Tag: nostalgia

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personal

Always a loser

Doesn’t really matter

One of the reasons that I liked Andor so much was because it had a clear beginning, middle, and end.

That’s such a basic thing that you’d think all published media would have, at the very least, that.

Oh man, you’d be so wrong.

Like, I absolutely loved Heroes when it first came out. Ditto for Lost back in the day.

But, somewhere along the line, they were clearly just writing to keep the money coming in and I – and a lotta other people – just lost interest.

But that’s not just with television series, that can happen in movies as well.

Clearly the Godfather and the Godfather II were excellent. But did we really need the Godfather III?

And Rocky – man, that was a perfect film. And Rocky II was pretty good. Plus, I gotta admit that didn’t hate Rocky III.

But Rocky IV turned me off and I never saw a single other sequel after that – dunno if you know, but there were eight Rocky films, total.

Not Rocky but a cool shot I took a while back.

What made Rocky perfect was that, in a nutshell, Rocky was a loser.

And it was just so real – probably because, at that time, the author and soon-to-be star, Sylvester Stallone, was also a loser at that time.

Like, the dude was so broke, he had to sell his own dog for $25 to eat.

Little wonder it was such a popular film, especially with the awkward and overweight Chinese-American crowd.

Well, one of them, at least.

Somehow, Sly managed to convince a major studio to not only buy his script but also let him be the main star in it.

But, along the way, there was a noticeable mess up that they had to fix.

See, in the final fight, Rocky wore a pair of white trunks with a red waistband and stripes down each leg.

Unfortunately, there’s a scene where Rocky sees a giant poster of himself hanging in the stadium, but he’s wearing red trunks with white stripes.

This was actually a mistake by the art department and they didn’t have the time (or money) to redo the poster. Yet this was an important bit of scenery that was needed.

What to do?

Well, all they did was to have Rocky stare at the poster and mention to the promoter, before the fight, Rocky says that the trunks are the wrong color, and the promoter says, “It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

Because Rocky was a loser and he literally just had to show up and get the stuffing beat outta him.

So, what was a pretty glaring mistake ended up pushing the point that Rocky was insignificant in every aspect.

Except he wasn’t.

Just a random story for a random night.

Him: I can’t do anything right.
Me: Don’t say that.
Him: Why not?
Me: Because when you say things, you give them life, even if they’re not true. You are what you say you are. 

Location: A bar in Brooklyn this late morning
Mood: ick
Music: wrapping up his hand, he’s getting ready for the showdown (Spotify)
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Nuthin like it was for someone else

You pay to be left alone

Her: Hey, are you free to join some work colleagues for dinner?
Me: Sure – where and when?

The Firecracker had a fancy work dinner to attend, so I gave her some suggestions, including the really nice restaurant that I took her to on our first proper dinner date years ago.

She booked a reservation but then one person couldn’t make it, so I showed up in his stead.

It’s funny because someone mentioned on the Firecracker’s social media why we would want to eat in an empty restaurant, and we talked about that exact topic that night.

Me: (to the guests) The thing about living in NYC is that when you pay a ridiculous amount of money in a restaurant for food, you’re really paying for people to not be on top of you.
Firecracker: Yeah, most places are crowded and loud. You pay for space and quiet.

In any case, I got my usual burger…

…and a drink.

Afterward, I gave some of them – who were in town visiting – a tour of the St. Marks area.

Along the way, we walked by some old haunts of mine, including:

Spent most nights there with my friends Francis and Rain but that’s a story for another day.

We ended up at Criff Dogs…

…and Please Don’t Tell, the speakeasy that we didn’t make it into last time and actually made it in this time.

I may or may not have ordered some hot dogs.

Firecracker: I swear to god, he has a wooden leg.
Me: I’m a growing boy.

Afterwards, we all went our respective ways but I actually, sent Rain a shot of Cafe Orlin/Marlou Bistro…

…and his response was typically him.

Without telling his story, I think part of the reason he left New York was that the New York that he loved left him.

I think that’s why a lotta people leave this place.

There’s almost nuthin left of the New York City that I once knew.

But that’s ok for me.

