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Logan’s 51

Soon, I’ll be 60 years old

Me: I have all the wisdom and finances of someone older but I look much younger.
Her: True…and thank god you’re nerdy. I couldn’t be with someone cool.
Me: Yeah, I…wait, what?

I’m 51 now. What a kick in the head.

It’s weird, wishing to be 40.

But it’s still better than the alternative.

The Firecracker baked me a low-carb cupcake with cream cheese frosting based on a recipe from my sister.

And she also bought me a bánh mì, which was my major carb splurge, although that I had with a super low-carb beer.

And my son played this song for me.

Thought you’d enjoy it.

7 Years

by Lukas Graham

Once, I was seven years old, my mama told me
“Go make yourself some friends, or you’ll be lonely”
Once, I was seven years old.

It was a big-big world, but we thought we were bigger
Pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker
By 11, smoking herb and drinking burning liquor
Never rich, so we were out to make that steady figure.

Once, I was 11 years old, my daddy told me
“Go get yourself a wife, or you’ll be lonely”
Once, I was 11 years old

I always had that dream like my daddy before me
So I started writing songs, I started writing stories
Something about the glory just always seemed to bore me
‘Cause only those I really love will ever really know me

Once, I was 20 years old, my story got told
Before the morning sun, when life was lonely
Once, I was 20 years old

I only see my goals, I don’t believe in failure
‘Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
I got my boys with me, at least those in favor
And if we don’t meet before I leave, I hope I’ll see you later

Once, I was 20 years old, my story got told
I was writing ’bout everything, I saw before me
Once, I was 20 years old

Soon, we’ll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold
We’ve traveled around the world, and we’re still roaming
Soon, we’ll be 30 years old

I’m still learning about life, my woman brought children for me
So, I can sing them all my songs, and I can tell them stories
Most of my boys are with me, some are still out seeking glory
And some I had to leave behind, my brother, I’m still sorry

Soon, I’ll be 60 years old, my daddy got 61
Remember life and then your life becomes a better one
I made the man so happy when I wrote a letter once
I hope my children come and visit, once or twice a month

Soon, I’ll be 60 years old, will I think the world is cold?
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me?
Soon, I’ll be 60 years old.

Soon, I’ll be 60 years old, will I think the world is cold?
Or will I have a lot of children who can hold me?
Soon, I’ll be 60 years old

Once, I was seven years old, my mama told me
“Go make yourself some friends, or you’ll be lonely”
Once, I was seven years old
Once, I was seven years old

Here’s the original if you’re at all interested.

He found this song all by his lonesome.

It’s kinda wild, learning things from him instead of the other way around.

Suppose that’s where he and I are headed.

Don’t mind in the least.

Now, wish me a happy birthday, alla you bastards that read me but never say nuthin…

Location: hanging out with my son, my brother, and the Firecracker for my bday
Mood: content
Music: Soon, I’ll be 60 years old, will I think the world is cold? (Spotify)
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Totally random (videos)

I’ll always love NY

There’s gonna be zero rhyme or reason to this entry cause I went through my camera and found a buncha random videos that I meant to post.

Let’s start with a video shot in October of 2023 where I took a bus out to Queens in this entry.

Now, I’d meant to post this video in that entry, but I forgot I even took it.

Essentially, that explains all the rest of these videos.

Nothing special but I just always liked seeing the NYC rivers while on bridges.

Now, this is another video I shot in October of 2023, where this very old and broken dude was screaming out racial epithets at people who were just walking by him.

I believe the cops got involved but I was already gone by the time they started to arrive.

While NYC definitely has moments like that, it also has moments like the next video, which I shot the following month on November 18th, 2023.

It’s just some people playing ping pong on the pedestrian square outside of Koreatown.

I like how totally random it is, just like NYC itself, which is also totally random.

That’s all I got for now.

Well, that is until I find another batch of random videos from my phone.

Lemme close out this entry with someone else’s video; this is Ryan Adams singing his song New York, New York.

It was shot in 2001, right before the World Trade Center was hit and is how I remember the buildings before all the horror.

There’s a line in it that goes, I’ll always love you though, New York.

Despite a whole lotta things, that sounds about right.

