Hope springs eternal

Had a pretty soul-crushing Father’s Day. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you so just trust me on it.

The crazy continues

Was at the police station last week because this mentally disturbed religious nut of a neighbor sent me this long insane email that crushed me with it’s cruelty and pretty sick use of Alison’s passing.

Me: So you can’t actually do anything unless she physically assaults me? Did you read the sick things she wrote?
Policewoman: Yes. But she has to actually take a physical step before we can do anything.
Me: Ma’am, if she physically assaults me, one of us is gonna have a really bad day and it’s probably not gonna be me.

Then I went to see my dad at the hospital, which was excruciating.

All-in-all, a pretty soul-crushing Father’s Day Weekend.

Did write Leigh’s husband to ask him how he dealt with the loss and he wrote me back this long and incredibly kind message. He survived the blow, somehow. I know I have to as well.

For now, I wait for 8PM to come every night so I can have my one drink and pharmaceuticals and hope tomorrow is a better day.

No luck yet, but hope springs eternal, yeah?

Him: How’re you doing tonight?
Me: Same as yesterday.
Him: Consistency is good.
Me: (shrugging) Everything is consistently craptastic so I just go with it.


Location: underwater
Mood: still broken
Music: here I stand, as a broken man

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14 replies on “Hope springs eternal”

That sounds like a crazy (and upsetting) weekend. Glad the nightly pharmaceuticals and drink are helping. You have hope for tomorrow, that’s a good thing.

Hello! I’ve always responded to every comment in my blog in the past but the past few weeks, as you might have guessed, have been very different.

Yes, hope is really all I have at the moment. And the kid. I suppose that’s enough to get me through this.

Thanks for your reply, I wasn’t expecting one but I’m glad you did. Maybe that’s enough to get you through this, maybe not. Life on your own with a child can be lonely, it was for me anyway. I hope it’s different for you. I also hope your dad is comfortable today. You could do without your neighbour sending crazy emails.

Hi Logan,
Been thinking for weeks on what to write, but couldn’t really think of anything good to say. I prayed for you guys so often and even during the times when it didn’t sound good, I prayed for a miracle to be given to you. I was disappointed and sad that it didn’t go that way…. I know a lot of people have been touched by your journey, but it really hit me hard as I feel like we are in somewhat similar situations. It sucks and it’s totally unfair and nothing makes sense. Time is our worst enemy, am I right?? Wishing it would go faster, slower, or just stop. I hope time quickly heals the void you are experiencing now… Alison seemed like a beautiful person inside/out and she was truly lucky to have you. Happy belated Father’s Day, Logan. He probably doesn’t know it yet, but he has a superhero dad 🙂

“Wishing it would go faster, slower, or just stop.”

That’s exactly right. I wish I could go back and try again; do things differently in the hopes of a different outcome.

And for now, it drags. I keep hoping that I’ll wake up and everything will be much better, but it never is.

I’m your last post as my cue to make contact, even though everything I have to say sounds feeble, pointless and inadequate. I tried to find an email address for you and failed, so a comment it is.

Canadian insomniac, here. We shared emails and late night phone calls many years ago but in all the time that’s passed I’ve never stopped believing you are a great human being who deserves nothing but a world of good. I was extremely happy when you found your person, sad when you stopped posting regularly and absolutely gutted when you resumed because your world was falling apart. I’ve thought about getting in touch but hesitated, until now.

I’m horrified to know your heart has been chewed up and spit out, and that the world has the audicity to continue to burden you with way more than one person should have to stomach.

The thing is, if there is a man in this world who can be broken and endure one tragedy after another and still somehow manage to raise a son who is a great human being – it’s you, Logan. I know you are living in agony, but I know your boy is in good hands.

If I had the power to make deals with the universe, you’d certainly not be where you are today. I have no pull when it comes to what you’re forced to endure, but you and your boy will feature in my prayers. There’s a lame quote that goes something along the lines of “when you’re in hell, keep walking” but I think in your case, it applies?

Much love to you and yours.

Hi there, Mandapants – it’s been ages.

If there’s anything good to come out of this horror, its that people from my past reach out and tell me that they wish good things for me and my family. That I am thankful for.

As for walking through hell, I don’t have much choice in the matter. I can’t leave the boy alone in this world. So I’ll stay as long as I can to keep him company.

Are you still posting? I seem to recall that your blog stopped or that it became private.

Hi Logan, I forgot to thank you in my previous message for introducing me to the band Sheppard in your music link yesterday. I hadn’t heard of them before. Geronimo is so awesome, I danced to it in my kitchen this morning! I imagine that’s what you and Alison would do too. The lyrics are lovely. They perfectly explain how you were feeling yesterday.

Oh, they’re great, aren’t they? My brother introduced them to me. I’ll probably link to another one of their songs soon.

I always wonder if anyone bothers to click on those song links. I just like giving people a sense of what I’m listening to as I write, as I’m always listening to something.

You’re in my thoughts, Logan. You’ve got a heart full of love and I hope it nurtures you as much as you nurture others. If you ever just need an ear, let me know. No reply necessary, but feel free to reach out.

Thanks, JS. We’ve known each other for ages. It’s amazing how much has transpired in both our lives during this time.

I wish I could go back and redo everything. It’s the wish of everyone that lost someone, I think.

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