Me: (laughing) Her: What’s so funny? Me: I just read this woman in her 20s writing about online dating and meeting men that married and divorced. She wrote, “It’s a trip when you go on a date with a divorced person and think, ‘Did you just lap me?'”
Decades ago, I worked a lot in NYC clubs – which is all I’ll say on the matter – and one such club I worked at was Mars 2112.
It was a Mars/space-themed restaurant that was enormous at 33,000 SF.
Well, Din Tai Fung took over a chunk of that space and, despite it not being the entire space, man did it feel huge.
If you aren’t familiar with Din Tai Fung, it’s a major upscale Taiwanese restaurant chain with 170 locations worldwide with the Manhattan one as one of their flagships.
The main picture of this entry is just of its staff making dumplings. That’s a lotta dumplings, man.
Anywho, earlier last week, one of the Firecracker’s closest friends, the Liberian, was in town with her husband.
They have a cool story in that they sold off their home and most of their possessions here and bought a villa in Spain where they’re living their best lives.
The one negative is that they’re not getting the level of quality Chinese food they were getting when they were here in NYC.
Anywho, it was weird being back in that space because it felt familiar yet very different.
On a related note, I should mention that the gym I go now also used to be a club that I also worked at.
Living in NYC your whole life means that things start to make laps in your life.
Wonder what these joints will be like in another few years.
Location: a street fair with an angel and her kid
Mood: full
Music: “Lonely or alone?” Way to Mars by Somersault & Xavier Naidoo (can’t find it anywhere) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Her: What?! Oh no!! Me: What happened? Her: I just got a text that our concert is tonight. Me: What? No, it’s not. It’s in August.
Was making dinner on Friday when I heard the Firecracker yell out, so I quickly went into the room to see her on her phone, quite perplexed.
We’d bought tickets for an Andy Grammer – we’re both big fans – and Patrick Droney concert from someone that couldn’t make the show, and it turns out that they pushed up the date of the show over a month from the original date.
Evidently, they didn’t let us know.
So, we literally shoved alla the food I’d made into our faces and dashed off downtown.
Had to tell my kali class and the Radiologist – who was gonna stop by the class – that we couldn’t make it that night.
Me: OMG, we just got an email which is wild; a concert that we booked for August 23rd was resecheduled for tonight! This is the first we heard of it. Literally just got an email right this second. Him: Enjoy the concert! I’d do Andy Grammar first second and third.
So, off we went.
We were there in less than 30 minutes – living in the middle of Manhattan does have its perks.
The weather and venue were absolutely perfect.
And we were right up near the stage.
So, we had amazing views and sounds.
Patrick Droney was the opening act, and I was actually a fan of his song, Stand and Deliver, which I didn’t get a chance to record.
But, as good as he was, we were there to see Andy and, man, did he deliver.
That fella throws a concert, lemme tell ya…
But I’ll write more about that in the next entry.
Until then, here he is performing one of my fave songs, Honey I’m Good, which is just so catchy.
Him: Are you sure you’re gonna come? Me: I haven’t missed one yet, have I? Him: No…I just wanted to make sure.
It’s been super busy here for a multitude of reasons, least of which is that the kid is winding up his school year.
This means that there’s one event after another, of varying degrees of entertainment.
The first was his end of year recital, where he played a cover of Billie Eilish’s Lovely on the guitar.
I should mention that the Firecracker’s never missed a single one – which is something considering that not all the kids were as talented as mine.
She’s the best, truly.
As for the song he chose, I’d never heard the song before and it was pretty maudlin, which was a bit concerning.
But, he did a great job and was pretty jazzed about it, so I just enjoyed it for what it was worth.
The next was his dance recital, which was absolutely adorbs.
I couldn’t get a good clean shot for video, but another parent was able to get some vids of them dancing.
Another one was the kid’s last publishing party, where the parents come in and check out all the artistic stuff that the kids were working on for the past few months.
I brought a huge jug of Dunkin coffee; several of the other parents brought a ton of delish looking carbs.
I’m proud to say that I didn’t have any but, man, did I want to.
In any case, with the portfolio of work due in just over a week, it’s been stressful around here.
Really didn’t have the 2-3 hours to spare this morning on top of the previous two events I went to.
But I told you once that it’s so important for little kids to have their parents show up to things. And there’s no “parents” here, it’s just me.
