A little while ago, the Professor dropped me a line.
Him: If you’ve seen the HBO series Westworld there’s a line where a female robot is about to get her mind wiped again – to spare her from feeling the pain of her child s death – and she cries out “Please, no – the pain is all I have left.” I thought that line was quite powerful. Me: (sighing) Yeah. Thinking of Alison and my dad is always painful but it’s better than not feeling anything at all, I think. Sometimes, I think differently, but for now, I agree.
Him: I wish I knew her better. Me: Me too, kiddo. You woulda loved her. Him: And she woulda loved me? Me: Oh, kiddo, she absolutely did. And she’d be so thrilled with the person you’re becoming.
She had a little lamb, whose fleece was white – as white as snow, in fact. And this little lamb followed Mary everywhere.
Her friend, John Roulstone, upon seeing this, was so amused, he wrote her a poem about it.
Image via Art and Picture Collection, The New York Public Library.
The poem went:
Mary had a little lamb;
Its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rule;
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school.
And so the teacher turned it out;
But still it lingered near,
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear.
There’s some question as to the validity of all this, but I like to believe it.
See, almost everyone in America has heard about Mary, knew her situation, and remembered her little lamb that she loved so much, and that loved her so much.
But I’m struck that everyone forgot that Mary was a real person, with all her hopes and dreams, and people – and animals – that loved her deeply.
Even if the poem wasn’t actually Mary Elizabeth Sawyer, the hope is that Mary was a real person, and this was a real thing.
This coming week will be both Alison’s birthday and Mother’s Day.
And the anniversary of her death is coming up as well.
Every May I struggle with the void that she left after she died.
As hard as that is, it’s even harder for the kid, who – year-after-year – feels the loss a touch more acutely than the previous year.
Moreover, I worry that she’ll just be a distant idea to him, like Mary.
Like, I picture her in my head like the picture above while I think that my son pictures her like the blurry main picture of this entry.
It’s her but it’s…blurry.
Then again, it’s always good to be remembered in some positive way.
Whether that be in a children’s rhyme or a blog that almost no one reads.
I’ll probably write more later, but I just wanted you to know that the Lo household was thinking about her this May, like we do every May.
And like I always do.
Him: Papa! Did you know that there’s a country called Burkina Faso? Isn’t that a cool name? Me: It is! Did you know that mommy used to go there all the time? Him: She did? Why? Me: She worked for a place called Helen Keller and was always trying to help people. That’s one of the things that I always loved about her. She was always trying to help people – she was such a good person, kiddo. Maybe, when you grow up, you can help people like she did. Him: I will! Me: (nodding) She’d love that. She would have loved that. And you.
Always walked in with a fully developed sense of reality, only to leave disabused of that reality when I realize that what I think is true, isn’t true at all.
My first – positive, actually – example of this was way back in 2008, when I finally found out after months of waiting that I didn’t have testicular cancer.
Remember walking into that appointment fulla dread, and leaving feeling so light and relieved.
Then came alla the darkness there.
The first was in 2011, where Alison lost the first of six pregnancies.
Each one was awful for me, and soul-crushing for her – two were ectopic that required surgery.
It was not the last with her as she was there several more times.
I spent the next two years rehabing it (the picture in that entry is directly outside the building).
Then, in 2014, had another kinda spot of good-ish news when went in and was told that I needed to get a colonoscopy there but that turned out ok as well.
Between 2015 and 2017, Alison went there a number of times for tests and such for her cancer.
None of those experiences were good nor happy.
I hated even being near the place.
Two years ago, I walked in and was told that (a) I had massive bone spurs in my hand, and (b) I’d broken no less than seven of my ten fingers in my life.
And then earlier this week, I walked in after three months of trying to get x-rays and/or an MRI on my back and I was floored.
Like always, I was given a complete shock that shook my sense of self.
