Best friends forever

I married Alison for her money

When we chatted about my theft, she noted that the amount that was taken was almost exactly the sum of what she had at the time.

Told her that the thing that bothered me most about the theft was what the money represented. Being a busboy in a Chinese restaurant. Walking home instead of spending the buck it took for the bus. Going to the library for textbooks instead of buying them.

And I told her that knowing that she had money made me like her more. Because she lived simply. She drove a Civic. She had roommates. She still used the same television she bought in college – something I mocked her for, relentlessly.

That’s when I told her that I thought she and I would be great together if we got serious.

Her: So, you want to be with me for my money?
Me: (laughing) Sure. It’s not the money but what the money represents. Self-discipline, planning, priorities, etc. (winking) I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll spend our entire relationship trying to get at it.
Her: (smiling) At least you’re honest.

The kid came back on Sunday so I’ve been sober since then. Yesterday, gathered up the courage to go to her bank and close out her account.

Thought about what I said her all those years ago and felt gross. So gross that I took a shower and broke down in it.

Afterward, created an online account for everything from her that I’m gonna use for the kid. Because I want none of it.

He’ll get everything she worked so hard and sacrificed for. Because her money represents the sum of her life’s effort and sacrifice.

And the kid represents the sum of all her hopes and dreams.

Even in death, she’ll take care of him. Cause she loved him even before he existed. It’s why I married her.

Right after he was born…

Her: Oh, I love him. Look at all that hair! (beaming) Isn’t he beautiful?
Me: (solemnly) This whole thing is beautiful.
Her: (looking at him) We’re gonna be best friends, you and me. Best friends forever. (kisses him)

I’ll be shutting down the YouCaring page soon. It’s time to try pull myself together and put myself back into the stream of life.

No idea how I’m gonna do it, but I will. It’s what she woulda wanted.

Location: Soberville. It sucks here.
Mood: heartbroken
Music: people always wave goodbye and say hello

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3 Replies to “Best friends forever”

  1. You’ll pull it back together bit by bit, little habitual routines that will allow you to auto-pilot your way through the survival mode. It will feel as if you are hardly conscious but after some while with much patience and even more kindness to yourself, a small, green bud of awareness to life will unfurl and awaken again. We will be patient here with you.

  2. Dear Logan – My deepest condolences to you and the family. Alison and I worked together at HKI. I’ve been following your blog, and praying for your strength to raise your beautiful son. My memory of Alison is talking baseball and whether the Yankees would make it to the world series again. I would speak to her in Spanish so she would practice and not forget. Alison enjoyed the interaction. She was always at her desk crunching numbers and sometimes I would see her eat yogurt and cereal. (she wasn’t a big eater) I do remember a special day when she came to work with an extra spark in her eye…and that’s the day she married you. I have no words…just to say I’m so sorry for your loss. She will live in your heart and in the eyes of Nate.

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