Tag: funny

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personal

Locking and unlocking

Good Vibes Only

I unlocked a new level the other day.

A woman, let’s call her Jill, that occasionally watches my son for me has a copy of my keys and she left something here the other day.

She told me she’d swing by one afternoon but I forgot to put it in the calendar.

Fast forward to a rando day recently and I’d stepped outta the bathroom in my birthday suit as the kid was in school.

It was at that exact moment that she decided to show up and our eyes locked like a 1930s western or a 1980s rom-com.

She’s not originally from America so the conversation below is edited slightly.

Her: Logan! I texted!
Me: OMG! I was in the shower!
Her: I can see!
Me: No, I mean I didn’t…I should go back into the bathroom.
Her: Yes!

I tell myself that I’ve either advanced Chinese-American relations with her people or set them back.

Suppose only time will tell.

Edit: I was supposed to head over to my friend Lisa’s big birthday bash this past weekend but my other sitter had to cancel.

Jill was one of at least seven sitters that I called and she couldn’t make it.

So, I’m gonna say the Chinese-American relations may be damaged here…

Location: yesterday, a scavenger hunt in the rain in the UWS
Mood: peckish
Music: let’s make this house our home (Spotify)
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Conversations with Mouse

Zima, Cool Ranch Doritos, and Tommy Lee Jones

Mouse tried to rip my lower leg off this past weekend. She almost succeeded.

Chad: I could make her a world-champion. Dude, I think she’s the most talented person I’ve ever trained.
Me: Thanks for teaching my erstwhile girlfriend how to kill me.

Spent most of the weekend working on projects but I did manage to see her, Chad, Cho, and some other friends here and there. Chad wanted to watch 1917, so we rented it. It was pretty depressing.

Me: Thanks for the film suggestion. Do you want to slap me and kick her in the face now?
Him: Nah, I think I’ve done enough.

Curt also stopped by for random board games one night. We were doing Scattergories and the category was: Birds that begin with the letter “G.”

Him: What the hell’s a “Great Auk?”
Me: It’s a large, flightless, extinct bird.
Him: You can’t just put “Great” in front of a bird and say it starts with, “G!”
Me: OK Google, what’s a Great Auk?
Machine: According to Wikipedia, “The great auk is a species of flightless alcid that became extinct in the mid-19th century. It was the only modern species in the genus Pinguinus.”
Him: OK, stop, stop. Just take it.

But really, the best conversations of the weekend were with Mouse.

Her: What’s a Zima?
Me: You don’t know what a Zima is?
Her: Is it an old person thing?
Me: (long pause) Yes. (later) It’s essentially a clear beer.
Her: (puzzled) Why don’t you just drink beer?
Me: (nodding slowly) Yup.

Although she’s not wrong about me being crazy old. I’m forgetting everything:

Her: Send me that recipe in a text.
Me: OK. (sends Mouse a text, then hears her text chime on her phone) Oh, you just got a text!
Her: (confused) Wait, that’s you right?
Me: No, it’s your phone.
Her: No, YOU just sent me a text.
Me: What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?!

It’s been a recurring theme. For example, we also saw The Hunted for a future episode of Scenic Fights, Fight Scene Breakdown.

Me: Do you know who Tommy Lee Jones’s roommate was in college?
Her: Well, considering how old he is, you?
Me:  (nodding slowly)

Although she has her own issues:

Her: I think that killing people is like eating Cool Ranch Doritos.
Me: How so?
Her: Once you start, it’s hard to stop.
Me: I don’t know where to start with this.

…plus between her, the kid, and me, I’m not sure how we’d make enough money to survive together.

For example, just tonight for dinner, she ate two 1/2 pound burgers, a whole head of lettuce, a hot dog, a bag of chips, an avocado, some chocolate, a cup of coffee and a cup of tea…

Me: If we ever end up together is this what’s waiting for me?
Her: Waiting for you? This is happening right now. This is happening.

Well, certainly, something’s happening.

Podcast Version
Location: home, helping a tenant fix her faucet
Mood: amused
Music: I know I talk too much (Spotify)

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personal

Iceland has no mosquitoes

Organizing knives

Me: HOLY SHIT!
Him: Hey, hey, easy, easy, it’s just me.

Iceland’s the only developed place on the planet with no mosquitoes. It’s a quirk of time, luck, fate, and position that brought them to that unique distinction.

In a lotta ways, we’re no different. I tell people that we’re only given about 27,000 days total here. It’s not enough time. What we do with those days makes us who we are – slowly, inexorably, irreversibly.

Minute changes in our life make us who we are until we’re calcified, one way or another.

This was a long and strange weekend, which I’m still trying to sort out in my head. But, by the time you read this, it’ll be June. So, my head’s a lot clearer.

I don’t feel as rough as I have lately, but I also don’t really feel like myself. I’m changing again. I feel it. And I have some new old friends to come with.

On that note, for the second time in less than a year, I opened a door to find someone sitting on my white couch, waiting for me.