Because I gotta figure that the New York City that I knew is nuthin like it was for someone else who came before me.

And it’s time for someone else to have their New York City.

Me: I miss the kid.
Her: He’ll be back this weekend.
Me: (nodding)

Location: 10AM, shooting a shirtless video for Scenic Fights and then eating $58 worth of carbs immediately afterward
Mood: so. so. so. so. full.
Music: In New York, you can be a new man (Spotify)
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If you sit here long enough, everyone walks by

The Firecracker and the Asians

Alex: There’s a spot in the middle of Central Park, the Bethesda Fountain. If you sit there long enough, the entire city walks by.
Isabel: Hmm. And I know of this one canyon, that if you sit there long enough, nobody finds you and you die.

This pic is over 20 years old (I age very slowly); that’s Bethesda Fountain behind me. It’s from this entry.

Matthew Perry was in this rom-com that I absolutely loved when I was a kid called Fools Rush In, with Salma Hayek.

In it, their two characters were comparing the beauty of nature in Nevada, versus the excitement of New York.

I think a lot about maybe getting some place away from NYC, but I honestly can’t imagine living anywhere else but here.

Anywho, I gotta agree with the character of Alex – there’s something about NYC where the entire world really does seem to stop by for a visit.

In the past month alone, we had two doctors from Pittsburg, my relatives from Indiana, and friends from Spain stop by.

This past week, my friend Angel came to town with her son.

She wanted to go to Japanfes, which just happened to be in my neck of the woods this time around so off we met.

She brought her son, who was a Scenic Fights fan, which is always a plus.

Angel: He decided to study German. No idea why.
Me: Oh, I get it. If he can speak English, Chinese, and German, he’s speaking the languages of the Top 1, 2, and 3 world economies, in that order. He can literally work in 95% of the planet with those three languages.
Her: (smiling) Well, ok then!

The kid used the chance to get himself a bubble tea while the Firecracker got herself a salmon sushi taco.

Her: I think if I wrote an autobiography, I’d call this time “[The Firecracker] and the Asians.

Afterward, we went to my fave bistro around the way and got some more food and drink.

It was good seeing Angel – It’s been at least 20 years since I saw her last but she looked pretty much as I remembered her.

After a spell, we went back home, where we convinced Angel and her son to play Big Two.

The Firecracker is an addict.

But she came in second after Angel’s son.

She’s supposed to come back again before she leaves for dinner as she and her kid have been traveling the world and miss having a home cooked meal.

I’ll tell you about that next time.

Location: booking a hotel for a far-off place
Mood: content(ish)
Music: like a narc I knew I had to leave my mark (Spotify)
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What is home if not the people that call it that?

Never having a home

Speaking of home, movies like the Warriors – which is based on a true story that happened almost 3,000 years ago – can be countlessly retold because the themes of longing, home, and survival are universal.

Hold that thought.

While I enjoy the modern takes on the Incredible Hulk – particularly the 2008 Ed Norton reboot – for someone that grew up with the 1978 television series, The Incredible Hulk, it’s very different.

Not just in terms of technology, production values, and the like, but the thrust of the show itself.

Essentially, the modern movies make stories about a god-like/monster-like hero, the television show was mainly about the other part of the Hulk, Dr. Banner.

There, Banner is shown as a drifter, and I thought that the show was the story of a man with a mindless monster inside of him.

As I got older, I got wiser and thought it was the story of a man searching for a home with a monster inside of him.

But this was wrong also, I realized.

It was the story of man that can never have a home, ever. He must always be on the run and can never relax or settle down.

Not my copyright, obvs.

Because the moment he finds someone to create a home with, that person will forever be in danger of the monster inside him.

So, he can’t have any relationships – no friends, no lovers, no children, no one.

Which is why the ending scene was always of Banner walking alone, to nowhere, with nothing but the clothes on his back and a duffle bag.

Banner can never go home because he can never have a home. He will never have a home.

So, there’s no home to find.

Because what is home if not the people that call it that along with you?

And he has no one to call it that with him.

It’s such a tragic story and can probably explain how a primetime television series about a big, green, comic book character in the 70s lasted five years.

