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personal

Alison would have been 46

I’m able to pay, for now

A little while ago, the Professor dropped me a line.

Him: If you’ve seen the HBO series Westworld there’s a line where a female robot is about to get her mind wiped again – to spare her from feeling the pain of her child s death – and she cries out “Please, no – the pain is all I have left.” I thought that line was quite powerful.
Me: (sighing) Yeah. Thinking of Alison and my dad is always painful but it’s better than not feeling anything at all, I think. Sometimes, I think differently, but for now, I agree.

There was also a NY Times Article that my brother sent me that had a subtitle that read, If grief is the price of love, I am unable to pay.

For now, I’m able to pay it.

But, early on, I thought paying it would kill me.

As I age, it’s a bit less painful.

Time just dulls everything.

Yet, when I do feel it, man do I feel it.

But I’d much rather feel it than forget her.

Because pain is the price we pay for love.

And pain is all I have left of her.

Well, her and the boy.

Him: I wish I knew her better.
Me: Me too, kiddo. You woulda loved her.
Him: And she woulda loved me?
Me: Oh, kiddo, she absolutely did. And she’d be so thrilled with the person you’re becoming.

Location: 2017, at least, in my head
Mood: complicated
Music: don’t look back from a hurt like that (Spotify)
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Glazed with rain

They were delicious

Speaking of poems, the Firecracker and I discussed our favourite ones, and we discovered something…

Her: My favorite poem is, This Is Just To Say.
Me: Mine is Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams.
Her: That’s who wrote This is Just To Say!
Me: What a coincidence!

You would be surprised at the regularity that she and I have exchanges like that – a “Wait, me too” kinda moment.

And I told you once that that’s the basis of all good relationships, romantic or otherwise – a shared sense of the world.

And we still share things in the world.

Me: What would you do there?
Her: At Arizona Tom’s? Two step with older guys so they’d buy me a drink.
Me: Kinda like what you’re doing now?
Her: Nothing’s changed.

Poetry aside, it’s not like the Firecracker and I see eye-to-eye on everything, English related…

Me: I think the next thing they’ll try to get rid of will be Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fire…
Her: Wait, did you just say “Ta-bock-oh?” Like “Chewbacca?”
Me: What?
Her: You just said, Alcohol, Ta-bock-oh, and Firearms. It’s Alcohol, Tuh-back-oh, and Firearms.
Me: Well, that’s just ridiculous.

 

This Is Just To Say
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

The Red Wheelbarrow
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens

 

Location: home, worried about the weekend
Mood: concerned
Music: I got sunshine even when it’s pouring rain (Spotify)
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Something about Mary (Elizabeth Sawyer)

Feeling it acutely

This little girl named Mary Elizabeth Sawyer was born in 1806 and she led a fairly unremarkable life except for two things:

    1. She had a little lamb, whose fleece was white – as white as snow, in fact. And this little lamb followed Mary everywhere.
    2. Her friend, John Roulstone, upon seeing this, was so amused, he wrote her a poem about it.
Image via Art and Picture Collection, The New York Public Library.

The poem went:

Mary had a little lamb;
Its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rule;
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school.

And so the teacher turned it out;
But still it lingered near,
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear.

There’s some question as to the validity of all this, but I like to believe it.

See, almost everyone in America has heard about Mary, knew her situation, and remembered her little lamb that she loved so much, and that loved her so much.

But I’m struck that everyone forgot that Mary was a real person, with all her hopes and dreams, and people – and animals – that loved her deeply.

Even if the poem wasn’t actually Mary Elizabeth Sawyer, the hope is that Mary was a real person, and this was a real thing.

This coming week will be both Alison’s birthday and Mother’s Day.

Again and like always.

And the anniversary of her death is coming up as well.

Every May I struggle with the void that she left after she died.

As hard as that is, it’s even harder for the kid, who – year-after-year – feels the loss a touch more acutely than the previous year.

Moreover, I worry that she’ll just be a distant idea to him, like Mary.

Like, I picture her in my head like the picture above while I think that my son pictures her like the blurry main picture of this entry.

It’s her but it’s…blurry.

Then again, it’s always good to be remembered in some positive way.

Whether that be in a children’s rhyme or a blog that almost no one reads.

I’ll probably write more later, but I just wanted you to know that the Lo household was thinking about her this May, like we do every May.

And like I always do.

Him: Papa! Did you know that there’s a country called Burkina Faso? Isn’t that a cool name?
Me: It is! Did you know that mommy used to go there all the time?
Him: She did? Why?
Me: She worked for a place called Helen Keller and was always trying to help people. That’s one of the things that I always loved about her. She was always trying to help people – she was such a good person, kiddo. Maybe, when you grow up, you can help people like she did.
Him: I will!
Me: (nodding) She’d love that. She would have loved that. And you.

