It’s been five years
It’s been five years since you died. Half a decade. That blows my mind.
This May is better than it’s been in the past, which – honestly – isn’t saying all that much.
The boy and I both miss you terribly. Well, I do. He misses a daydream of what he thinks you are. If only he knew how much better you really were.
The place is a mess but I’m trying my best. I just started making my bed, though. It only took 49 years.
God, you’d love this kid so much, honey.
He’s made of peanut butter and awesome. He can sing! Like, legit sing and play an instrument. No lie.
I’m so proud of him, I could burst, babe. You would be too.
I love him like a fat kid loves cake.
I love him because, he’s ours.
There’s so much more – good and bad – but I’m tired. I try my best not to think of you because things go dark when I do and I can’t go dark with the boy around.
I am his guard, after all. I have a job to do.
So I busy myself all these ridiculous things like strangers, Scenic Fights, and Paxibellum, but I’m just passing the time. Honestly, I would have been thrilled if I had the chance to spend the rest of my life just being your big-headed husband and the boy’s papa.
That would have been glorious.
Do you remember that stupid Blackadder joke I told you about years ago?
Him: Life without you is like a broken pencil.
Her: (puzzled) Explain?
Him: Pointless.
I think about that joke almost every goddamn day.
But lately, as always during this time, I find myself wishing that you were here and I was not. But, you knew that. You always loved life so, whereas, I always just loved you.
I’m going to put you away in my head again because I have to. It’s the only way I’ve made it this far. It’s the only way I can do my job.
But I’ll love you until the end of the world.
You knew that too, I suppose.
I miss you so much. It’s agony.
Our boy is the only thing that keeps me here. Because, I hate it here without you.
It’s all so pointless. It’s all so fucking pointless.
In My Life
There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
Location: my possible pasts
Mood: heartbroken
Music: Not for better (Spotify)
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3 replies on “Dear Alison, it’s 2022…”
Amazed at the talent your little guy has. Wasn’t expecting the end and that’s got to be rough. Keep on keeping on, you’re doing great and he’ll be great because of it.
Hello, stranger. I am compelled to write to you. I went to high school with Alison, graduating in ‘97. I randomly came upon your blog and have been crying to learn of her passing. She was beautiful and so smart. I am a breast cancer survivor, diagnosed months after my 2nd child was born. After years of IVF, utter joy at becoming a mother, only to then have to fight for my life during a global pandemic. Yes, my story is different… yes, I’m here to tell it. I am grateful to be here for my kids yet so disturbed by how cruel life can be. I’ll pass on some genuine kindness to a stranger today in honor of Alison. It’s a small gesture, but hopefully it puts a smile on your face even if for a moment.
Thank you so much for writing me. I’m glad you found this entry and thought of her; she’s is someone worth remembering in this world and I’m grateful any time anyone does.
I miss her terribly. She was the love of my life.