In any case, just a random thought.

Think I’m finally starting to understand the world a bit.

Which isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Oh, by the way, my son’s home.

Him: I’m home!
Me: (laughing) Yes you are!

Location: NJ, getting my treasure
Mood: steamy
Music: There’s a monster in me who shut down (Spotify)
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Making changes around here

The key participle

During the time between the Firecracker’s birthday and my own, I let myself have one piece of dessert, an absolutely killer paleo muffin/naked cupcake by my sister.

Whenever I go see her, she’s always nice enough to give me one of her baked goods – which are invariably awesome – and I knew I’d be having this for my birthday.

This is where I am, excitement-wise, right now.

Electrician: You want me to just wire it up or wire it up and install it?
Me: Wait, you can install this?
Him: (looking puzzled) Yeah. Why not?
Me: Well, alright!

Continuing the spring cleaning around here, I’m making a ton of changes to my back bathroom.

That bathroom had this super dark, brass – instead of silver – backed mirror that just about everyone who sees thinks is cool looking but wholly impractical.

Alison always hated it, and the Firecracker was never a fan.

Had meant to replace it for decades but never did.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I ordered a lighted LED mirror to replace it and was planning on having an electrician do the wiring and a general contractor/handyman install the mirror itself.

But he and his partner were able to both hook it up and install it.

Once things are settled, I’ll take a pic of the new mirror for you to see.

Making a lotta changes around here. I’ll put up pics when we’re done but my bathroom will (hopefully) look quite different soon(ish).

I moved into my building close to 30 years ago, which blows the mind.

Then, in 2004, my college buddy Buckley and I bought my pad and one of the first things we had to get was a shower rod.

That’s the one we installed some 21 years ago; it did its job all these years without issue.

Tossing it, finally.

It’s weird. It’s just an inanimate object that served a function.

Yet I hate change and like things to always stay status quo. Tossing it was more difficult than you might imagine.

But I’m trying my best to recognize that change is inevitable and it’s always better to accept change than fight it.

“Trying,” being the key participle here.

Location: listening to hammers in my back bathroom
Mood: trying to accept it
Music: love to go back to when we played as kids but things changed, that’s the way it is (Spotify)
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Logan’s 52

Looking down the ladder

Him: Sometimes it feels like everyone’s doing so much better than me.
Me: That’s cause you’re spending alla your time looking up the ladder at everyone that has more than you. You need look down every once in a while and see how much more you have than the rest of the world. 

This fella once said, We are what and where we are because we have first imagined it.

    • Living in Queens, there was once a time I dreamed of living in Manhattan.
    • Growing up as a fat kid, there was once a time I dreamed of being physically fit.
    • Being bullied throughout childhood, there was once a time I dreamed of living knowing how to fight.
    • Being a friendless kid as well, there was once a time I dreamed of having friends.
    • Being a fat, clumsy, nerdy, dude, there was once a time I thought I’d never be with a beautiful intelligent woman.
    • After struggling for years to have a kid, there was once a time I woulda given anything to have my son.
    • And I never imagined that I’d be part of a creative team that’s close to hitting a million followers…le wha?

I’ve found a lotta peace in my noisy brain these past few months because I’ve really been focusing on two things:

    1. That quote above where I realize that everything I have right now is stuff I once dreamed to have and then spent years struggling to get.
    2. Instead of being upset that I’m so far away from my next/latest dream, I’m realizing that I’m actually right in the middle of living the last dream I had.

I’m so grateful for all the things and people that I have in my life that I never thought I’d ever have.

Pretty sure that if 14-year-old me saw 52-year-old me, he’d be both shocked and impressed.

TBH, when I really think about it, 52-year-old me is shocked and impressed with my life.

We should all be shocked and impressed with our lives.

Location: earlier yesterday, Kalahari water park in PA
Mood: like I said, shocked and impressed
Music: looked great for nearly 53. Well, lucky you found me (Spotify)
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Memory Lane

Not that there’s anything wrong with that

After the Firecracker and I came back from her surprise shower, we then dashed off to our local dive bar – Malachy’s – and met up with my old roomie, Buckley.

