Die Berlingirl 2

Wrapping up my convo with Berlingirl and someone else as well.

That went well

One of the reasons I was ok with Berlingirl meeting the boy was because of what ABFF told me the day before.

In any case, Berlingirl came back once with her boyfriend while Alison was sick but with my schedule and Alison, I couldn’t meet up with her.

Whenever I meet up with anyone I dated, I use it as a chance to get feedback on what I did wrong and what I did right.

Me: I have to ask you: As a foreigner, meeting a complete stranger, and going to his basement apartment – which, let’s face it, was pretty sketch back then – weren’t you scared at all?
Berlingirl: (laughing) Definitely! I remember we were watching an action film and it was a bit scary for me. I told you that and…you were so sweet! You turned it off and we just talked.

I’ve no contact with anyone I was in a serious relationship with – I’m neither a psychopath nor a narcissist – but I’m oddly very proud that several people I casually dated remain friendly with me.

Me: Did I ever tell you that immediately after I met you, I met another German dancer?
Her: (laughs) There’re a lot of us.
Me: I honestly don’t remember if we dated or not.

She had her own questions.

Her: What’s going on with you and Maus?

I told her what I was willing to say.

Her: Well, there’s no relationship if there’s no communication. (sympathetically) I’m sorry everything’s like this.
Me: I’ll survive. It’s what I do. (later) I’m glad you came to visit us, Berlingirl.
Her: (nodding) Me too. I’ll be back.

Also taken 12 years ago

With all this in mind, I gave another female friend of mine a ring. We dated as well, in a manner of speaking.

Me: It’s me. (thinking) I was wondering if you wanted to meet the boy.
Her: (long pause) No, Logan. It’s fine. It’s not a big deal anymore.
Me: (nodding on the phone) I figured. I just wanted to offer. And to say that I’m sorry…for a lotta things.
Her: Why? As you always said, things are they way they are. We accept them or we don’t. Anyway, I have to go, Logan. I’m cooking dinner for my boyfriend.
Me: Of course, I…
Her: (click)
Me: (nodding) That went well…

I deleted her number. It’s for the best. There’s zero point in trying to communicate with anyone that doesn’t want to hear from you. That’s how stalkers are made.

The next day, the boy asked about Maus and then said:

Him: I liked your friend. She was nice.
Me: I liked her too, kiddo!
Him: Will she come back?
Me: (nodding) One day. Always be the kind of person people want to hang out with. And then, hopefully, they’ll visit someday.
Him: OK, papa. Can I have dessert?

The insomnia’s not as bad but it’s still not great. I’m sleeping in my own bed again.

Again, “sleep” is a relative term.

Location: my bed with the grey sheets
Mood: sad
Music: Every single night, I find it harder to sleep

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