This has been possibly the worst week we’ve had in a while. Which says a lot.
A routine visit to the doctor indicated new growth. So what was supposed to be a quick 30-minute checkup, turned into a five-hour ordeal of needles – it’s always a f___ing boatload of needles – fluids, and drugs.
What’s even crazier is that Alison kept apologizing to me.
She’s so sorry that we had to go through this. So sorry that everything was taking so much time. So sorry that there was so much fear and uncertainty in our lives.
Wanted to give her a hug but couldn’t because there were too many damn wires and tubes everywhere.
I’ve always said that the truth is a powerful thing. It’s comforting to get some truth in a world of lies and half-truths, particularly now.
So, to comfort her, I waited until we were alone to give her a hug and then tell her the purest true thing I could.
Me: Please stop apologizing.
Her: I just feel so bad.
Me: Don’t. Everyone wants their life to mean something. To have some greater purpose. I want you to know that helping you in whatever way I can is the most noble and good thing I’ve ever done in my otherwise meaningless life. I’ve never done anything remotely as important and meaningful as this. It is my most prideful thing. If the high point of my life is that I’ve taken good care of you and the kid, I’d consider my life a complete success. For that, I am deeply, deeply grateful. I love you and the boy more than a fat kid loves cake. Stop apologizing. Thank you for giving me my most prideful thing.
Her: (nodding) Thank you too.
Location: around the corner from west hell
Mood: heartbroken, again
Music: Oh, just to be with you is having the best day of my life
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9 Replies to “My most prideful thing”
Sitting at the airport, waiting for a flight and just read this… Tears for both of you. Look to God for her healing Logan. He sent His Word (Jesus) to heal her. Continually praying for her complete & miraculous healing. He does still heal today. Just cry out to Him & trust Him for her life. May God continue to give you strength…
Logan, I don’t know you but I’m a long-time reader and occasional commenter. Words are inadequate to express how much some of us out there in the interwebz are walking alongside you and your family, along your minor and major victories and tragedies, how much we are rooting for you to find safe passage in a tumultuous ocean. Please just know that we are sharing in it all with you and hope to lend you strength. Big, big (interweb) hugs.
Melissa – I’m sorry for the late reply. Thank you for this kind comment and the virtual hugs.
As you now know, it’s looking bleak. And yet, I keep hoping that this isn’t her fate and that, somehow, things can be different.
So we wait and hope.