Tag: hope

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personal

Fire and Ice

Bone-chilling

Her: Have you seen my cow slippers? It’s freezing.
Me: Since meeting you, I’ve heard sentences I’ve never heard ever in my life. Which is saying a lot, because I’m over half-a-century old.
Her: You told me I bring joy and light to your life.
Me: I say a lotta things.
Her: (glares)

It’s been bone-chillingly cold out here lately – and not just between the Firecracker and me.

Like, seriously bone-chilling:

But that also meant some snow and sledding out around here, which is a welcome thing for the kids.

Both kids were excited to get their snow on, so we were up insanely early to let them do it.

There was hardly anyone there when we first arrived.

But that was relatively short-lived.

Which is fine because the Firecracker and I were both freezing.

Her: I’m glad we’re leaving. I can’t feel my toes. (starts laughing).
Me: I can’t either. What are you laughing at?
Her: (pointing) That. Every time I come here, I see the remains of sleds that gave up the ghost.

My brother hates the snow and winter, which is why he lives in Pasadena.

But he and Paul have been dealing with the opposite problem of ice and snow, and that’s fire and ash.

Which sounds a lot like what we had to deal with here two years ago.

This is a pic of his backyard…

…usually, those pools are pristine.

Smoke and ash notwithstanding, he knows that he’s among the lucky ones, at least so far.

Paul and one of the Scenic Fights producers had to evacuate and one of them is just a few blocks from my brother’s pad.

Me: Can I post these pics?
Him: Sure, though what’s there is of course trivial compared to the sorts of calamities that befell houses up the way in Altadena. Those pics were from the morning of Tuesday the 8th, I think. The night before there were winds like I’ve only seen/heard maybe once before here in LA, it was nuts.
Me: Man…
Him: You know, I’m not sure I’ve used the word “befell” in a sentence befall.
Me: Are you proud of yourself here?
Him: It’s like Albert Shakespeare said, “Pride is a many-sided mirror.”
Me: (sighing)

Location: my living room, after the kid accidentally dropped his entire spaghetti dinner on the white rug
Mood: blargh
Music: You pulled the rug right out from under my life (Spotify)
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So, I did a thing

Past, Present, and Future

I rushed out the door of my in-laws because the Firecracker was all by her lonesome for Xmas.

For various reasons, she’s spent a lotta Christmases alone and I didn’t want her to have to do it again.

In any case, the train into the city was standing-room-only packed and this French woman was behind me and her teenage son – who was sniffling and coughing – was in front of me speaking to her with me in the middle of them.

I’m gonna get so sick, I thought.

More on that in a couplea entries.

Her: I was young. It was like the early 2000s.
Me: Oh man, I was already in my 30s then.
Her: Yeah, cause you’re old
Me: (sighing) Well, thanks for not saying “AF” after that sentence this time.
Her: You’re welcome – but I was thinking it.
Me: (nodding)

Do you remember when the Firecracker and I went to Pasadena together and we stopped by Tiffany’s?

While she was there, she tried on engagement rings, and we talked about what she liked and what she didn’t like.

Welp, I made some mental notes.

A few months ago, I ended up buying a Past, Present, and Future ring for her in her size because it just felt like it was time.

Was just waiting for the right moment to give it to her.

While I was walking around the hood the other day, walked past a local restaurant that we love and chatted with a young woman about maybe doing it there.

The young woman I spoke to was all for it.

Her: Are you available for a quick call sometime on Monday? I would love to discuss the details with you to surprise her! We have our Skylight room available that day.
Me: YES! Thank you!

There’s a LOT more to that story but we can end that part here.

Coincidentally, both my brother and SIL, as well as the Firecracker’s sister and BIL were in town, so I invited them to come by afterward to have dinner.

It was my brother and his wife that were kind enough to come early and set up to take pictures and videos of everything – and on Christmas Day to boot.

Decided to do it on Christmas Day since everyone was free and the restaurant had time and space.

One of these days, I’ll tell you how I got the Firecracker to come along without arousing suspicions.

