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Grief is the price you pay for wonderful things

It is a concern

Headed back out to middle-of-nowhere Brooklyn again the other day to pick up the kid from his sleepaway camp.

He was grinning ear-to-ear when I got him.

Him: Papa!
Me: Hey, kiddo! Man, you got dark! I hope you put on some sunscreen. How was it?

He told me that he had a great time and made a lotta new friends, which was exactly what I was hoping to hear.

When we packed, I asked if he wanted to bring his guitar and he said yes, so we did just that.

Well, it turns out that it’s a good thing that we did because he ended up playing for everyone twice.

The first time was at a talent show…

…but the second time was on the last full day, where he played for the entire camp.

Me: What song did you sing?
Him: Riptide!

I shot the picture below to my MIL.

Me: I wish we could do something about his quiet and reserved nature…
Her: It is a concern

The only thing that bummed me out was that he told me that when it was his turn to talk about Alison, he said that he was ok because he didn’t remember her enough to miss her.

That absolutely gutted me, but I didn’t say anything, because we have to let true things be true.

Then again, if he remembered her, he wouldn’t be functional.

Because all she ever wanted was to be his mom and he would have been devastated at losing her.

On that note, he did get super sad that night at dinner.

Him: (sadly) I miss all my friends.
Me: (gently) Then that means you had a wonderful time. Grief is the price you pay for wonderful things.
Him: But it’s so hard.
Me: (nodding) We’re always gonna miss wonderful things when they’re gone. That’s why I miss your mom all the time, because she was my wonderful thing.

Location: heading out to dinner at the Flatiron to meet my SIL’s new fella
Mood: curious
Music: I got a lump in my throat ’cause you’re gonna sing (Spotify)
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Way less sad

Taking it every day I can

KG Betty: I just moved a few weeks ago; once I’m settled in it’ll all start sinking in. How about you? Still super happy? I hope everything is good with you!
Me: I wouldn’t say I’m super happy but you just reminded me of a song I’ve been listening to called “Way Less Sad.” It’s got a line goes, “I’m not happy yet, but I’m way less sad.”

Been chatting with KG Betty again.

She reached out to me a few times while Alison was sick but I couldn’t pull myself together enough to chat with her.

Or anyone, really.

Afterward, I was even more of a mess.

But, she always kept in touch, something I really appreciated. And she’s been dealing with her own stuff these days so I reached out to her.

Like I always said, old friends are such a valuable thing to have in your life.

I’m grateful for the ones that have stuck around.

Speaking of friends, my buddy Katrina was in my area the other day.

Her boyfriend was part of a bartending contest at our fave rum joint, Tiki Chick, to raise money for EPIC: Empowering Pacific Islander Communities.

Wanted to go – both to see them and because it’s my regular rum joint – but I was dealing with more tech issues, which I’ll tell you about one of these days.

Me: Sorry, was a crazy busy day with my network going down. Very annoying.
Her: That sucks. But it’s okay – you’re a busy guy

It’s a shame that I couldn’t make it but I figure they’ll do something like this again in the future and I can make it next time.

Until then, back to fixing this @#$@#$! network…

What I told KG Betty and my buddy Owen is true and I think that pretty much sums up my entire mindset these days.

I think that once someone deals with a double-whammy loss like I did, happy is something that seems very quaint and far away.

Way less sad is a win in my book and I’ll take it every day I can.

Obviously, the Firecracker has a lot to do with this, so I’m grateful for her as well.

Location: The New Cottage with my two tiny roommates
Mood: tech-y
Music: you’re so insane – shut up and just enjoy this feelin’ (Spotify)
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Did you just lap me?

Din Tai Mars 2112

Me: (laughing)
Her: What’s so funny?
Me: I just read this woman in her 20s writing about online dating and meeting men that married and divorced. She wrote, “It’s a trip when you go on a date with a divorced person and think, ‘Did you just lap me?'”

Decades ago, I worked a lot in NYC clubs – which is all I’ll say on the matter – and one such club I worked at was Mars 2112.

It was a Mars/space-themed restaurant that was enormous at 33,000 SF.

HUGE is an understatement.

It opened in 1998 and closed (ironically) in 2012.

Well, Din Tai Fung took over a chunk of that space and, despite it not being the entire space, man did it feel huge.

