin’ like a stranger in my body.  I haven’t been myself in a while, I’m sorry.

Got to decide to be happy ‘Cause it don’t always come naturally.

I particularly really like this line:

I’ve been down on my knees, prayin’ things I don’t believe

…because I’ve been on my knees so much since you’ve known me.

You know what?

Here’s the whole song and alla the lyrics – it’s worth a listen, I think.

Music, it saved me
But it drives me crazy
‘Cause it forces my eyes, to take a look and see
Got to decide to be happy
‘Cause it don’t always come naturally
Been feelin’ like a stranger in my body
I haven’t been myself in a while, I’m sorry (I’m sorry)
Got to decide to be happy (happy)
‘Cause it don’t always come naturally

‘Cause flowers, don’t grow without the rain
And goodness, don’t grow without the pain
Flowers, don’t grow without the rain
Goodness, don’t grow without the pain

I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy

My mind, it can be a scary place at times
So I hide under my bed and close all the blinds
And I cry (and I cry)
And I cry (and I cry)
Waste the day away, so I turn on the lights
And I search for a sign or a rhyme or a reason
Why I’m unsteady as the seasons

‘Cause flowers, don’t grow without the rain
And goodness, don’t grow without the pain
Flowers, don’t grow without the rain
Goodness, don’t grow without the pain

I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you’re sad and you know it, well now’s your chance to dance
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you’re sad and you know it, well now’s your chance to dance
Well now’s your chance to dance, now’s your chance to dance
(Now’s your chance to dance, now’s your chance to dance)

I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy

Location: not where you might expect; a tiny room with the kid practically on top of me
Mood: soooooooooo sick – you would not believe how sick I am
Music: I decide to be happy (Spotify)
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SAFE on a rooftop

She and her granny cart

Me: Why don’t I just carry everything, so we don’t have to bring your granny cart?
Her: I LOVE my granny cart! Besides, how are you gonna carry everything.
Me: Hold on. (thinking) If I have seven cans of oil-based paint, and a gallon of oil weights approximately 7 pounds, that means I’m carrying around 50 pounds. (sighing) Fiiiine, bring your granny cart.
Her: You’re gonna be so happy I brought it when you realize how much we’re gonna be carrying.

The Firecracker proudly using her granny cart to haul away a hoverboard and a buncha paint cans.

The first time I went to the Firecracker’s pad, I asked her why she had a vacuum cleaner and a kid’s hoverboard in her bedroom.

Her: They both have batteries in them that I have to wait until the city will take them.
Me: How long have you been holding onto them?
Her: A year?

I understood.

I’ve had paint and tar in my basement for at least the last 25 years and some were there when I moved in, meaning that two or three cans were like 35 years old.

We kept waiting for the next NYC SAFE (Solvents, Automotive, Flammables, and Electronics) Disposal event – something usually came up each time, so she was closing in on three years of holding onto the hoverboard and vacuum.

This is what the SAFE Event looked like.

This latest one was right by my gym BUT we were filming on the day of it, and I had to carry a whole boatload of costumes down from my pad for it, so we figured we’d miss this one too.

That is, until I got whacked in the face by my buddy Prin.

Her: Hey, we can go to the SAFE Event now!
Me: OMG, you’re right!
Her: See! Always look on the bright side.

So, we packed up her granny cart and headed downtown to do just that.

That was pretty quick, so we hit up a clothing store as the Firecracker needed some new gear.

Afterward, I rang up my buddy Ricky – as we were near his pad – and he said he was actually in a cafe just around the block from where we were.

We ended up walking over to his pad and chilling out on his gorgeous rooftop deck.

I brought some pork rinds, and he brought a bottle of sweet Moscato.

Honestly, I’m not sure life in NYC gets better than this.

Me: That’s what we like the most, random cool meetup with friends.
Her: Especially friends with roof decks!
Him: (laughing) Well, I’m glad you called then.

Location: this morning, an early ferry to Red Hook with the fam
Mood: excited
Music: You and me is more than a hundred miles (Spotify)
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Saying goodbye to summer

With the help of Mr. Softie

Honestly don’t know why anyone reads this here blog as it’s so…boring.

To wit, I’ve recently been entertained that all 12 eggs in a single carton of eggs has given me double yolks every single time.

