Author: Logan Lo

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Giving it time

My talented friends

So far, the second shot has been a disappointment as well. But it’s still early yet.

I’m still hoping that the two together – plus the oral steroids that I took some months back plus the ridonk amount of PT that I’m doing – will result in some improvement.

Anything, really.

Been hanging around with another surgeon from my gym who thinks I should just keep getting the shots.

We met up for a drink and some food the other day where I picked his brain about my situation.

Me: So far, these two shots haven’t done a thing.
Him: Dude, steroids work. I had three shots and was good for years. Give it time.

I’m not sure what to do.

One of the guys I do kali with – and he started 13 years before me, which means, he’s been doing it for 33 years – happens to be an acupuncturist and offered for me to get checked out at his clinic.

What’s crazy is that it was literally the building next door to the place I had the shots.

My life is so fulla odd coincidences.

So, I went where he essentially beat the crap outta me for 90 minutes – it was painful, but I felt pretty good afterward.

Me: How much do I owe you?
Him: Oh, it’s on the house. We’re old friends.
Me: Dude, you spent an hour with me…
Him: Actually, it was 90 minutes.
Me: That’s even worse!

But he wouldn’t take anything from me. What a nice guy.

It’s too early to say if it did anything but it was, if nuthin else, an amazing massage.

It’s nice to have such disparate and talented friends.

Now if I could just have a working back…

Location: home, with a bad back a lot on my mind
Mood: so disappointed
Music: had no warning about who you are (Spotify)
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Bro, these are precious

Licking off knives

The Devil once said something about his childhood that always stuck in my mind:

When you aren’t fed what you need by spoons, you learn to lick what you can off knives.

Never really understood what he meant by that until I became a dad myself, but I think it means that children will fill themselves with something, so it’s best that you do it before they do it themselves with things you may or may not want.

To this end, I’ve been trying my darndest to give him things that I loved as a child, like the books that made me, me or shows that I loved as a kid.

Obviously, he’ll find things of his own that he’ll know and love.

But sometimes I feel it’s a losing battle against the allure of technology and…screens.

Man, screens are crack for kids.

BUT there is one single thing that I loved as a kid that the kid loves as well: Board and card games.

So, the other day, instead of playing Big Two – which we’ve been playing pretty consistently around here – we dusted off the ole Settlers of Catan.

Man, I still remember playing with Paul and my friends way back when and coming home to Alison. That was a lifetime ago.

I digress…

The kids were really into it this time because they understood the rules and strategy, so it was a lot more fun.

While I ended up winning the game, for me, the high point of the whole evening came early on when we were all desperate for bricks.

The kid was the only one with any – he had just one – so we were all trying to cut a deal with him when he looks at the Firecracker’s kid dead in the eye and goes, You wanna trade that for this brick?! No way, bro, these are precious!

AND, I just happened to snap a pic right when he said it – that’s the pic directly above.

Laughed so hard I almost started crying.

That will be in the top ten memories for me and this kid for a while, I think.

Location: at a new studio, filming more shorts and video
Mood: drained
Music: with you, I am whole (Spotify)
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An old Chinese man that cooks for you

Re-seasoning my carbon steel pan

Me: You now have access a stand mixer, food processor, and…(thinking)…and an old Chinese man that cooks for you.
Her: Oooooh, that last one’s my favorite.

Steel and I are friends for two reasons: (a) We both hate people, and (b) we both like to cook – although I’ll be the first to admit that he’s a FAR better cook/chef than I.

One thing that he did turn me onto was a carbon steel pan, because I’m always so worried about environmental factors when it comes to the kid’s health.

I’ve really learned to love this pan because it works so well and I know that the kid’s not getting anything but oil and steel from it.

Unfortunately, the Firecracker – because she’s always looking to help out around here – decided to clean the pan the other day and put a wet pot on it.

You can see the results above.

It took me pretty much all morning to grind out all the rust and then all afternoon to re-season it.

But it works good as new again.

Seriously, this thing rocks.

It turns out, though, that I’m not the only one with this issue.

Steel gifted the Surgeon a larger 12″ pan, and his wife put it in the dishwasher.

So, one night when we were all over, Steel rolled his sleeves up and took it back down to bare metal again and re-seasoned it on the stovetop.

Hey, everyone needs a hobby.

And this is one of my few hobbies that doesn’t involve either copious amounts of violence or massive nerdiness.

Ok, one outta two isn’t all that bad.

Location: 7PM, my local polling station, enjoying democracy…for now
Mood: exhausted
Music: light the match to watch it blow (Spotify)
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Spinal Epidural No 2

Well, that didn’t work

Welp, that spinal epidural I did last month didn’t do jack.