If you aren’t familiar with Din Tai Fung, it’s a major upscale Taiwanese restaurant chain with 170 locations worldwide with the Manhattan one as one of their flagships.

The main picture of this entry is just of its staff making dumplings. That’s a lotta dumplings, man.

Anywho, earlier last week, one of the Firecracker’s closest friends, the Liberian, was in town with her husband.

They have a cool story in that they sold off their home and most of their possessions here and bought a villa in Spain where they’re living their best lives.

The one negative is that they’re not getting the level of quality Chinese food they were getting when they were here in NYC.

So, that’s how we ended up at Din Tai Fung.

I’d actually been to the one in Taiwan before but that was it, and decades ago. So having it was a treat.

The food was pretty killer, as I expected, if not super carb-y, as I also expected.

Her: Carbs aren’t that bad.
Me: I gotta disagree – one in three teens here are prediabetic.

Anywho, it was weird being back in that space because it felt familiar yet very different.

On a related note, I should mention that the gym I go now also used to be a club that I also worked at.

Living in NYC your whole life means that things start to make laps in your life.

Wonder what these joints will be like in another few years.

Location: a street fair with an angel and her kid
Mood: full
Music: “Lonely or alone?” Way to Mars by Somersault & Xavier Naidoo (can’t find it anywhere)
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Concert: Andy Grammer at Pier 17 2025.07.18

A Night at the Seaport

After Patrick Droney’s set, things were quiet for almost 45 minutes before Andy hit the stage.

But when he did, he did it with his typical high energy, which everyone in the crowd appreciated.

Here’s him singing a covers mashup before sliding into his own song, Fresh Eyes, a song that I’ll talk to you about one of these days.

Her: Man, he hasn’t been off pitch all night.
Me: I wouldn’t know but I’ll take your word for it.

The Firecracker knew pretty much every song by him and sang along the whole night.

It was great to see her so happy.

Me: Having a good night?
Her: I’ve got Andy Grammer, my guy, and a beautiful summer night. So, yeah.

The crowd was really into it as well. Like I said, the man gives a great concert – if you get a chance to catch him life, you totally should.

Here’s him playing a song I love called Monster, which I absolutely relate to.

Afterwards, the Firecracker and I took a little walk around the South Street Seaport.

Living in NYC my whole life means that I’ve seen a lotta changes – and man, has the Seaport changed a lot since I was kid.

But that’s a story for another time, I suppose.

Location: humid and wet NYC
Mood: sweaty
Music: You dress up just a little and I’m like, “Oh, damn” (Spotify)
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Concert: Patrick Droney at Pier 17 2025.07.18

A Surprise(ish) concert

Her: What?! Oh no!!
Me: What happened?
Her: I just got a text that our concert is tonight.
Me: What? No, it’s not. It’s in August.

Was making dinner on Friday when I heard the Firecracker yell out, so I quickly went into the room to see her on her phone, quite perplexed.

We’d bought tickets for an Andy Grammer – we’re both big fans – and Patrick Droney concert from someone that couldn’t make the show, and it turns out that they pushed up the date of the show over a month from the original date.

Evidently, they didn’t let us know.

So, we literally shoved alla the food I’d made into our faces and dashed off downtown.

Had to tell my kali class and the Radiologist – who was gonna stop by the class – that we couldn’t make it that night.

Me: OMG, we just got an email which is wild; a concert that we booked for August 23rd was resecheduled for tonight! This is the first we heard of it. Literally just got an email right this second.
Him: Enjoy the concert! I’d do Andy Grammar first second and third.

So, off we went.

We were there in less than 30 minutes – living in the middle of Manhattan does have its perks.

The weather and venue were absolutely perfect.

And we were right up near the stage.

So, we had amazing views and sounds.

Patrick Droney was the opening act, and I was actually a fan of his song, Stand and Deliver, which I didn’t get a chance to record.

But, as good as he was, we were there to see Andy and, man, did he deliver.

That fella throws a concert, lemme tell ya…

But I’ll write more about that in the next entry.

Until then, here he is performing one of my fave songs, Honey I’m Good, which is just so catchy.

More Andy in the next entry.

Dude rocks in concert. Literally.