And these were just normal/typical eggs from Trader Joe’s.

This is what counts as high excitement in the Lo household these days.

Him: What’s the equinox?
Me: It’s when the sun crosses the equator and day, and night are pretty much exactly equal in length. For our purposes, though, it’s the end of summer and winter and the start of fall and spring.

The kid’s been getting used to his new school and afterschool life.

I did, however promise him ice cream from the ice cream truck.

I also got one for the Firecracker just so she didn’t feel left out…and so she knew what a proper ice cream truck was/is.

Plus, ice cream trucks have been struggling lately so I figure it’s good to support them while we can.

In NYC, Mr. Softie has always been a mainstay – it’d be a shame if they didn’t make it.

The Firecracker was happy to get her own cone, which was a basic soft-serve vanilla.

That’s one thing we both share in common – a love of the simple things in life like ice cream from an ice cream truck and drinking wine on a city stoop.

Me: I’m really looking forward to that Chinese food.
Firecracker: I’m really looking forward to this – sitting on a city stoop drinking wine with my favourite person.
Me: Screw you, I’m here.
Her: Well, two outta three ain’t bad.

Well, that and finding a carton fulla double-yolk eggs…

Me: Is it lame to write about eggs?
Her: Hmm, well, you could reference rebirth and new beginnings?
Me: Nah, I’m just gonna write about double yolk eggs and see how that goes.
Her: Well, I think it’s cool.
Me: And that’s why we’re together.

Location: the kid’s gym, watching him try to do a double-leg. It’s a process…
Mood: ueber productive
Music: It feels like letting go. Oh, it smells like summer (Spotify)
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Logan with a ‘stache

Tom Sellecking my way through life

Firecracker: Someone at work thought I just graduated from high school.
Me: High school?! That was a really, really, really long time ago.
Her: (icily) One “really” is sufficient, Logan.
Me: (nodding) Noted.

The Firecracker’s been coming with me to kali class here and there.

She’s never done any type of martial art before so it’s a whole new world for her.

But the fact that the Frenchman and his wife go, and the people are so nice, she fell right into it.

Unfortunately, because of my herniated disk and because my wrist is still bothering me, I’ve only been able to do it at far less than maximum ability.

A few weeks back, we started up with some sparring, which I had to do with my left hand because my right wrist was so bad.

This week, my back was still rough but my wrist felt better so I took a chance and sparred.

That was a mistake.

My buddy Prin – who’s also a doctor – got a clean hit right in my face.

The Firecracker, who has never seen this level of violence close up, was pretty worried about me.

However, since I’ve had:

    • two broken ribs
    • at least seven broken fingers
    • at least four cracked teeth
    • a torn ACL replaced with a cadaver ACL
    • herniated disk
    • countless cuts and wounds

This was pretty much another day in the gym.

Except…

Firecracker: But you have a Scenic Fights shoot in two days on Sunday.
Me: Oh, shit!
Boy: Daddy!

OK, that part wasn’t good.

My producer ended up cancelling alla my shoots for that day, which I felt terrible about, so I tried to think of ways to make it up to him.

But that’s a completely different story altogether.

Prin also felt terrible, but it really wasn’t his fault as I had a herniated disk and messed up wrist still so I shoulda just said no to sparring.

I keep forgetting that I’m 51.

On a related note, I spent the next few days trying to keep the cut clean and not get infected.

To this end, I’ve been rocking a Magnum PI porno ‘stache.

Not everyone is a fan.

Firecracker: (laughing hysterically) I can’t…I can’t…
Me: (sniffing) Your jealousy is palpable.
Her: (continues to laugh uncontrollably) I can’t breathe…

Location: back at the gym for the first time in a week
Mood: Tom Selleck-y
Music: I’ve caught all the scars and turned them into stars (Spotify)
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She didn’t come this far…

…to only go this far

Speaking of advice, a friend asked me to go with her to court to help her with a case she was involved in.

Well, a case she had to restart because of things way outta her control.

I’m not a court attorney but I know enough to at least tell her where to go and what to say.

We all need help finding our way, sometimes.

It’s good to have a friend during those times.

To this end, we went down to the courthouse the other day.

