I’m able to pay, for now
A little while ago, the Professor dropped me a line.
Him: If you’ve seen the HBO series Westworld there’s a line where a female robot is about to get her mind wiped again – to spare her from feeling the pain of her child s death – and she cries out “Please, no – the pain is all I have left.” I thought that line was quite powerful.
Me: (sighing) Yeah. Thinking of Alison and my dad is always painful but it’s better than not feeling anything at all, I think. Sometimes, I think differently, but for now, I agree.
There was also a NY Times Article that my brother sent me that had a subtitle that read, If grief is the price of love, I am unable to pay.
For now, I’m able to pay it.
But, early on, I thought paying it would kill me.
As I age, it’s a bit less painful.
Time just dulls everything.
Yet, when I do feel it, man do I feel it.
But I’d much rather feel it than forget her.
Because pain is the price we pay for love.
And pain is all I have left of her.
Well, that and the boy.
Him: I wish I knew her better.
Me: Me too, kiddo. You woulda loved her.
Him: And she woulda loved me?
Me: Oh, kiddo, she absolutely did. And she’d be so thrilled with the person you’re becoming.
Location: 2017, at least, in my head
Mood: complicated
Music: don’t look back from a hurt like that (Spotify)
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