So, after I left my in-laws, I hightailed it back to Manhattan and, with alla my gear and bags, went to the restaurant to make sure everything was ready.

Then I went back to home where I saw the Firecracker.

Me: Sorry I’m so late. Trains were a mess.

When I first met the Firecracker felt that there was something immediately familiar about her.

I think we know our people innately, and everything else is just confirmation.

I set her apart pretty much right when I met her.

So, I figured I should tell her that in a way that was also set apart.

Me: I promised you that you wouldn’t spend any more Christmases alone. So, Firecracker, will you marry me?
Her: (nods) Yes.
Me: (laughing) Well, alright…

Note: There’s no sound in the video.

Location: Back in frigid NYC
Mood: cough-y
Music: No doubt in my mind where you belong (Spotify)
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She didn’t come this far…

…to only go this far

Speaking of advice, a friend asked me to go with her to court to help her with a case she was involved in.

Well, a case she had to restart because of things way outta her control.

I’m not a court attorney but I know enough to at least tell her where to go and what to say.

We all need help finding our way, sometimes.

It’s good to have a friend during those times.

To this end, we went down to the courthouse the other day.

Me: I used to come here with my buddy Steele when we were both clerking for the same judge.
Her: That was a while ago.
Me: A lifetime ago, really.

The building directly in the center of the main picture is where Alison and I got married.

Now that feels like several lifetimes ago.

Going to court in NYC is a bit like going on a scavenger hunt, because, invariably, you gotta go to several different offices and speak with different people to get anything done.

While she didn’t get to accomplish everything that she intended that day, she got a bit closer to her ultimate goal, which is always a positive.

Afterward, we walked over to Chinatown to get some lunch – Taiwanese food over at Taiwan Pork Chop House.

Her: I never realized how close the courts are to Chinatown.
Me: That’s why there are so many lawyers that have lunch there.

Along the way, ran into not one but two Scenic Fights fans.

The first one was on the train ride down there.

Him: Excuse me, but do I know you? You look super familiar.
Me: Do you watch Scenic Fights?
Him: Yes!

The second was after we were done with court and went to Chinatown to get food.

Stuart: I love Scenic Fights!
Me: OMG, will you take a picture with me?
Him: Sure!

In the end, my friend didn’t get everything done that she wanted to get done, but it was a (good) start.

Court stuff is difficult, for sure.

But all difficult things are overcome, as long as you start – it’s the starting that usually the hardest part.

Her: Thanks for coming.
Me: Happy to help, although I’m not sure I did much.
Her: You did – we have a contact now and a plan.
Me: That’s more than you had before.
Her: Absolutely.

She didn’t come this far to only go this far.

Location: earlier today, a rooftop with Ricky and the Firecracker
Mood: fatty-fat-fat
Music: Knee deep in a muddy trench (Spotify)
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Two libraries and a biergarten

A tired brain and heart

Her: This is the last weekend that both kids are away before school starts. Do you wanna do something?
Me: I already planned something out.

I generally drink on May 24th and August 24th.

It just helps the day go by.

The Firecracker wanted to keep me company but also wanted to enjoy the beautiful day, so I brought her down to the roofdeck of the Stavros Niarchos Foundation Library.

If you’ve never been, you should stop by – it’s part of the NYC Public Library System and free.

So, bright and early on Saturday morning, we went there.

There was almost no one around when we got there.

It was gorgeous – both the place and the weather.

But, unfortunately, we could only stay for a little over an hour because there was so much construction going on around there.

This is what it used to look like, ages ago.

We were planning to walk down to Koreatown to get some Korean fried chix, but we didn’t make it too far because we took a detour at West 37th Street to check out Reichenbach Hall, a beer garden.

We got a liter of hard cider to split between the two of us…

…and ordered some brats and a schnitzel.

It was perfect.

Afterward, we went back to the main library on West 42nd.

Me: When I was studying for the bar, I came here a few days and just spend the day studying here. Feels like a million years ago.
Her: It’s gorgeous here!

