Tag: nostalgia

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personal

This is not my family

A sleepover and then Shanghainese food

So, the whole reason that the kids went out for a sleepover with my sis was because my sister ran into her sixth-grade teacher and she invited my sister out to her beach house.

That, in a nutshell, tells you all you need to know about my sister.

She is as nice and kind as I am not.

Legit, only someone like my sister would get invited to someone’s house that she’s not seen in over 35 years.

Now, my sis sent me that picture above, but she noted that – for some inexplicable reason – AI changed everyone’s faces.

That’s why I’m not blocking out my kid’s face in the pic above, because AI already changed it. In fact, everyone’s picture was changed.

So. Weird.

He’s supposed to be the one resting his head on his cousin’s head in the middle.

My sis meeting her teacher made me think of Mrs. Reynolds and Mrs. Meltzer, two of the four teachers that were probably the most impactful in my life.

I wish I took down Mrs. Reynolds number or reached out to Mrs. Meltzer when I could have. They were such good people and teachers – I think everyone owes some good thing in one’s life to a good teacher.

One of these days, I’ll tell you about the other two teachers that I felt made the most difference in my life.

I didn’t get to see my mom just because she was in church at the time.

She’s at an age when she’s got a lot of free time but doesn’t quite know what to do with herself outside of work.

She’s got the most amazing green thumb, though, so I’m always trying to convince her to garden more.

I suppose, secretly, it’s also because I want some free, homegrown veggies.

Speaking of veggies, Sara and I liked the restaurant that we went to the previous day so much – it’s called Shanghai You Garden – that we decided to go again and bring the boys.

Him: Papa, can I get the cucumbers?
Me: Dude, I will always buy you any vegetable you want.
Him: Really?!
Me: Yup, done.

As for Sara and me, we essentially did a complete repeat of what we had the previous day.

Because when we find something we like, we run with it.

Afterwards, we all took a little walk around before heading home.

Sara’s kid entering his last year of middle school while my kid is entering his first.

This will be the first year that they’re going to the same school at the same time.

I wonder what this year will bring; actually, I wonder that every year.

He’s growing up so fast that I can’t keep up, which is both good and bad.

Him: Papa, can I tell you about the sleepover and the beach?
Me: I’d love to hear it! Lemme just get settled.
Him: OK! So, there’s this shower that’s the coolest shower, ever! It has three knobs and when you turn on the middle one, the water comes outta the bottom so you can test with your foot if it’s too hot or cold. Anyway…

 

Assume all links in this blog are monetized.
Location: in front of my scanner, scanning pictures of people I love and miss, terribly
Mood: melancholy
Music: I’m kinda in a better mood (Spotify)
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Forgotten Childhood

The old movie theatre

Me: (heading to gym) Hey, have you seen my underwear?
Her: Is your underwear fun to wear?
Me:
Her: Did you hear me?
Me: Yeah.
Her: I said a joke.
Me: That was not a joke. It was something, just not a joke.
Her: You’re such an old fuddy fuddy. That joke was hilarious.
Me: I would be a fuddy duddy that thought that constituted a joke!

Saw my mom this past weekend.

I’ve been scanning all these pictures of my family lately and I wanted to ask her about some of them, because I never got the chance to ask my dad when he was still alive.

Mom: You could ask me, you know?
Me: You know them all?
Her: (scoffing) Do you know how long we were married for?! I probably know 99% of everyone. (thinking) Maybe 95. Definitely 95.

I was talking to Rain the other day about photos – or the lack thereof when we were hanging out.

Me: In some ways, I feel 20somethings are lucky because they always have a camera on them. Other times, I feel bad for them that everyone always has a camera on them.
Him: With what we did? With photo evidence, we’d have been cancelled years ago.

He’s probably right about that.

Still, I wish I had clear pictures of all these fuzzy and inchoate memories of mine.

Like, my very first memory of one was when I was a kid with my family and we were driving back home from something and there was a HUGE screen off in the distance playing Star Wars at a drive-in theatre.

I think it was this one, but I’m not 100% sure.

I remember thinking that was the coolest thing in the world: A television set in the middle of a park.

I also remember wondering who got to choose what they would watch?