We actually lived in the same dorm waaaaaay back in 1991 (!) and kept in touch after I left.

When he moved into the city, he and I became roomies and, after a few years, he and I bought our apartment together.

I remember that my dad had questions.

Dad: You…and Buckley…are buying an apartment? Together?
Me: Yeah, why?
Him: Well…is there anything else you wanna tell me?
Me: (puzzled) No, why? (thinking) OMG! No, we’re just friends. And poor. We’re poor friends. We can’t afford a place alone, so we need to pool our money together.
Him: Oh…
Me: (quickly) Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We’re just poor.

This is us in 1998, right before we bought the place.

I dunno what we were thinking with those sweaters or my goatee.

In any case, we met up at Malachy’s because that and Big Nick’s – which is where the main picture was taken – were the two greasy spoon dives that we always went to.

It’s weird. He looks like him just…older. And I’m the same.

We were literally kids when we met – like 17. And now his son is not that far off from the age when we first met.

Rain Noe, Logan Lo

And I’ve been chatting with Rain a lot these days.

He’s just dealing with some real estate issues and that’s kinda what I do.

That’s a pic of us back in 1998 downtown. I think at a joint called Stingy Lulu‘s (or Yaffa Cafe).

Big Nick’s is long gone – it closed back in 2013 and I wrote about it. I remember chatting with Alison about it.

Stingy Lulu’s has been gone for decades – as has Yaffa Cafe.

The thing about being 51 in 2025 is that I don’t really have any pictures or videos of some of the most seminal moments of my life.

This was a little bit after he moved out and Alison moved in.

Because, back then, cameras were crappy and usually just film or – in my case – crappy digital.

Did you know that your memories aren’t replayed, they’re reconstructed each and every time you remember them?

That means that every time you remember thing, there’s a (high) chance you’ll alter that memory a bit and those alterations keep piling up until you can’t trust your own memories anymore?

And that’s why I wish I had better pictures/videos to remember my possible pasts with.

Luckily, I have my friends to help me remember those memories.

Me: He was a quant at Long Term Capital, right?
Him: No, he was a programmer – he was on his way to being a quant when it imploded.
Me: Gotcha – I didn’t know that.

Unfortunately, I don’t have Alison here to remember the memories that mattered the very most to me.

Ah, fuck…

This is what my room looked like when it was just me and Buckley – two bachelors in the city.
A dragonfly from this entry in 2008. I have questions about that day but no one to ask.

Location: this morning, looking up therapists for various reasons
Mood: messy
Music: saw my life in a strangers face and it was mine (Spotify)
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First Chinese New Year Dinner

In the blink of an eye

Chinese New Year is probably the most important holiday for the Chinese.

I’d wanted to go see my mom that night, but I wasn’t able to for various reasons.

But I’d mentioned to the Firecracker how important it was, and she said we should just do a celebration here.

Her: What are we gonna have?
Me: Well, traditionally, you’re supposed to have: (a) A whole fish, (b) noodles, (c) dumplings, and (d) oranges – among other things.
Her: Wait, a whole fish? Like, with the head?
Me: Yup! It’ll be great.
Her: (hesitant)
Me: Food should look like food, baby. 

Legit, Americans eat so much processed food that real food looks weird to them.

Once met a woman that wouldn’t eat fried chicken because it looked too much like the animal it came from.

That relationship didn’t last long.

In any case, because there’s a new Korean supermarket near my pad now, most of what I needed was pretty easy to get.

Plus, I had just made some chicken stock the other day when I was making White Cut Chicken for everyone so that saved a lotta work.

The kids mainly liked the noodles and the store-bought dumplings, but I was just happy they enjoyed it.

The red envelopes were the biggest hits, I suppose.

Him: Two-dollar bills!?! What are those worth?
Me: Hmmm…two dollars?

Here’s hoping we’ll get to do this for a while.

If you wanna make white cut chicken, which is essentially a very gently poached chicken, try this recipe here.

It’s pretty foolproof and what my parents used to make us kids literally once a week while we were growing up.