As I said, it’s the last step before surgery so my doc suggested that I get another one.

So, last week, headed to the other side of town, went to the office, and did a round two.

The first shot I did was a more modern version of a spinal epidural in that it went directly into my nerve.

For that one, I felt a slight pinch with the lidocaine and barely felt the actual steroid injection.

Was in and out in 20 minutes total with the actual procedure like 2-3 mins, tops.

But this last one I just did was vastly different than that first one.

Firstly, this new shot(s) went into my spine.

Secondly, it was a completely different doc that did the procedure because the first fella actually transferred to a different office.

Now, the first lidocaine shot went in fine.

I think because it went into my spine, he needed two, so he put in another one.

That second one messed up somehow and literally exploded all over my back; it felt exactly like I’d been hit hard with a small water balloon.

It was jarring, to say the least.

After they cleaned that up, they did a third lidocaine shot.

Then he put in the first shot and said, “You’ll feel some pressure and some feeling in you right leg.”

He was right; it felt like a bad day of sciatica and as if he was kinda twisting the needle around in my back.

It wasn’t insanely painful – like a 3 outta 10 – but it also wasn’t fun.

He then asked if I was ok and if I could handle more.

I said yes.

Welp, he then really pumped a MASSIVE amount of steroids into my spine. So much that either that or my own spinal fluid was all over my back when he was done.

After this procedure – which was like 20 minutes total – I was nauseated the rest of the day, dry heaving, and in pain since I left.

The Firecracker counted six punctures in my back that night.

Plus, I woke up at 4AM completely wired from the steroids.

It’s gonna take a few days to figure out if this latest round of shots did anything but here’s hoping…

Location: West 74th Street in the middle of the night, picking up some Prosecco
Mood: oddly, not hungry
Music: I’m pushing through it, you know (Spotify)
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So long and so completely

Happy birthday, mom

Two big things happened recently. The first was awful.

Saw a good buddy of mine the other day and he looked…off.

So, I asked him what was up. His wife answered for him.

His mother died this past Friday.

Instantly, I thought of my dad and my mom, and – of course – Alison.

When I lost my grandmother all those years ago, it was the first close loss I’d ever had.

The losses never stopped once it started.

That’s how it goes for everyone.

But no one’s really prepared for the loss of a parent, to say nothing of the loss of a spouse.

My dad said it himself when his own mom died, long after his own dad died:

I feel unmoored from my past, like a leaf in the wind or a ship on the waves.

Lines I stole from him years ago.

In any case, I took my buddy out for a drink over the weekend and just heard his (and his mom’s) story, which I’ll end here because it’s not mine to tell.

Me: This is why alcohol was invented, man.

The second was the opposite.

My own mom turned a milestone birthday, one that I’m grateful she was able to reach.

My sister came up with the brilliant plan to have many of our relatives from all over – including Taiwan – to video call her at the same time and wish her well.

As an aside, I usually put up pictures that don’t include my kid sister and only include my brother and me because, by the time she was born, I was already a fatty-fat-fat.

Anywho, getting back to my mom and the video call, she’s not one for pomp and circumstance but I could tell she was touched by the gesture.

I know that, at some point, I will have to go through what my buddy is going through and I’m not – at all – prepared for it.

Don’t think we’re ever prepared to say goodbye to the people we’ve loved so long and so completely.

Ok, that’s my sister when she came home from the hospital. I can put pics of her up so long as I’m not in them.

When I think of my mom, the faces you see above is the face I always see in my head when I think of her.

She’ll always be that young and beautiful to me.

I wish everyone we love can always stay.

Doubt that I’m alone in this.

But that’s not the deal, and we have to accept it, however hard it is.

Me: Even I have to go someday.
Him: But…what if you don’t, papa?
Me: That’s the deal, kid. We all have to go at some point so someone else gets a chance.
Him: (hopefully) But maybe it’ll be different for you.
Me: (laughing) Ok, kid. Maybe. We’ll just have to wait and see. Go do your math.

Happy birthday, mom.

Location: In the rain, picking up my treasure
Mood: nauseated
Music: seen it all the tears have fallen (Spotify)
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His first haircut (with me)

And our civic duty

We voted together the other night.

They keep moving my polling station; it used to be right across the street then a few blocks north, then a few blocks east.

This time around, I thought it was at my kid’s school, but I read the address wrong.

Staffer: Sorry, you’re at another polling station – but it’s literally one block away.
Me: Oh, man…

Luckily, it was.