Location: a trampoline park all day, surrounded by kids and noise
Mood: headachey
Music: In a church on the upper west side (Spotify)
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Just wear a hat

That doesn’t make any real sense

The mayor office announced congestion pricing the other day.

There were more cops than protestors but I suppose that’s a good thing.

At least everyone was dressed warmly – it’s been brick around here, lately.

If I told you that I opened up a can of coke and was shocked that no soda came out anywhere but the hole on top, you would think I was just being strange.

Obviously, if I opened a can of soda, the only place any soda would come out of would be the hole I created when I opened the can, yeah?

Conversely, if I didn’t open the can of soda, no soda would come out.

All this seems elementary, no?

But what if I said to you something like, “You should wear a hat because most of your body heat comes from your head?”

To me, it sounds precisely the same as if I said, “Most soda comes outta the can from the hole you made.”

Do you know why most of your body heat comes off your head when your head’s not covered?

Because: Your head’s not covered and the rest of your body is.

Like, if you go out into a wintery day, fully dressed, including gloves and boots – guess where most of your body heat would escape?

That’s right: Your head. Because it’s not covered and the rest of your body is.

So, it’s technically true that, “Most of your body heat comes from your head.”

But that’s super misleading.

It has the air of truth but only a little bit of actual truth to it.

It’s more accurate to say, “Heat’s gonna escape from your head because that’s the part of your body that’s not covered up.”

This has driven me mad for decades.

DECADES!

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Location: next door, having my third plate of shrimp and checking out heavy machinery
Mood: warm
Music: Baby, you can steal my sheets (Spotify)
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Once Upon a One More Time

Everybody needs a RE Mike

First mentioned RE Mike to you some 15 years ago, where he floated me and my buddy Sheridan into a private party with James Lipton, Richard Kind, David Zaikin, Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin.

Since then, he’s gotten me into more parties and events than I can possibly count including some grand openings, model parties, private concerts, private concerts with donut bars, ship launches, whatever the hell was happening in the picture below, dinners, real estate events (of course), and roof parties.

This is from the really weird party we went to in 2019.

He even set up one of the wedding parties that Alison and I had, and the only one in Manhattan, at a joint he owned.

He and my friends around the way were some of the first people I saw after everything went down.

I shoulda had a donut from the donut wall that night.

I’m honestly not sure why he’s always so nice to me, but – heck – who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

Everyone should have a RE Mike in their lives.

RE Mike: [Sent you an invite to the Britney Spears musical.]
Me: Thanks! When are you going?
Him: Went last week enjoy! It’s silly but fun.
Me: Cooooooool, thanks!

The Firecracker and I were trying to figure out what to do last weekend when he got us two tickets to a new show with Britney Spears songs called Once Upon a One More Time.

Honestly, while I liked a few songs from her – like Work Bitch, which, before everything went down, coulda been my theme song – I wouldn’t really call myself a fan of hers.

Having said that, The Firecracker loves musicals so I figured I’d take one for the team and go with her.

Not counting the musicals on the cruises I go on, the last time I went to a Broadway musical was with Alison some 14 years ago.

But, I gotta admit, it was a lot more fun than I was expecting, and the story wasn’t bad at all.

I’d never been to the Marquis Theatre, which is in the New York Marriott Marquis hotel in Times Square.

The layout was a bit odd as you walk downstairs and immediately are facing the concession/bar area. Weird/bad feng shui.

Her: Do you want a drink?
Me: I’ll just have some of yours.
Her: Why don’t I just get you one?
Me: Because I’ll just keep running to the bathroom.

Outside, there were a buncha booths where people to take selfies with some of the songs as themes.

The Firecracker had a blast and it was fun doing something completely different for a change. If you get a chance to go, you should.

Afterward, we took a long walk-up Broadway, about two miles north to my pad.

I’ll tell you about that in my next post.

Until then, below is the encore from the show, which they were cool enough to let us record.

Location: the gym, for the first time in a while
Mood: missing the kid like crazy
Music: You want a Maserati? You better work (Spotify)
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It’s time to come home

Not that lawyer any more

Me: The problem is that you’re homeless and a stranger in a strange land. You’re not valued by him and never will be. But your friends and family are here.
Her: I can’t afford to live in NYC any more, Logan. I don’t have a job and I’m not 20 anymore.
Me: Plenty of people – your parents and mine – came here with less and spoke even shittier English than you…
Her: (laughs)
Me: …they all survived. They all thrived. It’s time.