Location: home, worried about the weekend
Mood: concerned
Music: A few years had gone and come around (Spotify)
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I was born before…

…a lot of major historical events

With the warming weather, the Firecracker and I hit up TikiChick for drinks and their killer chix sammies recently but the place was packed, so we just ordered three chix to go.

We went to another of our fave dive bars, Jake’s Dilemma, and realized they only gave us two, so I had to head back to get the missing one.

The lady there was so apologetic that she gave us three freshly made ones that were hot, so we had five total.

I may or may not have eaten alla them.

Told the kid recently that I was born before Google. He was floored.

So, that got the Firecracker and me to talking.

Me: I was born before all websites.
Her: I was born before mp3s.
Me: I was born before the Metrocard.
Her: I was born before streaming shows
Me: I was born before flat screen TVs.
Her: I was born before mobile phones.
Me: I was born before the Russian Federation.
Her: I was born before The Backstreet Boys.
Me: I was born before the third brakelight was a thing, man that was stupidly controversial as a kid.
Her: I was born before wifi.
Me: I was born before the Euro.
Her: I was born before the Czech Republic.
Me: I was born before the UFC.
Her: I was born before the Berlin Wall fell.
Me: I was born before the Challenger explosion.
Her: Oh, I was not!

The above is the first commercial for a flat-screen TV.

I believe that it’s at least $20,000 if adjusted for today’s dollars.

It was released in 1998, when I was still working at Cnet and I remember (a) this commercial and (b) speaking to LG about their plans to make their own flat screen TVs.

Crazy, alla these things were years/decades ago, and yet, they feel like just a few years ago to me.

Me: I was born before Diet Coke.
Her: WHAT?! When did it come out?
Me: Early 80s? The only real option before that was Tab. (thinking) Wait, *THAT’S* where you draw the line at my age?!
Her: (shakes head) I cannot believe you’re so old…

Not my pic – this is the original can of diet coke that someone is trying to sell for $425.

Location: home, with an impromptu kid’s pizza party
Mood: achy
Music: I know we’ve changed but change can be so good (Spotify)
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Pilate washed his hands

All the sinners, saints

Easter just passed, not too long ago.

While I’m now a devout atheist, you’d probably be surprised to know I was once deeply religious.

Interestingly, it was my repeated reading of the bible that really started me onto the path of being an atheist.

It’s not so much alla the insanely fucked up things the bible does and says, so much as the inconsistencies and repeated illogical situations that make me no believe.

But that’s neither here nor there.

On the topic of Easter, the story goes that Pilate didn’t kill Jesus, despite being the highest legal authority in the area.

Rather, he merely stepped aside so others could do it and he could have clean hands, literally, as he washed his hands of the entire affair (Matthew 27:24).

The best interpretation of this event, IMHO, comes from my fave Rolling Stones song, Sympathy for the Devil – I’ve mentioned it here more than once.

There’s a line that goes:

I was ’round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Strictly speaking, it’s unclear whose fate was sealed by this action:

    • Yes, Pilate sealed Jesus’s fate by not doing anything; he effectively made it so that the mob was able to have Jesus killed for standing up to the wealthy class.
    • But Pilate also sealed his own fate as well, once he let an innocent man die for doing the right thing, he was forever damned. Because he knew he was letting an innocent man die and no amount of hand washing could clean his hands of the stain.

The wealthiest in America are on track to kill off:

    • Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion – these are somehow bad things and bad words now.
    • USAID
    • Medicaid
    • Social Security
    • Education
    • etc.

And, it seems, we’ve sealed their fates, the fates of hundreds of thousands of people – and our own – by doing nothing.

Every time I think I can’t be any more disappointed in the world, I’m proven wrong yet again.

Location: Home Depot, picking up bullnose tiles
Mood: disappointed
Music: after all it was you and me (Spotify)
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Sneak Preview: Thunderbolts*

The Bay…of Kips

Me: Dude – I got invited to a sneak peak for Thunderbolts for next Tuesday at 7PM. The Firecracker can’t make it; interested? Kips Bay at 7PM.
Him: Oh yeah can totally make it. Thanks for the invite!

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know I’m not really a movie theatre person.

But being part of Scenic Fights means that I get invited to showings all the time now.

Last week, I got to catch a sneak preview of the new Marvel flick, Thunderbolts* and, I gotta say, it was so entertaining.

Honestly, after Endgame, I’ve not really been all that interested in the Marvel offerings.

But this was free, and I like the Red Guardian and the Winter Soldier, so I went.

The Firecracker couldn’t make it, so I invited the Frenchman, who was happy to come.

It was playing at the movie theatre at a place called “Kips Bay,” on the East Side of Manhattan.

I have so many fond memories of that neighborhood because I used to visit my brother alla time when he was in med school and I was in college.