Me: I used to come here with my buddy Steele when we were both clerking for the same judge.
Her: That was a while ago.
Me: A lifetime ago, really.

The building directly in the center of the main picture is where Alison and I got married.

Now that feels like several lifetimes ago.

Going to court in NYC is a bit like going on a scavenger hunt, because, invariably, you gotta go to several different offices and speak with different people to get anything done.

While she didn’t get to accomplish everything that she intended that day, she got a bit closer to her ultimate goal, which is always a positive.

Afterward, we walked over to Chinatown to get some lunch – Taiwanese food over at Taiwan Pork Chop House.

Her: I never realized how close the courts are to Chinatown.
Me: That’s why there are so many lawyers that have lunch there.

Along the way, ran into not one but two Scenic Fights fans.

The first one was on the train ride down there.

Him: Excuse me, but do I know you? You look super familiar.
Me: Do you watch Scenic Fights?
Him: Yes!

The second was after we were done with court and went to Chinatown to get food.

Stuart: I love Scenic Fights!
Me: OMG, will you take a picture with me?
Him: Sure!

In the end, my friend didn’t get everything done that she wanted to get done, but it was a (good) start.

Court stuff is difficult, for sure.

But all difficult things are overcome, as long as you start – it’s the starting that usually the hardest part.

Her: Thanks for coming.
Me: Happy to help, although I’m not sure I did much.
Her: You did – we have a contact now and a plan.
Me: That’s more than you had before.
Her: Absolutely.

She didn’t come this far to only go this far.

Location: earlier today, a rooftop with Ricky and the Firecracker
Mood: fatty-fat-fat
Music: Knee deep in a muddy trench (Spotify)
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Free advice seems to be worth it

There’s your answer

Me: I dunno, man.
Him: Well, what would you do here?
Me: (sighing) That’s the thing, I guess. She’s controlling you right now. If nuthin else, I wouldn’t allow that. I can’t allow myself to be controlled by another person unless I wanted to be controlled. And I don’t think you wanna be controlled, do you?

There’s this small coffee shop a few blocks south of me that I used to go to when I did my dry cleaning as my dry cleaner was just next door.

The coffeeshop was a tiny joint but my dry cleaners lost their lease (boo!) but that meant that the cafe could take over that space and expand (yay!).

Lately, I’ve been meeting people there for coffee and meetings since it’s so much nicer now.

Now, the reason I’ve been going there – besides occasional visits with neighbors and my buddy the Pastor – is because, for some reason, people keep asking me for advice.

Personally, I only like to give advice when I’m 100% sure about something.

Like, I tell people to try to drink as much green tea as possible because of all of its document health benefits.

Other things, though, I’m less certain of, ergo, I’m hesitant to offer any advice.

Like, there are no less than three people I know of that are going through divorces.

As a lawyer, I know little to nuthin about the topic, but I started doing some research to try and help them here and there.

I think it’s more dangerous to give advice when you have no idea what you’re talking about than to say, “Sorry, man, I don’t know anything about the topic, I wish I could help.”

But they’re in a pickle so I try to help however I can.

My old buddy Johnny – who got a divorce himself decades ago and took none of my advice – used to drive me crazy by always offering advice on topics he had zero background in.

He was probably my third wealthiest friend, so I think that wild success makes people think that they’re qualified to give advice in all fields rather than the one that they actually are qualified in.

That’s one of a million reasons I decided to stop being friends with him.

Getting back to my friends, some of them insist that I give them some opinion, so I do when pressed.

But I wonder if I’m truly helping or harming sometimes.

Then again, free advice is probably worth what you’re paying for it.

Him: Fuck no.
Me: (shrugging) Well, then there’s your answer then.

Location: this here coffeeshop
Mood: puzzled
Music: There’s a stain on my notebook where your coffee cup was (Spotify)
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It was glorious

Just glorious

With alla the changes around here, the Firecracker noted that my curtains were looking a bit worn.

Alison had put them in, so they held some sentimental value for me. But I also realized that Alison was a pretty unsentimental person when it came to home economics.

Like, she definitely woulda tossed these a while ago if she were here so I relented and we took them down and the Firecracker hemmed some new ones in navy blue.

I like that she’s leaving her mark here in my world.