@177milkstreet Perfect chicken is a joyous, lifelong pursuit, and there are many paths to success. Start at Chinese white-cooked chicken, which appeared in the very first issue of our magazine. Chris Kimball deems it “idiot-proof” (for this is social, after all, and we gotta get the views), but it really is a must-learn fundamental in your change the way you cook repertoire. Get the recipe for Chinese White-Cooked Chicken with Ginger-Soy Dressing via the link in our profile → @177milkstreet #milkstreetrecipe #poachedchicken #chickenrecipe #dinner #dinnerrecipe #easyrecipe #chicken #cooking ♬ original sound – Milk Street

Location: earlier tonight, a Japanese BBQ after the kid’s recital
Mood: frozen again
Music: you know I care but it’s so cold (Spotify)
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A birthday at Upland

These different capacities

My buddy around the way had a major milestone birthday the other day, right after we’d gone swimming over at Steel’s.

So, the Firecracker and I rushed home – already stuffed – to change to meet up with them.

The party was in a restaurant across the street from Alison’s office, so I had a few moments in my head, but we’ll just end that part of the story there.

When we arrived, the Maitre’d brought up to the lower level, which my friends had taken over for the party.

The Firecracker and I got to sit with the birthday boy, which I was super flattered by.

Me: I met Dave like 27 years ago.
Him: No, it was 24 and a half years ago – I know this because we met the day I started at this company and I’m coming up on 25 years soon.
Me: (laughing) I stand corrected.

Tried my best to not eat that much at Steel’s because I knew the food here wouldn’t disappoint…

…and it assuredly didn’t.

I was asked to say a few words, so I did.

This woman once said, Good things happen slowly, bad things happen fast. You don’t really know who’s gonna be important in your life and how life is gonna unfold until years go by. And somehow 25 years have passed. There are at least four people in this room that didn’t exist when we first met….I knew him [first] as a co-worker, and then my drinking buddy in the neighborhood – (to kids) we drank a lotta water – now I see him as a father, as a husband, and all these other things and it’s wonderful to see. It’s wonderful to see your friends in these different capacities that you didn’t know they were capable of.

Everything I said was true.

(c) Ken Landau

RE Mike was there, along with his wife, and so many other people that I met throughout the years.

I gotta say, the very best thing about getting older is the friends that keep you company along the way.

There was a killer premium open bar but, ever since the Surgeon’s party, I’ve been wary about overindulging…

…although I did cheat a bit on my no/low-carb rule and had a touch of cake.

There’s a lot more that happened but those are all other people’s stories so I’ll just say that we had an amazing time.

The Firecracker and I took a long walk from the East Side to the West Side, stopping at Madison Square Park to look at the tree…

…and take some pictures.

Her: Thanks for always including me to these kinda things.
Me: (puzzled) Of course. We’re a team.
Her: (smiling) I like that.
Me: Plus, I like to show you off. You’re super hot.
Her: (laughing)

Location: home, sans kids, cooking for the Firecracker
Mood: chilly
Music: We got talking about the past, I even made you laugh (Spotify)
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The kid’s getting older

It’s been nine years since that day

The kid’s birthday just passed.

It sucks because I can never just have it be a joyous thing. Like Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, the kid’s birthday is a complex affair for me, and probably others.

Alison collapsed just five days after he was born, and that was the beginning of the end.

He turned nine, which means that one of the worst days of my entire life happened nine years ago.

So, it tough being in a celebratory mood.

Having said that, I just wrote that I try – as best as I can – to shield the boy from what I can. This is no different.

I had his friends over for a pre-birthday party of sorts because it was Diwali this last Friday and his school was closed so that was fun.

Then we met up with the ABFF for a dinner of gyros and chix sandwiches (that was his choice).

 

Then we had a proper party with his friends and, just like last year, the Firecracker baked him a homemade cake with homemade frosting – low-carb(-ish, because I’m not a complete monster).

I don’t think he knows how hard I try to seem fine on his birthday.

That’s a good thing.

Pic from last year.

Location: earlier today, sleeping on my sister’s couch in the burbs
Mood: nostalgic
Music: I’m just tryinna make it last (Spotify)
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