Location: home
Mood: beat
Music: I’ll stand and deliver for you (Spotify)
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Another school year almost over

Still showing up

Him: Are you sure you’re gonna come?
Me: I haven’t missed one yet, have I?
Him: No…I just wanted to make sure.

It’s been super busy here for a multitude of reasons, least of which is that the kid is winding up his school year.

This means that there’s one event after another, of varying degrees of entertainment.

The first was his end of year recital, where he played a cover of Billie Eilish’s Lovely on the guitar.

I should mention that the Firecracker’s never missed a single one – which is something considering that not all the kids were as talented as mine.

She’s the best, truly.

As for the song he chose, I’d never heard the song before and it was pretty maudlin, which was a bit concerning.

But, he did a great job and was pretty jazzed about it, so I just enjoyed it for what it was worth.

The next was his dance recital, which was absolutely adorbs.

I couldn’t get a good clean shot for video, but another parent was able to get some vids of them dancing.

Another one was the kid’s last publishing party, where the parents come in and check out all the artistic stuff that the kids were working on for the past few months.

I brought a huge jug of Dunkin coffee; several of the other parents brought a ton of delish looking carbs.

I’m proud to say that I didn’t have any but, man, did I want to.

In any case, with the portfolio of work due in just over a week, it’s been stressful around here.

Really didn’t have the 2-3 hours to spare this morning on top of the previous two events I went to.

But I told you once that it’s so important for little kids to have their parents show up to things. And there’s no “parents” here, it’s just me.

So, I showed up.

Gotta say, it was sweet to see him so happy to see me in the classroom.

There were another three or four events that were also end-of-year related but I’ll tell you about those in the next entry.

Location: Hoboken, playing Codenames and dreaming of more food
Mood: hot and bothered
Music: Always in my head space but I know some day I’ll make it out of here (Spotify)
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Tribute

Its name is *not* “Bear”

Him: What is it, papa?
Me: You tell me.
Him: It’s a bear! A little bear.
Me: Actually…


A song I’ve always enjoyed was Tribute by Tenacious D.

If you don’t know the conceit of the song, essentially the lyrics tell a story about the band meeting a demon that demands that the two play the best song in the world—or risk losing their souls.

So, Tenacious D improvises a tune that is so good that – miraculously – the demon’s defeated.

Unfortunately, however, they later forget how it went, leaving only a pale shadow memory of that legendary performance, which they call Tribute as it’s merely a tribute to a much better song.

Now, did you know that the word “bear” isn’t the word for the animal?

The animals we call “bears,” were such a horror to Europeans, they would never say the actual name of the animal, only calling it names like “The Honey Eater,” “The Destroyer,” or – and I love this – “The Brown One,” or…”Bear.”

And guess what they never wrote down?

The actual name of the animal they called, “The Brown One,” out of fear that it would be summoned when it heard its name.

So, when you call something a “bear,” you’re not actually calling it the name that those people who coined the word actually called the animal, you’re calling it the codeword of that name.

It’s a tribute to the actual name of the animal.

My point is that there are so many things that we think we know that aren’t actually what we think they are, like penguins and bananas.

Her: Your son was really nice to my daughter, tell him thanks. You and your wife are doing a great job raising him.
Me: Oh, that…she’s my fiance. My wife died not soon after he was born.
Her: (shocked) Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I…
Me: (interrupting) It’s ok. We don’t need to dwell on it.

I think I’m doing an ok job raising the kid mainly on my own, with help from my family, Alison’s family, and the Firecracker.

But, in the end, how I’m able to raise him is all just a tribute to the life he coulda had if things were different and Alison and my dad were still here.

It’s not the actual life I wanted for him but – if he’s a good, happy, and healthy kid – I think it’ll be good enough.

Well, that’s the hope, anywho.

His life is my tribute to her and my dad.

So, here’s hoping it’s an amazing one.

Location: my kitchen, quickly cooking dinner so I can get back to work
Mood: like college-finals-level busy
Music: You gotta believe it – and I wish you were there! (Spotify)
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Pilate washed his hands

All the sinners, saints

Easter just passed, not too long ago.

While I’m now a devout atheist, you’d probably be surprised to know I was once deeply religious.

Interestingly, it was my repeated reading of the bible that really started me onto the path of being an atheist.

It’s not so much alla the insanely fucked up things the bible does and says, so much as the inconsistencies and repeated illogical situations that make me no believe.