In any case, I’m hoping that, at some point, maybe I’ll come across a picture my dad or mom took of that movie theater because we did go there once, although I don’t remember what movie we saw.

I do remember that I loved playing with the speaker they hung in our car.

Wonder what memories the kid’ll have when he’s my age.

Hope they’re good ones and he remembers that he had a good childhood, fulla laughter and love, despite all the misery.

That’s the hope anywho.

Location: Queens, having a perfect weather day
Mood: ruminative
Music: Hair turns gray and the pictures fade (Spotify)
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Worst answer of all time

The 80s were a decade of poor clothing choices

We went to see the Surgeon and his wife the other day just to get the kids together.

There was this new kimbap place across the street that they ordered from, and we ate and drank until we couldn’t move.

It was fun because we had time to talk about all the things that we never actually discussed before.

Me: When I was a kid, there was a weird thing where men wore cropped tee-shirts.
Sara: Wait, you wore a cropped tee-shirt?!
Me: Well, it was something that…
Her: Do you have any pictures?
Me: Thankfully, no. But there are *plenty* of pictures that are horrifyingly embarrassing that exist somewhere. The 80s were fulla poor clothing choices.

Since both kids are now back, we’re somewhat like normal except the kid is going away to camp next week so it’ll be short-lived.

Having said that, it was really cool to see how happy both boys were to see each other.

I just realized that I never gave Sara’s kid a name, so we’ll just call him MTA for reasons I’ll keep to myself.

Anywho, as I’m writing this entry, I hear both boys laughing and yelling as they play video games with each other.

Like I always say, this isn’t the life I envisioned for myself, but I’m grateful that I have it so I’ll enjoy it for as long as I can.

Which, admittedly, may not be all that long.

Her: Are you gonna love me when I’m shriveled up like a prune?
Me: What? No. No, definitely not.
Her: (glares, long, long pause) That was the worst answer of all time.
Me: It’s good to be number 1.
Her: Yeah, number one jerkface.

I’m not in the picture below, BTW – it’s from a Reddit page.

Location: my bustling apartment again
Mood: hopeful
Music: I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed (Spotify)
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Old (to me) New York

Ghost Signs

Me: Can you send me a message using that voice record thing you have on your phone?
Her: (puzzled) It’s just text-to-speech Logan.
Me: Well, I dunno if I have that on my phone.
Her: You definitely have that on your phone.
Me: You’re so snobby with your fancy advanced technology.
Her: It’s text-to-speech!

Probably one of my favourite things about living in NYC is seeing bits of old New York City peek through our modern lives.

Like, look at the old ferry terminal downtown against the modern skyscrapers behind it.

Or this ignored subway station entrance that looks like it came right outta the 1970s:

Or the cobblestone streets built with stones from at least 250 years ago:

Like when Sara and I took our walk downtown and we walked past alla these cast-iron buildings.

Some of which would tell you more about them if you looked a little closer.

I mean, even the coffee shop that Rain used to live above looks like it came from a different era.

Actually, walking around the city, I always try and if I can echoes of old New York.

Like this old school diner, we ran across in Tribeca the other day…Or this building below – which I found out later is the Corbin Building at the intersection of John Street and Broadway (13 John Street and 192 Broadway) – which I found on another one of our walks.It’s not mentioned in its Wikipedia entry, but I noticed that it had faint lettering that said, “Optical Journal.”

So, then I spent a good amount of time trying to figure that out – it turns out that there wasn’t an “Optical Journal” that operated there, it was literally just an ad according to this paper.

And those faint letterings of past NYC are called ghost signs.

Honestly, I love seeing ghost signs when I run across them, for reasons that I can’t really explain.

Maybe it’s because, after living in NYC for so long, I run into old ghosts on the regular and this feels like another form of that?

Dunno. But I like it.

Lemme know if you know of any ghost signs or glimpses into Old NYC?

Location: in my head again, wondering
Mood: alone
Music: Smoke my cigarettes – I should quit, I know (Spotify)
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Meeting with the Boss(es)

Half of it’s gone

Me: Hey, I gotta meet up with my boss after work this week. Do you wanna join us?
Her: Sure! (thinking) Actually, can you leave a little early and swing by my new office? You haven’t seen it yet.
Me: Bet!