One of my favourite cuisines is Indian food and I still remember so clearly, my brother bringing me to a restaurant in Kips Bay where I had it for the first time.

Cannot believe that was – holy shitballs – 34 years ago.

Goddamn…

I digress.

The Frenchman was already queuing when I arrived.

I went ahead of him and managed to bypass the line – which you can see in the pic above was substantial – and float us in.

I went to wait in line to get some snacki-snacks but it turns out that I didn’t have to, as there was unlimited popcorn and unlimited drinks for us.

The movie itself was excellent, I gotta say.

Probably one of the more entertaining movies I’ve seen courtesy of Scenic Fights.

It was over two hours long, but the movie just sped by because it was so well-written.

I particularly liked that it touched upon mental health, which is a topic very near and dear to me – and it did it with class and heart, something very surprising for a comic book action flick.

If you get a chance, I would definitely see it.

Afterward, I dashed back home to spend a little time with the kid…

Him: (sleepily) You’re home. Did you like it?
Me: (quietly) It was good. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow, ok, kiddo?
Him: (nodding) Ok, papa…night…

…and the Firecracker.

Her: How was it?
Me: Really good, actually. But I wanted to spend a little time with you.
Her: (smiles) Great.
Me: Made it home in less than 20 minutes!
Her: Even better!

Location: the gym, getting demolished
Mood: so tired
Music: don’t know where my path will lead, but I’ll follow my feet (Spotify)
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Building up the opposition

Letter vs Spirit

When I was a kid, I loved the Support your local… films  with Support your Local Sheriff as my favourite of the two.

There’s a scene where an old crook named Pa Danby is trying to bust his middle-aged son Joe Danby outta jail.

Couldn’t find that scene but the above scene is before the bars are put in.

After the bars are installed, the dad tries to yank them out with Joe’s brothers and three horses, but the men are all flung from their horses and the bars don’t budge.

Joe: I could’ve told you it wouldn’t work.
Pa: Why not?
Joe: Because they set these bars in too solid.
Pa: What do you know about anything?
Joe: I helped to set ’em in.
Pa: You helped ’em put in those bars?!
Joe: I didn’t have nothin’ else to do.

Hold that thought.

Did you know that Jefferson Davis was the Secretary of War for the US right before he became the President of the Confederate States?

He built up and – vastly – improved the very army that he would face himself.

[Davis] suggested that the size of the regular army was too small and that its salaries were too meagre. Congress agreed and authorized four new regiments and increased its pay scale. He ended the manufacture of smoothbore muskets and shifted production to rifles, working to develop the tactics that accompany them. Id.

Been thinking about that fact and Support your Local Sheriff a lot lately because the kid and I’ve been arguing a lot lately.

He pushes back with me on a ton of things.

Me: You were supposed to call me.
Him: But you said call when I get out of school, you didn’t say right when I got out.
Me: True, but the point of your calling me was so I would know when to pick you up.

And I realize that it’s a delicate balance with having him be independent but also compliant – two wholly incompatible but necessary things to successfully function in society.

Balancing it properly leads me to no end of stress and us to no end of disagreements.

But this is my job, so I do it.

After all, my dad did it for me – and I’m sure he regretted teaching me to challenge everything.

Unlike Jefferson Davis, however, I’m fully aware that however I train him to behave, I’m gonna have to deal with myself, one way or another.

Because it’s the destiny of all fathers and sons to be adversarial on some things down the line, no matter how much we support and care for one another.

That’s just how things are.

But I’ll always be on his side, whether he realizes it or not.

Here’s hoping that I’m doing it right.

Him: You didn’t say that! You just said to call you after school.
Me: (sighing) Fine. But the next thing we gotta chat about is the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law…

Not looking forward to the teenage years.

Location: My incredibly dusty room sans bathroom
Mood: beat tired
Music: you start me up before breakfast – how about we fight fire with fire? (Spotify)
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A trip to Kalahari

Oh, and a break-in

Was in bed the other night when I pulled up the cameras to just make sure the building was ok when I noticed someone looking very outta place.

Getting dressed, I went outside to catch this small woman – with this weird huge hat – taking out our vacuum.

We’d actually had two vacuums stolen in the past.

Me: Hey, can I ask why you have our vacuum?
Her: (gibberish)
Me: Not sure what any of that means. I’m gonna have to call the police.

I started to call when she took off running.

It was already midnight, and I wasn’t in the mood to give chase, so I just brought the vacuum back, made a round through the building to make sure she didn’t get into a unit, before finally crashed.

NYC always has something going on.

Barely got any sleep and the next day, we all took a trip to the Kalahari water park in Pennsylvania.

The kid was with my in-laws for Spring Break so we ended up meeting them at a Lowe’s parking lot convenient to everyone.

Soon, we arrived…

…the Firecracker got all the tix and such while I was the pack horse carrying alla the luggage.