A dear friend of mine, who moved away to be with the man of her dreams suddenly found herself in a nightmare.

She gave up everything – her home, her friends, her family, and her job, to be with this fella.

That’s her story to tell so I’ll end that part here.

But I told her things that I never told anyone.

Never told you either.

Because I not only lost both my families in 2017, but I also lost my career.

Never told you, but when I lectured in Malaga, over a decade ago, my topic was the right of publicity versus the right of privacy.

In it, I wrote about Gwen Stefani/No Doubt legal case where she allowed her likeness to be used for one thing but not another.

With the rise of computational power, we’re rapidly coming to a point where we don’t need an actual actor or singer but merely their likeness to create art. And that will open up a whole new world of possibilities, both for good and bad. – Logan

Right now, a major part of the whole writer/actor’s strike is the fear that their likeness will be used by a studio for, potentially, eternity.

Watched one lawyer talk about it, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry and jealous – because the focus of my entire practice was going to be about the intersection of the rights of publicity and privacy.

I knew a decade ago that this current AI crisis was coming and I wanted to be at the forefront of it all.

Her: Holy shit, you were ahead of the curve, Logan!
Me: Yeah, by over a decade. I’m gonna be honest with you, I threw myself a pity party last week thinking that coulda been me.

That fucking cancer took almost everything from Alison and me.

12 years of work, poof. Gone.

I’m still a lawyer but I’m not…that lawyer anymore.

I secretly used pictures of Alison throughout my lecture.

But Alison and I were dealt our shitty cards and we had no other choice but to play them.

After all, that’s what Alison did. Felt I had to respect her sacrifices and do the same.

I just said that the fucking cancer took almost everything.

Almost because I still had the boy.

Somehow, through all my chemicals and madness, I sobered up enough to remember him and how much he meant to Alison, and me.

Knew I had to make a home for him with me, however incomplete and inelegant that was.

That kid saved me and, together, we made this sad place – which was full of some seriously unspeakable and fucked-up things – a happy(ish) home for both of us.

And I told my friend all this just to let her know that it’s possible.

It’s possible to overcome the blow, even when it seems so unlikely.

Me: I’m not making light of your situation. It’s gonna be shitty and hard. But I just want you to know that you can survive this. You can survive this blow. Because, somehow, I did.
Her: (silence then laughing) I can’t believe I’m saying this but you’re making a lotta sense.
Me: (laughing) I’m as surprised as you are. (pause) Listen, X, it’s done. That place isn’t your home, not anymore. But here, you matter to a lotta people. Me included.
Her: (sighing) OK, Logan. Lemme think about it.
Me: Do that. It’s time to come home.


Location: home, waiting for people to pick up things up
Mood: better
Music: I only wish my words could just convince myself (Spotify)
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Our hearts are red balloons

I need to change that

The Firecracker got home a bit earlier today so, after I dropped the kid off at his afterschool – which is just two blocks from her pad – I stopped by.

She usually buzzes me into her building and unlocks the door so I can let myself in.

Me: Hey, where are you?
Her: (running towards me, hair and limbs akimbo) BANZAI!!!
Me: WHAT THE F-!

God, it’s nice when someone’s happy to see you.

Last week, when we saw the Surgeon, my buddy Steel wasn’t available.

This time, though, he was so the Firecracker, the kid, and I went down to Chinatown to grab some food and headed to the Surgeon’s pad for another get-together.

Steel cooked everything…

…while the Surgeon made some mixed drinks.

Him: Do you want rum or som-
Me: Rum!
Him: (laughing) No surprise there.

The Firecracker was a big hit with Steel’s wife.

Her: We love her!!! I am keeping her!

The Firecracker and I tried to limit our drinking and we did an ok job. It was hard because the surgeon does mix some killer drinks.

He and Steel own a few bars in the city.