This time, though, I’d actually given him the key back when I had COVID. In fact, I went through alla the people that have access to my apartment and got rid of everyone who shouldn’t have a key and kept those that should.

You’d be surprised at how many people I trust with this – and who.

(years ago)
Alison: Logan! Why did I find a knife taped to the back of the toilet?!
Me: Oh, I have, uh, knives hidden everywhere in the house?
Her: What. Is. Wrong with you?
Me: Ok, take a seat. It all started when I brought a yoghurt to kindergarten and Sister Mary…

One thing that I did this past weekend was finally find all the knives I’ve always had hidden around the house.

This was kismet.

Me: (putting on a shirt) Dude, you’re lucky I reorganized alla my knives. Did you shut the door immediately when you came in? I’ve got two mosquitoes somewhere in the house.
Him: Oh man, then I’m screwed, they love me.
Me: So, what happened last night that brought you here today?
Him: Oh man, it was a crazy night. So…
Me: Wait, let’s get some coffee first. You know where that is.

On a slightly more serious note, another one of my buddies is concerned about looters because they hit just a block from his pad.

That whole situation is something else that I’m trying to sort out in my head.  Everything.

As for my buddy, he and wife are both trained and armed, though.

So, I’m not quite as worried for him.

 

Note: If you and your child have been to my house, they were always hidden no lower than my chest, so your kids were never in harm’s way.

Podcast Version
Location: my room, surrounded by sharp instruments
Mood: sober since the 25th; until he showed up, that is…
Music: no one listens to me (Spotify)
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personal

Slooooowly walking all over the city

Neir’s Tavern from Goodfellas

Neir's Tavern from Goodfellas
End up having to go to Harlem, the Bronx, and then immediately out to Brooklyn for work last week. That’s bad enough on a regular day and worse with a bum knee.

Everything took twice as long.

Actually ended up crossing the border between Brooklyn and Queens – which means I hit every borough except Staten Island that day – and found myself in front of Neil’s Tavern, which is where some pivotal scenes of Goodfellas were shot.

It was in the middle of the work day and I had another client meeting so I couldn’t stop by for a drink. But I told myself I’d come back.

Over the weekend, my cousin crashed on my couch to prepare for the Triathlon, which is in the UWS so she got to see my insomnia on display at 4AM.

Her: You’re awake?
Me: I’m always awake.

After she finished up, we went out for some Cuban-Chinese food in the hood and then I got back to work.

I’ve got some other interesting news to tell you about but I’ll tell you after it’s settled down some.

Him: Remind me, what’s Neir’s? Did we use to sell crack rock out of that place?
Me: First of all, you *know* we sold crack rock out of Neir’s because you said, “Logan, let’s sell crack rock out of Neir’s.” And I said, “You just need the word ‘crack,’ as the word ‘rock’ is superfluous in that sentence.” Secondly, it’s also where Henry finds out Nicky is gonna be made. Although that didn’t turn out how they expected.

John Venn on Google today - 2014.08.04

Just realized that today’s John Venn‘s birthday, the guy that made Venn Diagrams and large influence on how I see the world.

Location: hobbling to the gym
Mood: still hobble-y
Music: you, you can be mean And I, I’ll drink all the time
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Naked cupcakes, peanut butter, ribs, and wings

When you’re 41, you can eat naked cupcakes and peanut butter out of the jar

Jar of peanut butter next to bed

Her: What are you having for breakfast?
Me: A naked cupcake.
Her: I knew this would happen after you got your results!

Went to the doc’s the other day for my annual checkup. Got a clean bill of health – cholesterol is less than 200, low blood sugar, low resting heart rate, etc – and this conversation:

Him: Do you eat fish every day?
Me: No. Maybe once a week, why?
Him: The last time I saw triglycerides this low, it was on a fisherman.
Me: Well, I do drink a lot of rum, so in that sense, I’m like a guy at sea.
Him: (laughing) I don’t think that’s it.

So I immediately went home and slow baked a dozen chicken wings and a rack of Alton Brown’s Who Loves Ya Baby-back Ribs. I shoulda taken a pic.

In a few more days, I’ll probably go back to eating a lot of beans and downing wheat-grass shakes but if I’m gonna be 41, I’m going to try and enjoy it as best I can.

Her: Is that a jar of peanut butter next to the bed?
Me: … No?

Location: in front of some more deadlines
Mood: pensive
Music: It’s so unright, it’s so unright, it’s a technical, accept it
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A walk with David and Goliath

Reading Malcolm Gladwell’s David and Goliath

Me: I took an online health quiz and it says my real age is 20.
Her: 20? That seems too young.
Me: I work out 1.5 hours a day!
Her: Ok, but were there any questions about how many hot dogs or pieces of fried chicken you eat?

My wife and I went out for a walk this past weekend. Stopped by the local bookstore and picked up Malcolm Gladwell’s David and Goliath.