My first apartment in Manhattan was on 46th Street, between 5th and 6th Avenues, on a street called Little Brazil.

Back then, I worked at 42nd and Broadway, so I could literally wake up 30 minutes before work and be at my desk before anyone.

Like I said, I had so many lives before I started this blog back when I was 32.

Now, the thing is that my current gig is just southeast of my old pad, and Sara’s new gig is just northeast of it.

So, I decided to check out her new digs before we met up with my boss to discuss a case that I was working on.

Her: What do you think?
Me: (shielding my eyes from the bright afternoon sun) Too bad you don’t get any light or views here.
Her: (laughing) Yeah, the windows are awesome, but the sun can be a bit much – that’s why we always have the shades drawn.

We walked past my old pad, and I was shocked to see that half the block was demolished.

Me: WHOA! Everything’s gone!
Her: Is your old building still here?
Me: Yeah, but most of the buildings to the east of it are…gone. (sighing)
Her: Are you ok?
Me: (nodding slowly) Yeah. Everything I knew and loved is fading away. (pointing off across the street) Man, I spent so many nights in my 20s in that Barnes and Noble.
Her: I didn’t even notice that was there.
Me: At least some things I remember are still here.

The place we were meeting my boss was called Valerie, which wasn’t there when I lived there some three decades ago.

We got there first and ordered a few drinks, before my boss came.

But he showed up pretty soon after.

After some pleasantries…

Him: I’ve been here before. Don’t remember what for but I’ve definitely been here.
Me: I think I may have come with you.
Him: What made you pick it?
Me: It’s one of the few places left in NYC where you can still get dollar oysters.
Her: That tracks.

…we settled into a nice conversation where we discussed my case…

Me: What do you think?
Him: It’s interesting. There might be something there. I’ll dig a little bit and let you know what we find.
Me: Sweeeeet.

…and then all chatted.

Her: How many oysters did you get?
Me: 24? Protein!

Nuthin like protein and alcohol for dinner.

Afterward, I snagged the check.

Him: I’ve got it, this is a business dinner.
Me: Nah, it’s my case and I invited you out.
Him: (laughing) OK, next time.


The place was empty when we got there but, by the time we left, the whole place was hopping.

He went east, back to the office or home, while Sara and I walked west to catch our ride uptown.

Her: I’m really impressed with how intelligent your boss is.
Me: He’s literally one of the only people I could ever work for.
Her: Why is that?
Me: Because I respect him. He’s an excellent lawyer and good guy. That’s why I’ve worked for myself for so long – there aren’t too many people I respect enough to do that.

Location: the UWS, narrowly missing a thunderstorm
Mood: humid
Music: So cool, she was like jazz on a summer’s day (Spotify)
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Staying home for the first time in decades

She always looks like this

The very next day, Sara was going to her mom’s, and I was heading back to NYC – but not home.

My mom had some legal stuff that I had to help her out with – plus my sister and her entire family was away and I didn’t like the thought of her being alone in the house.

So, I went to keep her company for a few days.

Her: I’m not a child, you don’t have to stay!
Me: First of all, you’re not, but this might take more than a day to do. Second of all, your air conditioner is much better than mine.

Unfortunately, because of the timing, I had to cut my trip short with Sara because of it.

Sara: Well, I’m not happy. But I understand.
Me: And that, is why you’re the best. I’ll make it up to you, promise.
Her: You better.

Sara was such a doll – she even booked my flight back.

In North Carolina, it was so humid outside that the AC was literally steaming up the inside of the plane.

But I’d heard that NYC was even worse.

I arrived at LGA in less than 90 mins – it woulda been shorter but I flew out on the 4th of July and the airspace over DC was closed so we had to go ten minutes out west and come back ten minutes.

Still, a LOT better than our return trip two years ago.

I immediately hopped into a cab and headed to see my mom.

Honestly, I really wanted to go home and be in my own apartment and bed, but my family needed me so off I went.

The legal work took a little longer than I anticipated – that, plus the heat was ridonk; the real feel was 107 degrees.

Her: Should we turn on the air conditioner?
Me: Nah, we can just sit here and sweat.
Her: OK.
Me: That was sarcasm! It’s 107, mom!

It had been well over 15 years since I last slept over there. Maybe 20 years?

