Not everything
When I went to get the boy this past Friday, he was in tears. His teacher said they were all talking about parents and I think it hit him that he was different from everyone else.
He handed me the letter you see above.
Me: I’m sorry. I wish she was here too.
Him: (sadly) Why does she have to be dead?
Me: I don’t know, kid. I wish I had an answer.
Him: But you know everything.
Me: (sighing) Not everything…
I asked the boy to let me sleep in for Father’s Day and he did.
When I woke up, he told me excitedly that he had a present for me and proudly gave me…two dollars.
Him: I saved it for you.
Me: Thank you, very much. I love it.
He has eight dollars. Had.
That he gave me two dollars, or 25% of his net worth, was touching, in its way.
I thought about that comedian Ronny Chieng…
…but only in passing.
Alison always said that she just wanted him to be happy and a productive member of society. I wish she was here to help me make her wish come true.
But she’s not. So, I try my best to do what I think she woulda wanted.
Him: It’s fine! The teacher doesn’t care.
Me: But I care.
Him: Why?!
Me: (putting down computer and looking at him) Every decision you make, everything you do, is a little brick that makes you, you. Every kind and unkind thing you do, every kind and unkind thing someone does to you, every thoughtful and thoughtless thing you do, is a brick in your person. At some point, all these bricks will be in place and, for better or worse, you will be you. And it’ll be hard to change who you are, once you are, who you are.
Him: But…
Me: (interrupting) I’m not done. I’m answering your question. I want you to be the best you that you can be and that happens when you care about the little things. Because, after a while, all these little things aren’t what you do, the little things are who you are. It’s my job to help you be the best you that you can be. And I always do the best job I can. And that’s why I care. Now, do it again.
Him: (sighing) OK, papa…
He wanted me to have cake so I baked him cupcakes.
A new sitter that we’re trying out, Lindsey, came by for a few hours so I could do some personal things, which I’ll tell you about in another entry.
When they came back, we went for a bike ride on Father’s Day because that’s one of his favourite things to do with me.
We went to a playground waaaaay downtown…
…and stopped by the swingset under the West Side Highway.
Man, what a headtrip this kid will have, when he realizes how much of his childhood was spent under highways and in the big city.
I remembered being there with Alison as they were building it.
But I also thought of my own dad a lot today. I miss him terribly as well. Both of them woulda gotten such a kick outta the kid.
Speakinga bricks, I’ve been trying to be a brick wall again but it’s hard carrying as much grief as I do.
My brother sent me an article about long-term grief, which I’ll tell you about someday, maybe.
On the one hand, it can’t be healthy to carry this much grief alla time.
On the other hand, what is grief but love with no place to go?
Location: earlier tonight, 20 feet south, telling my favourite person in the world that he was my favourite person in the world
Mood: conflicted again
Music: Love is just a game (Spotify)
Like this post? Tell someone about it by clicking a button below.