Her: OK, well you definitely don’t have cancer. Me: (breathing in deeply) OK, that’s good but it sounds like there’s a “but” about to happen… Her: (purses lips and nods slightly) Yes, well…did you know that you have scoliosis? Me: What?! No, wait, I don’t have scoliosis. Her: I’m afraid you do. Here, let me show you…
And she whipped out the x-rays you see above.
You can see the curve in my spine.
Evidently, I’ve had that my whole life.
BUT, because I’ve been working out my whole life, I never really noticed it – until recently, that is.
Me: Is that why I’m in so much pain? Like a few months ago, I could barely walk down the street when it rained. Her: Partially. You have a lot of arthritis in your back as well, and you can see in the slide on the right where your disc slipped. Me: Is there anything that can be done? Her: Just PT, I’m afraid. The (main doctor) will get you a script for a much higher dose of celebrex than you’re on right now. (later) You have a lot of injuries. Me: (shrugging) Just clumsy, I guess.
Like I said, I walked in with one sense of what my reality was and left wholly with another one.
At least I don’t have cancer.
That’s always a win, despite all the other discouraging news.
The kid cracked another tooth the other day so we had to drop everything and head to the dentist’s to fix it.
This time, however, insurance was able to cover everything, so that was a plus.
Poor guy was less than thrilled, lemme tell ya.
Him: You have no idea how this feels! Me: Dude, most adults know exactly how it feels – we’ve all done it. You’ll survive this, trust me.
Afterward, I brought him to see his grandparents out in the wilds of NJ…
…I stayed for dinner because they were having Afghan food and we all love it.
Couldn’t really stay longer than for dinner because there’s work that needs to be done on my building that we’re (finally) doing after literally decades of putting it off.
Essentially, our building has settled, and this has resulted in large cracks in our facade.
According to an engineer that came by, while it’s not dangerous to life or property at the moment, we had a few years to fix it before it became a serious problem.
A fella that did work for us years ago just happened to be free so I jumped at the chance to have him fix it.
Just like with any other repair work, as soon as he started, he saw more issues, like, look at how much mortar is missing from the bricks above, or how rusted the internal metal is between the layers of brick, below.
He’s gonna tell me after he’s had more time to check it out if we need to do anything more for that.
Home and kid ownership is rewarding, for sure, but keeping the home from falling down and the kid in one piece is really a full-time thing.
Then again, I’m not sure I’d want it any other way.
Him: Thanks for bringing me to the dentist. Me: Sure thing, but let’s avoid doing that for a while, ok? Him: Definitely!
Location: meeting the Firecracker for dinner out and about like real adults
Mood: brrrrrrrrrrr
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Her: Have you seen my cow slippers? It’s freezing. Me: Since meeting you, I’ve heard sentences I’ve never heard ever in my life. Which is saying a lot, because I’m over half-a-century old. Her: You told me I bring joy and light to your life. Me: I say a lotta things. Her: (glares)
It’s been bone-chillingly cold out here lately – and not just between the Firecracker and me.
Like, seriously bone-chilling:
But that also meant some snow and sledding out around here, which is a welcome thing for the kids.
Both kids were excited to get their snow on, so we were up insanely early to let them do it.
There was hardly anyone there when we first arrived.
But that was relatively short-lived.
Which is fine because the Firecracker and I were both freezing.
Her: I’m glad we’re leaving. I can’t feel my toes. (starts laughing). Me: I can’t either. What are you laughing at? Her: (pointing) That. Every time I come here, I see the remains of sleds that gave up the ghost.
My brother hates the snow and winter, which is why he lives in Pasadena.
But he and Paul have been dealing with the opposite problem of ice and snow, and that’s fire and ash.
Smoke and ash notwithstanding, he knows that he’s among the lucky ones, at least so far.
Paul and one of the Scenic Fights producers had to evacuate and one of them is just a few blocks from my brother’s pad.