If anyone felt like a kid, it was me. She kept cautioning me to be careful when I went outside.

Me: You know I’m 53, right mom?

But I get it. I think my kid will always be my little boy, no matter how old he gets.

And, while my mom looks like the photo above these days, in my head she always looks like this (I’m probably thinking of food in this pic):

Honestly, it was nice spending some time with her, just the two of us.

Her: You did such a good job by yourself with [your son].
Me: Well, I had a lotta help.
Her: It’s not easy. Being a parent. (later) I was a good parent, right?
Me: The best, mom. You were and are the best. I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
Her: (wrinkling her nose) What does that mean?!
Me: (shrugging) Just something Alison used to say.
Her: Oh, you were so fat when you were young. (laughs)
Me: (nodding) I’m not unaware, mom.

Location: the somewhat cooler apartment
Mood: pensive
Music: I’m just trying to find my way home (Spotify)
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The things he carried

What they represent

The stuff I took from my sister a few weeks ago deserves its own entry here, but I wanted to talk about some things that I found that brought back so many memories.

See, I recall the picture of my mom that you see above, and the vocab cards were always in his wallet.

I didn’t know about the other two pictures.

It reminded me of the picture of my son’s sonogram that Alison carried around in her filofax.

She must have looked at that image a million times and dreamt of the life that she and he would have together.

Fuck.

But this entry isn’t about her but about my dad.

This Father’s Day, the kid gave me this card that he wrote up in Chinese school.

He kept his promise from Mother’s Day and handed me the card you see below.

Just like with the Mother’s Day card he gave me, he wrote on this one: Happy, happy, happy.

Only, this time, it really was. He handed it to me beaming.

Me: Why did you write, “Happy, Happy, Happy?”
Him: (shrugging) I dunno. Why aren’t you going to read it now?
Me: Because it’s not Father’s Day just yet. I wanna have something to read that day.
Him: Oh, ok!

And I saved it for that day, which is its own entry.

I think children don’t really know what their parents truly carry around with them.

Alison and my dad both carried around physical pictures of the things that they loved because that was the time they were born in – there were no smartphones, no jpegs, no MP4 files, no digital flashcards.

So, they picked the most special things to carry with them and those were my dad’s

I know that Alison stared at that sonogram a million times throughout the day.

My dad looked at my brother and me so many times that he had to laminate the picture you see above.

And the picture of all three kids was folded, so I know he kept it in his wallet.

Finally, that picture of my mom always made me realize just how much he loved her.

I’m guessing that he looked at that picture of my mom – prior to him cutting it – and thought:

She looks so beautiful. But this isn’t a good picture. I’ll just cut out her face because I want to look at it while I’m busy at work.

Now, I totally made up that conversation with my dad to himself.

But, lemme tell you, I would bet my entire pad that I’m 100% right.

Because he only had eyes for her – everything else could go away.

My dad wasn’t perfect, but he taught me how to be a good father and husband without talking about either.

He just did it – meaning he just was a good dad and was a good husband – so I could copy him.

I think those are the best dads and the kind I hope I am, or at least could be.

I told you, decades ago, that:

You don’t love a picture because of the paper it’s printed on.

You love a picture for what it represents.

These are the pictures and things my father loved.

As for us, we are so very lucky; I have an entire phone that has access to thousands of pictures and videos – of Sara, of the kid, of my family, of Alison.

I carry my phone wherever I go, which means that I carry them wherever I go.

My dad carried less than I did, I carry more than he did, but we loved every single one of them the same way.

And he carried those vocabulary cards because he loved learning and I love learning because he did.

Just like him, I always carry something that will make me a little smarter than I was yesterday.

Just like I carry him with me.

Sara: You ok?
Me: Yeah. (pause) I just miss my dad.
Her: Yeah. (thinking) What do you want for dinner tomorrow?
Me: (brightening) Oh man, carbs! Like maybe pasta? Or sushi? Or…noodles? I know! Indian food – rice, bread, potatoes…yeah.
Her: (laughing) It’s Father’s Day. You can have all that.
Me: Thanks, baby. (sighing) Thanks.
Her: (nodding gently) Anytime, Logan Lo. Anytime.