I’m only about seven chapters in, but like all his other books, the writing is snappy and subject matter is interesting. The basic premise is that the things that we think of as disadvantages may work out to be advantages and vice versa. But only time can show which is which.

This is a recurring theme in this blog as I think it’s all about growing into one’s self.

There’s this place in the Indian Ocean called the Desolation Islands that has an odd feature about the insects there: they don’t have wings and the particular species of insects are supposed to.

What the scientists have figured out is that the winds there are so strong that the ones that had wings were blown off centuries ago, leaving only the ones without wings.

Dunno if Gladwell mentions this in his book but it fits into his basic theme.

In my case, my childhood disadvantages – my astounding nerdy-ness and weight as a child – have helped me greatly as an adult.

With this in mind, I’m sure my constant eating of fried chicken will be an advantage in some capacity someday, if it hasn’t already.

Wrestling buddy: Oooooph, jeez how much do you weigh?!
Me: 170. Mostly as a one inch layer of fat distributed evenly throughout my body.
Him: I can’t breathe.

I’m actually writing another book myself called, A Great First Date that I’m hoping to be done with in a month of so.

I’ll tell you more about it as I wrap it up.

Location: my desk, icing my leg
Mood: injured
Music: The better things I have to say will fall to you
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What if there’s a monster?

That’s why they call you Jerkface McGee.

Washington Square Park NYC in early Spring 2013

Her: I’m going away for three days, are you going to miss me?
Me: Yes.
Her: (smiles)
Me: What if there’s a monster? Who am I going to throw at it?

Bag of Doritos

The wife is off for a work thingy this week so that means I’ve:

  • queued up hours of documentaries on Netflix.
  • arranged what I like to call “rum-tasings” but you might just call drinking
  • already scheduled time at my local halal cart for pickups
  • began what I like to call “cleaning out the fridge” but you might call eating whatever I can find

But first, a breakfast of corn chips.

11 servings per container?

Clearly one of us is not good at math, good sir.

Her: …and that’s why they call you Jerkface McGee.
Me: Only you call me Jerface McGee!
Her: Says Jerkface McGee…

Location: regretting my choice of breakfast
Mood: ambitious
Music: I’ll see you when I fall asleep
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Well, that’s weird…

The time I almost electrocute myself…twice

Well, that’s weird, I thought as I peered into my aquarium, where’re all the fish? I looked closer and they were all floating. That’s not good. Interestingly, little bubbles were all over my plants – so many in fact, that one was freed from the gravel and floated up to the top.

Been busy and away a lot, but I had an electronic feeder so they should have been fine. Sighing, I grabbed the net and began to reach into the tank to fish soma the poor buggers out when: ZZZZAP!!!!

I got a nasty, nasty shock and jumped back. I thought, That can’t be. So I did what any red-blooded guy would do: I did it again

BAM! Another shock.

Dammit. The heater had fallen into the water and electrocuted all my fish.

Wish I could draw sometimes, because I think my life would make a good cartoon. (I actually did just that! I posted about my heater mishap on www.smartlyheated.com with a few illustrations.)

———-

Should be here until Friday for some work. I went to college there a long time ago. I’m looking forward to pigging out at the food hall – because, deep-down, I’m a fatty-fat-fat.

Location: 20:47 yest, exiting the subway
Mood: working
Music: oooh I really liked you, must have been your attitude
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business personal

Pets, Pt. III

 

Caffeineguy’s entry will explain. I miss my pets.

———-

Client: I need you in Syracuse next week. (pause) Think of it as a roadtrip.
Me: (scoffing) Sheeyah…

———-

Conversations with a friend:

Him: So basically, we’d be renting out small dogs for guys that wanna meet chicks.
Me: Well, what’s gonna happen when the betty actually shows up at the guy’s house and there’s no dog?
Him: That’s the brilliant part, he can just go, “Oh, Spike got hit by a car.” Then he also gets the sympathy vote too.
Me: Well, that’s just insane.
Him: Plus imagine we get a dog with only three legs. (pause) That’d be like…like gold!
Me: You’re going to hell.

Me? I’m going to Syracuse…

Location: 8PM yest, 6th and 3rd with Nadi & some rum
Mood: amused
Music: I’d rather be with…I’d rather be with an animal
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72nd to Canal Launched!

Went on a date and launched 72nd to Canal


(c) Veanne Cao

72nd to Canal is UP!

I’m going to have YouTube links to the site for Monday’s post, I’m just too beat today. I’ll tell you why later.

If you help us pimp the show, by linking, forwarding, emailing, whatnot, that’d be greatly appreciated.

Had dinner with a woman I had met a few times in the past the other night.

I was just meeting up as friends; I don’t know if she had other plans but things worked themselves out on their own.

Me: (ring, ring) Hello, this is Logan.
Her: (…) Do you know who this is?
Me: Um, hello?
Her: You didn’t program my number in?
Me: (long pause) Um…no.

Dinner was cold.

The food was fine.

The dinner itself was cold.

Location: my own blue bed
Mood: pleased
Music: now, overcast days never turned me on
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