Afterward, we went off to see ABFF.

Her: Hey how are you guys? Let me know if a dinner could work for you guys this coming Sat?
Me: Yup! Gyros? Fried Chix? Sushi? We just did pizza so maybe not that unless they’re dying for that?
Her: They are telling me anything.
Me: Halal guys?!
Her: Looks good.

So, I packed everyone up and we went to see them.

On the way there to Halal Guys, I passed by a Popeyes.

Me: Man, I also want a chicken sammie.
Her: I can get that while you get gyros so you can have both.
Me: You’re the best, thanks!

We did just that.

It was nice seeing all the kids together again – they’d not seen each other since May or so I think.

The ABFF’s kids are super artistic; below is a balloon that one of them (or one of their friends, I’m not sure) drew of an elderly politician.

Son: Can I stay over and have a sleepover?
Me: I dunno, you don’t have any clothes and…
ABFF: He can if you’re ok with it.
Him: CAN I?!
Me: (laughing) As long as she’s ok with it, you can.

So, the kid stayed over (her kid was with his dad) and the Firecracker and I went home, bellies full, and did what all parents secretly wanna do when the kids are away…we crashed.

We crashed hard and fast, and it was glorious.

Glorious.

Location: earlier tonight, my kid’s classroom, appreciating the air conditioning
Mood: hungry
Music: The crib looking Victorian (Oh, yes, it is) You know that we been going in (Spotify)
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Garbage disposals in NYC

Finally installed one for myself

My brother has a garbage disposal and I always thought it was the coolest thing.

Dump alla your organic waste into it, it turns it into slush, and goes out into the environment where it reenters the food chain.

Win for the environment and win for homeowners/ tenants.

Now, while they were created in 1927, they were banned in NYC until 1997 for a variety of reasons.

Even now, they’re pretty rare because people just got used to going without.

However, the rats in NYC may change alla that.

See, Mayor Adams is convinced that the garbage – fulla food – laying around for hours overnight in plastic bags is helping the insane surge in rats in NYC.

I think he may be onto something.

One of his major plans are to deal with the obscene garbage situation in the city by:

    1. Standardizing garbage cans for everyone in the whole city – so everyone has to get cans that look like the ones below with a lid on them.
    2. Making everyone separate out their compostable materials.

Alla this by October 6th, 2024.

This means that I was looking into having this monstrosity in my tiny little NYC apartment.

I’d been thinking about having a garbage disposal installed since 2000, but life got in the way.

But two weeks ago, I had an electrician install an outlet under my sink and I picked up the Frigidaire 1.25 HP Corded Garbage Disposal (FF13DISPC1) for Wally to install while he was waiting for the paint to dry on the other project.

He’d never done one before but was game to tackle it.

Unfortunately, my sink was easily 40 years old, so the drain was rusted tight.

Took us two hours just to be able to remove it, which we did with a specialized tool.

Him: Man, once we had the right tool, it came right out.
Me: I remember my buddy Buckley telling me once that nothing’s ever an issue if you have the right tool.

Since this was the first time he’d ever installed one, lots of things went wrong.

Like this arm was the wrong size and leaked everywhere.

Wally planned to be here to paint and install it for about four-to-five hours but ended up staying 10 hours and had to return two days later to finally fix everything.

BUT, I have a garbage disposal now in NYC!

I think I’m gonna start running tours to show it off with a reasonable $5 admission ticket.

I’ll let you know when I roll that out.

In the meanwhile, here’s a quick time-lapse video I shot of it in action.

It’s 1.25 horsepower, which is about 5X the power of an average garbage disposal, so it chews through most anything but I’m just using fruit peels and eggshells to keep the gross factor to a minimum.

If you don’t have one, definitely consider installing one!

Location: a NYC pad WITH garbage disposal and freshly painted doors and gates
Mood: accomplished
Music: I will try to fix you (Spotify)
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One of the more annoying

But wait…there’s more

Holy. Cow.

Man, did I have an annoying past coupla days – where to begin?

I have a metal gate, which leads to two blue metal doors that then lead to my apartment.

Used to paint them every few years but the last time I painted them was a decade ago in 2014 for reasons I’m sure you can guess.

