You fight for that 1%

We’re home. She’s a much different person than when she left. But she has to keep fighting. Because I won’t let her stop.

I don’t accept it

Logan and Alison in Bermuda

Her: (crying)
Me: (awaking anxiously) Are you alright?
Her: I thought I died.

The night terrors have slowed down but haven’t stopped. But for better or worse they’re happening at home because Alison came home this week.

She’d been in the hospital for over a month. When she went in, the kid was just over 32 days old. He’s now more than twice that age and over twice as big.

When she first got home, she couldn’t look at him. Not long, anyway. She’d start to cry. Because he reminds her of what she’s missed out on. What she’s lost.

In some ways, that perfectly encapsulates what’s happened in the last two months.

The women that gave birth to him is not the woman here now. The woman that gave birth to him was a normal weight, with long blond hair, and an easy laugh. She was doing pregnancy work-out videos in the weeks leading to delivery.

Now, she’s only 100 pounds. Bald. With a foot-long scar encircling her head and another six-inch scar going from the top of her head to the base of her neck. She rarely smiles, let alone laughs.

And she sits in a wheelchair. She has little use of her left side. She’s a shadow of the person she was.

But I hope. I hope there’s some way she can be that person again. I believe she can be that person again.

In my gym, we get yelled at a lot. It’s not a place for the soft.

And we each get yelled at for specific things. For example, I get yelled at for accepting what’s called a “pass.”

Coach: Don’t accept it, don’t accept that pass!
Me: He was 99% passed!
Coach: (angrily) That means 1% not passed! 99 is not 100! You fight for that 1%. You don’t give up until it’s done. You’re not done at 99%! (kicks me)

And so it is here.

I don’t accept it: The prognosis. The statistics. This life. I refuse to accept any of it. Not for her, not for me.

Whatever the percentage we have, I refuse to accept it. We’ll fight until it’s done, whenever that may come.

Me: You didn’t. You’re still here. And you’re gonna be keep being here as long as you keep fighting, ok?
Her: OK.
Me: Go back to sleep. I’ll be here the whole time.

My gym is holding a fundraiser for Alison – this is the fourth or fifth one.

I’m so grateful that I have them supporting us. I’d have gone full raving without them.


Location: Home. There’s no place like it.
Mood: f__ this thing
Music: But I have the skill, yeah I have the will

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22 replies on “You fight for that 1%”

It broke my heart when you wrote “…he reminds her of what she’s missed”. I hope that he can be the motivator to kicking this cancer out. Stay strong Logan. I’ll pray for you. Thanks for giving us updates even while you’re going through rough times. I know it’s not easy to do so.

Thanks, Susan. I find it odd writing so much about her since I protected her as much as possible in the past. But I think we owe it to all the people that donated, like you (ie, cared) to let them know how she’s doing.

That makes me happy, knowing that so many people care what’s going on with her and us.

Hey Logan, every time you post my heart hurts for you and wish that I could do more than just sending some good thoughts your way right now. I think you’re even stronger than you imagine you are. And lucky to have your support. Hugs and kisses from my part of the world.

Well, first of all, you did more than just send good thoughts. Having said that, it matters. All these people pulling for her and hoping for the best for her and us, matters. As always, thanks for everything.

Hi Logan,
Such eloquent writing as always. Thanks for the updates.

Alison did miss out on something big, not to mention the physical changes, and she probably needs to mourn all that she’s suddenly lost. It must be incredibly shocking. Time shall heal. I’d say it’s a good sign that she is feeling this way; it is very normal. With your love and support (you amaze and inspire me), I’m sure she will recover with flying colors. Next week will be better.
I’m happy that she’s back home with you and the lil’ guy (and I hope you try -and enjoy- the place I recommended to you).

Percentages shmercentages.
There are always exceptions, and you are exceptional people.
I do not underestimate the power of resilience and positive thinking.
All my best to you three. Thinking of you a lot.

(P.S. Glad to know that you have such a supportive gym!)

Thanks for the kind words, as always.

She did but there are other moments I feel she’ll get. We remain hopeful and that alone is worth something. Next week will be better, I feel it has to be. And I too think she’s exceptional, and I think that she will prove this out.

And yes, my gym is just awesome. I have so many people there on our side that it’s awe-inspiring.

True. A month is not that long either. I know people who travel for work and are away from their young kids for much longer (and on frequent basis). There must be a post surgery/hospital type of blues that one gets right when returning home as well. I agree with you too that she’ll surely get those moments. Hoping she’s doing better this week.

Oh dear God, Logan. My heart just hurts reading this. I don’t know you IRL but I am so so so rooting for you and your wife and your new baby. Hang on. Tie that knot and hang on for dear life. We’ll try to make your load a tiny grain of rice lighter, as best as we can.

The positive thoughts and comments definitely help; it’s nice knowing that we have a corner of the internet rooting for us.

I went to school with Alison many years ago. I very much understand her feeling of mourning what was lost having gone through life threatening complications after the birth of my son this past October. It’s so easy to dwell on what has been lost but it became vitally important for me to focus on the blessings all around even in the midst of suffering. Despite Alison’s prognosis, there are many blessings too! Alison is still here despite her incredibly challenging circumstances! She is strong enough to be home now! She’s able to interact with your son! Cling to them!

And I couldn’t agree more about statistics. “And he said, the things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” Luke 18:27

Thinking of and praying for your little family!

I hope all of your complications sorted themselves out?

Thanks for the kind words and positivity. When Alison’s a bit stronger, I’ll relay everything to her. I’m trying to stay positive myself and spend time with the little one when I can.

Logan and Alison – We’re praying for you. Keep that fighting spirit alive!! There’s A LOT of people who don’t even know you just praying and cheering for you.

Thanks, Marybeth, it is encouraging to know that people are rooting for us. I’m hoping, always, for good things to tell you all.

Hey Logan,
I have not checked your blog for long time. I used to read them quite religiously. 🙂 Then after relocating back to S.E.A when internet is not that great, I only read here and there. Then today, I thought I should check your blog. And…so very sorry. 🙁

No words can be any consolation. But I do want to let you know that when I was going through chemo for Leukemia 8 years ago, those short videos you made with Rain kept me occupied! 🙂

Your previous post on Christmas brought tears to my eyes. I was hospitalized from Thanksgiving to few days after Christmas.

Sending extremely good thoughts your way, Allison and the baby.


Thank you for checking in, then. Yes, the holidays seem the hardest for everyone but every day seems to bring it’s own set of particular challenges. This isn’t what we thought our lives would be like right now. It’s horrifying. But then again, there’s not much else to do but press on and try and push through.

Ah, I loved those videos back then. I miss being young(er) and more carefree.

God leads you through so far. He will do the same as always. May we come to visit and do some energy work with her. Or is it too early? You are always in our prayers.

Thanks so much, Dr. Lee. Right now, she’s still fighting the weakness and nausea of the chemo and radiation. I’m hoping she’ll show some good improvement soon.

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