So, after a nice little walk – where we were accosted by people we didn’t know…

Them: Can we ask who you’re voting for?
Me: Nope.

…we found the right place, stepped in, did our civic duty, and high tailed it home.

Her: I think it’d be good for the kids to see us vote, or at least know we did.
Me: Agreed. Not enough people do it and we gotta lead by example.

Here’s hoping for some good news moving forward.

The kid’s never really cared about how he looks.

Until recently, that is.

When Alison was sick, and his hair got unruly, I just buzzed it for him.

Then Alison’s mom and he started having this nice little ritual where she takes him to get a haircut around her pad, which I find really sweet.

Unfortunately, with the exception of that brief visit the other day, he’s not really been able to spend much time with them to get a haircut with them so…I took him out for his first haircut (with me).

It affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

I suppose because it’s yet another first I got to experience, and Alison didn’t. Everything is bittersweet.

We can stop talking about that now.

Anywho, he picked out his hairstyle himself. You’d like it, I think.

He wishes he could grow up faster and I wish he would slow down.

Neither of us will get our way, which is probably how it’s always been with fathers and sons.

Him: What do you think, papa?
Me: You look great kid! Good choice. More importantly, do *you* like it?
Him: Yeah!
Me: Well, then that’s really the important thing, then.

Location: earlier today, getting stabbed multiple times in the back with a needle
Mood: ouch
Music: don’t wanna sit still, look pretty (Spotify)
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Halloween 2025

Missing every transfer

Me: Hola! We didn’t see you at the Halloween party tonight.
Neighbor: I know! We’re at [our daughter’s] friend’s house. Tradition is ending as kids are getting older.
Me: I get it, but it still bums me out!

For the first time in years, we didn’t go trick-or-treating with our neighbors this year…sorta.

See, we’re actually friends with multiple people and families in the building next door although the family we normally trick-or-treat with are our oldest ones.

In any case, we ended up going – me and the kid and the Firecracker and her kid – and had a grand time as usual.

It’s that whole, The more things change, the more things stay the same, kinda thing.

On that note, we’d not seen Alison’s parents in a while, and I’d also not seen my mom and sis in a while.

So, that Sunday, while the Firecracker ran some errands, the kid and I took the PATH to Hoboken and met up with my SIL where we hitched a ride with her to her parents.

There, we had a really quick lunch with them before my SIL drove us back to Hoboken so we could try and make a train to see my mom.

Him: We spent more time traveling than we did with grandma and grandpa!
Me: (thinking) Yup, that’s true. Four hours traveling but only 90 minutes with them.

We literally *just* missed the train. Crazy how one small change can have such drastic consequences.

Unfortunately, we missed the PATH train by just a couple of minutes but that set off a whole set of cascading consequences that ended up with the Firecracker waiting over two hours for us and my sister and mom, one.

See, because we missed the PATH train, we also missed the straight shot from Penn Station to my mom’s pad.

So, we rush to the subway and caught an N train to try and catch a quick transfer to a 7 train to transfer to another train to see my mom.

But the marathon, which was happening that day, messed alla that up as well.

We ended up missing pretty much every transfer and didn’t end up seeing my family until an hour later.

The Firecracker didn’t say a single word about our being two hours late for her.

Yet another reason why she rocks.

To make it up to her, I let my mom show her a TON of fat pics of me.

Me: You don’t know what a Chinese bowl cut is?
Her: Show me. (looks) It’s just a bowl cut, Logan. Just because you’re Chinese doesn’t make it a Chinese bowl cut. Is your toothbrush a Chinese toothbrush because you use it?
Me: I don’t think I like your tone right now.

Did I ever mention to you that she was a drummer for years?

Well, she also showed the kid and his cousins some of the basics of that.

It was a fun, if not completely exhausting, day.

In any case, because of daylight savings time, it felt like midnight when we got home but…

Me: I can’t believe it’s only 8:30PM.
Her: I know. I’m exhausted. I need a nap.
Me: Nap?! I was on eight trains and three cars today across two states. I’m going to bed.
Her: Aw, does my old man need to go to bed?
Me: OMG, yes.

Location: tonight, my local polling station, enjoying democracy…for now
Mood: exhausted
Music: you’re right where you’re supposed to be (Spotify)
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More than usual

I have problems

The rain from Hurricane Melissa was pretty bad here in the city but I was stuck in a doctor’s office being told that the only option for my back was another shot before surgery.

As soon as I was done, rushed back – “rushed” being a loose term because the city was really moving at a snail’s pace – but oddly, the pad was bone dry.

It was really weird.