Me: Can I post these pics? Him: Sure, though what’s there is of course trivial compared to the sorts of calamities that befell houses up the way in Altadena. Those pics were from the morning of Tuesday the 8th, I think. The night before there were winds like I’ve only seen/heard maybe once before here in LA, it was nuts. Me: Man… Him: You know, I’m not sure I’ve used the word “befell” in a sentence befall. Me: Are you proud of yourself here? Him: It’s like Albert Shakespeare said, “Pride is a many-sided mirror.” Me: (sighing)
Location: my living room, after the kid accidentally dropped his entire spaghetti dinner on the white rug
Mood: blargh
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I’d just settled down in front of my computer after being busy with nonsense all morning to actually get some work done when a tenant franticly called me.
She had water dripping down from her ceiling at a fairly fast clip so I ran upstairs to see what the matter was.
We needed to get into the apartment above her, but I had the keys to that. Or so I thought. It turns out that the owner either changed one of the locks or keys and I only had one of the three locks on the door.
The start of the damage above the initial apartment. It got *much* worse – see the video below.
The unit owner was in Asia though and it was 3AM there. But this was an emergency.
Her: What do you mean, you don’t have the key? Me: I feel that that’s fairly self-evident. I don’t have the keys. Her: I gave you them. I rely on you to keep them for me. Me: Yes, and I have the keys you gave me. They don’t work on the lock. Again, I don’t have the keys to your unit.
After a lotta back-and-forth, finally ran out to get a locksmith who got us in some two hours later.
But that was just getting into the apartment above.
The next step was getting a plumber in post 5PM and the same day.
That was another adventure, and he finally got to us after 7PM.
I’d already shut off water to the building but, by that time, a ton of water had already pooled.
The plumber found out that, just like my own kitchen sink, the pipe had snapped off in the unit two floors above the initial apartment.
The unit sandwiched between the two units – the unit right above the initial unit which I couldn’t gain entry to – was absolutely wrecked.
Spoke to the owner – still in Asia – who was grateful that I got to it when I did.
Still, I feel that, once she gets back, she’ll be unprepared for the amount of work that the unit will need to get clean and safe again.
As for me, I finally got to sit down and get to my own work the next day.
I could use a lot less excitement in my life, TBH.
Just a tiny bit of the damage that the broken pipe wrought.
Her: Do you think you’re perfect, Logan?! Me: Nah – I know I have a ton of flaws. Her: I’m so glad you can admit when you’re wrong. Me: Wait, no. I said I was flawed, very flawed, which I am. But I’m also usually right. Her: (sighs, rolls eyes)
The Firecracker and I have had a pretty annoying string of luck lately.
About two or three months ago, I started doing something called Toes-To-Bar, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like – you hang by your hands and bring your toes up to touch the bar.
It looks like this:
Except, I was doing it completely straight-legged.
Got up to as much as 15 of them before I ended up herniating a disc and it was either because of jits or, more likely, this exercise that led me to that injury.
Anywho, I let myself rest up over my cruise and came back feeling much better.
So much better that I did some toes-to-bar – just three.
Welp, that was a grave mistake.
Ended up not even being able to get outta bed the next morning.
Went to see the doc just in case it was something like cancer, though, because – with my luck – it’s not an impossibility.
Took 20 mins to get to the doc, who saw me and said, “You’re 51? And you spar and go to the gym five days a week with a herniated disc? Doesn’t sound like cancer, sounds like you have sciatica.”
The total exam took less than seven minutes.
In any case, never knew what that was and looked it up; sounded exactly like what I had.
Yay.
The Firecracker hasn’t been faring much better.
Her main mode of transportation around Manhattan is her trusty scooter – which died the other day.
So, she borrowed mine and promptly wiped out on it and had a whole bevy of minor and a-bit-more-than-minor-but-still-not-major, injuries.
To add insult to injury – pun intended – another pigeon promptly pooped on her injured arm.
Her: Cm’on!
I shouldn’t have laughed but I did.
And then a week later, a pigeon pooped on my head.
Me: This isn’t our best month.
Still, all things considered, it’s not all bad.
We’ll both probably be on our feet again – literally and figuratively – in the next few months.
The aftermath of the bird and her arm/wrist.
To be clear: Feet, not toes.