Firecracker: Wait, I’ve been to that place. That’s yours?
Steel: Yup. Which one?
Her: There’s more than one? The uptown one?
Him: Oh, we have another one downtown.
Me: We’ll head out there onea these days.

We did, however, eat continuously since we arrived. Especially since there was a ton of sushi for the adults, alla Chinese food I brought, and pizza for the kids.

Me: I want a slice of pizza.
Him: What about the carbs?
Me: I already ate so much sushi that I figure that I’m in it.

Speaking of carbs, the Surgeon’s wife pulled out a whole stack of Klondike bars. I’d not had one since I was a kid so I took one.

The next day, I hosted one of the kid’s classmates and then brought the two of them to another class outing at a playground near me.

I’m looking forward to spending the summer hanging out with kid and maybe having the Firecracker for company.

My summers have been pretty sad lately.

I need to change that.

Location: the Barnes & Noble on the UWS, realizing they blocked all the windows so people wouldn’t sit on the sills anymore
Mood: hungry and dreaming of apple pie
Music: The skies are wide open (Spotify)
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The one with the singing

Still loading

Her: (finishes singing a song and turns to look at me) Do you think I’m weird?
Me: (nodding) Oh, yeah. Totally.
Her: Oh…
Me: (laughing) You’re adorkable!

This past weekend, I had a few things really stop me in my tracks. None were what you might call, “good,” but neither were they “terrible.”

They were, however, things that made me radically reassess my life and look at things very differently.

All three are gonna mean that my life is gonna change drastically and I’m not sure how it’ll all shake out.

The smallest of the three – and the only one I can really tell you about – is that the Firecracker and I got into our first real big fight but it was really about nuthin.

Honestly though, most fights are about nuthin, if you think about it in the grand scheme of things.

In any case, my takeaway, though, was her style of fighting. It worked well with my style of fighting such that the whole things – while arduous – was over and done by the evening. That’s a net positive.

I suppose, in life, you gotta take all the net positives you can.

The other two events I’m still sorting it all out in my head. But really big changes are ahead for the Lo family, lemme tell ya.

Ultimately, though, I’m trying to go back to my old mindset from a decade ago and accepting the world as it is, not as I wish it to be.

It’s funny, suppose I started upgrading my OS ages ago but it got interrupted with alla the tragedies.

It never stopped loading into my brain, though.

It’s still loading now, I think.

At least there was lots of music all weekend, between the Firecracker and my son singing.

This is his latest – Emily, another parent from his school, thinks he would rock the talent show. He says he’s too shy.

I dunno, I think he’d be pretty good.

Him: (sadly) Do I have to do it?
Me: Only if you want, kid.
Him: Oh. OK. I don’t want to. Too many people.
Me: Maybe someday.
Him: (nodding) Maybe.

Location: tonight, almost having a homemade apple pie in a bed that wasn’t mine
Mood: accepting
Music: You were only waiting for this moment to be free (Spotify)
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Upgrading my OS

I like it when we play 1950

Her: I’m sorry about your wife.
Me: So am I. All my gods look like her.
Her: What does that mean?
Me: Nuthin. (brightening) Let’s play a game…

It’s the first day of 2023.

I’m writing this on a computer that I first built when Alison was still alive and upgraded repeatedly, such that there’s nuthin left of the original computer, just like I talked about in my Ship of Theseus.

One thing that I did after the hack was to upgrade the operating system of that computer from Windows 10 to Windows 11, something I did with great reluctance.

Still working through the pros and cons of that, but I note that I went through Windows 7, 8, 8.1, and 10 on this machine before finally arriving here.

Just like the philosophical exercise of the Ship of Theseus, the question remains if there’s anything left of the original computer that I originally built all those years ago.

Speaking of philsophy, this blog has, more than anything, been my own personal repository of how I see the world, kinda like Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations.

Suppose my operating system has always been based on German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, who was introduced to me in my 20s by the Devil.

One of my earliest blog entries spoke about a quote that served me well my entire life: With increased intelligence comes increased capacity for pain.

When Alison, my dad, and another relative got sick – all at the same time – and I essentially gave up my career(s) to try (and fail) to save them, then lost Gradgirl and Mouse, I think that the truth of that statement is why I’m here writing you now.