With the amount of water that came down here, the entire unit shoulda seen some serious water damage and yet…not.

Welp, not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth and take my wins where I find them.

Me: I’m still hungry.
Her: You just ate like 40 pieces of sushi. How is that possible?
Me: (shrugging) I have a big brain.
Her: (laughing) The brain doesn’t use that much energy.
Me: The average brain weighs 2% of the body’s mass but uses 20% of the body’s calories. (thinking) I gotta think I’m at least 21%.

Been on a diet again, but not for Scenic Fights, actually. Got a new little project I’ll tell you about once it’s closer to done.

But it’s been a struggle just because I can’t seem to get full for some reason worse than usual for some reason.

A buddy of mine suggested that I’m hungrier than my usual ridic level of hunger because I’ve been working out a bit more with my physical therapy.

But it seems such a tiny additional burden to me that it can’t possibly justify the amount of food I’m taking in.

In any case, my goals are super modest – like five pounds or so just to look better in a suit for something.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Me: OMG, look at those sammies!
Her: Logan…we just ate.
Me: I know, I know, I know…I have problems…

Location: all over NJ, Manhattan, and Queens today
Mood: pooped
Music: we all have a hunger (Spotify)
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Hey, little guy

We love you so

We were all having dinner the other night when the kid asked me, “What happened the night I was born?”

I glitched.

I couldn’t really remember.

That’s not wholly unexpected because a lotta people experience difficulty recalling moments before a traumatic event causea stress hormones interfering with memory encoding.

And, just a few days after my kid was born, I got the worst possible news that I could ever imagine so if that’s not trauma, I dunno what is.

I walked up these stairs three days after Alison collapsed to stay with her. I’d gone home to shower, I think. Don’t really remember.

The thing is that this is part of why I take so many pictures.

Cause I know I’ll forget things if I don’t.

Unfortunately, there are three years of pictures that I almost never look at because they wreck me.

I took the least amount of pictures the year the kid was born because it was one tragedy after another – even before Alison got sick.

It’s why I stopped writing the blog during that time. It was all so sad.

And it only got worse.

Took a lot in 2017 for reasons I’ll tell you about someday, maybe.

For this entry, I looked back to see if there were any pictures I could use or memories it might jar but they were all horrible, so I bailed.

I literally have like four pictures that don’t make me wanna dry heave.

This is one of the few I have that don’t.

The kid is less than a week old in this. His mom had just been told she was sick. It was a shitshow. I don’t remember much of any of this, I’m just going by the timestamp.

Cancer is like the shitty gift that keeps on taking.

I’ve been thinking about my dad almost daily these days as well, for a buncha reasons that I’ll (also) probably tell you about onea these days.

I did remember one good thing, though.

Him: Well, do you remember what you first said to me?
Me: (nodding, smiling) Yeah, that I do. I said, “Hey, little guy. 爸爸媽媽好愛你. (Papa and mama love you so.)”

Location: another doctor’s office, being told my options
Mood: drenched
Music: thinking ’bout those days, these days (Spotify)
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Construction time again

We really don’t have them all that long

Me: I just realized something.
Her: What?
Me: The kid’s gonna be moving out in just seven more years. That seems so insanely quick.
Her: (nodding) Yeah. We really don’t have them all that long.
Me: OMG, I’m so bummed out suddenly…

Came across this article recently from the oldest practicing – 101 – doctor in America.

He said that he thinks the single most important thing that people can do to stay healthy throughout their lives is to keep moving, something I just said myself recently.

So, obviously, I agree with that.

But, between my friend who just got discharged from the hospital, to me with my crap back, I feel that, at some point, it’s just fighting against the tides.

Everything is about maintenance, I’m not really growing anymore. I’m just trying to deteriorate at a slower rate than most people my age.

Which I think I’m accomplishing.

I’m just shocked that more people aren’t doing everything they can to stave off the inevitable.

Me: It just seems crazy to me – do people not think it’s gonna happen to them?
Her: Getting older? I think they don’t really consider that working out or eating healthfully will really make all that much of a difference.
Me: That’s crazy.
Her: (shrugging) I honestly don’t think a lotta people realize it’s an option.

On that note, I look at the kid and realize that, unlike me, he’s improving every day.

He’s getting stronger and smarter and better each day, and I’m thrilled for him and for it. That’s how it should be.

I just wish he doesn’t have to deteriorate like all humans do.

Then again, that’s what it means to be human, I suppose.

Location: my kid’s bunkbed, looking for missing screws from all the construction around here that have vibrated them off
Mood: prickly
Music: Everything counts in large amounts (Spotify)
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