Got COVID…yet again
Firecracker: Take a COVID test.
Me: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no way I have COVID again. I already had it three times, I’m double vaxxed and double boosted.
Her: Just take one. You have a million tests, anywho.
Me: (sighing) I guess you’re right.
Her: (later) Well?
Me: I HAVE @#$@#$@ COVID AGAIN! FOUR TIMES NOW!
Felt like hot trash for the past few days.
The two people I rolled with the day before AND the Firecracker – who spent every single day with me – did not get it.
My luck runs ever true.
The fella that wrote Brave New World once said, Most human being have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
Thought about that tonight because I’m constantly reminded of my possible pasts that I didn’t realize would be so short and special to me in hindsight.
See, I’ve been clearing out stuff in the house and had to head down to the basement, which I’ve not done in a while because the basement scares me, greatly.
Not because of the spiders, or mice, or whatnot, but because of ghosts.
Well, that’s not wholly true because they’re not ghosts per se, but apparitions in my head.
Remember when alla that flooding happened and I told you that I lost most of Alison’s things then? That was true. But I still find things.
Tonight, I found a box of a 101 cookie cutter shapes. Alison got them when she was pregnant with one of the kids we lost.
She had all these dreams of making sugar cookies and tree ornaments for our children.
They’ve never been used.
And I found bags and bags of the kid’s clothes when he was younger.
See, I saved every single goddamn shirt and pants. Because I thought that, maybe one day, I’d have another fatty to call my own. And he, or she, would need some clothes.
And a crib, and a stroller, and a changing bed, and toys…
But alla that seems less and less likely now.
One of the (many) things about Alison that I adored was how unsentimental she was. As long as she had a picture of something she loved, that was good enough for her.
Coming from a poor background, my family slanted towards hoarding while her priorities were cleaniness and order. She always encouraged me to let things go.
So, I started giving away a lotta of the kid’s old clothes and things.
And I’ll probably give away these cookie cutters as well.
Alison would have.
Spoke to my therapist recently.
Therapist: How have you been?
Me: Besides getting COVID for the 4th time, pretty well.
Her: (smiles) You seem it. Tell me what’s been going on.
Me: Things have been going really well with the Firecracker and me. She understands, better than most, having alla these hopes and dreams and then having them suddenly disappear.
Her: That’s great, what else?
Me: (thinking) I think that for a long time, I’ve been unable to truly accept that this is my life. I think that for the past…Jesus Christ…seven years, I’ve been fighting – both subconsciously and consciously – the reality that is my life.
Her: And now?
Me: I don’t really have any other choice, do I?
Her: I’m proud of you, Logan. That’s a good step. You should be proud of yourself as well.
Me: I’m not sure I’d go that far, yet. But I’m trying to be better.
Location: my basement, sans COVID, thinking of my possible pasts
Music: the trace of a memory, stained into the past (Spotify)
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