Zima, Cool Ranch Doritos, and Tommy Lee Jones
Mouse tried to rip my lower leg off this past weekend. She almost succeeded.
Chad: I could make her a world-champion. Dude, I think she’s the most talented person I’ve ever trained.
Me: Thanks for teaching my erstwhile girlfriend how to kill me.
Spent most of the weekend working on projects but I did manage to see her, Chad, Cho, and some other friends here and there. Chad wanted to watch 1917, so we rented it. It was pretty depressing.
Me: Thanks for the film suggestion. Do you want to slap me and kick her in the face now?
Him: Nah, I think I’ve done enough.
Him: What the hell’s a “Great Auk?”
Me: It’s a large, flightless, extinct bird.
Him: You can’t just put “Great” in front of a bird and say it starts with, “G!”
Me: OK Google, what’s a Great Auk?
Machine: According to Wikipedia, “The great auk is a species of flightless alcid that became extinct in the mid-19th century. It was the only modern species in the genus Pinguinus.”
Him: OK, stop, stop. Just take it.
But really, the best conversations of the weekend were with Mouse.
Her: What’s a Zima?
Me: You don’t know what a Zima is?
Her: Is it an old person thing?
Me: (long pause) Yes. (later) It’s essentially a clear beer.
Her: (puzzled) Why don’t you just drink beer?
Me: (nodding slowly) Yup.
Although she’s not wrong about me being crazy old. I’m forgetting everything:
Her: Send me that recipe in a text.
Me: OK. (sends Mouse a text, then hears her text chime on her phone) Oh, you just got a text!
Her: (confused) Wait, that’s you right?
Me: No, it’s your phone.
Her: No, YOU just sent me a text.
Me: What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?!
Me: Do you know who Tommy Lee Jones’s roommate was in college?
Her: Well, considering how old he is, you?
Me: (nodding slowly)
Although she has her own issues:
Her: I think that killing people is like eating Cool Ranch Doritos.
Me: How so?
Her: Once you start, it’s hard to stop.
Me: I don’t know where to start with this.
…plus between her, the kid, and me, I’m not sure how we’d make enough money to survive together.
For example, just tonight for dinner, she ate two 1/2 pound burgers, a whole head of lettuce, a hot dog, a bag of chips, an avocado, some chocolate, a cup of coffee and a cup of tea…
Me: If we ever end up together is this what’s waiting for me?
Her: Waiting for you? This is happening right now. This is happening.
Well, certainly, something’s happening.