All the bonuses you didn’t want
Friday will be exactly two years since Alison left. It’s hard for me to comprehend. She’s forever young.
No one wants to be forever young this way.
In those two years, I’ve dreamt of Alison exactly once. It was a late last year and I wanted to keep it to myself and tell you when the time was right. Suppose that’s today.
I dreamt that it was this day. and I was here/here, which is Bethesda Fountain in Central Park.
In the dream – and in real life – we were running late to a wedding. She told me to hurry up and walked down the steps leading to Bethesda Fountain and I ran after her.
She turned to smile at me one last time before disappearing around a bend. Stuck behind a crowd, I ran after her but she was gone.
I ran down the stairs and looked for her, then up again, then back down again. I never saw her again.
Then I woke up and plead to a god I don’t believe in to let me go back.
And I got the same fucking answer I always do.
It’s the same answer everyone gets.
People don’t seem to get it.
It wasn’t just Alison that died that day; my family died that day. All the hopes and dreams she and I talked about for so long, died that day. Everything we thought would be, died that day.
All our big dreams and little dreams died with her.
You know, something she talked about all the time when she was pregnant was how excited she was to push a stroller and hold a goddamn cup of coffee in the Upper West Side. She never got the chance.
How fucked up is that?
Losing alla that’s just bonus you get for free with the death of someone you love. It’s all bonus for shit you didn’t want in the first place.
Almost everything you ever loved dies all-at-fucking once.
Just like that. Poof. It all fades to black.
Location: hell again
Mood: hollowed-out
Music: So many dreams swinging out of the blue. Oh, let it come true
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7 replies on “It all fades to black, Pt 1”
I still remember reading your post about how you’re just floating. Didn’t really get what you meant by that until recently :(. Hope things have been getting easier for you. This cancer thing really sucks…. I feel like life has robbed me in more ways than one.
I’m so sorry that you know what I mean – and that you can relate so well to these particular posts. I still hold out hope that someone I know is an outlier.
Allison was a beautiful person inside and out. I hope your pain button can shrink faster. I hope yu find some peace.
You and me both, man. Thanks.
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