It was ENORMOUS.

The kids had a blast.

And the food was markedly better than that at Great Wolf Lodge, the other water park we went to.

Although the kids still ate crap.

Of course.

Speaking of the Great Wolf Lodge, the main pic is actually from our trip to last time around, but the Firecracker wasn’t comfortable with letting people see her face just yet.

That, plus I didn’t get any good shots of us this time around.

Oh, like last time, we met up with the Surgeon and his family and friends there.

Everybody had a grand time.

We stayed the night… …which meant that the kids got a second chance to play the next day before we headed home.

Me: So, what do you think, was that a nice surprise?
Him: Yes! Can we come again?
Firecracker’s kid: Yeah! Next time, we can stay for the whole weekend.
Me: Only if you’re paying, kid.
Firecracker: Yeah, this isn’t something we can do all the time.

When I was their ages, we never had the money for stuff like this.

I’m glad that I can give the kid something fun to remember.

Think that’s all any parent really wants from a trip like this – something fun to remember and an experience we didn’t get to have ourselves when we were their ages.

Location: inhaling a ton of dust in my pad
Mood: dusty
Music: Gonna take some time to do the things we never had (Spotify)
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Making changes around here

The key participle

During the time between the Firecracker’s birthday and my own, I let myself have one piece of dessert, an absolutely killer paleo muffin/naked cupcake by my sister.

Whenever I go see her, she’s always nice enough to give me one of her baked goods – which are invariably awesome – and I knew I’d be having this for my birthday.

This is where I am, excitement-wise, right now.

Electrician: You want me to just wire it up or wire it up and install it?
Me: Wait, you can install this?
Him: (looking puzzled) Yeah. Why not?
Me: Well, alright!

Continuing the spring cleaning around here, I’m making a ton of changes to my back bathroom.

That bathroom had this super dark, brass – instead of silver – backed mirror that just about everyone who sees thinks is cool looking but wholly impractical.

Alison always hated it, and the Firecracker was never a fan.

Had meant to replace it for decades but never did.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I ordered a lighted LED mirror to replace it and was planning on having an electrician do the wiring and a general contractor/handyman install the mirror itself.

But he and his partner were able to both hook it up and install it.

Once things are settled, I’ll take a pic of the new mirror for you to see.

Making a lotta changes around here. I’ll put up pics when we’re done but my bathroom will (hopefully) look quite different soon(ish).

I moved into my building close to 30 years ago, which blows the mind.

Then, in 2004, my college buddy Buckley and I bought my pad and one of the first things we had to get was a shower rod.

That’s the one we installed some 21 years ago; it did its job all these years without issue.

Tossing it, finally.

It’s weird. It’s just an inanimate object that served a function.

Yet I hate change and like things to always stay status quo. Tossing it was more difficult than you might imagine.

But I’m trying my best to recognize that change is inevitable and it’s always better to accept change than fight it.

“Trying,” being the key participle here.

Location: listening to hammers in my back bathroom
Mood: trying to accept it
Music: love to go back to when we played as kids but things changed, that’s the way it is (Spotify)
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Logan’s 52

Looking down the ladder

Him: Sometimes it feels like everyone’s doing so much better than me.
Me: That’s cause you’re spending alla your time looking up the ladder at everyone that has more than you. You need look down every once in a while and see how much more you have than the rest of the world. 

This fella once said, We are what and where we are because we have first imagined it.

    • Living in Queens, there was once a time I dreamed of living in Manhattan.
    • Growing up as a fat kid, there was once a time I dreamed of being physically fit.
    • Being bullied throughout childhood, there was once a time I dreamed of living knowing how to fight.
    • Being a friendless kid as well, there was once a time I dreamed of having friends.
    • Being a fat, clumsy, nerdy, dude, there was once a time I thought I’d never be with a beautiful intelligent woman.
    • After struggling for years to have a kid, there was once a time I woulda given anything to have my son.
    • And I never imagined that I’d be part of a creative team that’s close to hitting a million followers…le wha?

I’ve found a lotta peace in my noisy brain these past few months because I’ve really been focusing on two things:

    1. That quote above where I realize that everything I have right now is stuff I once dreamed to have and then spent years struggling to get.
    2. Instead of being upset that I’m so far away from my next/latest dream, I’m realizing that I’m actually right in the middle of living the last dream I had.

I’m so grateful for all the things and people that I have in my life that I never thought I’d ever have.

Pretty sure that if 14-year-old me saw 52-year-old me, he’d be both shocked and impressed.

TBH, when I really think about it, 52-year-old me is shocked and impressed with my life.

We should all be shocked and impressed with our lives.

Location: earlier yesterday, Kalahari water park in PA
Mood: like I said, shocked and impressed
Music: looked great for nearly 53. Well, lucky you found me (Spotify)
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