Schopenhauer’s worldview was that life is, at its core, suffering.

Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom. – Arthur Schopenhauer

At no point in this blog – through all the highs and lows – did my baseline OS change; it was always run on some variant of Schopenhauer.

And you know my feeling about those who’s worldview never changes. I can’t be a hypocrite.

All this, despite the fact that some baseline beliefs of his contradicted directly with my own heart’s desire.

For example, I’ve always wanted family and family, by definition, requires children. Yet Schopenhauer, like my billionaire buddy, feels that “Bearing children into this world is like carrying wood into a burning house.”

Schopenhauer, as the base operating system of my life, was ill-equipped to deal with the overwhelming sadness and despair of it all, for various reasons.

For example, Schopenhauer’s world view of Wille zum Leben respected love like one respects a dangerous animal, but it doesn’t deal with love, which I both respect and submit to.

To Schopenhauer, love is an illogical means to an important end: The extension of our very species.

I understand that but, having loved and lost in the profound ways I have, I think it’s an idealized version of what humans are actually capable of.

While it’d be nice to live a life purely pragmatically, the way humans are designed, it’s not practical. Because emotions exist and aren’t going away.

I need an OS that reflects that reality.

The Devil’s gone from my life and, while I appreciate all that he’s shown me in the world, the OS he helped build for me doesn’t work with who I am now, especially given all that’s happened.

Moreover, I want more for my son. Assuming that Schopenhauer was correct, and our universe is only what we experience through our mental facilities – our operating system – then I plan on giving my son the best one I can.

After close to 30 years of working on myself, I think that answer lies in Stoicism. Not “stoicism” with a lower-case “s,” rather the full philosophy of Zeno, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca.

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts. – Marcus Aurelius

I don’t think, at all, that Schopenhauer was wrong, or that the last three decades of my life were wasted. Rather, I think that it’s served its purpose for what I needed for that time and that version of me. Now, I have a new purpose – the boy – and that requires a new way of thinking.

We suffer more often in imagination than in reality. – Seneca

It’s still early yet in all this. Just like it’s early in the new year.

But I spent the last month reexamining my life and need to discard the things that aren’t working for me anymore, if they ever did, and find things that do work.

Don’t think you’ll notice any drastic changes here, per se. Just little things for myself as I try to give myself and – by extension, the boy – the tools I’ll need to be the best version of myself.

Man conquers the world by conquering himself. – Zeno

I’m still me, but I wonder how much of who and what I am/was is still there or if I’m a completely new being altogether, just like this computer I type alla this out on.

On that note, let’s start the new year off with a song.

This is by a young woman named King Princess that my brother introduced to me a little while ago.

Can’t put my finger on it, but it always makes me dream that my life might be better than it is.

Maybe it’s the line that goes, “I will keep on waiting for your love,” which goes directly against Schopenhauer’s distant respect of the concept of love.

Because love’s not only something I respect, but also something I want – to both give and receive – so it’s worthy of patience and time.

Even if it never comes my way again.

Here’s to 2023 and changing for the better.

Her: (surprised) Why did you do that?
Me: (shrugging) Seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
Her: (laughing) OK. (pause) You can do it again.

Location: in the first hours of 2023, on W 97, wondering if we should sell our apartments and move to NJ
Mood: new(ish)
Music: I love it when you try to save me
(Spotify)
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2022: Whacha know about rollin’?

Some rando videos of 2022

Her: So, what’s your typical day like?
Me: Well, there’s a lotta singing.

Like I said, I’m really behind in what I wanted to tell you but I’m also behind in putting up videos.

See, through the course of my day, I record rando things that I find interesting, thinking that I’ll show you them.

But, by the time I get around to remembering that I have them and take them off my phone to upload here, the moment has long past.

Ergo, I though I’d end out this year a bit differently by posting somea these rando videos for you to see, if you’re so inclined, in no particular order.

The first is a glimpse as to what my day is typically like.

The kid likes to practice his ukulele on my bed while singing me something.

This is his rendition of Masked Wolf’s Astronaut in the Ocean – no idea where he first heard this song.

I feel compelled to tell you that he’s six in this video, which I cannot express how proud of him I am.