Me: What do you think about my doing toes-to-bar like this [with bent knees]? Her: I think that’s a terrible idea, Logan. Me: Thank you for your contribution.
Location: at home, doing my really boring PT and missing jits and kali
Mood: seven outta 10 pain so…grumpy
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Speaking of the law, I don’t often talk about the law (or martial arts) in this blog because it’s always supposed to be a personal blog, about my personal life.
But I’m always surprised how much my professional life/lives bleed into my personal one.
Case in point, the kid was punished for something he said he didn’t do.
So, I took time outta my day, gathered evidence, witnesses, etc, and appeared before the person accusing the kid of wrongdoing.
The issue happened at his school, not the gym, but I liked this shot of him doing his thing.
Was able to prove that he didn’t do what they accused him of, and he got an apology from an adult.
Him: But, Mr. Lo, I want to talk about your behaviour. Me: (laughing) Wait, my behaviour? Him: Yes. We had people there that said you were belligerent and abusive to my staff. Me: Oh my! Well, good thing I have a recording of the entire episode – which I brought with me today. Here you go (hand him my phone). Him: (takes my phone and then watches it) You recorded it?! Me: (nodding) As you can see, I neither raised my voice a single time, nor did I attack your staff personally in any way with ad hominem attacks. I just told them they made a bad call, which we both agree is the truth. Him: (after watching half) OK, I’ve seen enough. I’m glad you recorded it. Me: Me too. I’ll send a copy to your email for your records.
And I did.
It always pays to be prepared, IMHO.
Unfortunately, you can’t prepare for everything.
OK, so one thing I read about my garbage disposal was to not put in very fibrous things – like woody stems and the like.
The other day, I had this HUUUUGE grapefruit and, without thinking, stuffed all the rinds and the interior skins down the disposal.
Ten minutes later, water came pouring outta my dishwasher.
Four days, one $80 brass elbow, one tube of plumber’s putty, two snakes, two bottles of drano, two general contractors, a professional plumber, and $1,100 later, I have a working sink again.
That was the most expensive goddamn grapefruit I’ve ever had in my life.
I will say, though, that one good thing came out of this whole adventure, which is that the above is the pipe that leads into my wall.
You can see that it was so old – at least 40 years old – that the threads completely rusted off.
The plumber said it was wholly unrelated to the reason why he was there but that it was gonna snap off in the next year, what with alla the vibrations from the garbage disposal.
So, it was good he was there to catch it.
Oh, I bought a dashboard cam to record things as well.
Like I said, it pays to be prepared.
The people that shot the above video would agree with me, I think.
Finally emerged on day three still feeling pretty off but less like death warmed over so I ventured out with everyone to brekkie.
Him: Wow. Me: What? Him: I’ve never seen you eat so little before. And you never eat this much bread. Me: Mommy told me that, when your stomach hurts, you have to eat BRATTY foods, which are Bread, Rice, Applesauce, Tea, Toast, and Yoghurt.
And that, my non-nauseated friends, is a list of alla the foods I’d been eating up to that point.
It’s good that I was feeling better because the Firecracker booked us all a table at teppanyaki for dinner, so we went to that.
The chef we got was a nice guy, and the food was delicious, but he was obviously still in training because he messed up the egg tricks three times.
Still, it was good, and the kids were entertained.
And I, for one, was certainly happy to have something other than bread and carbs.
Afterward, the Firecracker and I separated to do our own things.
Now, a guy was supposed to play the Rolling Stones at a bar that the Firecracker and I hit up earlier.
I didn’t have any tequila, mezcal, or anything beyond soda water so my bar experience was pretty different than it usually is.
The kid was super excited to have a small, private concert.
But there was another band that was playing the Beatles, so we went to that.
The Firecracker was able to join us, so that part was pretty nice.
We also got to dress up all snazzy, like.
The next day, we arrived in Bermuda, but – like I said – there was that new hurricane developing so we were told that we only had from 9AM to 4:45PM to be in Bermuda.
