My Bobby Pin Monster

I sometimes think that I’ll be ok and then something small hits me and knocks me to my knees again. I’m tired of getting hit alla time.

Being hit all the time

Have you ever been hit in the solar plexus?

When I was a kid, got hit there a buncha times. What happens when you get hit there is that your diaphragm spasms and you can’t breathe at all.

You get lightheaded and double over, fall to your knees, and/or pass out.

Find myself regularly feeling something similar for a variety of reasons.

When I got those emails from my neighbor, for example, I had that feeling.

Just got it last night while (still) trying to clean up.

Alison used to joke with me that I’d never just put things back where I found them when I took them out.

I’d retort that I was always finding her long hair as well as random bobby pins everywhere.

There’s a table we have that still has Christmas decorations on it. Finally found the strength to start cleaning it when I found two bobby pins behind a basket.

And I felt that same hit in my solar plexus I felt as a kid and had to sit down. I haven’t seen her hair anywhere in over a year.

This was probably the last time I’d ever find bobby pins from her ever again.

So much for cleaning any more that day.

I can’t handle all the unexpected hits all the time.

Can’t handle being hit all the time. It’s slow torture.


April 2014…

Her: Is that a jar of peanut butter next to the bed?
Me: … No?
Her: Why is there a jar of peanut butter in the bedroom?!
Me: It’s probably the same creature that sheds bobby pins all over the place.
Her: (laughing) Great, we have a peanut-butter eating monster made up of bobby pins somewhere in the house.


Location: in front of a donut and rum, the breakfast of champions
Mood: struggling still
Music: taken more hits than a world war blitz

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6 replies on “My Bobby Pin Monster”

Guess thats why people move away. To forget. Then it hits you again years later. Praying for you.

I thought about that – but as I told a friend of mine, I don’t think I have the mental and emotional capacity to (a) sell my apartment while (b) buying a new one and (c) raising the kid.

For now, I have to try to keep going on here, somehow.

Finding those Bobby pins could be her way of letting you know she’s still around. It hurts now. Hopefully in time signs that she’s still around you will hurt less and comfort more.

It does hurt, indeed. I feel I need some time and distance, which is all but impossible here.

Hi Logan, I hope you and your boy are doing okay today. I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you. I believe you can and will get through this.

My friends agree with you; me, I’m not so sure. I suppose only time will tell.

Thanks for the comment and positivity, though.

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