But that’s neither here nor there.

On the topic of Easter, the story goes that Pilate didn’t kill Jesus, despite being the highest legal authority in the area.

Rather, he merely stepped aside so others could do it and he could have clean hands, literally, as he washed his hands of the entire affair (Matthew 27:24).

The best interpretation of this event, IMHO, comes from my fave Rolling Stones song, Sympathy for the Devil – I’ve mentioned it here more than once.

There’s a line that goes:

I was ’round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Strictly speaking, it’s unclear whose fate was sealed by this action:

    • Yes, Pilate sealed Jesus’s fate by not doing anything; he effectively made it so that the mob was able to have Jesus killed for standing up to the wealthy class.
    • But Pilate also sealed his own fate as well, once he let an innocent man die for doing the right thing, he was forever damned. Because he knew he was letting an innocent man die and no amount of hand washing could clean his hands of the stain.

The wealthiest in America are on track to kill off:

    • Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion – these are somehow bad things and bad words now.
    • USAID
    • Medicaid
    • Social Security
    • Education
    • etc.

And, it seems, we’ve sealed their fates, the fates of hundreds of thousands of people – and our own – by doing nothing.

Every time I think I can’t be any more disappointed in the world, I’m proven wrong yet again.

Location: Home Depot, picking up bullnose tiles
Mood: disappointed
Music: after all it was you and me (Spotify)
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Wait and hope

My one and done

Her: I’m not against it per se but, Logan, if we have a kid, say, next year. You’ll be 73 when she’s 21. Do you really want to be 73 with a 21-year-old kid?
Me: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

Alison was the oldest of three; two girls and a boy.

As the middle of three, we were the mirror of that; two boys and a girl.

She always wanted two or three kids, whereas I always wanted three. My son was always supposed to be the oldest of – ideally for me – three kids.

After Alison died, the thought of more kids was the furthest thing from my mind. After I started feeling better, I kept thinking that I needed to get into a stable relationship ASAP so that I could give the kid some siblings, which he’s always wanted.

That might have put undue pressure on my relationships after Alison.

The Firecracker and I discussed having more kids. I still dream of having more kids but I’m 52 this week (!!).

The practicality of having more kids seems less practical by the minute.

Although the NFL Player insists that we won’t regret it if we do – and he’s right, I’m sure we wouldn’t regret it. The issue is everything involved in it.

And the fact that the kid’s birth was so much joy wrapped up in so much horror further makes me more hesitant.

To this end, I’ve begun giving away alla the things I’ve been keeping the basement for the past seven or eight years in the hopes of having another kid.

Gave away a baby diaper pail, a chair that Alison got to nurse on, and the kid’s crib, which was probably the hardest thing to give away.

I love the boy in a way that I don’t have words to adequately express it.

And I’m sure I’d love whatever siblings he might have.

So, I do what I’ve done my entire life with everything, and do as Dumas said to do, Wait and hope.

Location: my old gym, shooting more scenes
Mood: thoughtful
Music: Open up the door, c’mon sing me home (Spotify)
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Don’t stop believin’

You did a great job

Remember last year when the kid played Hotel California for his school’s talent show?

Welp, this year, he played a cover of Don’t Stop Believin’.

Thought you might like to hear it.

I’m super proud of him – he did a lot of hard work to prep for it.

While there were alotta talented kids, I honestly thought he did the best job – and I think the organizers did too as he was second to last, before the group skit that ended it all.

His grandmother, Alison’s mom, also came in and sat for three hours watching other acts just to support him.

And the Firecracker came as well.

Three hours is a long time to sit on hard auditorium seats to listen to a buncha kids perform while waiting for your one four-minute act to play.

Firecracker: Man, you owe me – I’ve been to seven of his events and shows.
Me: God, that is so true…

Afterward, I took them all out to eat along with another family that had a kid play in the show.

I think that Alison would be so thrilled with and proud of what her kid can do.

I certainly am.

We couldn’t have asked for a better kid, honestly.

That is also so true.

Him: Did I do a good job?
Me: Nah, kid. You did a great job. Papa’s so proud of you.
Him: Yay!

Location: home, with a sick kid
Mood: busy
Music: Some are born to sing (Spotify)
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