So, we made the most of it and headed to Horseshoe Beach for the pink beaches.
Because the Firecracker and I had been to Bermuda (many times) before, we just hopped the bus to get there.
The last time I was in Bermuda, I was so irritated because I just wanted to remember her, but the idiot driving wouldn’t stop prattling on about nonsense.
It still makes me mad thinking about it.
This time, though, I sat with Alison’s son in the back while the Firecracker sat in another row with her son. So, I finally had my time with my thoughts and our son.
Me: Mommy and I once walked this exact route. Him: Really?! This far!? Me: It wasn’t my smartest idea, but mommy was nice enough to support me.
I won’t bring up Alison again in this because it fucks with my head.
In any case, after a spell, we finally arrived at the beach. The boy was underwhelmed but enjoyed being in the water.
Me? I was in and out of my head a lot for a bit.
But I did get to show the kids where I liked to go on the beach – years ago, I saw a tree growing outta rock there and found it again.
It was doing well and, somehow, that made me feel better.
We didn’t get too much time there but that’s fine.
I was just happy to be able to sit and read for a few minutes. And be in my head for a bit.
We made it back to the ship with hours to spare and stopped by the dockyard for a bit before the kid and chilled out on our balcony and had lunch together.
Since both the Firecracker and I like cruising, we were keeping our eyes out for any last-minute trips that worked with our schedule since we didn’t get a chance to bring the kids anywhere over the summer.
Well, we came across the MSC Meraviglia, which left just from Brooklyn.
Interestingly, it was the very same ship we saw when we were on Governors Island, last.
Unfortunately, all the mezcal from the previous night hit me HARD the next morning.
It turns out that mezcal affects me even worse than tequila and I woke up feeling like death.
And that’s when I started my hourly trips to the bathroom.
Imagine your worst trip to the tiniest room times 16.
And then place at least half of those trips took place in very questionable public bathrooms.
Literally, every hour, on the hour, I had to scramble – heavy with luggage and feeling as weak as water in the rain – to find a bathroom and do my (very gross) duty.
Her: Listen, you gotta rally. They’re not gonna let you on the ship if you look like you’re sick and they won’t believe it’s alcohol poisoning. Me: I’m not unaware. (pause) Annnnnd, I gotta go again.
Somehow, we made it onto the ferry where I tried my level best not to leave my DNA.
I was resolutely unsuccessful, although I did manage to leave it in the proper area within the bathroom.
The boy, however, was completely unfazed and still pretty excited for his second cruise.
Managed to put on a stoic face long enough to make it onto the ship where I entered my room, despite being told it wouldn’t be ready for another three hours.
Attendant: I’m sorry sir, your room isn’t ready yet. Me: Is it possible for you to just clean around me? I just want to nap on the couch. Him: OK, sir.
I was hoping he wasn’t gonna narc and he didn’t.
The Firecracker took care of both kids the first two days as I just stayed in the bed and went to the bathroom.
Again, every hour, on the hour for 48 hours.
She did manage to enjoy herself without me, which I found shocking.
I literally ate nuthin but bread and water those first 48 hours.
Boy: I’ve never seen you eat this many carbs. Me: (eating another roll) This is how papa’s gonna be for a while.
This is pretty much all I ate for the first two days. It was carbtastic!
Well, I did try to have some French onion soup.
That was ill-advised.
Now, I thought that I did a pretty good job hiding how rotten I felt.
Me: (weakly but proudly) I don’t think anyone could tell. Her: (laughing) Are you kidding me? The waiter immediately asked, once you left, “Is your husband feeling ok?” Me: And there I thought I was doing some Oscar quality work. (shaking head) I’m a terrible liar.
The next night, I felt ok enough to hit up a show…
…or two…
…but it was a struggle.
I’ll write more tomorrow but not mention the unpleasantness.
Until then, enjoy the Firecracker almost killing the second performer; prior to this, the kid was the star of the show – the emcee selected him to talk about his trip to the ship and, man, did he have a lot to say – but I didn’t record it because I was laughing so much.
