Intellectually, I know
My buddy Ricky stopped by my pad the other day because he was in the neighborhood…
Me: The Firecracker baked cookies, you want one?
Him: Sure! (later) Is that real milk [in the coffee]?
Me: Shoot, yes. I shoulda thought about that.
…and Bryson gave me a ring to see how I was doing. I’m guessing they read up on my mom and wanted to make sure we were all ok.
Bryson: Dude, next time, before you rent a car, gimme a call. I’m happy to pick you up and get you to your mom.
Me: Thanks, man. I appreciate that. But, what’s going on with you?
Him: Nah, man, I didn’t call to talk about me, I called to check in on you.
I’m grateful for old friends that check in with me to make sure that I’m ok.
Speaking of being ok, I’ve been seeing a therapist for some time now.
She asked me this past week the details of what happened with Alison.
Me: Oh, I thought I told you.
Her: You only told me that she died and your struggles with everything. You never told me the details.
So, I did.
About halfway through it all, I realized that she was crying. By the time I wasdone, she was pretty emotional – well, as emotional as a professional can get.
Her: (drying her eyes) That’s a lot for you to have dealt with.
Me: She dealt with more.
Her: Well, thank you for sharing with me. And you should be kinder to yourself.
Told her that I felt guilty that I was alive and got to spend alla this time with the kid and she didn’t.
She only got to hold him once.
Just writing that sentence fills me with both sadness, anger, guilt, and a bevy of other emotions I can’t fully express with my limited vocabulary.
Her: There’s useful guilt and useless guilt.
Me: (nodding) I know. Intellectually, I know. Emotionally is a different matter.
Such a different matter.
Location: In my head again for a bit
Mood: worn-down
Music: My mind, it likes replaying my regrets all night. My pain, I hide (Spotify)
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