I sat, roughly, where I sat some 28 years ago when I studied to pass the LSAT.

Afterward, we decided to try and walk home, which was good because we ran smack dab into a street fair.

Unfortunately, one of the pigeons took a liking to the Firecracker.

Her: I think it pooped on me.
Me: Sorry, baby. (brightening) Wait, we should buy a lottery ticket!

So, we walked over to Columbus Circle, where she got cleaned up, and then we took the train home.

Another year and another May 24th to August 24th, done.

I think it’ll always be hard, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I’ll tell you why sometime but not today.

My brain and heart are tired.

Location: videochatting with the Professor, refusing to believe we’re in our 50s
Mood: better, thanks
Music: you and I will be alright (Spotify)
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My stressful day…

…at the Hotel California

I write words and my brother writes music.

Years ago, he wrote me something while I was struggling. Dunno if I ever shared it with you.

I’d forgotten all about it because he sent it to me when I was still pretty muddle-headed but it came up between us, recently and I wanted to share.

He took words from my blog and put them to some electronica music he composed and called it: Logan’s Stressful Day.

In any case, here is below.

I definitely don’t have much musical talent – certainly nuthin like my mom and brother.

But it’s nice that my kid has it as well.

He’s actually going to be in the school talent show and he just started playing Hotel California recently – here’s his audition for it.

Just keep in mind that’s he’s only eight…

I joke with friends that I’m still hoping that he’ll be a surgeon or doctor versus a performer.

But in the end, I suppose I just want him happy and productive.

Although I do have some personal preferences.

Teacher: Your son (programmed) a game that my other students want to play. He has talent there.
Me: Great! I’ll take programmer, surgeon, or lawyer.
Her: (laughing) I’m sure one of those will happen.
Me: That’s the hope!

Location: my room, getting ready for a trip down south
Mood: injured
Music: And still those voices are calling from far away (Spotify)
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Happy New Year, 2024!

Wrestling with Angels

Was planning on writing this whole entry about my trip to Vienna but I thought I’d take a little sidetrack to wish you all a Happy New Year.

The Firecracker and I went to the Albertina Museum and saw the Michelangelo and Beyond exhibit and saw a whole buncha things that I could tell you about.

But the thing that stuck with me was the sculpture called The Wrestlers, which is actually not by Michelangelo but by an unknown Roman sculptor.

This is actually a copy but still…

The interesting thing about this sculpture is that it’s a pretty common move even today called the “cross-body ride,” and the top wrestler would probably move to a position called a twister or a guillotine.

You can see a ton of modern examples of this on YouTube.

Now, a decade ago, I wrote about Jacob wrestling the angel and, just like that wrestling move, a lotta what I wrote there is still applicable now.

I find wrestling such an interesting activity because – like the dumpling – every nation has its own version.

Because it’s such a human thing to do; it’s a hallmark of our very species.

Not just literally but figuratively as well. I think I’ve spent the last several years wrestling with my demons and still do.

Woulda been a lot more impressed with this sculpture if the artist put in cauliflower ears like the Greek Boxer of the Quirinal.

Still, we all wrestle with our fate and hope to overcome. One day we’ll be overcome ourselves.

I’m 50 now and I’ll be 51 in 2024.

Dunno how much longer I can actually wassle. But I hope that I’ma scuffle and struggle until I’m breathless and weak – both literally and figuratively.

Hope you do as well.

Here’s to the new year, everyone!

Location: yesterday, at a Viennese cafe with the Firecracker
Mood: missing the boy
Music: In the locust wind comes a rattle and hum; Jacob wrestled the angel and the angel was overcome (Spotify)
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Emotionally is a different matter

Intellectually, I know

My buddy Ricky stopped by my pad the other day because he was in the neighborhood…

Me: The Firecracker baked cookies, you want one?
Him: Sure! (later) Is that real milk [in the coffee]?
Me: Shoot, yes. I shoulda thought about that.

…and Bryson gave me a ring to see how I was doing. I’m guessing they read up on my mom and wanted to make sure we were all ok.

