Can’t even self-medicate
Had a conversation with three friends over the week. Told one of them that I didn’t want any visitors in the hospital but I suppose some friends never listen.
Him: I’m outside, just meet up with me. There’s a bar around the corner.
Me: OK.
For the sake of clarity and brevity, I’m going to combine these three conversations into one.
Him: How’re you two holding up?
Me: Same. Terribly. They’re cutting her open again right now. (breaking down) She’s fighting for her life and all I can do is watch.
Him: That’s your job. Your job is watch over her.
Me: My job is take care of her, and I’m just doing a craptastic one.
Him: (scoffing) You think most guys’d do what you do?
Me: Maybe. But I’m also wallowing in self-pity. (pause) I’m never gonna get over this, no matter how it goes. I’ll never be normal again. My boy’ll never be normal. It’s so damn selfish, I know, but that’s what I think.
Him: I’d think that too. Look, I don’t know what would happen if my wife got sick – and I never wanna think about that – but I’d like to think I’d do exactly what you did.
Me: What if I cursed her? (pause) I wonder if I shoulda let her go the day she collapsed. Saved her from all this.
Him: If you did that, you and I would be in another bar with you wondering, “Should I have tried to save her?” Look, when my mom passed, I kept wondering if there was more I could have done to save her. Even now, think about that weekly. Here, at least, you know you’ve done everything.
Me: What if it’s not enough?
Him: You’ll never know unless you do it. (motioning to the bartender) Another drink?
Me: (shaking head) Gotta get back. I can’t even self-medicate.
Him: (laughing) You will at some point. I’ll help. That you never need to worry about.
———-
We left the hospital last week. She had pneumonia, a blood clot in her leg, and an unknown blood issue that they couldn’t resolve. Since they couldn’t treat the last one, I just asked them to release us.
It’s par for course for this damn disease. Everything is an unknown in an unknown. It’s just hell.
Location: home again, but for how long?
Mood: gutted
Music: I’m fragile – I try not to be
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.
11 replies on “Conversations with friends outside a hospital”
Logan it sucks so bad. Fucking sucks.
It’s just insane. I’ve been thinking of giving you a ring again for some more advice but finding the time to do anything is such a luxury these days.
Due to all the idk idk from doctors. I have this hate and disdain for hospitals. I feel like I’m in healthcare in some way to get my revenge. Sometimes I feel so angry with all the malpractice cases I read and the times when I’ve seen fellows make mistakes in patient charts and prescriptions. I’m not a nurse or doctor but I can see mistakes. Maybe it’s this crappy weather or the state of America but I feel pretty mad and sad today. Keep strong. It’s not your fault and you sure are doing the best any human being can.
I am doing the best I can – I just don’t think it’s good enough against this #$@#$@#$ cancer.
And we could talk for hours over the mistakes made and chances lost. Like you, when I think of it, I get incensed…
Hey Logan – I just wanted to say that there’s no such thing as “normal” so I hope you don’t get stuck in that stage of thinking. Sadly, you’re not the first family I know that this has happened to, and even though it’s hard, you will find a new normal that will match the changed you. I don’t want to go all psychobabbly grief/change cycles on you, but I have noticed that you have an amazing support system (to the point where I wonder about mine!) so please share with them if you can. 🙂
I do have a great support system, I have to say. But that’s just for me. I wish I had something to save her at the ready. All I do is worry and wish.
And I suppose “normal” isn’t the right word. I know we’re a story that people talk about – “Have you heard about Logan and his wife?” I understand that. I would probably do/say the same thing. I just wish it weren’t the case.
Like I say, all I do is worry and wish.
[…] spent her birthday by her lonesome getting cut open yet again as we went to the emergency room for the […]
[…] I got back, they told me that the operation was a success although that old blood issue has cropped up again with another new […]
[…] I further help the floating by forcing myself to not think about the loss, and self-medicating. […]
[…] little while ago, when Alison was in the ER for the umpteenth time, two buddies of mine showed up despite my telling them not […]
[…] people I saw since I only ever was at my pad, the hospital, or the gym. Unless one of my buddies showed up at one of those places, didn’t see them, even if they were just around the […]