Just a cruel tease

Another surgery

Before all this hell
Before all this hell

Me: Can I tell you a joke?
Her: (nods)

Alison’s not doing great. Thought we had made a major turn for the better the other day but it was just a cruel tease.

She’s sleeping all the time again and can’t seem to keep any food down. She lost several pounds that we struggled to put on. The doctors want to operate on her yet again – and the expectation is that it means a minimum of three months that we can’t do any of the treatments we’ve been doing that might have caused some of the cancer shrinkage in the first place.

After a lot of soul searching, we’re back in the hospital at some point this month for surgery number seven.

Would do anything to take this burden from her.

It’s maddening. Every time we think we’re moving forward, we’re reminded of just what a beast this cancer is.

There’s one treatment left that we can still do while we wait for this surgery. It involves her breathing in a medication that burns like hell through a mask. Four times a day. So I try to help her pass the time as best I can.

Me: OK, so a teacher asked her class to make sentences using the word “beans.” One student says, “My father grows beans.” Another said, “I eat beans.” Then teacher turned to a little girl who thought for a second and said: “We’re all human beans.”
Her: (smiles)
Me: Well, if nothing else, you can’t divorce me.
Her: (through mask) I would never.
Me: Good. (quietly) Don’t ever leave me.


Location: this side of hell
Mood: crushed
Music: it’s not so tragic, if I don’t look down

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8 Replies to “Just a cruel tease”

  1. Thanks for the update. I wonder if there was a way for her to go on a retreat to the mountains. Somewhere with clean, fresh air. My grandmother who was once a nurse had told me the best medicine for a cancer patient is to breathe in clean, fresh air. Free from the pollution and stress of the city life.

    There is a place actually close by where the air is clean looking over the Hudson River where Mark Twain used to live, up in Wave Hill (in Riverdale, The Bronx). I think she would like it there if she was up to going out. It’s not easy. Cancer strikes quickly and hard, you never know which way it’ll go. Keep on keeping on . . . always.

    1. I wish they could come to where I live – in the heart of the French Alps – to a mountain retreat. Or to Annecy Lake, not far from me. NYC is rough. I’m sure they could use a vacation from it all.

      1. If she was well enough to travel, that would be great. Plus there are some cutting edge treatments in Germany we’d like to try.

        We could all use a vacation – I’m glad you’re getting one yourself soon.

        1. Thanks. Thinking of you guys a lot — hoping you will all get to go on a nice vacation soon (or at least go to a quieter place) when you get a break from these treatments.

    2. Once Alison gets stronger, the hope is that we can go to where her parents are, which is far less stressful than where we are now. Unfortunately, we have to be the city for treatments for the time being.

      But I agree with your grandmother; she needs some nature and some peace and quiet somehow – and soon.

  2. …Continued prayers on your behalf. You must both be totally exhausted. Rachel’s Kushi counselor told her to go as high up into the mountains & take deep breaths of the clean fresh air- one of the best things for your brain & blood. Kushi is nestled in one of those beautiful, magical places-Healing atmosphere, healing food. It’s all about the blood. Since our blood totally regenerates itself every 120 days, those Macrobiotic foods will totally transform her blood. If she can’t go to Kushi, the next best thing is to use those cookbooks & make those simple recipes to cook those liver cleansing & blood-purifying foods. When the liver cannot rid the body of toxins fast enough, they can’t go anywhere else except the overflow goes right back into the blood & also get stored in the visceral fat within the body, causing other health problems. Clean liver will give her cleaner, more pure blood, cleaner brain surround, build her immune system so her body can help fight this demon, shrink that disgusting cancer and give Alison way more energy. Poor precious woman-to have to go through this torture…. Logan, God will give you His wisdom. He gave it to Rachel & He is no respector of persons.

    1. The issue with Alison is swelling in the head, I’m afraid. So that we need to go back to surgery to deal with it. I hope you’re right and I get some wisdom and help as we need it.

  3. Praying for healing for Alison. The setbacks are heartbreaking. What a battle. Hope the time comes soon when you can get her.out of the city–and the treatments and surgery are tolerated well.

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