Speaking of my son, he’s been taking swimming classes all year, hopefully to avoid something like what happened over the summer.

But I figure that you don’t wanna just see grainy vids of my kid.

The other big part of my life is the gym, so heading there, I see some pretty interesting things, I gotta say.

Here’s a quick sampling of a busker in Times Square, albeit from last May.

Actually, there are quite a number of buskers all over the city.

These are some at Union Square in September, just a couple of blocks from Paxibellum.

As for non-musical things, there was also the time that I left the gym and caught this sight; it doesn’t look like much but what’s happening is that water is coming out of an upper floor window onto the streets below.

This means that either a pipe broke or someone left their water on in their apartment, filling that apartment with water so high that it went over the window and onto the floor below.

I’m gonna guess that the lower floor apartments and businesses were not happy that day. You can hear sirens going off in the distance

There are a ton more videos but I figure I’d just toss these up.

Now, I was torn with ending this entry with either this symbolic store display in the UWS which – if it’s 3AM and you’re two sheets to the wind – is goddamn fascinating…

…OR posting this of my son at B&H Photo, where I went to get a small server for my apartment after the last major hack.

He was enthralled by the very modern-yet-old-timey interior conveyer belt system.

Here’s hoping that 2023 is better than the past few years.

Him: What will you do for New Year’s?
Me: I’ll dream of my family.
Him: That’s boring!
Me: (laughing) Not to me, kid. Not to me.

Location: my apartment, wondering what I should do tonight
Mood: cautiously optimistic (?)
Music: See, that pain was all around (Spotify)
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Only one me

Getting it right

Years ago, I had a young blonde in my apartment and we ordered some food. We’re actually still FB friends, which I find sweet, but that’s neither here nor there.

In any case, I gave her the only bowl and utensils I had and I used the plastic stuff the food came with.

Her: Wait, you only have one bowl?
Me: (shrugging) I only have one me.

It was because my ex took everything else and I hadn’t yet gotten around to replacing it all yet.

Fast forward some 14 years later and I’m watching Hawkeye with someone else and we get to this scene:

Me: I said almost that exact same thing years ago!
Her: Really? No…
Me: It’s true. And I have receipts. But, I’ll show them to you some other time.

In some ways, that’s why it’s so odd for me to be a single father – I always either had someone in my life as a romantic partner or I was completely alone.

I never, ever – in a million years – imagined I’d be raising a kid all by my lonesome. It’s that whole imposter syndrome thing.

I’ve had some jaw-dropping success in my life as well as some truly shocking failures.

I hope – more than anything – that I get this one thing right, and it’s part of the former.


Editors note: In that entry above (and here), I’d just come back from Baltimore and my ex, whom I lived with, moved out while I was away and took everything – the bed, the utensils, all the plates and cups…AND the shower curtain.

I still remember sitting in my completely empty apartment and wondering if this was the lowest point of my life.

God, I was so young and dumb back then. I had no idea how much more down life could go.

She left me the couch, the TV, the microwave, a spatula, one cup, one plate, and a handful of random takeout items.

Took a video of it and posted it on a site that long since disappeared – and so did all my videos.

Shame, it was a hilarious video. That whole moment, in hindsight, was hilarious.

I had no idea how much more down life could go before rock-bottom.

Man, still can’t believe she didn’t leave me the shower curtain…


I get a lotta flak for this blog and I often toy with the idea of just stopping. That’s part of why I took a week off not that long ago.

On the one hand, I do wonder who, if anyone, read this. But then something like that Hawkeye scene happens and I’m glad I have it.

Or someone writes me something heartfelt and sweet, like Suz did recently, or someone from my gym class surprises me and tells me that she’s a reader.

Her: Logan, your last blog entry was so good. I thought I was going to cry.
Me: Wait, you read my blog?
Her: (shrugging) Yeah. You write so well.
Me: Oh man, thanks. I was just thinking about stopping…
Her: Don’t. It’s honest. It’s so honest. People like the honesty.

So, I continue to put things out into the aether, and hope that someone gets something from it besides just me.

Location: yesterday, downtown, telling a pretty girl to aim for my head
Mood: so busy
Music: I’m getting older with every memory I make (Spotify)
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