Location: Chinatown…with all the carbs
Mood: wistful
Music: 上を向いて歩こう (Spotify)
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Fellas, at my pad last night…

Corny Sad Logan

Her: Well, I found your blog before I met you, so I was interested to see how much of your online persona matched you in real life.
Me: No kidding? What’d you think?
Her: You are exactly as you are in the blog. Even the corny things you say.
Me: Corny?!
Her: Like, you say, “fellas,” in the blog. And I was like, “Well, there’s no way he uses that in real life.” Nope, he does.
Me: CORNY?!

I wonder sometimes how I come across in this blog.

When I first started writing it, I remember that my buddy Nadi felt like I came across as a sad sack – but that was mainly because I thought my failures with women was far more entertaining than my successes.

Still, a number of people, including Sara, have said that this blog pretty accurately reflects the way I am in real life.

Sara does say that I’m happier in real life versus how I sound in the blog, but I think that this blog allows me to sit with my thoughts and sadness does occupy my mind a lot.

It’s not always like that.

But yeah, I glad that at least some people think that I’m not trying to pretend to be something that I’m not.

Her: And who says “pad,” for their apartment? The 1990s called. They want their word back
Me: Well, that’s more of a 70s thing…
Her: (interrupting) They still want their word back, Logan.

Sara in high school – better pic than any of me in high school, trust me on this.

Speaking of the 70s, Sara and I had a fun time the other night reminiscing about things we loved from our past that are gone now.

For her, she loved Squeezits as a kid.

For me, I loved something called the Reggie Bar, which was named after famed baseball player Reggie Jackson.

I told her that the thing I loved the most as a little kid was cheese in a can, which was something that I could literally eat with a sleeve of saltine crackers for brekkie, lunch, and dinner.

No wonder that I such a fat kid.

I could go on and list a million more things, but I’ll relate a final story for this entry.

Told you in the last entry that Sara’s sister and BIL came over for dinner the other day and we got to talking about drinks.

Him: I definitely had a Zima before, I just don’t remember it.
Me: It looked like a bottle of vodka but tasted like…well, kinda like beer. (later) What about a Bartles and Jaymes?
Him: The coolers?
Me: Yeah, that was pretty huge when I was a kid and then it just…stopped.
Someone (I don’t remember who): That stopped being a thing by the time we were in college.

I wonder what memories of stuff happening right now the kid will bring with him into his future.

Man, I hope it’s a whole lotta good things.

I wish that more than you can imagine.

Location: Chinatown with everyone, having hand-pulled carbs
Mood: nostalgic
Music: Give me a paper and a pen so I can write about my life of sin (Spotify)
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Everything you have now you once wished for

More than anything

Him: (playing guitar and suddenly noticing me) Hey, what are you doing?
Me: (standing at his doorway) Sorry, was just in the kitchen and heard you play. Didn’t mean to scare you.
Him: Oh. Do you want to hear what I’ve been working on? I can play you what I got so far.
Me: (wiping hands and sitting down) Sweeet! I’d love that.

My last entry stuck in my head because of a line I wrote which was that there was once a time I dreamt of having all that I have.

    • I have a great kid that is smart, talented, kind, and healthy. That alone is worth the world to me.
    • Speaking of kids, as a kid, I had this thing called Compuserve for like two weeks because I got some sort of free trial of it somehow. It was pre-pre-prehistoric Internet. And I thought it was the most amazing thing ever. My mind could never have imagined internet and alla you people reading me.
      • This is to say nothing about the communication device/GPS/music player/video camera/photo camera/translation device/television/video game system that we all keep in my back pocket 24/7.
    • I regularly look at Sara and think, “How on earth did I convince someone as drop dead gorgeous and sweet as Sara to marry me?”
      • Granted, I may have incriminating dirt on her, but still…

    • I wrote a book, or two, that I’m proud of and this blog has been 20 years of me just putting my thoughts out into the aether, hoping someone responds – and, most times, someone does.
    • I was a respected member of the bar, and my office regularly tells me that they’d love for me to come back and do more work; I remember being in law school anxious that I’d never find a job.
      • Heck, I remember being sick with anxiety about even making it to law school, or college, or my high school, or my middle school.
    • When I was a fat kid, I dreamt, more than anything, to be slim and have friends. I’ve now been slim for at least 12 times longer than I’ve been fat.