Bryson: Dude, next time, before you rent a car, gimme a call. I’m happy to pick you up and get you to your mom.
Me: Thanks, man. I appreciate that. But, what’s going on with you?
Him: Nah, man, I didn’t call to talk about me, I called to check in on you.

I’m grateful for old friends that check in with me to make sure that I’m ok.

Speaking of being ok, I’ve been seeing a therapist for some time now.

She asked me this past week the details of what happened with Alison.

Me: Oh, I thought I told you.
Her: You only told me that she died and your struggles with everything. You never told me the details.

So, I did.

About halfway through it all, I realized that she was crying. By the time I wasdone, she was pretty emotional – well, as emotional as a professional can get.

Her: (drying her eyes) That’s a lot for you to have dealt with.
Me: She dealt with more.
Her: Well, thank you for sharing with me. And you should be kinder to yourself.

Told her that I felt guilty that I was alive and got to spend alla this time with the kid and she didn’t.

She only got to hold him once.

Just writing that sentence fills me with both sadness, anger, guilt, and a bevy of other emotions I can’t fully express with my limited vocabulary.

Her: There’s useful guilt and useless guilt.
Me: (nodding) I know. Intellectually, I know. Emotionally is a different matter.

Such a different matter.

Location: In my head again for a bit
Mood: worn-down
Music: My mind, it likes replaying my regrets all night. My pain, I hide (Spotify)
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Flashy Hot Dogs

Hope is a tricky thing

Yesterday was National Hot Dog Day and the Firecracker has a soft spot in her heart for hot dogs so I grilled some up for us and her kid.

Did you know that some McDonalds used to sell hot dogs? It was only for a brief time.

Prob for the best; I’m not sure a lotta people would go to McDonald’s to order a hot dog.

I saw The Flash when it came out because he was always one of my favourite superheroes – mainly because super speed is the only power I think really matters.

That’s an entry for another day, I suppose.

But, while I don’t think it deserved to be as maligned as much as it has been, I wanted to tell you why I think the movie failed.

As a comic book nerd, I always gravitated more towards DC comics than Marvel comics, even though I really liked both.

See, Marvel likes to ground its characters in realism – the teenage Peter Parker trying to make ends meet while dealing with massive guilt, the alcoholic Tony Stark, the rage-filled, revenge-seeking Frank Castle, etc.

Comparatively, DC heroes are like otherworldly gods – Superman is essentially a god from the heavens, The Flash is as fast and mercurial as Mercury, Wonder Woman is a goddess.

The thing about these gods, though, is that they are innately good, and – more than anything – bastions of hope.

The Pastor and I discussed this ages ago.

Me: Did you like Man of Steel?
Him: No, because he killed Zod. Snyder doesn’t understand Superman never kills. He doesn’t understand that Batman doesn’t use guns. He doesn’t understand what makes them…them. DC Comics are all about hope. But Synder’s film have no joy, no hope. It’s all spectacle without heart.

And that, I think, is why The Flash bombed.

It’s one of the saddest and darkest superhero films out there; everyone and everything is disposable. Heroes are introduced merely to die. No one and nothing matters.

Look, don’t get me wrong, I understand that tragedy is a part of life.

Fuck, if anyone’s life is a tragedy, it’s mine (albeit, fulla joy).

Plus, there’s nuthin wrong with a cinematic tragedy; but kids trying to see their fave hero on the big screen – especially a DC-based one – want the good guys to win.

Evil to be overcome. Good to prevail.

Goddammit, I thought my own tragedy wouldn’t actually be one. Thought we would prevail. But I was wrong.

I digress.

In any case, just like you don’t go to McDonalds for a hot dog, you don’t go to a DC based film to leave feeling hopeless.

And that – not just the bad CGI (which I didn’t hate) and the foibles of the main actor – is why I think the movie failed.

That, and hope is a tricky thing to mess with.

After all these years, I still don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Location: home, using an impact drill to drill into my brick wall for the boy
Mood: full – I way overdid it on my goat curry tonight
Music: Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone (Spotify)
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Oh, how I wish you were here

Proud of ourselves

The Firecracker was busy for most of the following day but we met up for a walk to the pier near my pad when she was free.