All three were getting pretty worn and rusty so, I decided to paint them with the help of my buddy Wally.

He actually did the heavy lifting and took off the rust and some of the flaking paint and we both painted.

Initially, I just wanted to paint the clearly rusted and chipped areas.

To this end, I got paint mixed that matched the paint on my doors and gate.

This isn’t my pad, it was actually Teddy Roosevelt’s but that’s essentially the same as my pad.

Unfortunately, because of sunlight hitting different areas of the doors and gates, the colours were all off.

It looked worse after painting because all the colours were all slightly off – so then we had to paint EVERYTHING.

So, the small project went from two hours to…four days.

The Firecracker ended up having to help out for several hours across two days.

It gets worse though.

Teddy’s pad again – you can visit yourself when you come to NYC by heading to 28 East 20th Street, NYC.

While painting the gate, I had to remove the lock and I found out that two screws rusted through, which meant that that I had to manually remove them with pliers.

That took over an hour as I went a 1/4 turn each time for these 3.5 inch screws.

Then, when I brought them to the hardware store, the guy told me.

Him: Those are specialized screws. We don’t carry them here; you gotta go to a locksmith.
Me: Goddammit.

So, off I went to find one but then he said.

Him: We don’t have these screws, you have to buy the whole lock again.
Me: Goddammit! How much is that?
Him: $80.
Me: Jesus Christ!

Ended up buying it online for $45. For two screws.

It took two days to get to me, so we had to find different – and novel – ways to lock the gate for those two nights.

Because I was worried about the kid, didn’t sleep a wink.

Not my apartment nor my gate – just a pic of a street in NYC. But that is the type of garbage cans we’re required to have moving forward.

But wait…there’s more!

In the middle of alla this, Wally tried to install a garbage disposal for me AND – because I run the building – I also had to replace alla the garbage cans for the building.

Welp, the replacement garbage cans never arrived and Wally didn’t get it all right the first time (which is no real fault of his own) which meant that we ended up getting water everywhere and had to dismantle the whole thing.

The garbage and garbage disposal are much more involved stories, which I’ll save for the next entry, but it meant that for three days:

    • I had no locks on my door.
    • No working kitchen sink.
      • This meant that the kid and I had to eat out for every single meal for two days.
    • Paint and plumbing supplies everywhere.
    • Garbage and garbage bags everywhere.
    • No garbage cans for myself or anyone in my building.

To say that I was irritated is the same as saying that water’s wet.

I’ll wrap this up in the next entry.

I need a drink.

Location: early this morning, the courthouse, telling someone she’s an awful person for cutting the line
Mood: So. Irritated. Man.
Music: gonna build castles from the rubble (Spotify)
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It all worked out

Managing the world

Like I said, the kid started school the other day.

Him: (the morning of) I’m a little scared.
Me: Makes sense. But you’re always a little concerned about your first day of school and it’s always worked out ok, hasn’t it?
Him: I guess so?
Me: (6.5 hours later) How was it?
Him: Great! My teacher is the nicest teacher, ever!
Me: Ever?! Well, high praise. See, it all worked out.

The rest of it is his story to tell and he’s getting older so I’ll stop here.

But, because he was in school, I was able to dash down to midtown to grab lunch with the NFL Player and my buddy Thor.

Waitress: What would you like to drink?
Me: Seeing it’s the middle of the day, how about a White Russian?
Him: Sensible.

It was nice seeing the fellas, whom I see a lot less these days, now that I’ve switched gyms.

Thor: I got this one.
Me: Dammit, I shoulda ordered more alcohol.

Hopped the train back to the UWS with the NFL player and we caught up – he’s been doing really well at his gym and I, mine.

Also spoke to Thor a few days later as he had an issue that was troubling him but turned out to be just fine.

Him: Thanks good news on [that] front; [its] too long to put in text but main thing is that I’m ok!
Me: YES! Here’s to good news whereever we find it.
Him: Thanks for checking in Logan it means a lot man.
Me: After all we’ve been through now? Of course!

The world’s a lot more manageable with good friends that are also good souls.

Location: earlier today, with the kid pushing a safe down Broadway
Mood: busy, busy, busy
Music: I’m up all night, howlin’ at you – tables have turned (Spotify)
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