So, I showed up.
Gotta say, it was sweet to see him so happy to see me in the classroom.
There were another three or four events that were also end-of-year related but I’ll tell you about those in the next entry.
Him: What is it, papa? Me: You tell me. Him: It’s a bear! A little bear. Me: Actually…
A song I’ve always enjoyed was Tribute by Tenacious D.
If you don’t know the conceit of the song, essentially the lyrics tell a story about the band meeting a demon that demands that the two play the best song in the world—or risk losing their souls.
So, Tenacious D improvises a tune that is so good that – miraculously – the demon’s defeated.
Unfortunately, however, they later forget how it went, leaving only a pale shadow memory of that legendary performance, which they call Tribute as it’s merely a tribute to a much better song.
Now, did you know that the word “bear” isn’t the word for the animal?
The animals we call “bears,” were such a horror to Europeans, they would never say the actual name of the animal, only calling it names like “The Honey Eater,” “The Destroyer,” or – and I love this – “The Brown One,” or…”Bear.”
And guess what they never wrote down?
The actual name of the animal they called, “The Brown One,” out of fear that it would be summoned when it heard its name.
So, when you call something a “bear,” you’re not actually calling it the name that those people who coined the word actually called the animal, you’re calling it the codeword of that name.
My point is that there are so many things that we think we know that aren’t actually what we think they are, like penguins and bananas.
Her: Your son was really nice to my daughter, tell him thanks. You and your wife are doing a great job raising him. Me: Oh, that…she’s my fiance. My wife died not soon after he was born. Her: (shocked) Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I… Me: (interrupting) It’s ok. We don’t need to dwell on it.
I think I’m doing an ok job raising the kid mainly on my own, with help from my family, Alison’s family, and the Firecracker.
But, in the end, how I’m able to raise him is all just a tribute to the life he coulda had if things were different and Alison and my dad were still here.
It’s not the actual life I wanted for him but – if he’s a good, happy, and healthy kid – I think it’ll be good enough.
While I’m now a devout atheist, you’d probably be surprised to know I was once deeply religious.
Interestingly, it was my repeated reading of the bible that really started me onto the path of being an atheist.
It’s not so much alla the insanely fucked up things the bible does and says, so much as the inconsistencies and repeated illogical situations that make me no believe.
But that’s neither here nor there.
On the topic of Easter, the story goes that Pilate didn’t kill Jesus, despite being the highest legal authority in the area.
Rather, he merely stepped aside so others could do it and he could have clean hands, literally, as he washed his hands of the entire affair (Matthew 27:24).
I was ’round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Strictly speaking, it’s unclear whose fate was sealed by this action:
Yes, Pilate sealed Jesus’s fate by not doing anything; he effectively made it so that the mob was able to have Jesus killed for standing up to the wealthy class.
But Pilate also sealed his own fate as well, once he let an innocent man die for doing the right thing, he was forever damned. Because he knew he was letting an innocent man die and no amount of hand washing could clean his hands of the stain.
The wealthiest in America are on track to kill off:
Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion – these are somehow bad things and bad words now.
USAID
Medicaid
Social Security
Education
etc.
And, it seems, we’ve sealed their fates, the fates of hundreds of thousands of people – and our own – by doing nothing.
Every time I think I can’t be any more disappointed in the world, I’m proven wrong yet again.
Location: Home Depot, picking up bullnose tiles
Mood: disappointed
Music: after all it was you and me (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Her: I’m not against it per se but, Logan, if we have a kid, say, next year. You’ll be 73 when she’s 21. Do you really want to be 73 with a 21-year-old kid? Me: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.
Alison was the oldest of three; two girls and a boy.
As the middle of three, we were the mirror of that; two boys and a girl.
She always wanted two or three kids, whereas I always wanted three. My son was always supposed to be the oldest of – ideally for me – three kids.
After Alison died, the thought of more kids was the furthest thing from my mind. After I started feeling better, I kept thinking that I needed to get into a stable relationship ASAP so that I could give the kid some siblings, which he’s always wanted.
That might have put undue pressure on my relationships after Alison.
The Firecracker and I discussed having more kids. I still dream of having more kids but I’m 52 this week (!!).
The practicality of having more kids seems less practical by the minute.
