Tag: exes

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personal

Finding out

Moving on from the breakup

That’s my houseplant, Harold. He keeps mostly to himself.

———-

Bought a new bed about four months ago.

Stopped making two cups of coffee every morning about three months ago.

Stopped thinking about her constantly about two months ago.

Last week we finally split up our phone plans (more on that later).

Just bought new linens and sheets.

I’m moving on.

But her shelves are still bare. Her side of the medicine cabinet is still empty. The spot where her desk used to be is still open.

The thing is, they’re not empty for her.

Tuesday night, I gave in and called one of those women I said I wouldn’t. Something about the weather I guess. Last night, we met up and were out for eight hours in the first real NYC snow of the year. Laughed harder than I have in months.

Maybe nothing.

Maybe something.

Who knows?

Let’s find out.

Location: @3:03 AM, hopping a cab on 9th St & 3rd Ave.
Mood: Working
Music: in the faces you see, you’ll see just who you’ve been

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Categories
personal

Don’t wake me from the dream

Sometimes dreams seem so real, and we wish they were

Had a dream the other night that seemed so real.

Was in an old apartment I had and someone was washing the dishes. I came up behind her and tapped her shoulder and a face I haven’t seen in a while turned around to smile at me.

Her: (drying hands) You ok?
Me: What are you doing here?
Her: (laughing) I live here. Why? Are you trying to tell me something?
Me: You live here?
Her: Yes, I live here.
Me: Are we happy?
Her: What the hell’s wrong with you? The question is, are you happy?
Me: I am.
Her: Then what’s wrong?
Me: Not a thing. Everything is…everything is right.

Then I woke up.

I so didn’t want to wake up.

Location: @1:23AM, showering before bed
Mood: melancholy
Music: I’m so free…No black and white in the blue

Categories
dating personal

More Traveling

I’m just south of nowhere and east of limbo

I’m here right now – about 350+ miles from home. This place is so remote that there’s no airport nearby so I had to drive. You do a lot of thinking driving 350+ miles.

The last few times I drove so far, I thought about the ex constantly. I thought of her again, of course, but I also thought about other things.

A few years ago, a friend asked me to set him up with a Vietnam visa on arrival for him and his girlfriend from China. I started the paperwork.

A month or so later, I got a slim letter from him with a check; the letter read:

“We’re not getting married; here’s $600 for your time. Thanks!”

I didn’t know what to say. I had already starting being an impoverished writer so I cashed the check (I’m not a good person), gave him a quick call, confirmed he was ok and moved on. That was four years ago.

We spoke a little while ago. He told me that he spent two, three years casually dating but, in his heart, he thought that she might come back. They spoke occasionally. He got a call from her and she said that she was coming to visit America and would like to see him for dinner.

He was excited, of course, but when they sat down, she said that she came because she heard a bit of hope in his voice the last time they spoke. It bothered her that whole time so she flew 24+ hours to give him closure.

He said it was the nicest thing anyone ever did for him. He knew where he stood – that made him free.

I think he’s doing well now.

Anywho, I think about the ex a lot less and I think I’m almost at the point that I want to do something like that for her. The last time we spoke, I heard in her voice something like hope and I’m not looking for that right now. She’s not the girl I loved and I’m def. not that guy anymore. Oh, but what do I know?

I’ve become bland and malicious.

I’ve been doing a lot of things I’m not…oh you know…

So that’s where I am right now, just south of nowhere and east of limbo.

The weather’s crappy.

Location: South of nowhere and east of limbo.
Mood: Tired
Music: I’ma scuffle and struggle till I’m breathless and weak

Categories
personal

Voting Day

After a breakup, nothing makes sense

Went to vote today.

The joint was totally empty and a bunch of tired old people stood, smiled and shuffled me around when I arrived. It’s always cool to vote. It’s easy for me because my polling station is just across the street from my pad. I went in my pajama top and a pair of jeans and sneakers.

Whom I voted for is less important than the fact I did.

In my personal life, the ex and I spoke again last night for quite a while. Not sure what I should do about that whole thing. Not even sure what it all means.

When it comes down to it, miss being in love.

Man, I’m such a sap. And here I am voting in the most powerful country in the world.

They should have a screening process to keep out the saps.

Location: @4:00 – pulling levers
Mood: Working
Music: This is a message, pay attention
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Categories
personal

I wish I knew what it was like to be free

The Ex and I spoke today – it wasn’t bad. Which itself is bad.

Yet another tom otterness life underground picture

It’s Sunday according to the clock but the day was Saturday.

It’s been a weird couple of days but the weirdest thing is my ex called me at 8:27 this morning – the fact that I had only fallen asleep a couple of hours earlier (another story entirely) didn’t help matters.

Weirder still, we had a pleasant conversation. But I got off the phone with her after a bit because I could sense that I was feeling old feelings again and I’m not looking forward to being disappointed once again.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Think the real thing is that I know that the woman I loved so, is gone; this person looks and sounds like her, but it is not her. And like I said earlier, while I look and sound like me, “it is not I.”

And I’m sure it would all end up the same way.

Didn’t believe it before when people told me I would learn to love being free but I’m learning. Wish I knew what it was like to be free.

Told Blond Doctor that you can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube.

You really can’t.

Location: @9:00, doing a split in Fort Lee, NJ
Mood: Curious
Music: love but we’re not the same
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Categories
personal

Changes

Getting your ex off your cell / mobile phone plan is a lot like a divorce

Tom Otterness, Life Underground sculpture

Went out with some friends the other night and I met a girl who recognized me from years ago. She’s 24 years old and an art director now but it turns out that she went to the same church as No. 3. Moreover, some 10 years ago, she was in my apartment, when I was 23 and No 3. was 22, and had a “sleep-over/retreat” of some sort. Vaguely remember it. She was 14 at the time. Felt old.

So very old.

My friend signed his divorce papers yesterday; it’s sad because I was part of his wedding and I thought it would last. It actually the third wedding that I was part of that ended in divorce. I spoke to him today and he said he was fine (he sounded fine) but it was still sad to hear. His best friend dropped me a line about the situation too; it was good to hear from him. It’s good having friends that worry about you.

Speaking of which, my ex contacted me this week. It was the first contact we’ve had with each other for two months. Nothing angry or kind or anything. Just business. She wanted to tell me that my health insurance would run out at the end of this month (I’m currently on her plan) and she would like me to spin off her mobile phone (she’s currently on my plan).

Hadn’t thought about it or her for a bit. Well, that’s not entirely true. Try not to think about it or her.

Dunno…for me, it’s a little like signing divorce papers.

How disappointing.

Location: @ 3:00 – having a burger on Grand Street
Mood: disappointed
Music: Hol fuer dich den Stern vom Himmel
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