There was a salsa party going on so we had to fight our way through that to make it to the edge of the pier, but it was worth it.

Me: What are you thinking?
Her: These are the times where I think, I can’t believe that I live here.

This fella named Richard Ford once said, The more we see our parents fully, see them as the world does, the better our chances to see the world as it is.

The boy just got his first red stripe in BJJ, which is kinda a big deal – certainly to him, if nuthin else.

Him: LOOK, LOOK! (shows me) Are you proud of me?
Me: Of course. But that’s not as important as if you’re proud of yourself. Are you proud of yourself?
Him: (beaming) Yes!
Me: That’s the most important thing, kid. Do things that make yourself proud of yourself, not me or anyone else.

Finding that I miss my dad the most when I want to ask him things about me when I was the kid’s age.

I mean, my mom’s still around and she and I talk about these things but I wonder what my dad was thinking when I was the kid’s age and doing similar things.

Realize all the times that my dad was right – and wrong – about things. I so wish he was here to talk about it all.

If he was, I wish I could tell him that I understand now, so much more about him than I ever did.

Wish I could tell him that I loved him, still do, and always will.

I wonder if he’d be proud of me. Then again, I think I did the best I could with everything I was given.

In that sense, then, I’m proud of myself.

Still, I wish he was here.

Although, truthfully, I always wish the people I loved were here with me.

Him: You looked like this again (makes face). Were you thinking of mommy again?
Me: (smiling, shaking head) I always think of her, but at that moment, I was thinking of my papa.
Him: (hugs me) I’m sorry, daddy.
Me: Thanks, kid. You’re my faves.
Him: YOU’RE MY FAVES!
Me: (laughing, hoping that I’ll stay in his top 10 forever)

Location: getting a second free soda at a street party because the person wanted a pic of me
Mood: hollowed
Music: how I wish you were here (Spotify)
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That sounds like fun

Making plans

One thing that I’m learning as a parent is that summer stuff needs to be planned super early.

I’ve already got a surprise trip planned for the kid as well as a few weeks of things here and there but trying to fill up an entire summer is daunting, lemme tell ya.

Hopefully, we’ll have some stories to tell you after the summer’s over.

Boy: Will you come to Germany with me?
Me: Sure! I love Germany. That sounds like fun.

Met up with the Firecracker and her sister the other day for an early dinner.

Conveniently, her sister also lives in the Upper Best Side, so that made things easy and we just met up at a local bar around us.

I’ve been really into fish and chips lately, plus this place had sweet potato fries, so that made things even better.

She just had a burger, which I always approve of.

Her: Look, they branded the burger with their initials!
Me: Ooooh, fancy!

Her sister speaks Japanese, which was pretty cool.

I’d just bought a new camera (I’ll tell you about that later) and she was actually looking at the one I was seriously considering before I ended up choosing something else entirely.

In any case, my brother, sister, and I, plus my cousins were all talking about a summer 2024 trip back to Taiwan and I asked them if they would be interested in coming along as well.

Firecracker: That sounds like fun!
Sister: I’ve never been but it’s on my list of places to visit.
Me: Sweet, we’ll plan something out.

It feels weird planning things for the future with the kid. Weirder with the Firecracker.

There’s something inherently hopeful about planning for the future.

The last decade has seriously fucked with my head when it comes to being hopeful.

Even before everything went to shit, I was always cautious about being too hopeful about anything.

After all, the more you hope for things, the harder you crash if they fall apart.

Then again, what is life if not somewhat hopeful?

Her: The kids are away that week, do you want to go somewhere?
Me: (long pause) Sure. That sounds like fun.

Holy cow, one of my videos has 10 MILLON views on it.

It’s yet another thing that’s kinda hard for me to wrap my head around.

Location: the alley next to my pad, looking for the kid’s lost AT keychain.
Mood: hopeful
Music: All these lights turning from red to green (Spotify)
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