Although the NFL Player insists that we won’t regret it if we do – and he’s right, I’m sure we wouldn’t regret it. The issue is everything involved in it.
And the fact that the kid’s birth was so much joy wrapped up in so much horror further makes me more hesitant.
To this end, I’ve begun giving away alla the things I’ve been keeping the basement for the past seven or eight years in the hopes of having another kid.
Gave away a baby diaper pail, a chair that Alison got to nurse on, and the kid’s crib, which was probably the hardest thing to give away.
I love the boy in a way that I don’t have words to adequately express it.
And I’m sure I’d love whatever siblings he might have.
So, I do what I’ve done my entire life with everything, and do as Dumas said to do, Wait and hope.
I’m super proud of him – he did a lot of hard work to prep for it.
While there were alotta talented kids, I honestly thought he did the best job – and I think the organizers did too as he was second to last, before the group skit that ended it all.
His grandmother, Alison’s mom, also came in and sat for three hours watching other acts just to support him.
And the Firecracker came as well.
Three hours is a long time to sit on hard auditorium seats to listen to a buncha kids perform while waiting for your one four-minute act to play.
Firecracker: Man, you owe me – I’ve been to seven of his events and shows. Me: God, that is so true…
Afterward, I took them all out to eat along with another family that had a kid play in the show.
I think that Alison would be so thrilled with and proud of what her kid can do.
I certainly am.
We couldn’t have asked for a better kid, honestly.
That is also so true.
Him: Did I do a good job? Me: Nah, kid. You did a great job. Papa’s so proud of you. Him: Yay!
Location: home, with a sick kid
Mood: busy
Music: Some are born to sing (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
The kid’s trying out for another talent show this year – I think he’ll make it, but you never know.
He’s already got a song picked out, which is a rock classic; I’ll post it after he does the show if he makes it in.
I try to show him all the songs that were meaningful to me when I was a kid because I think those songs stay with you in special ways.
A more modern song that I’ve been listening to is one called Dear Me by a fella named Eric Hutchinson.
I think I’ll play it for the kid one of these days, soon.
Whenever I hear it, I think of alla these different versions of me that are as real and immediate to me as if I were still them.
That’s a whole entry in-and-of-itself.
In the meantime, here’s the song, give it a go?
Dear me, you’ll be older one day
I’m writing from the future and you’re doing ok
I said now, dear me, hold on to what you’ve got
Things are gonna change, but change is better than you thought
Dear me
I know you’re scared as hell of everything right now
But don’t get lost and where you’re going
Dear me
You’re gonna fall in love with the girl that you live next door to
And you have no real way of knowing
You don’t know who you are
You don’t know who you are
You don’t know who you are
But I know you’re trying
You don’t know who you are
You don’t know who you are
You don’t know who you are
But you’re multiplying
Dear me, you’ll be older one day
I’m writing from the future and you’re doing ok
I said now dear me, hold on to what you’ve got
Things are gonna change, but change is better than you thought
Said you gonna get yourself, get yourself, get yourself together
You gonna get yourself, get yourself, get yourself together
Dear me
Don’t keep people in your life that treat you like crap
And don’t lose sleep over them either
Dear me
Never give up on the good that rests inside of you
And don’t believe the non-believers
You gonna make mistakes
You gonna make mistakes
You gonna make mistakes
But they will fall behind you
You gonna make mistakes
You gonna make mistakes
You gonna make mistakes
But they won’t define you
Dear me, you’ll be older one day
I’m writing from the future and you’re doing ok
I said now dear me, hold on to what you’ve got
Things are gonna change but change is better than you thought
Said you gonna get yourself, get yourself, get yourself together
You gonna get yourself, get yourself, get yourself together
Take care of family and the ones you love
Put all your energy into human stuff
Staying young is hard to do
So, when life’s getting serious just don’t take it so serious.
I said dear me, hold on to what you’ve got
Things are gonna change but change is better than you thought
Said you gonna get yourself, get yourself, get yourself together
You gonna get yourself, get yourself, get yourself together
Keep growing up, but don’t get old
Take care of what you can’t control
Respect the heart that you’re gonna break
Forgive mistakes that you will make
If I were you I would not care
But some old messes to beware
So you probably won’t listen to a word I say
You probably won’t listen to a word I say
You probably won’t listen to a word I say
You’re doing ok
Dear me.