    • I’ve always had massive imposter syndrome when it came to my ability to fight but I just destroyed a guy that was my level, twenty years younger than me, and 40 pounds heavier than me. Just…destroyed him. And this happens more often than I would have expected.
    • My mortgage is paid off some six years early and I live in the heart of Manhattan, something I dreamt of all the time when I was in Cornell.

I could go on, but I don’t wanna sound like I’m bragging.

I’m not.

I’m just reminding myself that everything I have now I once desperately wished – more than anything – for.

And I couple this idea with another one that I heard someone say once: You’re in the middle of the last big great thing you wished for.

Alison and I dreamt so much – you cannot imagine how much, which is why her death guts me – about being parents and now I am one.

Yes, it’s not at all the way I thought it would be and it’s far more difficult than I ever would have imagined.

But still, I have to remind myself that I’m in the middle of the thing that Alison and I (mainly Alison) worked so hard to have.

May is tough on the kid and me for reasons you know, and this year has been no different.

But I’m better enough now to recognize that I need to be grateful for all that I do have and not dwell on everything that I don’t.

I’m also not in a hurry for the next big thing because this thing I’m in now, is pretty good.

Mostly.

Me: Hey can I…gah! What’s on your face!?
Her: (face mask on face and with a southern accent) Look Logan, you’re used to “Tryna Get Me a Man, Sara.”
Me: Wha?
Her: This here is “Done Got Me A Man, Sara.”
Me: I don’t think this is what I signed up for. 
Her: (shakes head) Too late. No backsies.

Location: where I belong
Mood: grateful
Music: There’s so much more. Be grateful (Spotify)
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The key to happiness

VR DINKS

Me: Facebook just asked me if I wanted to join their VR High School. (long pause) That sounds just awful.
Her: (laughing) Agreed.
Me: Like, who on earth would do such a thing? Who thinks that’s a good idea? Why not just have “VR Let’s Stick Two Burning Red-Hot Spoons into Our Eyes?” It’d be about the same.
Her: I would want VR DINKS – Dual Income No Kids.
Me: Yeah, young adults with freedom and just a bit of scratch.
Her: Exactly. But VR High School sounds awful.
Me: What on earth was Zuck thinking? VR High School: Relive having no freedom, no money, and constant anxiety?

Went to the kid’s school the other day for a presentation he had.

Essentially, it was a business project, with every kid playing a role in sourcing materials, crafting, marketing, and selling bracelets.

Went in and bought the middle tier bracelet ($3.75) because all the other parents already cleared out the first-tier bracelets ($5).

Him: Thanks for coming!
Me: Dude, have I ever missed anything you’ve done?

Don’t envy the kid having to go to school.

Granted, I liked being a kid and I liked parts of school – it was the only place where I didn’t feel that oppressive loneliness – although I’m not sure the alternative was much better.

Having said that, I remember wanting so much to be older. I try to tell myself that, there was once a time I dreamt of having all that I have.

I think being grateful for the things we once wished for and now have is the key to happiness.

While VR DINKS sounds like something that might be fun for a bit, I can’t really imagine life without the kid at all.

He’s just such a good little guy and I’m so proud of the fact that he’s so resilient.

Which is good, because he’ll have to be with the dense people that seem to surround him alla time.

Me: How was your field trip?!
Him: Below average.
Me: Oh man, do you wanna talk about it?
Him: Not really. (pause) Well, we were on the bus for three hours each way with NO AIR CONDITIONING. Everyone was super hot.
Me: Oh, that’s not good. I’m sorry, kiddo.
Him: And…the person there asked a bunch of questions. One of them was “Whoever lives with your mom and dad, step forward.” And (long pause and a cracking voice) I was the only who didn’t step forward.
Me: (sighing) I’m sorry, kid. Adults are really stupid sometimes.
Him: Yeah. I didn’t…it didn’t feel very good.
Me: (sighing again) Yeah.

I still sigh a lot around here.

Location: the gym, worried that I crippled someone. I did not. But he’ll need ice for a while.
Mood: forlorn
Music: she never dies. Wipe that tear away now from your eye (Spotify)
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