Location: home, chatting with the Firecracker who’s stuck at the airport
Mood: nostalgic
Music: get yourself together (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
Me: I just wanted to say thank you for working with me for this past year. Therapist: Logan! You think we’ve only been talking for a year? You mentioned looking forward to your date with the Firecracker, and that was at least 20 months ago. Me: I cannot be trusted with things related to time these days.
I had my first therapy session with my therapist, Kymberly, on 2021.06.03.
She was the third regular therapist I had but the one that I’ve seen the longest and most consistently.
That’s for a buncha reasons: On the practical side, my insurance covered alla it and I could do alla my sessions at home on Zoom.
On the personal side, I knew I needed to talk to a professional, but I suppose that I didn’t realize just how much I needed to talk to one.
The first few sessions were not great as I was pretty belligerent, but she stuck with me and I her.
As time passed, I began to notice that I was less angry – still angry, just less so.
Me: There’s this joke I heard once where a man says to the other, “What would you say if I gave you a million dollars but only on the condition that the person you hate most gets two million?” And the second man replies, “Of course, why wouldn’t I want three million dollars?” Her: You hate yourself? Me: More than anyone, sometimes. (thinking) It’s a good joke, though.
Chad once said he felt that I was clinging on to a wrong relationship with a death grip because I’d lost so much already and was loathe to lose anything else.
Think that was the most accurate and sage thing he ever said.
With the passage of time, and Kymberly’s help, I was able to accept my new reality, though.
Me: Losing Alison and my dad was a bit like losing a leg. I know I’ll never be complete again, and I’ll always remember the days when I had them both here as my happiest. I know I can be happy again, I just also know that it won’t be the same because I will never be the same. Her: But this version of Logan can be happy, can’t he? Maybe not the same as before, different, but still good? Me: I suppose that’s the hope.
Unfortunately, she’s moving to a different office and one that doesn’t take my insurance. So, we have to part ways, at least for now.
She was a good therapist – and I’m well enough now, a good deal thanks to her, that I’m not in a rush to replace her.
Thanks, doc.
I’m feeling much better now.
Her: I like that analogy of your losing a leg. But, I think you can be happy again. If you’re nicer to yourself. Me: I’ll try. It’s not easy, but I’m gonna try. I’ll never be happy like I was when Alison and my dad were still alive. But…it’d be nice to be happy again.
Every so often, I’ll hear a song, and it’ll feel as if it was written just for me.
To wit, here’s a song called Decide to be Happy by a band called Misterwives.
There are several lines that I feel I’ve said here myself in some manner or another:
Been feelin’ like a stranger in my body. I haven’t been myself in a while, I’m sorry.
Got to decide to be happy ‘Cause it don’t always come naturally.
…because I’ve been on my knees so much since you’ve known me.
You know what?
Here’s the whole song and alla the lyrics – it’s worth a listen, I think.
Music, it saved me
But it drives me crazy
‘Cause it forces my eyes, to take a look and see
Got to decide to be happy
‘Cause it don’t always come naturally
Been feelin’ like a stranger in my body
I haven’t been myself in a while, I’m sorry (I’m sorry)
Got to decide to be happy (happy)
‘Cause it don’t always come naturally
‘Cause flowers, don’t grow without the rain
And goodness, don’t grow without the pain
Flowers, don’t grow without the rain
Goodness, don’t grow without the pain
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
My mind, it can be a scary place at times
So I hide under my bed and close all the blinds
And I cry (and I cry)
And I cry (and I cry)
Waste the day away, so I turn on the lights
And I search for a sign or a rhyme or a reason
Why I’m unsteady as the seasons
‘Cause flowers, don’t grow without the rain
And goodness, don’t grow without the pain
Flowers, don’t grow without the rain
Goodness, don’t grow without the pain
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you’re sad and you know it, well now’s your chance to dance
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you’re sad and you know it, well now’s your chance to dance
Well now’s your chance to dance, now’s your chance to dance
(Now’s your chance to dance, now’s your chance to dance)
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
I’ve been down on my knees
Prayin’ things I don’t believe
Hopin’ that it’ll save me
So I decide to be happy
Location: not where you might expect; a tiny room with the kid practically on top of me
Mood: soooooooooo sick – you would not believe how sick I am
Music: I decide to be happy (Spotify) Subscribe! Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
